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jefferyharrell
@gordonshumway "Not any more."
@MinorOasis Funny, that's almost exactly what my college girlfriend said to me one drunken night. Almost.
There is no way that chick's coffee order would have fit into a hundred and forty characters.
When I show up late for work, I'm going to say I overslept. The truth is I just stood under my shower for forty-five solid minutes.
The beauty of the Net is that you can develop real relationships with people who normally wouldn't look twice at you. #idontfeelprettytoday
The sky is pretty today. I like butterflies. Blood tastes like pennies. Wow, these antidepressants are strong.
I talk a good game, but a Friday night of TV, drowsiness and Wikipedia articles on theoretical cosmology is pretty much my idea of heaven.
Just emailed @chrisabraham to ask him nicely to stop spamming me. Used the phrase "fucking webcock." That's nice, right?
@wingrove Alas, Apple TV cannot play MPEG-2 content like that. You might be able to modify it somehow, but I don't know 'bout that.
@hoosiergirl Nastiness can never be implied. It can only be inferred. That's the beauty of plausible deniability. #sneakyperv
@FanEffingTastic @hoosiergirl I'm amazed neither one of you went for the obvious CUM IN joke.
A surprising number of people on Twitter have apparently never seen "Bender's Big Score."
@emilyelisabeth Passing that link around is the Internet equivalent of "Ew, I think this milk's gone sour, taste it."
@viciousbleu Baby, how could you say something like that? And on TWITTER! Come on, baby, don't throw it away. WE CAN WORK THIS OUT!
CHICKEN GREASE SALT.
It's Friday afternoon. The weather's perfect. It looks like I'm about to get picture lock on a new TV spot. This can't possibly be my life.
@girlmonkey That doesn't look like any of my tattoos. Also: too pale, not fuzzy enough.
Wait wait wait. Wait. It's eleven in the morning and NO ONE HAS SHIT ALL OVER MY DAY YET. I'm so getting hit by a bus on the way home.
I'm in an awesome mood today. The sun is shining, weather is perfect, I actually caught myself giggling. Come on, universe: Bring the pain.
I'm totally undecided in this election. I don't know if I'm gonna celebrate Obama's victory by drinking bourbon or gin.
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