It's Time to Stop Porting Shit to the Wii

Right now, the Wii is being treated like the retarded cousin who gets all the ugly hand-me-downs from the good-looking children. I'm talking to you publishers and developers. The Wii is sick and tired of eating the regurgitated contents of other consoles' games. You need to stop pissing on the Wii and treat it with a little more respect.

So what if it doesn't do bump-mapping, or high dynamic range lighting, or support high resolution textures, or even Dolby Digital Surround. Maybe it doesn't have as much of this "RAM" you guys are always talking about, and maybe it can only do 480p and doesn't have any of this HDMI junk. And so what if its library of online games is rather shitty right now.

Still, it's time for you to realize that, yeah, this retarded cousin, while a little retarded in some respects, has some very special, uncanny abilities that need to be embraced, nurtured and loved. I mean, come on, this little mongloid of a console has exactly one good thing going for it, and that is its Magic Wand. So for the love of god, why aren't you focusing on games made for the Wii and only for the Wii?

Keep your stinking Bioshock, and Resident Evil, and Guitar Heroes, and Oblivion and you know what, even your Twilight Princess: Wii doesn't need it. Seriously, keep it. We don't want to deal with your half-assed attempts to make our Magic Wand work with your games because it doesn't work. Actually, it works a lot like shit, so it might as well not work at all.

Seriously, we all know that Bioschlock or Oblivion for the Wii cannot hold up to the Xbox360 on any level. The more you start porting games known for high-end graphics down to the Wii, the more you're just reinforcing that the Wii is a stupid, handicapped little runt of a cousin that nobody likes to look at, but has to be treated nicely because it's the politically correct thing to do.

Start treating the Wii for what it is; the idiot savant in a playing field full of jocks and thugs. Why not tap into the only thing that the Wii has going for it, and tap into it hard. It's time to start blowing us away with what you can do with this Magic Wand. Many of us have been playing with some form of Magic Wand for most of our lives, so now the time is ripe for you to unleash an experience on us that we shall not soon forget.

There is a new hope with Wii Star Wars and promised lightsaber controls. That lightsaber had better be whizzing and whirring as we whip it around and give satisfying staticy clashes. There had better be some amazing new gameplay experience that cannot be recreated on gamepads alone. A good Wii game should only work on the Wii. Wii games should never be beholden to any other console and under any circumstance, be ported out.

The Wii may be a simpleton, true, but it's single shining magical weapon, it's single redeeming quality deserves the reverence of gamers and developers alike. So stop porting all your shit games to the Wii;they don't work, they look like shit, and it's a waste of everybody's time.

In the ten months that it's been in market, there are no more than 4 or 5 Triple-A titles according to Metacritic. While Twilight Princess might sit pretty at #1, it's inclusion is suspect. We all know it was meant for the Gamecube, and no one is fooled into thinking that the Wiimote integration is anything more than shallow gimmickery.

I grant only a small repreive for Resident Evil 4 port, because waving the Wand around to aim your gun is pretty fucking perfect -- except for the fact that I don't tend to shoot guns with my thumb! Why isn't the shoot button your goddamn TRIGGER FINGER. And why couldn't the developers spend the extra 10 minutes to update the textures. Inexcusable, and once again, brings us right back to how the Wii is being shat upon.

And this needs to stop. For the love of all that is good and for the decency of all human kind and retards alike. This shambling, bewildered, oaf of a cousin needs better treatment than this.