Help a Friend

Above and Beyond the Call of Duty
By Stephanie Frogge, MTS, CTS

To commanders, casualty officers, chaplains, family support volunteers and public affairs officers — all those who respond to military mass casualties and deal with those of us faced with the sudden loss of our loved ones: I cannot imagine the tremendous stress you experience in the aftermath, sorting through rubble, combing the crash sites, searching the waters in an effort to find our family members. I want you to know that we appreciate the work you do, the heroic efforts you make, and the care you take of those dear to us. And I very humbly offer the following in an effort to help you understand what we, as survivors, need.

While many of you were pulled into this role from your normal duties, and assigned tasks that were not written into your normal job descriptions or for which you may not have been trained or prepared, you did your work with care and honor.

Sudden, violent death differs dramatically from anticipated death. It can certainly be traumatic for a loved one to die even when it’s somewhat expected, but under these circumstances, the survivor’s task becomes figuring out how to cope with the loss. When the death is unanticipated, the task is first to figure out what has happened. That takes a lot of time and requires a lot of work.

Information is absolutely paramount in order to understand what has happened. According to media reports following a plane crash, for example, a great many people have been troubled by the survivors’ needs to fly over the crash site, see their loved ones’ bodies, stay in the area waiting for news, or ask detailed questions about the crash and the investigation. Yet this is absolutely normal. Survivors must have this information — any information — to sort out what has happened to them and, subsequently, how they are going to cope. Please give survivors as much information as you possibly can. It is tremendously healing.

Bereaved survivors are their own best experts. Again, many responders have been quoted in the media as saying they’ve withheld information or denied the requests of survivors “for their own good.” Bereaved adults are traumatized, they are not mentally ill. They know what they need and they know what they can handle. Generally, survivors will not seek information they don’t want to receive. Furthermore, the various chemical changes that take place when one is severely traumatized serve to protect and shield the survivor from a pain that would probably, and quite literally, kill some of us if we had to experience it unprotected.

An important rule for helpers is predict and prepare. If a survivor has the option to fly over the crash site, for example, they need to be told what to expect. The survivor then has the choice of whether or not to fly over as planned or perhaps alter the plan to better meet his or her need.

Trauma shatters the way we look at the world. Subsequently, everything seems utterly out of control, evil, malevolent and unfair. It takes a while, usually a long while, to return to a psychological centering which acknowledges that some things are indeed out of our direct control, but many things are not.

Helpers can really assist in this area by giving survivors as much control over their environment as possible. Again, that includes providing as much information as possible that the survivor requests and giving the survivor as many choices, even simple choices, as possible. Being told, “you must do this” or “you can’t do that” only exacerbates the sense of fear and powerlessness already felt. Choices so basic as finalizing headstone inscriptions, selecting pall bearers, or choosing a favorite photo for the obituary are important and appreciated.

Even when as healed as they are going to be, those directly affected by a tragedy will never be the same people they were before. While covering the TWA 800 crash recently, one national journalist asked the question on air, “Why don’t these people just go home and get on with their lives?” Had the reporter understood anything about normal trauma reactions, she would have understood that most survivors will not be able to resume anything that resembles a normal life until they come to some level of understanding of what has happened to them and a sense that they can live somewhat safely in a world that includes exploding airplanes. As you can imagine, that takes a very long time and a lot of very hard work.

You can try to provide the information survivors request, understand their need to know, and refrain from judging those in shock after a loss. And that will be the greatest tribute you could give to those who have made the ultimate sacrifice — to care for their loved ones and perform this duty with honor and loving care.

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