Dave Barry has been at The Miami Herald since 1983. A Pulitzer Prize winner for commentary, he writes about issues ranging from the international economy to exploding toilets.
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(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 22, 2002.)
So I have to tell you what I saw on the interstate the other night. First, though, you must understand that this was not just any old interstate. This was I-95 in downtown Miami, proud home of the worst darned drivers in the world.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Oct. 20, 2002.)
An outfit calling itself ''Morgan Quitno Press'' recently ranked the 50 United States in order of intelligence, and I am TICKED OFF. My state, Florida, came in 47th. Can you believe that? Forty-seventh! How dare they? How dare they suggest that Florida is more intelligent than three other states? No way!
In analyzing the results of Tuesday's historic election, the question we must ask ourselves, first and foremost, is: what the heck were the results of Tuesday's historic election?
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 17, 2000.)
Recently, my wife and I took our 8-month-old daughter on a trip involving five plane flights in one week. Many people would be reluctant to travel with a baby that small, but we had a compelling reason: We have Fig Newtons for brains.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Oct. 28, 2001.)
I love Halloween, because it reminds me of a simpler, more innocent time -- a time when I dressed up as a goblin and ran around the neighborhood shouting ''Trick or treat!'' But that was last year.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 15, 2001.)
Our educational system is failing. Our schools are producing students who are -- to quote from the conclusion of an 858-page report recently issued by a distinguished blue-ribbon Presidential Task Force on Educational Quality -- ''stupid.''
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 24, 2001.)
You can imagine my reaction when I found out that Jamling Tenzing Norgay was coming to Miami. My reaction was: ''Who?''
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 6, 2004.)
OK, here are the rules: 1. If there's a line, you get at the end of the line, and you wait your turn.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published April 13, 2003.)
Recently, my little brother Phil (he's only 50) gave me a box that wound up with him some years ago, when our mom died and a bunch of family flotsam drifted down one generation. The box contains slides. For you young digital readers, I should explain that slides are transparencies made from photographs. They used to be very popular.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Aug. 11, 2001.)
Today we present an important breakthrough in the ongoing effort by research scientists to figure out what, if anything, men are thinking. But first, we have an important warning concerning a worrisome topic that, unfortunately, is very much on our minds these days: pecan safety.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Oct. 14, 2001.)
A very important issue that we all need to be concerned about is global warming, and we will get to that shortly, but first we need to discuss what happened the other night in my kitchen.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 30, 2001)
One of these days, a police officer is going to pull me over for driving erratically. He will suspect that I am driving while intoxicated, but he will be wrong. In fact, I will be driving while being a little teapot.
The Republican convention reached a dramatic conclusion Thursday night when, moments after John McCain finished his triumphant acceptance speech, nets high above the convention floor opened up and released thousands upon thousands of red, white and blue golf balls.
As the Republican convention nears its conclusion and John McCain prepares to make his acceptance speech, we in the news media, having finally grown weary of the endless speculation and gossip about Sarah Palin, are turning our attention, at long last, to additional speculation and gossip about Sarah Palin. 
If you are a member of the news media, one of your most important constitutionally protected duties at a national political convention is to try to get into parties to which you have not been invited. I would estimate that this occupies 85 percent of my time at conventions. Usually I fail, but it's better than listening to speeches.
So far this feels like a funeral, only not as much fun. Political conventions are supposed to be celebrations, where you consume complimentary food and beverages and brag about how great your party is and note roughly 125 times per hour that your opponents are tapeworm slime. That's what the Democrats did in Denver, and it's what the Republicans planned to do here.
And now the eyeballs of the nation turn to this quintessentially middle American or possibly southern Canadian city, where in the next few days, weather permitting, the Republicans will answer the Democratic party's call for change by sounding, loud and clear, their own bold campaign theme for 2008: ``What, YOU Never Made a Mistake?''
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 7, 2003.)
We have come to the time of year when we remove the video-game controls -- by surgery, if necessary -- from the hands of our children, and send them back to school. And if they complain that school is a boring waste of time, we smack them firmly yet lovingly with a roofing timber and remind them of the words of our first president, Benjamin Franklin, who said: ''There is nothing more valuable in life than an education, except of course money or a nice car.''
The Democratic presidential convention finally reached its dramatic and historic climax Thursday night as Barack Obama, appearing in a stadium packed with nearly 80,000 wildly cheering supporters, kicked a 67-yard field goal to defeat the Oakland Raiders in overtime. He also formally accepted the Democratic nomination, thereby becoming the first Hawaiian-born Indonesian-educated African-American ever to become a major-party presidential candidate since Al Gore.
I will resume my coverage of the Democratic convention (current theme: ''Yes, It's Still Going On'') as soon as possible, but first I need to address a disturbing issue that we all need to be more disturbed about: bird porn.
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