Last night I watched the fewest number of shows ever for BNE, but somehow it still took the longest. These shows are the worst. But hey how about my jokes. From VH1’s BestWeekEver.tv:

Hey friends,

Come hang out Thursday! Another big great show. We do these every Thursday. They are so fun.

Gabe & Jenny and I welcome:

Baron Vaughn
Heather Lawless
Rich ‘Fourfour’ Juzwiak and Tracie Egan from Jezebel.com’s Pot Psychology
Todd Barry
and more surprises!

Do come and hang out.

Big Terrific
Thursday, April 21st @ 8pm
Sound Fix Lounge
110 Bedford Ave at North 11th St
Brooklyn, NY
Free!

Guys, everybody should download the free social networking iPhone app zintin. It is amazing tool that lets you use your phone’s GPS to locate insanely terrible people in your neighborhood! Check out the screenshot they provide of the sort of friends you might find.

That’s such a funny coincedence, Zack, because snowboarding is *my* oxygen at the top…! Stay put, because I am going to use this GPS to come and murder you.

Reality television is definitely way more important than the Olympics or war. From VH1’s BestWeekEver.tv:

Here are the last three Tuesdays of me doing Best Night Ever for VH1. That is 15 jokes! Enjoy. The newest one is first. You can almost watch my “beard” grow.

You probably think that I have not been blogging because I have just been lazy on account of summertime parties but man you are wronger than anything I could imagine. I have been in rehearsal with my new band and we are finally back and ready to just be so so great. Here’s our first video.

Hi friends,

Hey how’s it going!  I hope you had a great July 4th.  Doesn’t it feel like forever since U and I have been 2gether? I have not been at Sound Fix to bring you Big Terrific laughs for like three weeks. That’s so long and so is my sadness at missing you. (Huh?) In that time I went to New Orleans (a very safe place that is all fixed, so don’t even worry about mailing a baby there and just hoping the city takes care of it for you) and to see my parents (my dad fell asleep in a parked car for over an hour at one point, thanks for asking). Don’t you want to hear EVEN more amazing stories about what I have been up to? I know you do. I promise the stories on Thursday will feature 43% less forced absurdity than this email. (For example, I won’t pick a number like “43″ to be my funny statistic. That is not funny to anyone. Ugh, I’m horrible. I am just going to read the screenplay to Monty Python & the Holy Grail out loud on Thursday, but in ELVISH. And then point a bow and arrow at my face and RELEASE.)

Gabe & Jenny also have super fun crazy stuff planned because they are the best. You should really come. Joining us are:

KRISTEN SCHAAL (The Daily Show, Flight of the Conchords, Mad Men)
KURT BRAUNOHLER (MTV’s Human Giant, VH1, tons of stuff)
ROSS HYZER (Aspen, used to have pigtails)

Do come and hang out. There will be lots of surprises, like me drinking way too many pickletinis. Whoops spoiler alert.

Thursday July 17th @ 8pm
Sound Fix
110 Bedford Ave at North 11th St
Brooklyn NY
in Williamsburg, just north of the Bedford L stop
FREE
DRINK SPECIALS

We are getting out of town so no show tonight July 3rd. See you on the 10th and have great Julies 4th everybody!

Oh man I really phoned it in this week for VH1’s BestWeekEver.tv. I was so sick and tired. Don’t ever watch the Secret Life of the American Teenager.

(This post might be not safe for work if the way you read blogs at work is by shouting them. Also if you are my mom don’t read this.)

Every week I host a podcast for a television network’s website where I make jokes about dumb TV shows. As it is just for the Internet and the Internet is a no man’s land where anything goes and every man is the king of his own castle.com, I don’t really pay attention to the appropriateness of what I say. I am aware the editor will bleep me if I say fuck, but that’s fine; I try not to work blue anyhow. But one week I had an entire joke based around the word choad and the editor bleeped it and it ruined my really smart and brilliant joke about CHOAD RED or whatever. When I asked him why, he told me it is not the network or iTunes that cares, but cell phone companies.

Apparently lots of media companies sell their web video to cell phone carriers so that people can also watch these videos on their phones because what’s cooler than hearing jokes on your phone about a TV show you don’t care about. Synergy, more like funergy, right. And because “mobile content networks†don’t want the FCC regulating them, they have come up with their own super strict set of rules for content. Like if you point at a breast, they won’t buy the clip. And penis is OK, but choad is not, as apparently in Verizon or Sprint’s fantasy PG-rated world all penises are longer than they are wide and they don’t want to hear anything different. “THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A CHOAD. END OF STORY.â€

I was talking to a friend about this who happens to work at a different media company, and he knew all about it. In fact, he even had the list of standards from the cell phone networks that says what can absolutely not go in any content you sell to them. He was nice enough to send it to me. It basically makes humor impossible. It might as well say “Do not point out a truth in a way that makes light of a situation, nor should you “kid†or “fib†in a way that people might enjoy. This is offensive.†Here’s the inappropriate content list:

It is definitely inappropriate to talk about pipes, funeral homes and lotteries. Lotteries? “There is no such thing as death or chance in fantasy cellphone land. Everyone lives forever and just works hard and gets exactly what they have earned but they don’t work too hard because that is also offensive. End of story.†Also, notorious characters? It is not cool to make jokes about the Coyote, either from Road Runner or the Native American trickster. Both are up to no good.

Then there are the 20 LEVEL 0 WORDS that you absolutely can’t say.  These are a doozy. I guess most of them make sense, but it is such an abbreviated list that it’s crazy some of the stuff they’ve decided must be on there. For example, both cornhole AND corn-hole?? What? “Don’t try to get away with any funny business by hyphenating these cusses you clearly use every day such as cornhole. We are onto you. The words corn and hole shouldn’t even be heard within 30 seconds of each other in your videos.â€Â  They list fuck and fucking, but only shit, so I guess shitting is OK, but you definitely can’t say “Al Capone loved shitting in mortuaries†because yikes. Sit on my face: such a weird and specific imperative. Fornicate: don’t even mention how babies are made unless it is just pointing at the sky and then flapping your arms. Clit: there are no sensitive parts of a woman’s body, definitely not. The only way they feel pleasure is when we feel pleasure.

But the kicker is Ruby Red Bag. Holy amazing. I had never in my life heard anyone use that ever. Cell phone companies are so so afraid of sacs. How did they ever think that the use of the phrase Ruby Red Bag was so rampant and offensive that it needed to be promoted to a Level 0? (I bet they call Level 0 words something funny like “donuts†around the office. Those guys have fun.)

And ruby red bag is so specific and graphic. I just imagine this insane repressed guy at the meeting (because all the cell phone companies had a meeting) starting in on a breathy, stuttered monologue about how the audience out there can surely handle hearing about testicles, but definitely can not handle hearing how they get after sex, that’d it just be too much for the audience and the audience would surely explode, to know testicles when they are freshly wet with dew and pulsating hypnotically, almost commanding you, and you can’t help yourself, to reach out and grab that piping-hot sac like you would a precious, precious ruby.  I bet that guy was so good at describing sacs. Like crazy good. Like he got promoted to Director of Ways to Describe Sacs immediately.