Julie R. Neidlinger: Lone Prairie Art Works (via Mowser)

You can follow the summer's blog posts here.
You can read my experiences trying to learn to fly, which is here.

Using retro technology.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 0 comments link this post

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After guitar lessons, Cathy had me sit down and explain Facebook to her.

I am, of course, a Facebook monster at this point. I invite just about everyone to be on it; if I have your email and you're not a stranger, I probably sent you an invite. I have old high school friends, church camp friends, church youth I worked with, blogging friends...

...with the idea of keeping your friends close and your enemies closer.

I won't tell you much more about that categorization.

But Cathy* IS my friend and I invited her onto Facebook, and I said I'd help her. There we were, using a cell phone as the internet connection, me realizing the blessing that is the high-speed DSL I've become used to.

"Wow. This is slow," I said.

And we waited.

Some more.

And more.

Yet.

Finally, since it was getting late and I didn't think Facebook would ever load, I asked for a pen. There was a napkin sitting on the table next to the laptop, left from supper, and I told Cathy I'd sketch out the Facebook page for her and try to tell her how to use it that way.

I find that hilarious, sketching a website out on a napkin to explain how it works.

"Then you'd click here," I said, drawing with the pen, "to see all of your friends. Here is where you'd type in what you are doing, and it's called your 'status'."

Eventually, for a few minutes, Facebook did load and we had some actual live click time, but the napkin was much more stable than the cell phone connection.

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*No, you are not too old. Anyone who says that is too young to understand the concept of anything.

Labels: clippings, facebook, friends, technology

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Dating out of fear of ending up with no teeth.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 4 comments link this post

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Nothing sells like desperation and fear. And nothing moves a dating service into high gear like using a photo of a very old woman (man?) from...India? ...missing a considerable amount of teeth.

This is an ad I saw on Facebook today.

"Hurry! You become old and alone much faster than you think."

Yes, because the time/space continuum speeds up when you're not married.

Apparently, being over 30 and single means you're on track to toothless joy in a third-world country. 29? You're safe. Over 30? You look like Keith Richards via Bombay.

Usually, such ads feature hot, sexy, airbrushed people, but someone is trying a new concept: blatant fear. Or something.

I don't know.

It might work.

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Labels: facebook, humor, internet, relationships

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Dumb questions.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 3 comments link this post

There are dumb questions.

I already wrote my thesis on this.

But, as I will now reveal from my secret life on Facebook, even a benign profile photo can begin the discussion again, right there in the photo's discussion area.

(Begin sarcasm.)

Anna: It's a tiny picture but I do believe I see leaves on those trees. Was that taken today? And why are you holding your face like that?

Me: My chin was falling off. I took this photo inside the Kennedy Space Center. Any other dumb questions?

Anna: There is no such thing as a dumb question. However, there are certainly dumb answers as you've just now shown us.

Me: No, there are dumb questions. For example: If I put my hand in this raging fire, will it hurt? That's a dumb question.

Anna: Not if you have the disorder where you can't feel anything. It seems like that would be a legitimate question. Next...

Me: "Would it be OK if I drank this anti-freeze that says 'poison: will kill you' on the side of the container?"

Anna: Perhaps that wouldn't be considered dumb if the person was suicidal and was really asking you to help out with your caring and concern...oops.

Me: "Can I use this office stapler to staple my eye shut?"

Anna: Well, what if a person had a serious eye problem...maybe her eye kept popping out and she couldn't get to a doctor because of the dangling eye and no one was offering to drive her and the phones weren't working so she could call a cab even if she could concentrate on dialing a phone...it would make sense that stapling her eye shut would be a temporary solution and she was really asking you to do the stapling because her hands were a little shaky and it is sort of hard to staple your own eye shut. Ah hem.

Me: "Why are you still doing this?"

Anna: That certainly is not a dumb question as it is used to gain much useful information in many different circumstances.

Me: "No really. Why are you still doing this?"
"That wasn't hypothetical. It was a real question."
"Don't let these quotes confuse you."
"You know how I love to use quotes."

(End sarcasm.)

(Anna's a good sport.)

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Labels: conversations, facebook, friends, internet

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Being Fanny Price.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 3 comments link this post

The ideal heroine is Elizabeth Bennett, of course, but whenever I read the book or watched the films I always felt that out of all of Jane Austen's wonderful heroines, I was most like...the servants in the background. I'm not kidding. I really, really think that asking "if I were in that story which main character would I be" is a deceptive question. Who said we'd be the main characters?

"See that guy in the back, leading the horses into the stable? That's me. If Mr. Darcy would just step to the side, you could see me better."

I can identify.

One reason I liked the movie Gosford Park was that it gave me a view of the world of the servants which I knew, had I really lived in some previous era, would be my lot in life. I would be a servant person. The one who slopped the pigs.

Whatever.

There are about three million different online "which Jane Austen character are you" quizzes on the web.

::That was not a scientific estimate. I'm not good at estimating amounts and distances and I no longer feel like attempting anything ballpark.::

I think I took one of those quizzes once, but noticed none of the options included "peasant servant girl in background" so I doubted the qualifications.

So my friend Naomi invites me to add the "Which Jane Austen character are you?" application on Facebook a few days ago.

Grrr.

I take the quiz and find out it's one where you can't get your results unless you invite something along the lines of 200 friends which, if you do it, you'll have less friends. I might be a servant person, but I'm not dummy. So I canceled it out.

But, through the gift of crappy application programmers, my results still showed up on my profile despite my rejection of the order to invite, and I found out which Jane Austen character I was most like. At long last, I can agree:

Your result is: Fanny Price
You are smart and shy, a quiet beauty with brains that intimidate everyone around you. You often feel out of place, homeless and alone. As an intellectual idealist, you long to be heard and understood, but rarely waste your time trying to defend yourself to those who could not possibly understand. Time and experience is making you bolder. Despite your clever genius, you long for simplicity, and the love of your soul mate, who is a socially surprising and unlikely match.

Ha ha ha. What tripe. "That's me! That's me! Clever genius!"

These dumb quizzes annoy me, like some kind of literature-based horoscope.

I do, however, admit that I loved Fanny Price's character in (OK, I haven't read Mansfield Park and I know the movie is a severe bastardization but nevertheless, her character was fantastic) the movie Mansfield Park. The quiz is referencing the movie and not the book. In the movie (unlike in the book), she was smart and sharp and a witty writer and had a backbone and also came from more realistic non-elevated servant-esque family and circumstances and...was a servant of sorts.

And no one told her what to do.

Which is tricky, when you're a servant. Even a servant of sorts.

::Go, Fanny, go. It's unfortunate about your name, but we can't have everything, can we?::

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Labels: books, facebook, friends, internet, movies, my life

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So you got a stupid eCard from me on Facebook.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 8 comments link this post

Yes, I can do many fabulous things on the computer, but I can't intuitively figure out Facebook.

This evening I sent out some random eCard to every single person on my friend list which I never would do if I were in control of my body instead of being part of Borg.

So I go into the bowels of Facebook (otherwise known as "compose a message") and can't figure out how to send a little note to these same random people that says: Sorry for the eCard spam.

Sorry for sending out an eCard of two little kids on a beach holding hands saying "you're my bestest friend ever" or some such crap BECAUSE I WOULD NEVER NORMALLY PARTICIPATE IN SUCH A DEGRADATION EXCEPT AT THE THREAT OF DEATH!!!!!!

Yes, I'm sorry for the eCard spam. Sorry that I can't read before I click. Sorry that I can't figure out a web application that a four-year old wearing Pull-ups could handle. Sorry that I can't figure out how to rectify the situation. Sorry that I use words like "rectify" and can't figure out stupid Facebook.

For the longest time, my status on Facebook was as follows: Julie is.

I was amazed when I realized I could add something. With a simple click, I could have, at long last, some status!!

Perhaps I should have left it as that, come to think of it. It's sort of profound, in a way: Julie is.

I am.

Yes, I am in a current state of being. That state being "confused" and "embarrassed" and "sender of annoying cards."

So I wrote a post on my own Facebook wall to explain my electronic gaffe.

I think writing such an explanation on my own wall was probably an electronic gaffe in its own right.

You have no idea what it's like being me.

I figured out how to upload photos and make an album, though. That's something.

Related links:

My secret life on Facebook. Friggin' Facebook. Is blogging dead?

Labels: blogging, facebook, friends, internet

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My secret life on Facebook.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 4 comments link this post

Yes. I know.

But.

My friends and family have been so active on Facebook and I find myself stepping up to the plate and accepting their invitations into various groups and applications. Will, for example, invited me into the "Make Something Day" group.¹

My friend Sarah has infested my virtual graveyard with zombies and desecrated my virtual aquarium with hordes of fish, leaving little notes that I'm under "zombie attack!" and that my fish tank looks troubled and that she wishes the fish would eat each other.

And now, with the Gingerbread application which allows me to decorate virtual gingerbread cookies and send them to my friends, I admit to excessive mirth and feverish wasting of time.

Oh, the gingerbread men I've created and yet to create. The Cyclops Gingerbread Man. The Minimalist Gingerbread Man. The Autopsy Gingerbread Man. The "An Art Major Made This" Gingerbread Man. The Leper Gingerbread Man.

If you have a Facebook account, look me up and I'll send you a fabulous Gingerbread Man. I've got a couple more inappropriate Gingerbread Men up my sleeve, but I haven't the courage to send them to anyone but my sister or closer friends. Let me know if you'd like one and I'll enthrall you. You'd be amazed at what I can do with virtual nonpareils.

[So ends the post of the Social Networking Hypocrite.²]

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¹Which is kind of tricky since that's what I do, is make things. Nearly every day is Make Something Day for me. Then, of course, I have to sell them, these things I've made, which is what you're not supposed to do. Quandary.

²Email to me: "Given all your activity of late on it, have you decided to fully embrace the social network known as Facebook?"
My reply: "I still think social networking is dumb. The only thing I like about it is when the friends I have signed up are carry-over friends from real life or that I've already met through blogging. I don't like random strangers signing up to be my friend because it doesn't work for me. It's not a way for me to meet people because it isn't."

So there.

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Labels: blogging, facebook, friends, internet

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Friggin' Facebook.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 5 comments link this post

Yes.

A semi-profane title.

You remember my friend, and my feelings on social networking sites?

For some reason (I just wonder why), after that post I started getting annoying invitations to join networks and web sites that I wasn't even a member of. Perhaps some of you readers thought that was really funny.

So, with those emails bombarding me, I began clicking through and I discovered I was a member of Friendster since...a while ago. I also confess to being a member of Catster, though I can't remember any of my login information and one of my cats has died since then. Brutus (the living cat) continues to get electronic kitty treats which do him no good and fill my inbox. Why do cats need to social network? What was my original purpose? Can't I have some kind of personal integrity?

Apparently not.

I finally caved. I signed up to every piece of crap social networking site I could bear. I've got all the links hidden somewhere on this site, with a great deal of shame.

And now this is what I get on my Facebook profile. My friend has been writing on my "wall."¹

Friend: YEAH! It's Julie. She rocks. She loves Facebook. She wants to be pestered by Sarah via Facebook often.

Me: No. No, she doesn't.

Friend: You don't fool me....

Me: Stop abusing this privilege.

Friend: NEVER!!!!!!!

Me: This is why I hate these sites.

It's these little things that make me want to implode.

With all of these accounts freshly opened and crying out for abuse, I now get emails with requests of people wanting to be my friend. I find myself with strange "friends" and forced to say things like "nice dog" and "hi" and I just want you to know that I CAN'T POSSIBLY CARE ANY LESS!

Last night some barely dressed 19-year-old wanted to be my "friend" over at MySpace. Sorry, honey. I'm just not into leopard print.

Grrr.

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¹I don't suppose anyone over at Facebook considered the ominous realization that, by using such terminology instead of just saying "leave a message", each user would glimpse the "writing on the wall."

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Labels: facebook, friends, internet

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Is blogging dead?

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 21 comments link this post

As a society that needs to adjust its Ritalin IV every three seconds if we remember to pay attention and do it, we have to periodically ask if something is dead.

Are newspapers dead?
Are movies dead?
Is the media as we know it dead?
Is Elvis dead?
Is YouTube dead?
Is dead dead?

Is blogging dead?

My friend and I, we both in the habit of pithy responses, are debating this supposed turn towards social networking (which I view as an annoyance) sites versus the possibly gangrenous blogging movement. Let's have a look.

Friend: Any chance you'd sent your blog preferences so that I can read the entire post in google reader? Or any reason why you have it set so I have to click on the post title and go directly to your page?

Me: (Never satisfied, are you?) Because that way I get hits on my little hit counter. Deep inside, I'm a bean counter. Not the answer you were looking for?

Friend: Huh. I see. Are you on Facebook?

Me: I refuse to lower myself to: Facebook, MySpace, Friendster, etc. It's bad enough that my sister¹ got me to sign up for BeBo and something called Multiply. No sir. No Facebook. I have pride.

Friend: Why are you rejecting? (http://tametheweb.com/2007/07/is_blogging_dead.html) Believe?

Me: I'm rejecting because on the two social network sites that I'm on (the two I mentioned) I get requests to be friends with chicks that are wearing their underwear and smashing their boobs together for full effect.

Really, it's annoying.

"No, Cassandra, I don't want to be your 'friend'."

I prefer the elitist method of blogging on my own web host and moderating comments. It's so much purer. Plus, after five years of steady blogging, I get a couple hundred hits a day, and emails from all kinds of people that comment on stuff. It's like social networking, except without Cassandra and her lacy panties.²

Friend: Not me. Nosiree. I have a Facebook account. Not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do with it... but I've got one. I check my non-friends every day. It's like reliving high-school. What is BeBo?

Me: I don't really know what BeBo is, but I have an account, by golly!

Friend: Wow. I'm impressed. That's the ultimate of cool. So if there are four types of "Adoption Types" which one are you:

Innovators Early Adopters Late Adopters Laggards

Me: I'm an early innovator laggard. I should think that obvious.

Friend: As per an earlier email, perhaps you'd like to join. (http://evillinktofacebooktoseefriend'sprofile)

Me: Surely you jest. You temptress.

Friend: So I take it you don't twitter either.

Me: We do have a lot of bird feeders. That's about the only answer I can come up with.

Friend: Funny. I don't understand the twitter thing. I barely understand the facebook thing, but whatever.

Twitter just... I just don't get it. Why would anybody care where others are? Why would anybody want to tell others where they are all the time?

Me: Because some people are pathetic.

I don't much care where my neighbors³ are. Why would I care where "Brucey" is, and what he's doing?

It's bad enough to have to suffer through benign chit-chat of people you know, much less some guy named "lazycoder" talking about his presentation for tomorrow. I don't pay for DSL to be bored out of my mind with that garbage.

For example, "Clintus" is on Twitter right now, and states: "I don't know what to do."

I don't think Twitter will be able to help Clintus.

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¹'Twas meant as a light bit of ribbing, sis. ;-)
²I regret the Google hits this will bring to my site.
³But I do love my neighbor as myself.

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Labels: blogging, facebook, friends, humor, internet