Thinking About Parenting
I've been thinking alot about parenting lately. Maybe it is because we have four kids at home, ages 7, 11, 13 and 15. Yeah, our quiver is full.
I think everyone would admit that there is a point in a teen's life when the influence of his/her parents becomes less, and the influence of their friends becomes greater. I did an informal survey yesterday on Twitter, and again last night at dinner with some friends. It seems that the age at which the parents' influence drops dramatically happens somewhere around 13- to 15-years old.
As I reflected on my life as a child, the influence I perceive that I have with my own kids, and my informal survey, I charted it like this...
As a parent, the awareness of loss of influence can be alarming if you didn't see it coming. So be warned young parents, I have just given you a glimpse of the future.
Here is the key learning: Environments matter. Who my daughter is influenced by as a 15-year old is dependent greatly on the environments that my wife and I placed her in as a 10- and 12- and 14-year old.
It's a little early to tell whether we will survive life with teenagers, but here is the advice I would give parents of pre-teens...
Oh, and one last word of advice for those with teenagers---stop lecturing and start listening. Stop giving direction and start asking questions.
It's your turn now...is my chart way off?
![[image]](http://mowser.com/img?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.leadingsmart.com%2Ffacebook.jpg)
My wife and I also have a foursome (younger than yours - 8, 6, 4, 2) and your chart sure rings true based on what I've seen in my own kids and what I remember of my own experience. Two other closely related bullet points I'd add to your recommendations:
- Let them invite their friends over as much as they want, so we can still be a primary influence on our kids and their friends.
- Build strong relationships with the godly parents of our kids' friends, so our kids can be influenced by other adults (who our kids will often see as more credible than we are at these ages).
Posted by: Brian Baute | July 22, 2008 at 05:02 PM
You may be right about this, but I'm not sure about the accuracy of the poll. Some people perceive one thing, while the reality might be different. My kids turned 9 and 11 yesterday, so I haven't hit teens yet. I do recall as a youth minister being taught that sociologically, parents still have the greatest influence on teens, even more than their friends. I think it just depends on how you put that influence into practice.
Posted by: Cole Phillips | July 22, 2008 at 07:45 PM
i just sat with The Vine's worship design team to discuss our upcoming parenting series called "the apple of my i"! you must've been listening in. thanks for your practical advice and for your informal survey. btw, we just found out we're pregnant with our fourth and our first just turned 4!
Posted by: david walters | July 22, 2008 at 08:22 PM
I would think your youth ministry dept high fived you about this post. :) I don't really know if I agree with your assessment. It sounds good... but I wonder if you could talk to some experts?
Here's the cool thing. You're within 20 minutes of 2 of the best youth ministry researchers in the US. Christian Smith over at Notre Dame wrote "the bible" on adolescent faith development, Soul Searching. Then over at Bethel in Mishawaka (stunningly close to you!) is Terry Linhart. His book is Contagious Faith... very good.
Both of whom I'm sure would love to come over and chat with your staff!
Posted by: adam mclane | July 22, 2008 at 08:35 PM
That graph is scary!
Posted by: Ronnie (a.k.a. MandoRon) | July 23, 2008 at 12:01 AM
My wife and I are older parents (48 & 50) of two children, age 10 and 13 who are on the downside to their next birthdays. It’s been a wonderful adventure so far and we’re looking forward as they’re coming into their teens. Here are a couple of things that we’ve done and/or are trying to do more.
-Provide plenty of opportunity for your children to interact with adults outside of you and your immediate family. Help them learn the social skills and norms of the larger adult world they’ll be entering, not just their peer group.
-Spend time working with your children side by side in as many different areas of your life as possible. It provides endless opportunities to impart wisdom, teach life skills and reinforces your values and relationship.
-Watch or read the News together regularly and discuss the events and issues of the day. They’re aware of things, so help them put events in some type of context and solicit their views. There are so many opportunities to show how God’s way works - either by following it or by not following it.
I believe, and hope, that if we do our jobs well as Christ-following parents, the influence of parents will be higher than your chart and the influence of peers less. At 50, I am surprised at how much my parents' influence continues to positively guide my life today.
Posted by: Ron S. | July 23, 2008 at 09:52 AM
Great post. I hyper linked this blog post on my blog. I am pretty new to the blogging world. I think you had some great insight for parents. I do believe parents have a much greater influence in their teen's lives whether they realize it or not. Students decisions are influenced by the values that are being highlighted in their homes. Thank so much for this post. You do a great job!
Posted by: Josh Britt | July 23, 2008 at 12:03 PM
It seems like the chart is dead on. We have 4 at home as well 9,11,13,15. Our struggle with our two oldest is that their peers and acceptance among them is their whole world right now. As parents, we still sense a strong family bond with them, but we also see that socially, their entire universe is their peers and how they are accepted. We dont make youth program attendance mandatory, because it can get just plain vicious in there. We could be wrong on that, but we do make it clear that worship attendance is not an option. We try to keep it simple for them 1. Love God 2. Love your family members 3. Love people.
Posted by: shane dunlap | July 23, 2008 at 12:11 PM
Your chart makes me sigh since my youngest is 15 - she's at the great crossover point.
My oldest is 18 and heading to college.
Your chart is right.
The parental influence line can be bumped up a little higher in the teen years if you work hard enough at it, and that magical crossover #2 when kids figure out that their parents actually KNOW something can be moved up in chronological age once in awhile. All of it depends on how you approach each indvidual kid.
It's all about relationship.
Posted by: Marla Saunders | July 23, 2008 at 05:33 PM
I'm not sure about the science of the poll but I do see this among teens. I've been a youth minister for many years and you are exactly right that teens become more influenced by their friends than their parents. I also know that the stat used to be many years ago that parents are the number one influence, don't know how true that is any more especially past elementary school. I also know that as a youth pastor I have always been down on the list of influence as most youth pastors are.
I'm not a parent of a teen, my boy is 4. But from what I have seen working in youth ministry for over 15 years your advice is most excellent.
Posted by: Andy Lawrenson | July 24, 2008 at 09:56 AM
Personally, I disagree with your chart, although I do agree it is the conventional wisdom that many believe. In other words, it's one of the many American myths that parents hear so often they start to believe and then it becomes a prophecy that comes true because they buy into the lie. (another example is that all teens will rebel, a myth which no other country believes).
It is true that as a child enters the teen years, the number of voices influencing him/her greatly increases. However, I don't believe that a parents influence decreases at the same time at such a drastic rate. It gets tougher to communicate and get through the other voices, but this is the time in your child's life to work extra hard, and to not shut up and stay out.
I do agree that that a solid, Bible teaching church is vital and that kids should be made to go to worship services with the family and also required to go to youth group. Then you will be introducing your kids to other adults who can be a godly influence, not just peers. Through over 18 years of working with teens in a church and now having 2 teens of my own, I have seen what happens when a parent allows their child to choose whether or not go to to church or youth activities. They will find other places to get friends/peers and those kids will most likely not have anyone in their lives who are trying to direct them biblically. Youth groups are not full of perfect kids, but all our sin comes from within, not from "other bad kids."
I pray daily for direction and humility to continue to be the example and the main driving force directing my children to make biblical choices. I know I'm not the only voice, so I want them to be surrounded by as many others who will help them back to the Scriptures, where our ultimate authority and direction comes from! This is a great conversation for us all to have!!
Posted by: Dena MCGOLDRICK | July 24, 2008 at 12:20 PM
I really appreciate this post since I will be homeschooling our children for as long as God allows me to. My children are young, but my stepdaughter is 10. While she doesn't live with us it is great insight to how her peers have an influence on her decisions. Thank you!
Posted by: StephG | July 24, 2008 at 02:29 PM
My husband and I have parented 4 kids, now ages 18 - 24. IF the graph is true, I wonder of the correlation between the "crossover" and parents "backing off" from their involvement w/ their kids. Sorry it's not PC, but TEENS need moms/dads at home as much or more than toddlers. Yes, it was a sacrifice for me personally and financially to stay home, but we have and are reaping the rewards: no major rebellion (yes, of course they acted like teens) and all now are independent and seeking to follow Christ. Yes, church & other influences are important, but most of all, DADS & MOMS...BE THERE for your kids. Say no to the things that prevent this. Strike a delicate balance between the rules and the relationship w/ your teens.
Posted by: Barb Haller | July 24, 2008 at 03:30 PM
A friend wrote a follow-up to my post about her own journey in parenting. I found her words very touching...
http://julie-smies.blogspot.com/2008/07/do-i-really-have-to-ask.html
Posted by: Tim Stevens | July 24, 2008 at 03:58 PM
Great post... my wife and I are parents of six kids ages 3 to 16. Our experience "lines up" with your graph.
I think the hardest part of parenting begins in the teen years. There is a transition a parent has to make in his or her mind... the child that they've been able to closely monitor begins exploring the world around them without mom and dad. Your teenager starts taking the beginning steps of the "leaving home" process.
It's a scary thing for a parent to experience this for the first time! I've learned more about myself in the last few years parenting a teenager then I could have imagined. You have to keep reminding yourself that them becoming independent is a healthy part of growing up. You can't be fearful of letting them begin living the lives God has in store for them. My wife and I are always in the backgroud (so to speak) watching over what's going on and always available to talk to our kids. It's a HARD balance, but a worthly calling...
My only advice in hindsight... buy good teenage parenting books before you have a teenager!
Posted by: Curt | July 25, 2008 at 09:07 AM
i agreed with your assessment and graph for the most part. i do believe parents have more influence on their children for much longer than one would think. i think your 20% leveling off is a bit low with all things being equal. if the relationship between parents and teens have been "healthy" i do think the percentage goes much higher. I share these thoughts on my blog at http://kingsleygrant.wordpress.com
Posted by: kingsley grant | July 25, 2008 at 11:49 PM
I will link this blog to my blog page so that others who visit my page could have access to this info. thanks again
http://kingsleygrant.wordpress.com
Posted by: kingsley grant | July 25, 2008 at 11:52 PM
I must agree with the comments of Barb Haller - as the Mom of 3 grown children (all married, loving Jesus and doing well in the World); all of your points are good - but overall the MOST important one is to be available for your kids. Don't get so wrapped up in career or outside activities (even church related ones) that they feel closed out - you do have more influence on them than you might think. They will have some rebellious times no matter what schools they go to - no matter where you live and no matter if they are involved in church or not. But they are always watching you - learning from you and keeping tract of who you are - and that can only be done if you are around to show them. Stay the course - it is wonderful when you see them become adults and all of the sacrifices you made to be there for them pays off.
Posted by: Dana Ruth | July 27, 2008 at 08:10 AM
With our girls just a few steps behind your girls, I couldn't be happier to know your family. You and Faith have been amazing role models for Rob and I and how we raise our girls. Our kids look up to yours in a huge ways...I couldn't be happier than to have two teenage girls ahead of my tween girls that love Jesus, love thier church, and even love their Mom and Dad. Thanks for being such great parents!
Posted by: Michelle Wegner | July 28, 2008 at 09:22 AM
I was directed to you by perrynoble.com and i must say i agree with what you have said. My husband and i are 30 and 31 and we have 3 kids. 13, 8, and 6. (ill wait while you do the math)
I would like to add...and some will argue here... I have found that a small amount of supervised time with people who do things you disagree with and teach against (drugs, drunks, promiscuity, sex before marriage) They see the problems and KNOW 1st hand that you arent just being strick, there is a reason for your "talks"
My 13 yr old knows we werent married when we got pregnant and that 13 yrs later we are still together. She may take that as a sign that it will always work out. BUT then she has her 16 yr old cousin who has a 3 month old baby whos dad has nothing to do with them unless its to fight. She also has a family member who was a drug user and is now very sick as a result. She gets around them and then reassures me that she "will never be that stupid, because she doesnt think the end would be worth the fun" I know when/if her "friends" offer her a hit or a drink ...she will get a picture of so and so in her head.
Posted by: jennifer | July 28, 2008 at 12:54 PM
I'm jumping in late here -- but I only have time to read my blogs about once a week because I've got 4 stinkin' teenagers :) (18,16,16,14)
Without a doubt - for me - it's now the hardest season of parenting. (Changing diapers seems like playing with Lincoln Logs about right now!)
Probably because I'm normally not near broken enough and it requires more humility than ever before. Humility to not always be the top person in their life. Humility to let them make mistakes. Humility to not respond with jealously every time some punk :) comes chasing after one of my beautiful daughters (oldest 3 are girls). Humility to engage them where they are.
At the same time I must also - from my experience - disagree with your chart (and agree some with the person who said that much of this is perceived) because I do know that my kids still deeply desire my presence and loving leadership in their lives. I know that I still influence them as much as anyone. I just have to do it differently than I have before. I must engage them more and more on an adult level. I must be sensitive to where they are emotionally and appeal to their heart and the consequences of right and wrong decisions, while allowing them to choose at appropriate levels.
I like you Tim am not sure how all of this is going to turn out . . . but I do know that I'm going to keep fighting for my kids lives!
Posted by: John Bradshaw | August 01, 2008 at 12:41 PM
I agree, We as parents have to be the biggest part of our children's lives from birth to 13ish. I have experienced this first hand.Once your son or daughter enters middle school it becomes a new world.You do not have to let them do everything they ask. We as parents have the right to say no for their own good. Do not allow them to do things just because "YOU TRUST THEM" if your first instinct as a parent was to say no then by all means it is ok. God gives us an understanding that allows us to sense when our children have been up to something and when we get that feeling do not ignore it but say something, let them know you are aware. I love my children as any parent but I found out the truth. If you do love your children it is ok to say "no" It is ok to let them be disappointed sometimes, We have to be strong leaders, God demands this of us. Raise them up in the way they should go and they will not wonder far from it. They won't. I think the chart is probably pretty accurate. So Parents spend quality time with your children while they still want you around, Play on the floor, play toy cars or trucks or baby dolls anything they want because if you don't, when the bad stuff starts who will they turn to?
Posted by: Lisa | August 04, 2008 at 09:32 AM