The Negative Love Syndrome and
the Quadrinity Model©

A Path to Personal Freedom and Love

by Bob Hoffman

Adoption of, and Rebellion Against
Negative Love Patterns

The adoption of Mother's and Father's patterns of feeling and behaving begins pre-verbally in Mother's womb and accelerated after birth. The negative programming continues until puberty by which time we’ve adopted — or rebelled against — virtually all of our parents' and surrogate parents' behaviors, moods and attitudes. We then carry them into adulthood as our own.

There are two basic ways we take on negative patterns, behaviors, moods and admonitions:

1. Adoption

We unconsciously adopt our parents' traits and mirror them back to be like them so they will love us. For example, when adopting the negative trait of being "critical", one becomes self-critical, critical of others, and/or sets it up for others to be critical of him/her. (If it is a trait of both Mother and Father, it is doubly devastating.)

2. Adoption + Rebellion = Conflict

Adoption of the trait plus Rebellion against it creates a push-pull inner conflict.

We unconsciously adopt our parent's negative trait, but we dislike the trait and its consequences. We then suppress overt expression of that trait and our feelings about it. We learn to act out an alternative behavior. This provides the illusion of freedom and self-development.

To continue our example, if we adopted the trait of being critical but at some point lost the taste for the attitudes and behaviors that come into our lives as critical people, we then attempt to be non-judgmental and accepting. Acting out the alternative, however, does not quiet the negative voice within us. We are pulled in two opposing directions. I refer to this as a push-pull conflict. Perhaps on one occasion, we act out the adopted behavior, the next time the alternative behavior. This seesawing creates even greater anxiety and conflict.

Bear in mind that in order to be loyal to each parent, we must play both roles, adopting each of their traits. For example, suppose your Mother was quiet and placating. She never expresses anger. Father, on the other hand, was hostile and aggressive. Outwardly, you may behave like your mother, but the suppression of Daddy's hostility is like a latent volcano rumbling inside, waiting for the appropriate moment to erupt. Moreover you may be like Mother, incompetent at dealing with anger but having angry people around you.

Adoption and conflict are clearly demonstrated in extreme examples. It is well documented that adult child abusers were themselves abused children. In their agony they may vow, "When I grow up and have children, I'll never hit them and be mean to them like my Mommy and Daddy are to me." When they become adults and have children, however, they are often unable to live up to these intentions and end up lashing out and abusing their offspring.

While they are abusing their child, their own emotional child is crying out subliminally to their Mommy and Daddy, "See, Mommy or Daddy, I'm hurting and beating my child just like you hurt me. I'm just like you. Now will you love me?" (And if they do manage to control their tendency to abuse their own children, the compulsive emotional drive behind this programming is channeled into other forms of behavior that is hurtful to self or others.)

 

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