Funthusia

Look Mr. Reporter, the thing is that every night on the dinner table, my father boasts about the no. of reality shows he has done. My mom too after getting incredibly jealous has started judging shows. She too has started boasting about how she spanks a contestant on her show and make them look like 10 year old kids.  Judging this  show is my way of keeping with the family tradition.

Since time immemorial, reality shows have been my bread and butter. This show will make sure that I have my Jam too.

Maalik deta hai, Main leta huu.
Mallika ko main deta huu, saali woh leti hi nahi

“The fight was intense, the youngsters at Pee TV rooted for Malaika, while the old-aged people rooted for Alisha. They had to call in a foreign person for the final verdict. That person, was Simon Cowell. He without even looking at the judges, declared that the lady who shows the maximum cleavage will be made the judge. That’s how Saroj Khan was picked.â€

When you know you just haven’t studied,

When you know the hopes of passing are long buried,

A look on the question paper gets you worried.

Then to the rescue comes a friend,

Copying from his paper is the latest trend.

So you go about copying it end to end.

At the end of the paper,

you know you’ve passed.

How much you’ve copied leaves your teacher aghast.

But the joy of passing,

Just by copying,

Leaves you smiling all day long.

-Shivansh

Today, I, Sameer Jha would like to make a very heartfelt and emotional speech. It’s not like an acceptance speech for the Academy Awards or the Filmfare or even the lesser known Max Stardust (Celebrating New Excellence) Awards.

It is nevertheless, a speech… a one of a kind speech. The kind I am sure you will be acquainted with in a few moments from now.

I would begin my speech by thanking none other than my esteemed teachers who I must confess, have been incredibly helpful. In fact, if it had not been for their help, I wouldn’t have failed in 3 or more subjects. And not failing would have been very bad… because a wise man once said: “He who hath not seen failure, shalt forget about success.”

The second person I would like to thank is my principal. That guy is a gem. In fact,his speech is even more boring than the one that you are currently reading. Seriously Man.

He is extremely proficient at making you sleep in a heavily cramped area meant for 20 students and filled with 200 assholes. The only other person who could rival him was my ex-principal. But unfortunately, my days with him lasted only for a year.

People Say and Believe

“Money is Important. Everything Else is Secondary.”

Our school miraculously, does not believe in this concept. Simply because, the school makes money from both primary and secondary section. Not to forget, the fact that they make higher money from the higher secondary.

So you must have seen, that in keeping with the sentiments of the young generation; the school has remixed the above saying to:-

“Money is Primary, Even more money is secondary. We are running a business organization for Christ sake; nothing we provide can be free.”

So, it was you. Can you explain as to what really happened? What made the noise?

Ma’am actually I was er.. eating and the lunch kinda fell down.

Eating!! What guts. You’ve completed your work or what?

Ur… Yes Ma’am.

Bring your notebook.

Uh… Ma’am it’s a bit incomplete.

You BRING YOUR NOTEBOOK NOW!!!

Ma’am it’s my rough notebook…

I see… There’s Hindi in it… then some English. History and Maths, no trace of geography… What have you been doing in my period? And this… the subject field of your label.. you’ve written what?

God only knows.

You eat in my class, not make my notebook, show disrespect towards me.. and just refuse to say sorry. I am gonna take you to the principal now…

Sorry Ma’am…

You… Come with me.

What have you done?

Sir.. he was eating…

I asked him.

Sir, I eh… was eating in the class and my notebook’s not complete.

Don’t say it’s not complete… you’ve not made it (goddamit)…

Ah… Well, Did you have your breakfast?

No Sir.

Yeah I figured that out… Hunger makes you do gutsy things… And yes, if a child is hungry he/she may not be able to study. So I think it’s fair for you to eat. But But, you should’ve asked your Subject Teacher also… And yes, have your breakfast from now on…

I assure you that it’ll never happen again..

And yes, about the notebook… it should be on my desk the first thing tomorrow morning.

Yes Sir.

What period is this.. zzzzzzero or first..??

First it is. This is so bloody damn boring man..

Yeah seriously… By the way what did you bring for lunch…?

Urm.. Let’s see…

Woah.. It is butter chicken.

Hmm… So what are you waiting for… just open that thing and we shall eat it now.

Now?

Yes Now.

What man? Are you crazy?? This things gonna get us caught..

No Man!! Chill!! I have done this before and I’ll be doing it afterwards also.. Just open the lunch box dude..

Hmmm… I smell something here… Are you guys like eating or something.

It’s chicken… butter chicken… Now don’t ask anything else and follow my instructions.

WHAT am I supposed to do?

Just eat what’s being passed to you.

WoW Man…It tastes so good… Much better than what it would have tasted during the lunch break.

Oh so this is Sameer’s Mother.

Yes… So how’s Sameer in the class?

Honestly, not very good. He does nothing at all… And that will soon start reflecting in his marks.

I don’t f**king care about marks.

Yes! What did you say?

I said Max!! Smashing Max ice cream is not to be had in this cold season you see… You know my friend- Adani- he..

Okay Okay… So as I was saying, what do you intend to do about your marks?

Yeah Sameer, your marks have been really bad. This way others will go ahead and you’ll remain there only.

You know what mom, I have thought about it, I’ve thought about it long enough to decide that I will score marks in this exam.

Yes beta… Very Good. See you are very intelligent, if you do sincerely then you will definitely go ahead in life…

Besides studies, does he do anything else that’s unacceptable.

Yes, he cracks a lot of jokes… and passes comments… he shouldn’t do that.

WhaT The FucK?

What? What did you say?

I said… What the… DUCK. What the duck said to the fish? It said that, “When I come around Mr. Fish, you have to duck for cover.”

Hmm.. I see something fishy there…

Anyways, you’ll promise ma’am that you’d study from now on.

Yes I will do that motherfucker.

What???

Mine worker… I’ll work hard like a mine worker.

So, how on earth did you reach the ladies toilet?

Ur… It was an accident. Actually, our eco lecture which usually takes place on the 3rd floor was held on the second floor that day. And since both the floors are somewhat identical and the pressure was huge, I managed to get in the ladies toilet.

Sounds interesting… What was it like?

Clean. Much cleaner than the boys toilet. I was taken aback by the non-availability of the lavatories where we can stand and do our thing. But, that didn’t deter me from getting excited and thinking about telling everyone that our very own toilet has changed.

Hmm… I see you didn’t realize it was the ladies toilet as soon as you reached there. Were you not suspicious of the missing lavatories?

A good question. Actually, last year the lavatories were tampered by a few students. So, I thought maybe they renovated the whole thing after the vacation to avoid further pilferage.

Hahaha.. Now what’s the difference between a ladies and a gents toilet?

Nothing much, just the lavatories are missing, and the washbasin is on the other side. The cabinets for latrine and all are a lot more cleaner. And yeah, not to forget there’s a mirror too..

WoW!

Also, I wonder why there’s only 3 urinating places in comparison to the 6 we have in the boys toilet… there must be stampede’s during lunch breaks.

Haha!! Did anyone catch you?

Yeah!! Just when I was about to leave, I saw a teacher there, her face was at first shellshocked and then I guess she was also trying to suppress a laugh.

Did she say anything? And what did you do?

She said, “What are you trying to do here.” I said something which sounded like, “Toy-late.” She said, “This is ladies toilet.” i got excited and said “Sorry Ma’am… It was some kind of a mistake.” After that, I quickly slipped away from the toilet.

Phew!! Whaatay Experience.

It’s one of the places you shouldn’t miss visiting. Atleast, once in your life.

Farting’s cool. Not in the literal sense. In the literal sense, its hot. But morally and ethically, its cool. So, its time for you to not be a fool and NOT look down upon farting.

Good Morning Sameer…

So why do you want to be the head boy?

Well for one, I have a head and am not yet a man which implies I am a
boy… It’s pretty simple sir, I think I have the passion, the attitude
to be a roadie… uh… the head boy. It’s my life.

Oh okay… I see… What are you hobbies Sameer.

Urm… I like to eat in the class… specially lunches brought by
someone else. And then I love to steal someone else’s notebook.. It’s kinda cool you know.. Steal someone’s notebook… and when you are done with it… keeping it in his/her best friend’s bag.. Genius no… Also…

Oh I see… You have a good sense of humor. Good Good. Not many people
crack jokes in front of me. It’s good that you are comfortable and confident with your principal.

So sameer… who’s your idol.. the one person you look up to.

Sir.. I am not sure whether you’ll believe me but it’s Vivek Oberoi…
I have become his GREATEST fan ever since I saw his face in that Babool
ad. I mean that was pure genius at work.

Oh okay…

Ok Sameer…
Final Question. What are the changes that you as the school
representative will being about in the school?

Firstly, I would make sure that the head boy gets access to one full
plate of tandoori chicken everyday. Now sir this is very important…
To take active part in the activities of the school, the head boy needs
to maintain his health and for that very reason he should be goven
tandoori chicken everyday. I have doctor’s report that tandoori
chicken== good health.

Also sir I’ll not poke my nose into the dirty affairs of others… as I
think the students of this school should be self-dependent,
self-reliant and every other self-realted adjective…

Oh I see… with that answer you’ll definitely get a badge.

Oh thank you sir…

You are surely going to be the dead boy of this school.

Arey mere paise ka kya hua…

Chutiye! Dus rupaiye me koi head boy banata hai kya…