MPD/DID Humor
Life is hard as it is and humor and jokes are very healing. These jokes are about being MPD/DID so if you are offended by jokes about this topic please don't read this page. They where not intended to make fun of being MPD/DID. But instead meant to bring up a little bit of humor and laughter about the things we go through. Also please remember that these are like 20 years old so some of the terms and such are not up to date.
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New Tax Form MPD-1040
Form MPD-Certain deductions are available for those who qualify as multiple personalities in the current tax year. Deductions will reduce your taxable income or increase your refund even if it exceeds your income. To qualify, you must pass the following screening test.
1. Mono-personalities with mood swings do not qualify, even if you have been accused of multiplicity.
2. PMS, mid-life crisis, and Monday morning syndrome do not qualify.
3. You qualify if you agree that you are multiple, even if some of you do not admit it, or if some of you agree but others do not but would admit it if they did, or all of you agree to disagree. If you understand this statement, you automatically qualify and may proceed.
EXEMPTIONS
____Claim the number of dependents in your system here.
____Stand back and let the independents claim themselves here.
____Total: Add this number to the total exemption in form 1040.
DEDUCTIONS
____Enter all the costs of therapy sessions, including transportation, band aids, multiple personality wardrobes, cost of therapy and value of your time in training your therapist.
____Check here if you would like these expenses reimburse to your income taken from your perpetrator(s).
____Check here if you think the perpetrator(s) should be audited by the IRS. If it turns out they owe additional funds to the IRS, where should we send you the check?
____Add five cents deduction for every time you have heard or read that multiple personality was presumed to be a disorder.
____TOTAL: Subtract this amount from the income portion of your form 1040.
Just weeks after my official diagnosis of DID, I was hospitalized when one of my alters tried to k*ll me. When asked by one of the other patients why I was in the hospital, I quickly answered with "A multiple of reasons...."
How many alters does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as will: one to change the bulb, one to change it back, three to argue over whether they want it light or dark, one to throw the light bulb against the wall to hear it crash, one to clean up the mess, four to go shopping for new bulbs and come home with stocking, licorice, Disney movies, popcorn and masking tape, one who insists it "IS" the light bulb and doesn't understand why everyone always wants it to change and can't it just be itself etc....
How many alters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four--- 1 to screw in the light bulb, 1 to watch the screwing in of the light bulb, 1 to deny the screwing in of the light bulb ever happened, and 1 to repress the memory.
Q) How many Dissociative's does it take to change a light bulb?
A1) What?
A2) None. Something horrible will happen if I try.
A3) None - I can hallucinate just fine without light.
A4) We need to buy more plants.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MULTIPLE WHEN.....
*You go to the movies and qualify for the child, student, and senior discount rates.
*There is a dozen messages on your answering machine and none are for you.
*You have to save up all year for your therapists birthday presents.
*Your dog responds to a dozen different names.
*All your co-workers have to find you to work their child-proof lighter's.
*You ask for extra name tags at a convention.
*You have 6 toothbrushes in your bathroom and you live alone.
* You ask for a balloon in restaurants.
Top Ten Reasons Why It's Great Being Multiple!
10. If the blind date's a dog, it can usually find SOMEONE who like them.
9. Can finally wear that interesting shade of orange and not take the blame.
8. Have enough players to form your own volleyball team.
7. Able to excuse purchase of faaaaaabulous dinnerware pattern..... for 12!
6. Legitimate reason for buying Dove Bars in family packs.
5. Always win when someone says, "Let's take a vote!"
4. Extra dependents at tax time.
3. Weekends spent shopping at Lord & Taylor for extra wardrobes.
2. 17 or so birthdays in one year.
.....AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY IT'S GREAT BEING A MULTIPLE:
1. Group discounts at Disneyland!!!!!!!
More Pluses and Minuses of Having Multiple Personalities
-You own more of a variety of clothes.
-Occasionally, at your place of employment, you have a choice of time cards.
-Sometimes you go to work with scratches all over your face from the night before from fighting over the TV remote.
-You go crazy each December, asking your inside family/alters what they want for Christmas.
-When you visit the doctor, he gets 54 different complaints.
-You sit in the restaurant for hours arguing on who pays the check.
Who's been out?????
Okay so who's out first?
No Who was out yesterday.
Who?
Yes, Who.
Okay I'm asking you who was out and you're telling me Who?
Yes, Who.
Well who are you?
No I'm not Who, I'm Nobody.
Nobody?
Yes I'm Nobody.
But you cant be nobody, You have to be somebody.
No, Somebody's generally angry.
Who is angry?
No, Who is happy. Angry is also angry.
Of course angry is angry, but your definitely somebody.
No, I'm Nobody.
Ok, let me see if i have this... you're no one.
No I'm Nobody... No One was out this morning.
No one was out?
Yeah, No one.
Will if no one was out, who was i taking to then?
No One.
Nobody?
No- No One.
Something's wrong here...
No, Something has been sleeping for a long time.
Who has been sleeping?
No, Something's been sleeping for awhile. Who was out yesterday.
But something has to be someone, doesn't he?
No, Someone is a he, Something is a she.
Huh?
Huh is a-sexual.
Huh?
Yeah, Huh is a-sexual.
(I could keep this going for awhile.. but because we all know how this goes anyway I wont :)
Comedy sketch involving a roomful of dissociative people trying to make dinner....................... By Jeff Vineburg (jeffv@op.net) from The Significant Other's Guide to DID
Hey, um..... You.... I'm hungry.. could we make dinner now?
Huh?
I wanna eat. Let's make something.
Huh? Uh- what? Ok.
What do you want to eat?
Umm... I don't know.
Ok, hand me the thing...
What thing?
You Know.. the THING. Over there....
Oh.
Well?
Well what?
Hand me the thing.
What thing?
[phone rings] I'll put the phone in the oven.
The what?
The phone.
In the oven?
Yes, what's wrong with that?
You don't put the phone in the oven... they're too tough to eat.
I know that.
Then why did you tell me to put the phone in the oven?
I said no such thing.
Yes you did.
You're making this up....
Huh?
You're making it up.
Making WHAT up?
The oven.
What about the oven?
Aren't we going to eat?
I'm not hungry.
You just said you were hungry.
No I didn't. [ad nauseam]
If you have any comments/questions please email me boyym@didmpdinfo.com
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