I'm not sure how anyone could have missed this one coming, but apparently it is news at Bloomberg. True, things look bad for hedge fund lampreys, but there is still time to repurpose the real estate once used to house in audacious style, those hedge funds that once enjoyed annoying levels of success. Personally, we think that a former trading floor would make a wonderful viewing room for a funeral home. And what childcare facility wouldn't have its reception area improved with a large salt-water tank complete with three species of shark prowling around the glass enclosure ceaselessly?

London Hedge Fund Alley Rents Fall as Firms Close [Bloomberg]

I'm running out of reasons to justify working at Goldman Sachs. If they get rid of Blankfein Breakfast Sandwich Sunday, in which employees are compensated for coming in on the weekend to cook the books with a delicious and sacrilegious pork-themed treat-- probably because sin tastes so good-- I'm done. We have it on a good authority that the powers that be at 85 Broad have just hiked vending machine rates. Items which previously cost 75 cents will now set you back an additional $0.20. This on the heels of a ridiculous cost cutting initiative that saw expensed dinners go from $25 to $20, and the downright ludicrous ban on free soda and water. One employee in particular is so distraught that he told Dealbreaker, "In a way I almost feel a twinge of gratitude that 10% of my departed brethren never had to wake up to a workday full of such cut-rate ignominy." Sure, it sounds like typical smug confectionery entitlement characteristic of a GS employee which would normally get a "Shut up, Winkelried," but at this point we truly feel unmitigated sadness.

So, according to those who track such things, the 388 Greenwich groups to watch get slaughtered in the near term are global corporate banking, IBD, M&A, and global portfolio management. That we'll buy. What we're slightly skeptical about is the rumor that "janitors have already put boxes out on each floor." Why? Because Vikram Pandit just acknowledged 53,000 people would be getting canned yesterday. Obviously it's been in the works for a while but this would be an extremely impressive turn around time for any company, let alone an insolvent one.*

It would pretty much be the first time Citi moved its ass on anything. It would also represent the first time the Big C lived up to its promise to pull all-nighters since introducing us to its fantastic new motto back in May (we received word up the cleaning staff putting out the pack up your shit receptacles circa 2 am). Perhaps we're looking at a new regime at Citi? The only other explanation we can think of is that this is standard protocol for the custodial arts staff, known for expediency and thoroughness practically foreign to the firm at large, and that those in charge of distributing the actual pink slips will fuck it up in short order. (Obviously it goes without saying that we recommend a coup, at least in the c-suite.)

*Get over yourselves, I'm just trying to keep it casual in here.

We share in your outrage (for surely you possess it) following Mr. Spitzer's gliding skate off center ice without so much as a bloodied nose. We're not often the ones hissing "it's a conspiracy," but with passages like this emanating from the New York Times, it's hard not to think that "the fix is in."

So let me get this straight. We're off to other business because the charges we would have brought don't include statutory rape? This is the threshold we are going to require?

Reid Calls For $25B In Banking Money For Auto Sector (DJNews)
Harry Reid et al introduced a bill to the floor Monday night calling for $25B from the Baking package. Apparently the American public are as attentive as dogs, simply looking wherever people snap - makes it easy to "accomplish" things that way.

"The bill, to be introduced by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., Monday evening, would provide $25 billion in low-cost loans to General Motors Corp. (GM), Ford Motor Co. (F) and Chrysler LLC."

Dutch Insurance Company Aegon Positioning For Bailout Money (Reuters)
The company is looking to purchase a Maryland based Savings and Thrift so as to qualify for US TARP money - it looks like they'll be seeking anywhere between $1.25B and $4.75B.

Yesterday, we saw Hartford doing essentially the same with an S&L, but this move is markedly different; it's not a U.S. Entity. While it's true that Aegon holds Transamerica Insurance - the company itself isn't based in the United States - which raises the all mighty question: what the hell?

Let's expound upon that a little bit - what if a flood of Iranian banks started buying Thrifts and applying for money? Who do we let raid the taxpayer vault?

Ford Drop-Kicks Mazda's Ass Out The Door (FT)
Ford is selling the majority of its holdings (20%/33.4%) in Mazda for $540MM in an attempt to stay alive long enough for Government money.

"Ironically, Ford had succeeded in making Mazda profitable even as its own business struggled."

UAW Weakens Its Grip On Washington (NYT)
The United Autoworkers Union has long held a firm grip on the policy makers in the East, but it looks as though their influence may be waning. I'm of the opinion that we're the chief culprits in this: next to us they look like children. The Time seems to agree - in part - but also cites long standing feuds with the Senate, and poor leadership.

Also touched on was the "Jobs Bank at G.M." which (via UAW) assured that all workers that were laid off from their auto jobs had full pay until they could find other employment.

Yang To Step Down As Yahoo CEO (DJNews)
Yang is stepping down after failed talks with Microsoft, having been with the company since its founding. Yahoo, for those of you who came to the interwebs post Google, was one of the first fully functional search engines. I don't remember anything before Yahoo, except books, which you can now get on Google.

M.B.A.s Veer Off Path to Big Finance Jobs (WSJ)
Synopsis: The majority of grads are seeking employment outside of IB, as they're scared the structure is disintegrating. For those staying in the field, they'll be seeking employment at Boutique and Middle Market houses. The big winners of the purge are going to be Technology and Consulting, who are going to pick up better grads than previously thought possible - as the job everyone really wants is going to be under water for ~5 years.

Paulson's Fund Buys Troubled MBS (FT
Paulson, seeing that the MBS market is depressed, has moved to purchase the undervalued securities and could stand to make a tidy sum off them.

I've always been a fan of the adage: "when there's blood in the streets, buy real estate."

At Least One Citi Employee Will Be Okay (NYDN)
"Drug dealing on craigslist has become so rampant that the city's special narcotics prosecutor has asked the online trading post to curb the ads, the Daily News has learned.

Bridget Brennan's undercover investigators have bought drugs offered on craigslist personals from dealers ranging from a Citigroup banker to an Ivy Leaguer to a violent felon using a halfway house computer. In the past four years, her office has prosecuted dozens of dealers."

--William Richards

$$$ "How To Ground The Street," by Eliot Spitzer [Washington Post]

$$$ Damien Hirst Admits His Art Was Overpriced. Big Guy, your thoughts on the matter? [Cityfile]

$$$ GM Goes All-in (With 2-7 Off-Suit in the Hole) [1-2]

$$$ "I'm going to do what we need to do to keep the system strong but I'm not going to be looking to start up new things unless they're necessary, unless they make great sense," Mr. Paulson said. [WSJ]

Remember this?

And this?

They just sold for $25,000 and $18,000, respectively, to a buyer in DC who wished to remain anonymous. Let that sink in. (And give us your best guest re: who shelled out for these masterpieces.)

Earlier: Say It To His Face

So, I'm not saying that Citi senior executives should get bonuses, because they probs shouldn't. But if I were Vickie Pandit or one of the Pandettes it would really frost my cookies to hear Andrew Cuomo suggest that "At the very least, Citigroup should follow Goldman Sachs' lead and announce quickly that top executives will not be receiving bonuses this year." Come on now. They might not be letting on, but Pandit and Co. obviously know they're scraping the bottom of the urinal league tables. Is it really necessary to make this how they're inferior in every way to Goldman Sachs, including not accepting their garbage bags of money? If I'm going to give up a bonus, I'm going to do it on my own terms, not because perfect Lloyd did. And furthermore, let's be honest. Since when does Citi give a shit about what Goldman does? If they were trying to emulate the Masters o' the U, they would've at least made a little money by initiating a buddy system between the prime brokerage and the prop desk in order to facilitate front running of clients. This was poorly thought out on Andy's part. I move for full bonuses, all cash. Drawn off a small bank in Zurich, Switzerland.

Statement from Attorney General Andrew Cuomo Concerning Bonuses to Top Executives at Citigroup [NY State Attorney General]

Linda: "Ok, I can't see your nametag. There, Lloyd, is it? C'mon in. Take a seat anywhere. Ok. I think that's the last of you. Let's get started. Uh, ok... sir, uh... yes, you... Vi-car, is it? We couldn't get the large nametags. Are you waiting for someone?"

Vikram: "It's Vikram, and no... I most certainly am not waiting for someone, thank you very much."

Jamie: "Relax Vikram. Don't be a jerk. Seriously."

Linda: "Ok, let's take our seats. We have a lot to cover. My name is Linda. Some of you know me already. I'm a specialist in corporate communications, as well as investor and legislative relations. I have managed to keep the U.S. Auto Industry afloat for more than a dozen years with careful subsidy management, tax relief, bailouts and favorable legislation. You could say that I turn corporate frowns, upside down, really. Ok, Lloyd... since you were late, maybe it would be better if you focused your energy on paying attention instead of laughing with your neighbor, yes? Ok. So... moving on. I'm here because... somebody has a little problem with their public image and with Washington... isn't that right everyone? Yes, well. Who here is facing bankruptcy? C'mon, hands up now. Don't be shy. Ok, Brady? Eyes front please. Ok. Thanks. Several of you I see, yes. So. Who has the sympathy of their congressional district? I see, no one... no one? Let's talk about working the angles here. John, how large is your labor union?"

John: "Uh, my... labor union?"

I mean seriously though, can't you come up with a better pit to shoot yourself in than the interest rate futures pit? I thought everyone knew that the big fortunes are won and lost in the Frozen Concentrated Orange Juice pit. And, folks, if you are going to shoot yourself on a floor at all, please finish the job the first time, right?

Trader shoots himself at Brazil financial exchange [Reuters]

"Mr. Cuban intends to contest the allegations and to demonstrate that the Commission's claims are infected by the misconduct of the staff of its Enforcement Division."

I mean this kind of poetry is made by one born to write it. It simply cannot be learned.

The SEC [Blog Maverick]

Apparently the cuts at Putnam Investments today were "nasty," though obviously not as disgusting as Citi. At least 47 people shown the door, including 12 portfolio managers. CEO Robert Reynolds seems to be doing okay though, but perhaps that's just the glow of Dennis Kneale.

You'd all know that if some jolly elfin' CEO hadn't decided to make everything about him and his problems today, selfish dick. I don't think I'm alone here in saying that it wouldn't have killed Count Vikula to say, "Hey, my diversified whorehouse will still be in the toilet in 24 hours, and it's not like those fifty zillion layoffs are going to go anywhere, so I'm going to put my spiel off 'til tomorrow and let today be about John. Maybe I'll even get this pic blown up and framed and walk over to 1585 and personally deliver it, if they'll still let me in the building. Maybe I'll see if Zoe wants to jump out of a cake with me. Maybe I'll do a lot of things."

Anyway, apparently it falls to us to do something nice for the Lebanese Lothario 64th year, but we can't decide what. So take the next hour or so to decide amongst yourselves and will make something happen around 1. Off the top of our heads, we're considering:

A. A cheesesteak
B. The ever-popular panty-gram
C. A cannoli
D. A new short selling ban
E. A Mitsubishi Eclipse
F. Your brilliant idea

Birthdays [Cityfile]