Super Hero in Training

I have two weeks to go before I’m finished with school for the summer. I’m excited. This summer I want to do so much. I may also have to get a summer job but we’ll see.

My son turns 3 on Sunday and starts Pre-school on Monday. His last day at daycare was today. He has been with them since he was 6 weeks old. They are an awesome pair of women who love children. I really appreciate how they’ve cared for my son…amazing that he’s moving on to a new place. I know he will learn alot at his new school and I’m sure I’ll learn alot too. Imagine that in two years, he will be in Kindergarten and I will be graduating and, God willing, caring for another baby and living in a different house. I am excited to see how it will all work out.

So, I am going to be in The Vagina Monologues. I’m so excited. I’m going to help do the intro with Lily and Joann and then I’m to do the monologue called “I Was There in the Room.” I’m very excited. V-Day is a national charitable event organized by Eve Ensler it is done every year around the United States the biggest of which will be in the Louisiana Superdome. Every group that is doing a V-Day will donate to the Women of New Orleans and also to local charities in their area that work to combat violence against women. Here are the details:

The Vagina Monologues at McCormick Theological Seminary

Performed by the women of the Hyde Park Seminaries

Performances: Friday, Feb 15 at 7pm and Saturday, Feb 16 at 1:30pm

Proceeds go to The Women of New Orleans, YWCA Harris Center & Korean American Women in Need

Well, I’ve made it through the Fall Qtr. Here is the verdict:

Summer Intensive, Biblical Hebrew (the language of the Old Testament) - B. I’ll have you know that she turned in a C in this class and I had to remind her that she had already advised me that I had earned a B. She corrected it. Amen. This class was amazingly hard. 26 chapters in 3 weeks (5 days per week and 4 hours per day).

Intro to Hebrew Lit aka Hebrew Bible - B. This professor is very benevolent. I still owe a paper in the class and somehow I got a B. God is good. I am still going to turn in the paper at some point, I wonder if that paper will bring my grade up or down. Maybe I should just leave well enough alone.

Fall Biblical Hebrew - C+. I have to retake the Final at some point. But I figure if I can get a C the same quarter I have a miscarriage and a cancer scare that I’m not doing half bad. Plus this class is at 8 a.m. and I am not the morning girl. I have devised a plan to meet with a classmate weekly and study to catch me up enough to retake the final and attend the reading group in the Spring.

Public Church, Part 1 - Incomplete. Yes, the dreaded ’I’ which all U of C Divinity students have warned me against. Thank God they exist. I still owe Dr. G a critical review of a MLK speech and a final paper on Public Theology. 

What I learned is that I really can psyche myself out. Not good. I really do have the ability to immobilize myself with fear and that I just push too hard. Life was rough last quarter and that’s about it.

I am taking a Black Theology class this quarter and one of the books we are reading is by James H. Cone. Dr. Cone is one of the foremost Black theologians.

Take a look at his Bill Moyers interview from November 23, 2007:
http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/11232007/watch.html

“With the noose and the lynching tree entering the national discussion in the wake of recent news events, Bill Moyers interviews theologian James Cone about how these powerful images relate to the symbol of the cross and how they signify both tragedy and triumph.”
Click the title below to hear Billie Holiday sing the song.

Strange Fruit by Billie Holiday

Southern trees bear strange fruit,
Blood on the leaves and blood at the root,
Black bodies swinging in the southern breeze,
Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees.

Pastoral scene of the gallant south,
The bulging eyes and the twisted mouth,
Scent of magnolias, sweet and fresh,
Then the sudden smell of burning flesh.

Here is fruit for the crows to pluck,
For the rain to gather, for the wind to suck,
For the sun to rot, for the trees to drop,
Here is a strange and bitter crop.

Lose Yourself

Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
He’s nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgettin’
What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won’t come out
He’s choking, how everybody’s joking now
The clock’s run out, time’s up over, bloah!
Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity
Oh, there goes Rabbit, he choked
He’s so mad, but he won’t give up that
Easy, no
He won’t have it , he knows his whole back’s to these ropes
It don’t matter, he’s dope
He knows that, but he’s broke
He’s so stagnant that he knows
When he goes back to his mobile home, that’s when it’s
Back to the lab again yo
This whole rhapsody
He better go capture this moment and hope it don’t pass himYou better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it; you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo 

This song means a lot to me. It talks about fear and adversity and opportunity. It talks about pushing yourself into the moment and doing the thing you desire most even if it means doing that thing when you feel you are being strangled by fear. One of my favorite ministers refers to it as ‘Doing It Afraid.’ This song talks about taking the opportunity of a lifetime and going for it with reckless abandon, with whole heart, with whole mind and with whole soul. It talks about doing it afraid because you know that that the ability to accomplish your goal is within you. Because you know you have one life, one chance and you are willing to take the chance in face of fear and previous failure.

Fear has often plagues me. It immobilizes me. It makes me wait until the last minute to complete things. It makes me miss meals. It causes me to delay action, to disobey God, to cower to shiver to shrink from the very thing I desire. I have missed a lot a wonderful opportunities by letting fear ride me into a corner. Or did I ride fear? Regardless, it kicks my ass more often then anyone would ever imagine and I hate it. It makes me feel ashamed of myself. Fear has been a familiar excuse for me. I’m not doing that because I’m afraid. I’m not good at that. It’s not my thing. That’s what I say, so I don’t have to go though with it.  

My whole life, I’ve been exposed to theatre and performance. I’ve watched my mother rehearse and dance and transform herself into other people on stage and I always wanted to do it too. But when given the opportunity to audition for plays in high school, I chose to avoid it. I elected to watch the show rather than endure the audition process and deal with the possibility of rejection. I wasn’t the cool kid. I wasn’t good enough. But when I sat in the audience and watched to show I knew I could have been up there. I could have done the part of the maid or the dancing lady who was on stage for 4 minutes but I was afraid. This is one example of many and I’ve regretted each time I’ve chosen not to try.

Am I not more than a conqueror? Am I not talented? Am I not fabulous and gorgeous and amazing? If I really want to be superhero, a messenger of God, part of the holy nation should I not stand fearless, with eyes of fire, dreadlocks forming a halo like the rays of the sun, glowing with His Shekina Glory, should I not be spiritually ripped? Shouldn’t my mere presence make demons shake and cower? Why can’t I do this?

So many questions. But there are some answers and I find them in so many places - in the Bible, in poetry, in music, in the voices of friends and family and strangers. So many words permeating my brain. So much encouragement. The ammunition, the fuel, and the armor I need to continue to try. To get up again and keep walking. Part of me knows that I can do this because I’ve done it before….

I was at a Joyce Meyer service in Des Moines, IA. It was awesome and at one point in the service Joyce invited anyone who was battling with depression to come up for prayer. I

 was sitting there watching and God said, in my head “Go up there.â€

I said, in my head, “I’m not depressed, I’m the happy girl.â€

God said, “Go up there.â€Â 

So rather than get that awful feeling I get when I disobey a direct order, I went up there and got in line. I ended up in line behind a lady with blond curly hair, just a bit shorter than me.  I stood there. 

Then He said, “Hug this woman and pray for her.† 

Outraged, I said in my head, “God this is a Joyce Meyer Conference! This woman is in line for Joyce to pray for her. Not me. “ 

That feeling again… “Do it.â€

So I did it. It was terrible. I was so scared. The woman didn’t seem to mind. Joyce prayed for us and we went on with our lives. I don’t remember what I said; I don’t remember any other details about that moment it was so long ago. 

Later that year, I was in Baker’s Square with my sister to get some dinner and I saw a lady I knew. I went by to say hi and her dinner mate looked at me and said, “You don’t remember me do you?â€

I said, “No.â€

She said, “We were both at the Joyce Meyer conference and you prayed for me and since then I haven’t had any problem with depression.† 

Instead of being happy and praising God for using me, I was completely freaked out. What if I hadn’t done it, would it have been my fault if that woman was still depressed? It seemed like too much responsibility. (Sermon: Be a Super Hero by Deirdre Jackson)

I struggle against my own fear. I look at my limitations, I worry about screwing up. I spend a lot of time convincing myself that this is real, that ministry is where I belong and that it’s not just some delusion of grandeur. It’s almost laughable considering what I know about pastors and ministers. Grandeur in the role of pastor is easily balanced out by stress, angry parishioners, low pay and passion to serve.

I remember when I volunteered to help a young MDiv student who was starting a church. Our pastor asked for volunteers and after church I told her I’d be happy to vacuum or make fliers because I was good administrative stuff. Months later, she called and I ended up in a meeting where we formed a leadership team and my husband, Lewis and I became fully involved in the creation of a new church. I was amazed by it but I also thought it would be a good experience. I did not really realize what a big deal it was. I really didn’t get it. I was the secretary no big deal. But there was so much more to it.

Since joining to leadership team at Family of Hope, I’ve preached two sermons, served communion, planned and lead worship services and prayed and prayed and prayed. I’ve ministered to people. I’ve counseled people. Me! I look at my shortcomings and I look at my failures and I realize that when I Lose Myself in the ministry. I can do it. I’ve been doing it.

Coming to the realization that I’ve already been doing this was a huge milestone in my vocational discernment. I had cried and cried over the decision to apply to University of Chicago. I was so distraught at one point that my pastor told me, you don’t have to do this. That statement freaked me out. She told me that God ordains people, not people. She told me that I didn’t have to do it. But I knew I had to do it. I told her that as much as I was afraid to do it, I was more afraid not to do it. I had to do it.

Every aspect of the process of applying for admission to University of Chicago pushed me out of my comfort zone. I hate asking for help because I fear rejection and I had to ask people to write letters of recommendation for me. They all said yes and they all submitted their letters on time. Not a single one of them let me down. I saw how irrational my fears are. I saw Gods grace and kindness prevail in places where I feared criticism and rejection.

I am telling a story that is incomplete.  I don’t know how this is going too turn out but I do know when I focus on the thing I love and I make the decision to show up in the face of fear, I see glimpses of the person I can be. I see a picture of the minister I might grow into.  Someday, I when someone comes to me and tells me about their struggles that I’ll be able to tell them about my journey and tell them that they can do it.