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Home > Singles > Single Minded

The Pioneers of Singledom
by Camerin Courtney
September 5, 2007
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The comment was a mere mile marker on the journey of our conversation. Not the main point or destination at all. But it stood out to me like a roadside attraction.

I was having dinner on a Friday night with three 20something single female friends. While each of our individual friendships is valuable, somehow the convergence of these personalities brings an extra level of relational magic. And lots of life-giving laughter.

Melody was steering our conversation at the moment, talking about the start of the new school year on the college campus where she teaches. She made a passing remark about a couple of older female faculty members whom she'd made a point of meeting "because I wanted to surround myself with strong single women like them."

Such a trivial detail, but to me it seemed like a flashing neon sign. I had a sudden desire to be counted among these women in Melody's life. I looked around the table at my dining companions, all a good ten years my junior, and thought, I want to be that to these women.

Driving home later that night, I realized I've had a lot of younger single women surrounding me lately. Besides this friendly threesome, at work I've been training Andrea, our new 25-year-old assistant editor. On my recent vacation to Greece, I spent several days exploring Athens with Anna and Danae, two college interns. All of them bright young Christian single women. And, of course, guys and relationships and singleness have been key topics of conversation.

As I recalled what I've said to these women about life as a 30something still-singleton, I realized I haven't always been the best ambassador. At times I've spilled too much singlehood angst, frustration at men, questioning of God. Not that I want to be Pollyanna, offering a chirpy, sugarcoated version of life at this stage. I believe in giving voice to doubts and questions to allow for much-needed honesty in Christian circles, and to work out these questions in the presence of fellow believers. I want these young women to know tough times are normal and usually temporary so they don't freak out when trials inevitably come.

But I also want to give voice to the good parts of singleness, the benefits that are easy to take for granted as the years pass by. The positive aspects of life that fall through the conversational cracks as we vent and complain to one another, seeking comedy and consolation. Not to paint singleness as any sort of higher calling, but to show that it can be just as valuable and rich a life stage as any other. That it's not cause for shame, and it's certainly not cause to make stupid life choices trying to escape it.

I also realized that in my 20s I didn't have many singleness role models. So as time passed and I found myself still single, I was somewhat unsure how a full, abundant life looked without a spouse and kids in it. Without the familiar structure of a family, what shape was my life supposed to take? Without the noble work of supporting a husband or raising godly children, what other special purposes might God have in mind for me? Having a few living, breathing examples of full-bodied singleness would've helped me see my options, helped me feel less weird, less lost at times.

With shifting demographics indicating singles are a larger and larger segment of the population, we 30- and 40something singles are pioneers of sorts. Breaking ground in new, relatively unexplored territory. As I've learned over the past couple decades, being a pioneer brings danger, adventure, fear, and joy. And, as I've learned of late, responsibility. To those in the rest of the body of Christ who need our unique perspective and gifts. To fellow travelers who need our camaraderie and cooperation. And to those who'll come after us, who need our strength and good example.

Oh sure, being a role model for the younger singles of the world could feel like one more thing I need to do as a Good Christian and Responsible Citizen. But when I think about these dear friends, the task feels more like a precious privilege. A redemptive purpose in this surprise and sometimes unwanted life stage.

And this responsibility comes with a few kickbacks. Some days, strong singleness comes easily; other days, it seems next to impossible. So a little extra motivation from a new direction is welcome, if you ask me. Kind of like cleaning house before friends come over to visit. I don't necessarily do it to impress, and I know my friends aren't bringing over white gloves and magnifying glasses (because if they did, they wouldn't be my friends). But some days this extra motivation is what I need to get the Windex out and spiff things up a bit. The older I get, the more I've learned to take motivation for positive action wherever I can get it. So if knowing younger singles are watching me can help me live bigger and bolder, stronger and more full of faith and hope, then I'm all for it.

So knowing my younger single friends are watching, I've said yes to an upcoming short-term mission trip at my church. And I've spoken more about the joys of travel and aunthood and spontaneity—seeing these perks with new eyes and fresh gratitude.

I've long appreciated that my 20something friends bless me with their extra energy and more hopeful, less jaded perspective. And I'm trying to bless them with a picture of how abundant single life can look should they stay in this stage for a few more years. And to show them—and me!—that singleness can be a grand adventure at any age.

We welcome your feedback and brainstorms at: SinglesNewsletter@ChristianityToday.com

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