Your post about your daughter and her demand for an apology from you "To own fault for something I’m certain I didn’t do..." raises serious alarm in me and does not illustrate my understanding of forgiveness.

Perhaps you dramatized these encounters with your daughter to make a point about the joy of forgiveness. But then you write, "The conflict is rarely my fault. Lulu has a formidable temper and often, it seems to me, invents offenses." And you add, "More bad parenting, I know. Insufficiently authoritative and just. Certainly far too accommodating to a fuming, wrong-headed teenager hungry for power. But I, too, want to sleep."

God did not ask us to roll over and forgive indiscriminately. Your post has less to do with forgiveness than to illustrate the sin of anger. Your daughter's demand that you apologize and to keep you awake until you do is not the intent of "Do not let the sun go down on your anger." [Eph 4:26] Your daughter's intent to wring an apology from you is designed to punish you, to make you suffer. This article on line illustrates both the dangers and value of well-placed anger: http://www.religion-online.org/showarticle.asp?title=334

This exchange between you and your daughter is frightening because I can see your daughter being the subject of letters to advice columnists in later life. I hope this was merely a poor example or a poor editing of apology and forgiveness.

This was so timely for me. My 10-yr-old daughter and have been arguing a lot lately. She recently told me that I haven't apologized to her in a long time... or more aptly put "you haven't asked for forgiveness." I have been, admitedly, a bit self-righteous in that I know I didn't start the argument and I remind her of that. But as her hormones change and she has entered this new tween stage... I wondered if perhaps I should apologize even if I don't think I did anything to cause her momentary unhappiness. Perhaps it will help mend the delicate circle of trust and love that has had holes poked in it by our recent move to a new city. Thank you for sharing your words of comfort and giving me a glimpse of motherly love offered in a new light.

cmp

Thought provoking post Patty. I think Matthew 5:23-24 is talking about apologies when it says "go and be reconciled" before you bring a gift to the altar. It doesn't say who is at fault, just take care of anything that breaks that fellowship with a fellow believer.
I hope Lulu grows in humility as you teach her the sweet freedom that comes when we own our mistakes - and even own mistakes we didn't make - without "if's" or "buts!"

Interesting thoughts. I stand on the other side of that with a son who is now in his twenties and recall many times that he apologized repeatedly and demanded for forgiveness for things he thought he had done real or imagined. He has OCD. It was the demanding part that caught my eye in your blog. It sounded so familiar just a kind of reversed situation. It only led to more and more demands. When it began to disrupt the whole of our family life we had to work hard to overcome the demanding behavior. When it is your child it is hard to know what to do even when what they do seems normal for them, if it disrupts the family with continual demands sometimes you have to be the one to help put limits around it. Most people don't demand apologies. It is one thing to express hurt and ask for an explanation it is another to blame and make demands for an apology. True apologies are given when the heart is touched and moved.

Greetings to all of you from the author of this post!

I think what I've tried to get at here is how, in a conflict, I always think I'm right and the other person's wrong. That is the essence of conflict. In reality, if I search my heart and genuinely seek reconciliation, I generally find that I, too, was at fault.

I use Lulu's demand for an apology on my part--which, as I said in my post, is admittedly not the best way to go about reconciling--as an opportunity to explore my own heart and discover there what meanness might have been functional in the conflict. Invariably, I find plenty. Apologizing for it is humbling but also freeing. It invites reconciliation.

Some of you want to persuade me that I am a bad parent. I assure you, I don't need persuaded. My only solace, as a friend once comforted me, is the knowledge that God chose me and my husband for my girls. He thought we would do okay.

That said, I want to say here that I think it's important to remember that parents do not have the corner on rightness in conflict. Yes, Lulu's wrong to demand I apologize, and I may be wrong in agreeing to her terms for reconciliation. But, even when I am certain she's the one at fault, even when it seems to me that she has invented the offense she wants me to apologize for, I always find out that I too erred. If I'm honest, I knew it all along.

I didn't mean this post to be about my bad parenting but about apologizing as a means of reconciling a conflict. In conflicts with peers, I am likely to be even more certain than I am with Lulu that I am right and they are wrong. And I am far less likely to get to a place where I can recognize my own contribution to the conflict. My own error. Often in such conflicts, neither party apologizes--not me, not the other person. Rather, we both continue to stew until the bad feelings disappear into some hidden place in us both, or else we pretend to ourselves that we've forgiven the other person, whatever that means in the absence of repentance--in which case the bad feelings end up in the same place. Rarely do we really reconcile and begin afresh. And often, in the wake of such a conflict, rather than going to sleep in the knowledge that I love and am loved--as I do with Lulu--I wake in the night and worry.

In my post, I wanted to take my reconciliation strategy with Lulu into the world of peer conflict in hopes of being able to gain insight into my own offense in a conflict and to work toward meaningful repentance and, hopefully, reconciliation. Learning to apologize is how to get there, I think.

patty

I wish to get ur story or aticles regularly.i luv it but i bont knw how 2 develop in it. keep it up n God bless u all. amen

I appreciate your self-searching and honesty, Patty. I am a little alarmed that you don't think it's time to start teaching your Lulu about your side of the conflict and what you're learning. She's not going to be under your influence much longer, believe it or not.

There are many excellent books written for children about relationships, and I imagine there are similar resources for teens and/or parents to help you know how to approach the subject in a healthy way for both of you. Please pray about this and see if God doesn't send or point out some helpful materials or counsel. This is a long-standing situation and will take a long-term commitment to defuse or normalize.

I'll be praying for you. No parent is perfect and no child is, either. God gave you this child and you are doing the best you know how. It's a good thing he doesn't give us anything to do alone.

No parent is perfect, however we do try to live a hoy life.

What a blessing that you transparently show all sides of your parenting skills. If we wouldn't all succumb to our earthly emotions at any given time and under a particular circumstance, then the scriptures wouldn't have to give us the guide lines of what to do and what not to do in all aspects.

I am truly blesed by your honesty. Thank you.

Humility versus arrogance fosters understanding, forgiveness and thus acceptance.

God bless you

Dr. Trudy

Hi Patty, Thank you for your vulnerability. I'm sorry one of the responses was so harsh. I would like to invite readers over to my blog to read a post on forgiveness - here I share two stories of forgiveness where the only real player was God. Forgiveness, or even the desire to want to forgive, comes from God. We can only go along in obedience or not.
www.RumorsOfGlory.net/blog - the post on April 20th is called "Set Free"

simply put: you are teaching Lulu that she can be self-righteous and abusive to you.
If you behaved well, you don't apologize.
If Lulu was wrong, she is the one who needs to apologize.
For you to apologize when Lulu is wrong is NOT reconciliation, it is capitulation. That will not help Lulu, in any way.
Help yourself and learn about "tough love" and then learn to be assertive. Lulu does not have the right to about you, unless you give it to her.
I fear for Lulu's future husband and children.

Simply: If this were someone other than Lulu, would you still behave the same?
I hope not.

Some of your thoughts seemed strong as far as describing your daughter. I think as parents we need to model forgiveness and making apologies unconditionally, so it is not so foreign to those whom we are influencing. A great book on the topic, highly relevant and useful is "The 5 Languages of Apology" by Gary Chapman. It's helps us understand how others view styles of apologies.

Patty
I know that you want reconciliation with your daughter but she must know when she is wrong,and she must not demand an apology. If you let her continue like this, when she is married, will she use this approach with her husband? I hope not, because if he is not willing to accept this type of behaviour, then how will they make it? Think on this. She needs to know now that parents do err and when they do, they apology. But when she is wrong, she must accept responsiblity and settle by apologizing.

I do agree with Ariene, Lulu's faults should be pointed out to her and she must be taught to apologise. Teenagers have a way of manipulating thier parents. They sometimes have blind spots about their own errors-it is always the fault of the other person.
A gentle confrontation with the Scriptures should do the work.

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