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Losing first loves in the blogosphere.

I've been blogging since 2002. That doesn't make this the oldest blog around, but it's not too bad.

And about every two years I reconsidered blogging and then I would postulate on my blog that perhaps it was time to close up shop. Then I would get a bunch of emails from readers, family and friends saying I should do what I think best but asking me to please not stop. So I would gather up myself and decide to continue, and then I would come up with some awful, wordy post about all the grand changes I'd be making only to abandon that plan in about two weeks.

Typical Julie.

Why did I do it? Why did I want to quit in the first place?

On a surface level, I've never gotten used to people I don't really know coming up to me and talking to me like I was a close friend when they only know me "on paper" and not through personal communication or real life. It can be unnerving to realize people know more about me than I about them when, during a conversation, I discover they read my blog. And of course, it's always a bad corner that's been turned when people nervously laugh and say something along the lines of "you won't put that on your blog, now, will you?"

I'm not sure what to think. I'm just an average Joe like the next average Joe, putting some writing online. I often wonder what it does when you only get to know someone through a blog and then form all kinds of ideas about them. I am much different in person; I say stupid things, am incredibly immature and short-tempered, have an annoying laugh and trip over my feet a lot. I'm really much better on paper because I can think about what I'm going to say instead of just blurting some inanity. But..."I read your blog, Julie, and I think it's great! I just have to meet the person who writes those things!"

I can only imagine the let down. That whole bizarre thing about meeting people who read this blog makes it tempting to close up shop. But what bothered me the most was the way I began to observe life instead of being in the moment.

It's a strange thing to go through a day and think, while something is happening or while something is heard, that "I have to remember this for my blog." It turns me, at least, into a perpetual observer, always remembering what people did and what they said so I can write about it later, either on one of my blogs or in my personal journals; perhaps I've always been an observer and having a blog is the perfect fit. I don't know. Sometimes, in a fit of childishness, I resent the assumption that I can be counted on to observe. But if that's my job, to be the storyteller -- I need to figure that out, I guess, and a blog's as good a place as any to do it.

Those of you who suffered -- and I do mean suffered -- through the early formats of this blog may remember when it was political and current event orientated.

It was awful.

I linked and fisked and rehashed what was happening at the time. I joined the amen choruses, the shouting brigades, the comment screechers, and linked to prove my side was right with the best of them. I ignored the importance of what was going on all around me, the small things that make up the real news, and focused on the divisive hot topics of the moment that about 400 other bloggers were already talking about and doing a much better job.

How silly.

That really sucks the life out of a person, writing about what creates anger, constantly regurgitating some other news or blog article and throwing out opinions on already old news. The fact that what passes for news is so small and that it is only made larger by thousands of opinions piled onto it did not escape my notice.

I changed this blog before it changed me. I decided I'd had enough of that.

In the fall of 2005, I stopped blogging for over a month, watched my hits drop, deleted the old blog, and started over.

My blog hits grew back slowly and have steadily increased to be higher than they were. It's taken me years and it's laughable compared to poli-blogs, but readership has grown.

I started telling the stories around me, of life, of nature, of things I observed and wondered about. I wrote about what made me laugh and cry and bristle and embarrassed. I decided the world could do with more funny moments and if I was lucky enough to have experienced one and could figure out a way to put it in writing to make people laugh, then I should do that.

I wanted to talk about the complexities of serving Jesus Christ, about life, about North Dakota, about living in a rural area, about things my readers might not know, about weirdness and insanity and old diary entries and curiosities and philosophies and books and anything but politics and what was hot in the moment and dead in an instant.

If I was going to get angry and spew it from this blog, it was going to be about something small. And if a topic made me angry, I vowed to try to cover it in a way that brought the tone down and ended without anger but with something the reader could take and use.

I'm not always successful, but that is my continued effort here on this blog.

If you want to be a big-name blogger with lots of hits and media attention, you cover politics and current events and willingly enter into every word fray that flames up on the Internet.

I don't want to be a big-name blogger, then.

I want to put something original out there, something that a reader might take with them and think about, instead of more opinionated rehash. I want to learn to write better, to challenge myself, and not just link and deconstruct. It's no longer enough to just get an opinion out there because every idiot has an opinion and about 90 percent of them have a blog. Every idiot has an opinion, but not every person takes the time to translate what is observed before shouting out an opinion. I want to help with the observation.

I am still trying to hit that goal of original content that speaks life instead of anger. I suffer from less blog burnout, though there are creative dry spells. My writing is slowly improving. My own opinions and views are changing because I'm not just busy looking for like-minded links to build my case.

I don't want to quit blogging based on surface irritations, or personal selfishness. I really believe that the poet has the power, and I want to do my part as best I can which, for now, includes blogging.

Why this post, now?

Because yes, LaShawn, I know what you are talking about.

Hat Tip: Northern Gleaner.