Excellent post! God blessing to you and your lovely fiancee as your wedding day approaches. If someone wants to send you a wedding gift, where are you registered?
Good post, Brad. I've been in pastoral ministry for 9 years now but only married for 4. (The latter 4!) Thus, I spent 5 years as a single pastor in charge of adult discipleship in a church just shy of 1,000. So it can be done.
But, since we so often give advice to single people, I'd like to reverse the trend and give advice to married people. Upon getting married, a very strange thing happened in my church. Suddenly, our of nowhere, I started getting dinner invitations and personal invites to hang out with other couples. Despite having pastored for 5 years in the same church, it seemed that getting married was the "golden ticket" to the social club. I was sorely disappointed.
So my wife and I committed to change the trend. We regularly seek out singles to talk to and invite out. This past Sunday we took a single guy out to lunch, hung out over coffee afterwards... and then went grocery shopping together where my wife gave him great pointers on cooking as a single guy.
So, here's the advice married people. Please don't wait until someone gets married before inviting them to your dinner parties and movie nights. Remember your single days and don't treat the singles as lepers. And when you hang out with them, refuse the incredible urge to give advice or talk about relationships. Just be friends.
Good word! Like you, I married late (but well, thank God!). I got around the problem of friends by starting a small group for singles. Couples in the group formed, and I ended up marrying quite a few of them. It wasn't always easy being the "third wheel," but I got used to it. After marriage, however, I did find myself tending to hang out with married couples more than my remaining single friends. I'll take your good advice and example to heart in my ministry here.
Great post Brad!! I really appreciated your honesty! And I've appreciated the example you've been for so many single ministers out there...this one included!
Such a great and helpful post, although the news isn't all bad. Like Brad said, since I'm in a church plant, they're thankful for any kind of working body!!
Both Brad and Lane touch on things that have been hard as a single pastor--but like George said, if you can get over being the third wheel, this is such a good season of work and friendship in ministry.
Thanks for the post Brad. I would like to know if you thought that it is "easier" to start your own work and "be in charge" being single, than to work for someone else. I am a single guy in his late 20's and have found that when I initiate a work that I have a much better response than when I work for others. Maybe its just my experience, but I was just wondering what you thought. Thank you guys for all you do.
Lane, I appreciate your advice. I think generational diversity within a church is healthy. When it's present you'll have people from various life stages. It's good for all of us to "cross the street" and share life with people who are experiencing different stages of it.
Beaty, I think you've asked a good question. There are certainly challenges unique to being single in the lead role. When we first started our church, all four of us on the leadership team were single. Consequently, we had a really tough time assimilating young married couples. For better or worse, a percentage of people who are visiting a church seem to evaluate whether or not they relate with the lead pastor. For us, it took a few "pioneer families" who decided to let their marriages and kids be the first.
I used to laugh because at one of the church planting bootcamps I attended the presenter argued that the church would usually take on the personality of the pastor's spouse. I was worried that our church would have no personality:)
Another challenge in the lead role is the ocassional need to confront and correct. Some older, married couples never brought up my age until I needed to correct something. I felt like those tough leadership moments brought more emphasis to my youth and singleness.
I'd be curious to know what you and other single ministers would list as the unique challenges to serving in support roles. Since I planted our church right out of college I haven't experienced that side of it.
I also think that there are general challenges singles face in both lead and support roles (loneliness, interaction with the opposite sex, etc).
Friday is my day off, and I often struggled with what to do! Most of my friends with marketplace jobs were working, and most of my friends with ministry jobs spent their day off with their wives and kids. So alot of weeks I'd just end up working as well.
But I've come to learn that the Sabbath is just as important for singles!
I think the general challenges you have outlined are very true. Loneliness was, for me, and huge issue. But I also think that there are some specific challenges depending on the ministry you are involved in while single. When I was a youth pastor, I heard the concerns that I would end up dating one of the girls in the youth group, and how inappropriate that was. I agree that dating someone in your youth ministry is most-often irresponsible. They were also very concerned with my decision making ability since, in their minds, I had no one to bounce my ideas off of, even though I always had an extensive sponsor program. I admit that it was extremely difficult counseling with teenage girls, and I had to go out of my way to include my pastor's wife or another female sponsor whenever I counseled a girl. My time was very often taken advantage of because I had no family life to tend to. It was nothing for my pastor or my church people to expect me to do things that I had no business doing or being a part of because in their minds, "He doesn't have a family, let him do it." And that's not an assumption, I have heard that said.
I also have heard on more than one occasion that hiring a couple is better because you get two for the price of one. This is absolutely absurd. Especially considering the number of ministers out there whose spouses want nothing to do with the ministry. I know a number of young, married ministers who their spouses do nothing with their area of ministry other than go with them to youth convention, or drop them off and pick them up from camp.
When I was a children's pastor I faced a different set of circumstances. It was amazing that even though I was children's pastor in my HOME CHURCH the number of people who were concerned there was something wrong with me because I was a single male and wanted to be in children's ministry. Nevermind the fact that my family was a foster family and I had effectively been in children's ministry my entire life. I also had several parents tell me to my face that I was the wrong choice to be a children's pastor because I had no children of my own. In there eyes I was unfit to minister to kids because I was not a father. Thats the same mentality as those who don't want you to do their marriage counseling because you are not married. Times like those were very difficult, and again being single, who do you have to pour your heart out too.
I have been turned down for church positions because I was single.
Today I hold a leadership position at AG HQ and I still fight the same battles, not with the people in Springfield, but with the people in the field. More people than I could count were amazed at who I was and the position I hold when I met them at General Council. Over and over I heard, "Now how old are you? Are you married?"
None of what I have said on here is an assumption of motives, but a report of actual activities and conversations. And its not that I don't want to get married, the "want to" has never been the problem. Ultimately until now, I don't think that I was ready, and I have been very purposeful in keeping this dating thing before the Lord, following His leading, listening to His voice. Not that I prescribe to this Calvinist, God chooses my salvation and my spouse, I kissed dating goodbye garbage. But that God will be as involved in my dating and marriage process as I will allow Him to be.
January 3, 2008 2:49 PM
Nathan said...
This is an excellent post. There are definitely some advantages and disadvantages to being a single minister just like there are some advantages and disadvantages to being a married minister. I am engaged and am in my first ministry position as a youth pastor in Ohio. Because my fiance is still living in Missouri I have experienced a little bit of what it is like to be a single minister. The church here has fully accepted me and I have received many invitations for dinner. However, I have experienced the opposite during the application process I saw that many churches wanted a youth pastor that was specifically married. It was a qualification or something. I truly believe God can use single minister as much as he can use married ministers. It is all about finding the right church or ministry where God can use you. Excellent post.
I so appreciated your post and can identify with it as a single missionary.
True story: I attended a church for 2 yrs, sat in the same area every week... A male friend came with me one Sunday, immediately people that sat all around me every week began to talk to me as if I was suddenly visible (asking if we were new!). The following week I was invisible again.
I later moved and thankfully the new church "saw" me from the very beginning. I am a part of many families in that congregation and they now serve as a very strong missions support network.
I've been single for 6 1/2 years now, purposefully single for about 5 1/2 of that. The only life as a minister I know is as a single guy. My last girlfriend was in high school in 2001, started leading a cell in 2003, and started planting the Chi Alpha ministry in 2006 which I still run. God blessed me with a female friend who was already at the school who understood the Chi Alpha structure as well as leadership, so I didn't have to raise her up.
At one point in the ministry, she was the only one coming and wasn't bringing anyone else, so our so-called women's ministry was basically just me keeping her coming by any means necessary if I had any hope of having women involved in the ministry down the road.
But like I said, I have no clue (from personal experience) how ministry as a couple will work, but I'm sure it will be a blast. God has already promised me this is my season.
January 10, 2008 8:03 PM
Anonymous said...
Brad,
I've been reading futureag for some time now, I love your points of view. Blessings on your marriage, glad to hear that you were successful "despit" your singleness.
By the way, this is Aaron Jackson, from Bethany! I'm a Foursquare Worship & Student Ministries Pastor at Lifebridge Church in Fort Wayne. Look me up sometime, buddy!
Aaron
Amen. Somehow calling, gifting and anointing became synonymous with the term married. We became more spiritually aware once married verse single, or that single is second best. Whether an unmarried single a divorced single or a widowed single – we are here and we are becoming the lions share of the demographics of the fellowship. Isn’t about time we also figure out how do to Single’s Ministry better!?
By the way I'm sad to see so few comments on this post. It only supports that as a fellowship we really don't know what to do with the 'single' issue.
January 23, 2008 1:10 PM
It’s confession time. With my wedding coming up in just seventeen days, I’m having a difficult time focusing on the future of the AG. But since the New Year tends to inspire reflection, I thought I’d process some personal thoughts from my journey of being single in ministry.
I can appreciate the discouragement that some single ministers have felt. Just last month I had a conversation with one senior pastor who was recovering from a bad experience with a single associate. As a result, he informed me that he would no longer be hiring anyone who is single.
When I began the process of planting a church as a twenty-one year old bachelor, experienced ministers warned me that I might be making a mistake. While the advice they gave was usually true, it was also occasionally motivated by some false assumptions regarding singleness.
So let’s clear the air. For starters, singleness is not a disease! Neither does it indicate that someone is socially awkward or living in sexual sin. And my personal favorite—being single is not directly linked to homosexuality. Yep, I got that one a couple times!
The question that usually prompted me to think the most was this one. “How will you counsel married couples in your church who are experiencing difficulty?†Fortunately, counseling does not depend on personal experience. If it did we’d have to start encouraging AG pastors to experiment with crack! While it may make some of us more interesting, I doubt it would improve our ability to counsel drug addicts. In place of personal experience, I’ve found it helpful to depend on the Bible and other married couples on my leadership team.
I’ve also found Jesus to be a good person to think of when faced with some of these misperceptions. As a pastor I personally hesitate to establish any hiring restrictions that would eliminate Jesus from qualifying for a job at our church.
Having said that, let me mention what I think deserves the most attention. Singleness can be extremely advantageous. In fact, if you’re single right now and involved in ministry, I’d encourage you to embrace this season and maximize every opportunity that you can.
Here are some suggestions that most married couples will tell you only get more difficult if you're no longer single.Go on a Mission’s TripSave MoneyGo Back to CollegeStart SeminaryPay Down DebtHang With the GuysAnd my personal favorite for those of you who are frustrated by limited ministry positions—plant a church or join a church planting team. I guarantee you that 99.9% of church planters do not care that you are single!
Most of all, enjoy the opportunity to pour your life into ministry. The greatest advantage for me during more than six years of singleness has been the freedom to give radical amounts of time and energy to church planting in Metro Detroit. Paul was on to something when he commended singleness in 1 Corinthians 7.
Don’t just sit back waiting for life to start…
Be single like Jesus.
Make His work your priority. Enjoy the saints and sinners around you. Care for the sick and the poor. And seize this season in your life!
Mowser
"Single Like Jesus"
17 Comments -
Brad:
Excellent post! God blessing to you and your lovely fiancee as your wedding day approaches. If someone wants to send you a wedding gift, where are you registered?
George
January 2, 2008 3:31 PM
Thanks George! We're registered at Bed Bath and Beyond (which I've discovered sells more than various kinds of pillows) and Target.
Prayers are huge.
January 2, 2008 3:51 PM
Good post, Brad. I've been in pastoral ministry for 9 years now but only married for 4. (The latter 4!) Thus, I spent 5 years as a single pastor in charge of adult discipleship in a church just shy of 1,000. So it can be done.
But, since we so often give advice to single people, I'd like to reverse the trend and give advice to married people. Upon getting married, a very strange thing happened in my church. Suddenly, our of nowhere, I started getting dinner invitations and personal invites to hang out with other couples. Despite having pastored for 5 years in the same church, it seemed that getting married was the "golden ticket" to the social club. I was sorely disappointed.
So my wife and I committed to change the trend. We regularly seek out singles to talk to and invite out. This past Sunday we took a single guy out to lunch, hung out over coffee afterwards... and then went grocery shopping together where my wife gave him great pointers on cooking as a single guy.
So, here's the advice married people. Please don't wait until someone gets married before inviting them to your dinner parties and movie nights. Remember your single days and don't treat the singles as lepers. And when you hang out with them, refuse the incredible urge to give advice or talk about relationships. Just be friends.
Lane
January 2, 2008 6:37 PM
Lane:
Good word! Like you, I married late (but well, thank God!). I got around the problem of friends by starting a small group for singles. Couples in the group formed, and I ended up marrying quite a few of them. It wasn't always easy being the "third wheel," but I got used to it. After marriage, however, I did find myself tending to hang out with married couples more than my remaining single friends. I'll take your good advice and example to heart in my ministry here.
George
January 2, 2008 7:00 PM
Great post Brad!! I really appreciated your honesty! And I've appreciated the example you've been for so many single ministers out there...this one included!
January 2, 2008 8:46 PM
Such a great and helpful post, although the news isn't all bad. Like Brad said, since I'm in a church plant, they're thankful for any kind of working body!!
Both Brad and Lane touch on things that have been hard as a single pastor--but like George said, if you can get over being the third wheel, this is such a good season of work and friendship in ministry.
January 2, 2008 9:22 PM
This post has been removed by the author.
January 3, 2008 6:42 AM
Thanks for the post Brad. I would like to know if you thought that it is "easier" to start your own work and "be in charge" being single, than to work for someone else. I am a single guy in his late 20's and have found that when I initiate a work that I have a much better response than when I work for others. Maybe its just my experience, but I was just wondering what you thought. Thank you guys for all you do.
January 3, 2008 6:43 AM
Lane, I appreciate your advice. I think generational diversity within a church is healthy. When it's present you'll have people from various life stages. It's good for all of us to "cross the street" and share life with people who are experiencing different stages of it.
January 3, 2008 7:59 AM
Beaty, I think you've asked a good question. There are certainly challenges unique to being single in the lead role. When we first started our church, all four of us on the leadership team were single. Consequently, we had a really tough time assimilating young married couples. For better or worse, a percentage of people who are visiting a church seem to evaluate whether or not they relate with the lead pastor. For us, it took a few "pioneer families" who decided to let their marriages and kids be the first.
I used to laugh because at one of the church planting bootcamps I attended the presenter argued that the church would usually take on the personality of the pastor's spouse. I was worried that our church would have no personality:)
Another challenge in the lead role is the ocassional need to confront and correct. Some older, married couples never brought up my age until I needed to correct something. I felt like those tough leadership moments brought more emphasis to my youth and singleness.
I'd be curious to know what you and other single ministers would list as the unique challenges to serving in support roles. Since I planted our church right out of college I haven't experienced that side of it.
I also think that there are general challenges singles face in both lead and support roles (loneliness, interaction with the opposite sex, etc).
Friday is my day off, and I often struggled with what to do! Most of my friends with marketplace jobs were working, and most of my friends with ministry jobs spent their day off with their wives and kids. So alot of weeks I'd just end up working as well.
But I've come to learn that the Sabbath is just as important for singles!
January 3, 2008 8:20 AM
I think the general challenges you have outlined are very true. Loneliness was, for me, and huge issue. But I also think that there are some specific challenges depending on the ministry you are involved in while single. When I was a youth pastor, I heard the concerns that I would end up dating one of the girls in the youth group, and how inappropriate that was. I agree that dating someone in your youth ministry is most-often irresponsible. They were also very concerned with my decision making ability since, in their minds, I had no one to bounce my ideas off of, even though I always had an extensive sponsor program. I admit that it was extremely difficult counseling with teenage girls, and I had to go out of my way to include my pastor's wife or another female sponsor whenever I counseled a girl. My time was very often taken advantage of because I had no family life to tend to. It was nothing for my pastor or my church people to expect me to do things that I had no business doing or being a part of because in their minds, "He doesn't have a family, let him do it." And that's not an assumption, I have heard that said.
I also have heard on more than one occasion that hiring a couple is better because you get two for the price of one. This is absolutely absurd. Especially considering the number of ministers out there whose spouses want nothing to do with the ministry. I know a number of young, married ministers who their spouses do nothing with their area of ministry other than go with them to youth convention, or drop them off and pick them up from camp.
When I was a children's pastor I faced a different set of circumstances. It was amazing that even though I was children's pastor in my HOME CHURCH the number of people who were concerned there was something wrong with me because I was a single male and wanted to be in children's ministry. Nevermind the fact that my family was a foster family and I had effectively been in children's ministry my entire life. I also had several parents tell me to my face that I was the wrong choice to be a children's pastor because I had no children of my own. In there eyes I was unfit to minister to kids because I was not a father. Thats the same mentality as those who don't want you to do their marriage counseling because you are not married. Times like those were very difficult, and again being single, who do you have to pour your heart out too.
I have been turned down for church positions because I was single.
Today I hold a leadership position at AG HQ and I still fight the same battles, not with the people in Springfield, but with the people in the field. More people than I could count were amazed at who I was and the position I hold when I met them at General Council. Over and over I heard, "Now how old are you? Are you married?"
None of what I have said on here is an assumption of motives, but a report of actual activities and conversations. And its not that I don't want to get married, the "want to" has never been the problem. Ultimately until now, I don't think that I was ready, and I have been very purposeful in keeping this dating thing before the Lord, following His leading, listening to His voice. Not that I prescribe to this Calvinist, God chooses my salvation and my spouse, I kissed dating goodbye garbage. But that God will be as involved in my dating and marriage process as I will allow Him to be.
January 3, 2008 2:49 PM
This is an excellent post. There are definitely some advantages and disadvantages to being a single minister just like there are some advantages and disadvantages to being a married minister. I am engaged and am in my first ministry position as a youth pastor in Ohio. Because my fiance is still living in Missouri I have experienced a little bit of what it is like to be a single minister. The church here has fully accepted me and I have received many invitations for dinner. However, I have experienced the opposite during the application process I saw that many churches wanted a youth pastor that was specifically married. It was a qualification or something. I truly believe God can use single minister as much as he can use married ministers. It is all about finding the right church or ministry where God can use you. Excellent post.
January 4, 2008 12:22 PM
I so appreciated your post and can identify with it as a single missionary.
True story: I attended a church for 2 yrs, sat in the same area every week... A male friend came with me one Sunday, immediately people that sat all around me every week began to talk to me as if I was suddenly visible (asking if we were new!). The following week I was invisible again.
I later moved and thankfully the new church "saw" me from the very beginning. I am a part of many families in that congregation and they now serve as a very strong missions support network.
January 8, 2008 6:42 AM
I've been single for 6 1/2 years now, purposefully single for about 5 1/2 of that. The only life as a minister I know is as a single guy. My last girlfriend was in high school in 2001, started leading a cell in 2003, and started planting the Chi Alpha ministry in 2006 which I still run. God blessed me with a female friend who was already at the school who understood the Chi Alpha structure as well as leadership, so I didn't have to raise her up.
At one point in the ministry, she was the only one coming and wasn't bringing anyone else, so our so-called women's ministry was basically just me keeping her coming by any means necessary if I had any hope of having women involved in the ministry down the road.
But like I said, I have no clue (from personal experience) how ministry as a couple will work, but I'm sure it will be a blast. God has already promised me this is my season.
January 10, 2008 8:03 PM
Brad,
I've been reading futureag for some time now, I love your points of view. Blessings on your marriage, glad to hear that you were successful "despit" your singleness.
By the way, this is Aaron Jackson, from Bethany! I'm a Foursquare Worship & Student Ministries Pastor at Lifebridge Church in Fort Wayne. Look me up sometime, buddy!
Aaron
January 22, 2008 8:32 PM
Amen. Somehow calling, gifting and anointing became synonymous with the term married. We became more spiritually aware once married verse single, or that single is second best. Whether an unmarried single a divorced single or a widowed single – we are here and we are becoming the lions share of the demographics of the fellowship. Isn’t about time we also figure out how do to Single’s Ministry better!?
January 23, 2008 1:06 PM
By the way I'm sad to see so few comments on this post. It only supports that as a fellowship we really don't know what to do with the 'single' issue.
January 23, 2008 1:10 PM
I can appreciate the discouragement that some single ministers have felt. Just last month I had a conversation with one senior pastor who was recovering from a bad experience with a single associate. As a result, he informed me that he would no longer be hiring anyone who is single.
When I began the process of planting a church as a twenty-one year old bachelor, experienced ministers warned me that I might be making a mistake. While the advice they gave was usually true, it was also occasionally motivated by some false assumptions regarding singleness.
So let’s clear the air. For starters, singleness is not a disease! Neither does it indicate that someone is socially awkward or living in sexual sin. And my personal favorite—being single is not directly linked to homosexuality. Yep, I got that one a couple times!
The question that usually prompted me to think the most was this one. “How will you counsel married couples in your church who are experiencing difficulty?†Fortunately, counseling does not depend on personal experience. If it did we’d have to start encouraging AG pastors to experiment with crack! While it may make some of us more interesting, I doubt it would improve our ability to counsel drug addicts. In place of personal experience, I’ve found it helpful to depend on the Bible and other married couples on my leadership team.
I’ve also found Jesus to be a good person to think of when faced with some of these misperceptions. As a pastor I personally hesitate to establish any hiring restrictions that would eliminate Jesus from qualifying for a job at our church.
Having said that, let me mention what I think deserves the most attention. Singleness can be extremely advantageous. In fact, if you’re single right now and involved in ministry, I’d encourage you to embrace this season and maximize every opportunity that you can.
Here are some suggestions that most married couples will tell you only get more difficult if you're no longer single.Go on a Mission’s TripSave MoneyGo Back to CollegeStart SeminaryPay Down DebtHang With the GuysAnd my personal favorite for those of you who are frustrated by limited ministry positions—plant a church or join a church planting team. I guarantee you that 99.9% of church planters do not care that you are single!
Most of all, enjoy the opportunity to pour your life into ministry. The greatest advantage for me during more than six years of singleness has been the freedom to give radical amounts of time and energy to church planting in Metro Detroit. Paul was on to something when he commended singleness in 1 Corinthians 7.
Don’t just sit back waiting for life to start…
Be single like Jesus.
Make His work your priority. Enjoy the saints and sinners around you. Care for the sick and the poor. And seize this season in your life!
posted by Brad Leach at 1:56 PM on Jan 2, 2008