I used to be a workaholic, but then I had a baby. I am desperately trying to juggle all of the separate factions of my life. I’m working harder than I ever have before, and I still feel like the biggest slacker in the universe. It’s a “too many irons in the fire” syndrome. I’m doing a lot of things, but I don’t feel like I’m doing any of them particularly well (the best I can, of course, but never quite good enough).
I only get to see my son for an average of 3 hours a day. I leave for work before he wakes up. I don’t get to pick him up until 4:30, and he goes to bed at 8. I make the most of the time I have with him, but I never feel like it’s enough. I feel like I’m missing out on major things. I didn’t know he could do the hand motions to “Itsy-Bitsy Spider” until I saw him do it by chance a few days ago. I reinforce what he does at day care,but someone else is teaching him. I rationalize by reminding myself there are millions of children in daycare all over the world, that we have chose carefully, that my husband works in the same building, and that he is a bright, independent little boy who seems to be thriving (as far as I can tell) in that environment. I still feel guilty.
I don’t put the prep work into my lessons that I used to. I love my job and I truly believe that my students deserve the best education I can offer them, which requires a lot of preparation. I have to consider various intelligence levels, learning styles, interests, and language abilities. I have to grade one quiz and one test a week for 120 students (and I teach Literature, so it’s not like they’re multiple choice), call the parents of those who are failing, meet with those who have behavioral issues, and do whatever my principal asks (which included planning the prom, explaining PSSA and SAT questions, and creating and grading the Senior Projects).  An hour and a half a day is simply not enough time. I used to work from home, but by the time the baby’s in bed and the house has been tidied, I’m exhausted and can’t quite come up with a new and exciting project about Chaucer. I “stole” one from the Internet and adapted it to my students to the best of my ability to my students and felt incredibly guilty.
I juggle playing with the baby and tiding the house until my husband gets home , but I never feel like I get enough done. I can fold some laundry, do some dishes, vacuum the livingroom, or make dinner, but I can’t do them all in an hour or two and watch the baby. I use Sesame Street more than I should. Domestication is not my strong suit, and my working hours have added to the struggle. A little boy adds to the mess and the distraction (and the exhaustion) . I do what I can and feel guilty about not getting to the rest.
I write when I need an outlet. Unfortunately, I’ve only found the time once a week or so since school started, but I plan on taking a little more time for myself during the summer. I’ve been a little self-centered. I haven’t given enough attention to the war in Iraq, gas prices, and the war. I’ve stuck to what’s easy - opinions on religion, philosophy, and science. I feel like I’ve gotten rusty and complacent. I’ve been slacking. I should sleep less, drink more coffee, and write more (after my son is in bed, the housework is done, I’ve finished my lesson planning for the year, and I’ve had an actual conversation with my husband).