Fringe is Chicken Soup for Your Sci-fi Soul October 12, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in Fringe, Reviews, The X-Files.Tags: television
add a comment
Â
Â
The recipe for Fringe is familiar but comforting. First you take an FBI agent, a mad scientist, and a sardonic sidekick. Put them together in an old laboratory at Harvard, and have them solve various paranormal mysteries which are somehow connected into a larger phenomenon referred to by people in the know as “the pattern”. Their progress is sometimes helped and sometimes impeded by a shadowy megacorporation called Massive Dynamic that seems to already have some of the answers our team is searching for.
Walter Bishop, the eccentric scientist, was sprung from a mental institution by agent Olivia Dunham to aid in an investigation. In addition to working in his lab late at night, he also plays piano and hangs out with a cow and a bald guy who resembles Gary Numan. OK, you got me, he only did that once. Walter reminds me of a certain ex-boss of mine, except that the Fringe character is crazy in an endearing way instead of a mean and psychotic way. Walter’s son, the wisecracking Peter Bishop, acts as his father’s guardian and interpreter, which is a useful skill when the scientist rambles on incoherently about various subjects. Peter is played by Joshua Jackson who you remember from Dawson’s Creek. (Insert your own Katie Holmes joke here. Scientology is a perfectly valid and acceptable lifestyle choice, so don’t come looking for me, guys.)
FBI agent Olivia Dunham plays the straight lady to the Bishops’ father and son comedy routine. She was enticed into the realm of the paranormal after a mysterious disease put her boyfriend into a coma and gave him the complexion of an overripe banana. Dunham was consequently encouraged by her FBI boss to form as ongoing investigative team. I detect a potential love interest between her and Peter. There is some definite Scully-Mulder chemistry going on there.
Another similarity to the Files is that Fringe gets a little gory at times and makes you squirm around in your chair. The second episode was a particularly merciless assault on the squeamish among us. Let’s just say it dealt with the subject of pregnancy gone wrong, and it just got worse from there. I had taped the show on my VCR, and I felt compelled to stop the tape during one scene and fast forward through it. I’ve never been a fan of human suffering, or any other kind for that matter. Seems like one of the writers from the first season of Millennium might have taken over the show for what will hopefully be just one episode.
In spite of Fringe’s cringe factor, the show’s positives vastly outweigh its negatives. In addition to being intelligently written, humorous, and thought provoking, it has the one element necessary for a TV show’s survival: realistic, likable characters. In short, Fringe gets it right, and will hopefully elude the fate of other recent attempts at shows about paranormal investigators, such as the short lived Freaky Links, Miracles, and the blasphemous, unnecessary remake of The Night Stalker.
Stay Tuned for Another Brilliant Post September 25, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in General, Procrastination, snacks.Tags: David Blaine, television
add a comment
Â
Â
We bloggers are told by experts that our readership will dry up and blow away if we don’t post on a regular basis. With that in mind, I suppose it’s time for the obligatory post about why I’m not posting very often.
My meager output is not due to a lack of inspiration or ideas. No, no, no. I currently have a backlog of about ten ideas for future posts. The new TV season just started, and there are some great shows on. In fact, almost too many to keep up with. Of course, I don’t plan to write about every one of them. I hope nobody out there actually relies on my blog as a source of timely information about television. Although I do resort to the occasional review of a TV show, my purpose here is to entertain, not to inform. I have really loved writing this blog so far, and I would like to thank all the readers who have visited and left comments. As soon as I get some items of personal business taken care of I’ll be back in full force, blogging like never before. I expect you all to return on a regular basis, whether I have something new up or not, damnit! Don’t make me come looking for you!
Now, if you don’t mind, I need to go watch David Blaine: Dive of Death, which of course, also requires me to make some pancakes.
Mama Don’t Take My Robot Girl Away September 14, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in Reviews, Terminator: tSCC.Tags: Sarah Connor, Summer Glau, television, Terminator
2 comments
Â
Â
So what if she tried to kill us and set our house on fire? It’s probably just a bad transistor. I’ll fix her. I know I can!
That was the plot of the 2nd season premiere episode of Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles on the Fox network. T:tSSC is a continuation of the events after the second Terminator movie (or T2, as it was fondly known to every man, woman, and child in 1991). It tells the story of evil time traveling robots (called “terminators”) from the future who are hunting Sarah Connor and her teenage son John. They are doing this to prevent John from fulfilling his destiny as the leader of the resistance moment against the evil robots in the future. The leader of these marauding tinkertoys is a highly advanced computer program known as “Skynet”, which is rumored in certain silicon valley coffee houses to be a future edition of Windows (Bill Gates was unavailable for comment). The ultimate goal of Skynet is, what else, the destruction of the human race. I’m scared!
The resistance movement, being no slouches themselves, have sent agents of their own back in time to assist our protagonists in their struggle. This includes a benevolent terminatress named Cameron (aka the robot girl, portrayed by the alluring Summer Glau) who is committed to protecting Sarah and John at all costs. She is super strong, rust resistant, and says cute things like, “I am not programmed to feel emotion” and “Sometimes you seem inefficient.”
The final episode of season 1 ended with Cameron caught in an exploding SUV, which caused many of us to be concerned with her safety as we awaited the show’s new season. In the premiere episode for season 2, she emerged slightly damaged from the wreckage but seemed to still be in possession of her robot senses. The only problem was that something had gone wrong with her software and suddenly she was trying to kill Sarah and John instead of protecting them. She limped into a convenience store and stapled her ripped face covering back together with a borrowed staple gun. Then she spent most of the episode tracking down her human subjects until they were able to sandwich her between the front bumpers of two semi trucks and remove the CPU (which looks suspiciously like a car cigarette lighter ) from her head. John reactivated her later, against mom’s wishes, but Cameron promised that she wouldn’t try to kill them anymore. Stay tuned for future developments.
I’m proud to say that I never saw any of the Terminator movies. But I was willing to give this TV series a chance. I watched a couple of episodes during the first season, and was less than thrilled. The problem I have is that the tone of the show is too overly serious for a such a silly sci-fi storyline. Nobody ever smiles in the universe of the Terminator franchise. Instead of interesting characters, we get the usual good-guy/bad-guy paint by numbers routine, along with plenty of explosions and car chases. Sarah seems to have no purpose in life except to protect her son John, and to save humanity from impending robot doom. John is totally unlikable, and seems incapable of any emotion beyond self absorption. I guess it’s asking too much to expect good writing in a TV spin-off of an old Schwarzenegger flick. Of course, Arnold went on to become the Governator, so maybe there’s still hope for The Sarah Connor Chronicles.
Candy Wrapper Revelations September 6, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in snacks.Tags: inspirational, M&Ms, satire
1 comment so far
Â
Â
As you know, here at TV Crawlspace we consider snacks to be a necessary ingredient in the TV watching experience. After sampling a pack of M&M’s the other night I thought I spotted a typo on the wrapper. What seemed to be the problem was the apostrophe between the second M and the s. Was it possible that the package designers fell prey to the old pitfall of using an inappropriate apostrophe before the ‘s’ in a plural noun? My inner punctuation zealot jumped for joy at this thought. “The inclusion of the apostrophe implies ownership,” I proudly proclaimed. “In order for it to be valid, the word M&M’s would have to be followed with a second noun.” That’s when I noticed the tiny words at the bottom of the logo, “Chocolate Candies”. There they were. Two little words that meant so much. All was right on my candy wrapper.
This question of who owns the candies prompted me to do a little internet research. It turns out that M&M’s were named after the first owners of the candy’s patent, Forrest Mars Sr. and R. Bruce Murrie, who purchased the rights in 1929. The full name of the product, hypothetically, would read “Mars and Murrie’s Chocolate Candies”. Mr. Mars went on to amass a personal fortune of four billion dollars from the sale his little colorful creations. Kind of adds new meaning to the phrase “living the sweet life”.
After solving that mystery, something else caught my attention. Standing over on the right side of the wrapper was the jaded looking spokescandy known to M&M-o-philes as Red. Like a carnival booth attendant, he pointed a solicitous finger and seemed to urge passersby to partake in the contents of the little brown package. I tried to imagine what he might be saying:
“What’s the matter kid, life got you down? I got just the thing you need. Nothing like a sugar fix to make you forget about your problems. For a while at least. Then you’ll be back for more. Old man Mars got filthy rich off of desperate little kids like you. So what’s got you down, exactly? Let me take a guess. Your playstation game doesn’t work anymore? Your Barbie doll lost an arm? That’s nothin’. I hate to break it to ya, but it’s all downhill from here. You got twelve years of school to look forward to, and each grade is tougher than the last one. Then you work a crap job until you’re old and gray. That’s the game of life, and if you don’t play you end up dead in the gutter with the rats and the junkies. Take it from Red, the biggest thrill in your life will be these little chocolate candies here. Eat all you want, we got a whole warehouse full. These things won’t melt in your hand like that other cheap sh**.”
Just then I imagined a large shoe coming down on our affable spokescandy, crushing him into the sidewalk. That’s the way it goes in the school of hard knocks.
Olympic Tidbits 2008 August 23, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in ER, Sports.Tags: Bolt, olympics, Phelps, television, Tomescu
6 comments
Â
Â
On a more serious note:
I have developed a strange dislike of Michael Phelps that I can’t quit explain. Maybe it’s the media overkill. Maybe it’s his slight arrogance and his description of himself as the Michael Jordan of swimming. I know that sounds hypocritical after my praise of Usain Bolt earlier in this post. Bolt’s excessive showboating surely makes Phelps look humble by comparison. Do I expect better behavior from Phelps because he’s white? I’m not sure. Or maybe he reminds me of somebody from my past that I didn’t like. I may have to consult a psychologist to figure this one out. In spite of my feelings, I’m going to try to have some sympathy for Phelps. In addition to receiving nonstop coverage in the media, he is already making millions of dollars in product endorsement deals. All the sudden fame and fortune they’ve dumped on him won’t be easy to deal with at the age of 23. Whatever his personal quirks, Phelps clearly deserves credit for his eight gold medals. Congratulations, Mike.
Lesser Heroes Unveiled August 18, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in Heroes, Holiday Posts.Tags: satire, television
4 comments
Â
We’ve got nothing to worry about.
Â
The exciting third season of Heroes begins September 22, and we at the crawlspace (basically me and my beta fish) will be letting all our calls go to voicemail on Monday nights. The writers of Heroes are always trying to come up with interesting new characters with unique superpowers. Since most of the really impressive powers, like super healing, mind reading, and time traveling, have already been used, the writers will have to start coming up with characters with less impressive powers in future seasons of the show. Here are a few new heroes in the works according to my inside sources (spoiler alert!):
Isaac Mendes, the precognitive artist who painted events of the future, was tragically killed by the evil Sylar. Isaac is gone but not forgotten. Following in his footsteps is his cousin Todd, who will have the ability to paint what happened five minutes ago. He does this with the aid of CNN and MSNBC, and some nice brushes his Aunt Jane gave him for Christmas. He uploads his creations to his blog several times a day and his family is really impressed with his entrepreneurial spirit.
Daphne “Tic Tac” Jacobs has the not too amazing ability to guess what people ate for lunch, which she does especially well if the person in question had a tuna sandwich or a Chef Boyardee product. Daphne is proud of her power. When she becomes aware of somebody’s meal choice, she announces it loudly for all their coworkers to hear.
Another departed hero is D.L. Hawkins, who had the power to walk through walls. Jeff “Turbo” Penaskovic has a similar power, although it’s somewhat less impressive. Turbo is only able to walk partially through walls. His power is usually demonstrated at parties after the first couple of kegs are empty. His other powers include bad dancing, and the ability to laugh at his own jokes.
Move over Hiro! Timmy “The Timemaster” Hutchins always knows the exact time and date when he’s wearing a special five dollar Timex he bought at Kmart. In future episodes he will also acquire the power to communicate with anybody in the world from any location that is within his cellphone coverage area.
Reginald “Spaghetti” Stevens, formerly a Princeton biochemist, accidentally spilled a vial of toxic chemicals into his coffee one night, and subsequently developed the ability to turn himself into a plate of spaghetti. Heroes insiders predict that after hiding his secret for many years, Reg will find a use for his power as an FBI informant.
Ever been stuck at a Thanksgiving dinner that turns into a home version of the Springer show? Or found yourself at a frat party where half naked people start yelling and breaking things? If so, you will appreciate the abilities of Midge “The Toastmistress” Evangale. Using her hypnotic powers to impart good manners and taste, she can turn the most uncouth gathering into a sophisticated social event.
Daniel “Pogo” Perez has the ability to leap 10 feet in the air. He has performed this feat only once, after he pulled a game sticker off the side of his french fries and found out he won a free order of french fries. Sadly, his power is hard to control and can’t be summoned at will, as he learned when he tried out for his college basketball team.
Valerie Smith has a superhuman level of patience. She has been known to stand in line at the grocery store for two hours because she invites others to break in front of her. Valerie is never frustrated by traffic jams. She sees them as a chance to brainstorm and organize her thoughts. When she was a young child she used to annoy her siblings by saying things like “I can’t believe it’s Christmas time already”. For fun she enjoys watching her plants grow and putting together two thousand piece jigsaw puzzles.
Beating Back the America’s Got Talent Audience July 29, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in America's Got Talent, Reviews.Tags: satire, television
3 comments
Â
Et tu, Hasselhoff?
Â
The NBC show America’s Got Talent, currently in its third season, has a lot of good things going for it. The cheerful Sharon Osbourne is a welcome addition to the judges’ panel, and is more sympathetic toward the contestants than her predecessor, the pop singer Brandy, who seemed oddly disdainful and moody during her one year stint in the first season. David Hasselhoff remains the spiritual bedrock of the show, in spite of his occasionally erratic behavior, such as demanding to stand on contestants (ouch!), and having singing duets with cars (as witnessed in season one). Meanwhile, acidic brit Piers Morgan seems more civil these days and continues to be the voice of reason on the show, the much needed earthly anchor to the celestial flights of fancy taken by Hasselhoff and Osbourne. Jerry Springer, who replaced Regis Philbin as host in season two, seems like a better fit than Regis, who was left speechless at times by some of the more bizarre acts on the show. Springer is surprisingly likable as the host, especially in his backstage interviews with the performers.
Yes, all is going well for America’s Got Talent, which is currently enjoying high summer ratings. There’s just one problem I’m having with the show. I can’t take the studio audience. They’re mean, abusive, and kind of stupid. They yell, boo, and hiss at any act that doesn’t conform to their personal tastes. They foam at the mouth. They spit blood while their heads spin around. There’s almost nothing you can say about them that’s an exaggeration.
In a recent episode, an older contestant came out dressed like a king and had intended to recite some type of Shakespearian monologue. The first word out of the king’s mouth was greeted with a deafening wall of boos and jeers, followed quickly by three X’s from the judges. The mean-spiritedness of the incident was startling. Another contestant was a man who had lost the use of his vocal cords for several years due to injuries received in a car crash. Before the crash, he had dreamed of being a singer. He was appearing on the show to sing in public for the first time since regaining his voice. His wife and kids watched from backstage as he performed a pretty decent rendition of “You Lift Me Up”. The audience’s reaction? Boos and catcalls, of course. This kind of rude display is not why I watch the show, and apparently there are many who agree with me out there.
One can’t help but wonder if the new crowd dynamic is the handiwork of Springer. This phenomenon seemed to coincide with his arrival in the second season. Was this behavior learned from watching Jerry’s lively after-school specials, or is it the result of active coercion by AGT’s producers? Either way, the audience is clearly out of control.
Order and civility must be restored.
Here’s my proposal for dealing with the audience on America’s Got Talent:
1. Recruit former and current contestants to form a crowd control freak force, comprised of lion tamers, fire breathers, snake handlers, and assorted transvestites who will use their various talents to keep the heckling mob in check. If nothing else, the confrontation between the two camps would make for interesting television.
2. If the freak force proves ineffective, it’s time to bring out the fire hoses. This technique probably leaves a lot to be desired as a means of subduing a crowd. After the initial shock of the water wears off, the recipients will most likely be more hostile than ever. But the satisfaction of seeing wet people flailing about in pursuit of their dislodged cell phones makes this an essential part of the plan.
3. If the spectators still won’t mind their P’s and Q’s, phase 3 of the operation will be underway: bring in a massive swat team armed with billy clubs, tasers, pepper spray, cattle prods, tear gas, and napalm to pacify the crowd. Large nets would be dropped from the ceiling, allowing the distracted audience members to be gathered into bunches. They would then be loaded onto ships and taken to Polynesia where they would be sold as high quality food stuffs, for use in sushi and that type of thing. NBC could use the profits to develop more of their fabulous game shows that viewers can’t seem to get enough of.
My Journey to Lost Island July 21, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in Lost.Tags: satire, television
5 comments
Â
Â
It was summer of 2008. The Lost season 4 finale had come and gone, and after four months of blogging about television, I still had not written a post about my favorite show. The problem in writing about Lost, of course, is in the complexity of its plot. People who watch the show on a regular basis have a hard enough time understanding it, so how do you explain it to those who don’t watch it at all? No easy task, considering the many unexplained developments throughout the history of the series.
In order to answer the many burning questions about Lost island, I decided I would have to go there myself. Using an old shortwave radio, I was able to contact Penny Widmore, who was setting off on an expedition to find the island, and made arrangements to travel aboard her ship. I was packing my bags when she called back and said her ship had left ahead of schedule, and that I would have to travel on her father’s freighter ship instead. Conditions aboard the freighter were less than hospitable. I was forced to do janitorial work, the food was terrible, and there were roaches everywhere. Half the crew was crazy, and the other half was mean as hell. When our ship got within sight of the island, some guy with big arms named Keamy told me they were sending me out on a scouting mission, then he threw me overboard. After about two hours of swimming I reached the shore and collapsed from fatigue and heatstroke. When I woke up I was lying in the shade under a tent. Kate was fanning me with a big leaf and Juliet gave me a coconut shell full of Hawaiian Punch to drink. “Don’t try to speak”, she said.
After recuperating peacefully for several weeks, Sayid decided I was a spy from the Others’ camp and imprisoned me in the hatch. After enduring several days of Sayid’s unpleasant interrogation techniques, which included beatings, sleep deprivation, and horrible karaoke singing, I was finally let out by Hurley, who told Sayid to lighten up. On my way back to the beach camp I encountered Desmond in the woods, who seemed to be communing with nature and having some kind of religious experience. I didn’t attempt to communicate with him. After re-joining the survivors on the beach, I became friends with Jin, who didn’t have much to say but taught me how to fish with a spear. I became fairly proficient at fishing and, by contributing to the food supply, was able to gain the trust of the community. Once I adjusted to the routine of island life, it seemed like a good time to start finding answers for all the confused Lost fans.
(to be continued)
Â
How’s that mission going, shrimp?
Â
Inside the DTV Transition Nightmare, Part 2 July 20, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in DTV, General.2 comments
Â
Fight the Future!
Â
I’m sure you all know about the Digital TV transition at this point, and you’re probably sick of all the public service announcements about it. “Who cares?”, you think, “I’ve got a nice flat screen with satellite TV service, so I’m good to go.” But there’s one very important reason why you should care about this issue, namely, that it affects me personally. That’s right. Here in the crawlspace I watch exclusively over-the-air programming on my old analog 22″ Panasonic. Don’t laugh. Up until now, it has served me just fine. I never felt the need to get cable. What’s so great about cable anyway? It’s mostly just sports, shopping channels, some violence and T&A on HBO, and lots and lots of reruns. (There’s only two sports games I bother to watch: the World Series, and the Auburn vs. Alabama game, which we are required by law to watch in the state of Alabama.) So why pay for that stuff when the best programs are available for free on network television?
Now they’re telling me that after February of 2009 I’ll be staring at nothing but static like that little girl in Poltergeist. This has huge connotations for the future of my TV blog. I try hard not to be paranoid, but it almost seems as if congress is thumbing its nose at me. After all, there’s a lot of big business interests who seem poised to benefit from this process: cable and satellite TV providers, electronics retailers, TV manufacturers, and so forth. “So what?”, you say, “Just get the damn converter box.”
Well, I did, and that’s where the situation got complicated. I went to the DTV Answers website several months ago and dutifully ordered my 40-dollar-off coupon. I received the coupon, which looks like a red credit card, in the mail after a few weeks. I took it to my local Radio Shack and asked if they had any converter boxes. They were out, but the clerk said they would have more in within a couple of days. So I went back three days later and got the converter box. The coupon covered most of the cost. I was feeling upbeat about my prospects. I would get through the DTV transition with my individuality intact; I would defeat the Orwellian designs of the military-industrial complex and continue to receive free television, only now I would also get a clear digital picture. What’s not to like? But as anyone over the age of 4 might have predicted, there was a catch.
(To be continued)
PBS lightens up with As the Wrench Turns July 14, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in 30 Rock, As the Wrench Turns, PBS, Reviews.add a comment
  
Â
If you’re like me, you have listened to Car Talk on NPR (National Public Radio) for years now and learned very little about cars in the process. Continuing their long tradition of putting entertainment ahead of useful information, Car Talk hosts Tom and Ray Magliozzi unveiled their new animated show on PBS last week, called As the Wrench Turns. The show is not, as I had at first assumed, merely a cartoon version of the Car Talk radio show. It’s actually a cartoon sitcom about what goes on behind the scenes at their radio show. I found the two debut episodes to be highly entertaining (PBS shows two episodes back to back on Wednesday nights). Stylistically it borrows a lot from network primetime cartoons such as The Simpsons and Family Guy, with rapid fire humor and satirical jabs at society and culture. The lighthearted spirit of the NPR radio show is faithfully reproduced on As the Wrench Turns, possibly due in part to the fact that Car Talk’s long time producer Doug Berman is also Wrench’s head writer.
The characters of the show include Click and Clack, which are voiced by their real life counterparts, Tom and Ray, along with the staff of their fictitious headquarters, long known to fans of the radio show as Car Talk Plaza. In addition to their radio show, C&C also run an on-premises auto repair shop. The first episode, “Campaign”, features Click and Clack plotting to run jointly for the office of U.S. president in order to supplement their failing NPR fund drive with campaign donations. They acquire the services of a political consultant named Jimmy, who bears a striking resemblance to James Carville. In spite of his expertise, they repeatedly botch all their campaign speeches, and end up getting zero votes on election night. Jimmy comes through with the required five million dollars for the fund drive at the last minute, donated by special interest groups in exchange for C&C’s promise to stay out of politics. In terms of pushing the boundaries of political correctness, the second episode, “Outsourcing”, gives Family Guy a run for its money. In this episode, the Bostonian brothers endeavor to make their lives easier by outsourcing their radio program to India. They discover that established radio shows such as Rush Limbaugh, Prairie Home Companion, and Howard Stern have all been outsourced, and utilize India-based sound alike radio hosts. The final scene is truly distasteful but hilarious, and involves the effects of Indian water on the human digestive system.
As the Wrench Turns is probably not as funny as The Simpsons was in its 90’s heyday, but it’s infinitely funnier than 30 Rock, and proves that making a show about a show is not necessarily an exercise in futility. It is a welcome addition to PBS’s pantheon of greatness, and adds a much needed dose of mid-brow irreverence to the more serious programming such as Frontline, Nova, and Washington Week. I’m hoping this show lasts longer than the list of production credits on Car Talk.
Dube on Mama Don’t Take My Robot Gir…
NICK on Lesser Heroes Unveiled
marybt on Candy Wrapper Revelations
eletalk on My Journey to Lost Island