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The Wrong Kind of Sin (Or Why An Addict is a Spiritual Loser)
Transparent. It is how I have resolved to live my life, and in recovery, I have tried to lay it all out there. When someone comes on my blog and says they admire my transparency, it is one of the greatest compliments I feel I can get. It is one of those compliments that doesn't puff you up with pride, but encourages you to keep putting your rubbish out there in hope of personal growth and reaching others.
Trust. Trust is a huge issue for me as it is something that has been violated many times in my life. It is a huge issue for the life of an addict especially. Coming to trust in God and knowing that he will carry me is the ultimate for a person like me. And in trusting in God, I thought I could begin to trust in the good of people again. Yet, life hands me another issue in which I feel that the church has let me down. The church that for years I avoided because of trust issues and of feeling "not good enough".
When I worked in Southern California several years ago, I began to see a EAP (employee assistance program) counselor that my work sponsored. One of the reasons I was attracted to it was that the counselor would come on property every week and see clients. I could essentially go talk to someone about the issues in my life and not have to leave the work campus. Little did I know was that the counselor chose to share my confidential (not life threatening, not physically endangering) secrets with the company nurse. She, in turn, chose to share some of that information with my boss. Information that none of those people should have been privy to or needed to know. It was a confirmation of my fears. Counselors couldn't be trusted. It was one of the most horrendous emotional violations of my life. Transparency shamed me. Transparency embarrassed me.
One of the things that I acknowledge in this path of being a Christian is that I am not perfect. Nor is my Christian formation one of immediate perfection. I am a work in progress. I am an addict. I am someone who constantly has to be attune to her state of being. I make mistakes. I am human. While I think that as my spiritual journey continues, I will consistently be in a better place, there will be times where I fail.
I recently struggled with an issue. It was one that I prayed about. Yet, instead of holding the issue in and letting it work its way through my alcoholic manipulative ways, I disclosed it. I attempted to work through it. I prayed about it. I pleaded with God about it. I was honest about it. I WAS HONEST ABOUT IT. Do you know how big that is for me? Do you have any clue how much trust and transparency that requires?
And what happened? I was shamed. I was embarrassed. I was criticized. In the church. One person shared with another who shared with another, and my problem was seen by many. Do you know how much trust it takes for an addict to get honest? I felt like I was back where I was in the beginning when I stepped into the rooms of AA. It made me want to run to the rooms of AA where we love each other through our issues instead of judge. It made me angry. But most of all, it made me feel like the hopeless addict that I am. Imagine! My strongest drinking urges of all time came from a reaction from the church...where I thought I was loved unconditionally. Today, during service, I cried. Not because I feel God is absent in my life, but I feel unwelcome in his home. I feel most unwelcome in a place where evidently sinners are not allowed. Or sinners like me. Maybe pride and greed are OK...but the other sins, well they aren't acceptable.
I had come to some personal peace with this particular situation and grappled with God about what needed to be done moving forward. It wasn't as if this was a personal issue that hadn't been wrestled with internally. It wasn't as if this was an issue that I didn't meditate on scripturally to find resolution. I invested in this issue. I was personally finding peace with it.
But maybe this addict will always be "sinful". Maybe I don't know who to trust.
And so I feel vigilant again. So on edge. Attacked and violated. And oh, so disheartened.
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I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I know that many of us have experienced a similar situation in one or more churches. Know, though, that there is a church home for you somewhere (be it at your church or elsewhere) where you will be welcomed as you are and as you grow.
Posted by: Bethiclaus | 08/12/2007 at 03:18 PM
Okay...so did you miss my post "I'm Not Playing Nice Anymore"????? What you write here is exactly why I am not playing nice anymore. Although much of what I am annoyed with has happened online...it still played a part in me deciding to go back to our old church of over 3,000...where I can be invisible...and not have to deal with the self-righteous and the hypocrites and the bigots....which is also why I am keeping my faith, from now on, personal...between me and God and no one else. You are a wonderful person who has made great strides to become the person both God and yourself want to me...don't let anyone make you feel any different...if they do...turn your back and walk away.
Posted by: Danielle B. Blogging for Balance | 08/12/2007 at 03:41 PM
Must Ask: What Denomination?
I'm not about to criticize your church, even though their group message obviously hurt and shook you to your very core...
I'll only relate my own experience: I'm a 46-year-old gay man who is in charge of all of the music at a Congregational church in northern Michigan. Whenever the concept of "sin" is featured in our message, which isn't often, I sit slightly off-center of my seat: is who I am a sin? Nope, don't think so: my entire Jesus message boils down to the simple phrase, "Be Nice!"
When we confess our most relevant issues to others in our church, then have those issues dissected, disseminated, and discussed amongst people not in our best interests, we have to remember: those "judgements" are coming from everyday people, who quite frankly, "know not what they do..." The absolute hardest, and most important, lessons Christ preached were about loving those who totally and completely piss us off!
Accidentally signed up to your blog updates around two years ago, when I was looking for sobriety; I've read them ever since, and this one just really caught my eye...
Peace,
Michael
Posted by: Michael | 08/12/2007 at 04:45 PM
Aw Jen, I am so sorry. I have to keep reminding myself that church is made up of all sinful people -- even the ones who like to pretend they aren't. It seems like a messed-up system, right? Shouldn't everyone be trying a little harder to love one another within the walls, literal and metaphoric, of a Christian community? My DH and I have recently realized what a gap there can be between "cultural" Christians (who may or may not live by Jesus' teachings at all, but they attend church for the social benefits) and those who are trying to live in such a way that honors and respects the gift He gave us.
Posted by: janny226 | 08/12/2007 at 06:10 PM
Do you need to attend church to be a Christian? I'm not sure that you do, Jen. I'm not sure that you need to enter a building and listen to a minister speak to you about different aspects of faith in your life and the society. You can seek out a healing consciousness through reading, such as books written by others in your faith who have taken healing journeys and recordings on tape (if book reading is catch as catch can with wee children) of lectures or books by people who have struggled and overcome. You can screen out as Michael has and believe you belong, but you can just have your belief, too, and gain your strength from that.
Posted by: amy | 08/12/2007 at 06:36 PM
But I truly believe that a big part of being a Christian is being part of the "Church" and that means having a community to grow from and fellowship with.
So, I don't think it is appropriate to isolate either....(and also isolation is a big part of my disease)
Posted by: stayathomemotherdom | 08/12/2007 at 06:49 PM
I think it is horrible that you have been made to feel this way in church. Please keep praying and please keep turning to God. Perhaps He is going to use you to bring some enlightenment to the people who have made you feel this way.
Posted by: Beth_C | 08/13/2007 at 03:56 AM
Jen,
I read your blog daily, think about your words often in my own day to day struggles, and pray for you and your family.
I often can relate to your posts; the need to be perfect, the need to be the best, the need to make a difference, the need to need. From what I can tell (my conclusion is solely based from your writing)you do nothing half way; you give your whole being to everything you do good or bad. I can relate because I am the same way. I end up having great highs but great lows.
In reference to your church situation I would fall to my knees and pray for those that feel the need to gossip and pass judgment in the house of the Lord. The church is not a perfect place and solace is not always found in it's walls. The only solace that is found is in the word of God and the teaching of Jesus Christ. The bible is full of accounts new and old testament about the failings of the church and the people who attend it. A good example of this is by studying the lives of the 12 Disciples. Jesus did not choose religiously educated men but rather 12 ordinary hardworking men. He did not want men that would pass judgment on others or think they were to good to sit among sinners (drunks, prostitutes, thieves, etc). But rather wanted men that could relate to sinners, men who had sinned, and seen the glory of being born again.
Because of your past indiscretions (I have many as well) you are in a better place to relate and teach those searching for the word of God.
What is the greatest myth about Christianity; "I can never be good enough or perfect enough to be a Christian." Non-believers think that the walls of the church are filled with perfect people. The people that I know that are the strongest in their beliefs of Christianity are those that have lived lives of great sin only to rise above and find the love of the Lord.
Life is not without sorrow or persecution even if you are a Christian. Sometimes especially because you are a Christian. The difference is that it is God's love that allows use to forgive those that gossip and persecute us.
I believe that the church is a wonderful place to worship, praise, and fellowship. But at the end of the day it is just a building and the insides are still filled with man-made materials and sinners. The church will not protect us from the harshness of the world......only pray and the love of the Lord will guide us through it.
Posted by: Sarah | 08/13/2007 at 05:25 AM
I have seen enough of the nastiness that is present in churches, the so-called house of God (I strongly differ on that perspective) and the problem is NOT with you, it's with the self-righteous judgemental mentality of those around you.
I know it stings and comes as a shock, but that's their nastiness coming out. You're just fine. A lot of people in spiritual communities (any type) aren't actually all that spiritual.
Sorry you had to experience that. It sucks.
Posted by: jessica | 08/13/2007 at 07:15 AM
Jen,
I am sorry you have going through this. As many have said. The church is made up of sinners just like all of us but that does not have to discount what they have done. Gossiping is something God has talked about and how harmful it is. I believe it is talked about in Isaiah and James. I have been in a situation myself where ... well lets put it this way, my whole family was put to shame by something that should have been kept private. It is very hurtful. No matter what part of the church the gossiper or slainder is (church member, dean, main pastor), it is wrong and I believe at the time they were not following Gods will. I know we all are sinners but we all need to think about what we have done and how our actions hurt someone.
I know for me reading a lot about trust and some certain Christian books really helped. I haven't gotten to the point of comfronting the people that have hurt my family since I still know that they are not following Gods will and still doing things against Him and the church they are over. I don't hold anger but still when I hear them mentioned it makes me upset. But if you are able to comfront these people and let them know how they hurt you then it might help you more than change their gossiping ways. Whatever will help you at them time and I know God will.
Bless you during this time and hold strong to God and your family.
Posted by: Christie Chavis | 08/13/2007 at 07:54 AM
So sorry for the way you feel in your church. Is it possible for you to talk to the church leadership about this?
I feel very strongly that people should not feel that they have to be perfect to be in a community of believers. What binds us together IS our imperfectness AND sinfulness. And our realization that God's grace sets us free from those.
Obviously, you must be very hurt by this, but I might challenge you to think about it a different way. Maybe your example, by staying in the church and continuing to proclaim the name of Jesus, will inspire and make comfortable other church goers who are struggling with the same thing. It isn't easy to be public.
BTW, what that counselor did is probably illegal. What a shame!
Posted by: Heidi | 08/13/2007 at 10:36 AM
I'm sorry - how painful this must be for you. Stay strong. I'll keep you in my thoughts; although the one who betrayed you really needs the prayers.
Sending good thoughts your way...
Posted by: Tammy | 08/13/2007 at 09:25 PM
Oh Jen,
Sending up prayers for you ;o)
Love, Esther
Posted by: Esther | 08/14/2007 at 10:21 AM
Jen, I completely agree with Tammy that the one/ones who betrayed you really need the prayers! Trust is earned and betrayal is painful. Keep your faith, as I know you are.
I responded to your email. Thank you so much for replying. Please do the same with this comment if it shows up the same way the other one did. I wish I knew why that happens (with the links).
Also, email me back if you still can't figure out the other comment I was referring to. I sent you a note about it, but perhaps it didn't go through. Thanks a bunch.
Posted by: Mary | 08/14/2007 at 07:57 PM
Dear Jen,
Having been a Catholic parish youth leader in my own country, I can truly understand what you felt about what happened because it happens everyday inside every church wall I so far have known. Sarah is right with her comments too.
You have to focus on your relationship with God and ignore the comments that people make about you. God loves you for who you are and it doesn't matter what others think because it is God's love for you that should really be important. Your community needs someone like you because only through the hard problems that you have will you be able to reach out to those who are also in need. If you get to reach out to them too, you will be the face of God to them and it really doesn't matter what those who don't seem to respect you would think. You need to let God move in your life towards those who need Him the most.
Secondly, please stop saying that you are an addict. There is a great value in thinking positively and letting go of the past. There are so many other more beautiful things about you that you should keep reminding yourself. You are a great mom and that matters more to people like me. Stop saying you are an addict because when you do, you keep reinforcing it in your mind and it will be harder to move on. Think of how your being honest can actually make you stronger. Remember, doing what is right (and that usually means facing the truth) will never lead you to a wrong situation. It usually begins by embarassing you with your past but with God on your side, you will learn to be stronger and realize that the past cannot harm you because you have the power of the future in your hands.
I am currently helping myself improve my life through a meditation program one can do at home. You may look at it online too if you want:
http://67.59.131.83/productcart/pc/viewPrd.asp?idproduct=2&idaffiliate=449
Posted by: Teta | 08/15/2007 at 01:57 AM
Jen! I decided to read a bit more before I pop in the shower and found this post. I could chat with you forever about this one . . . you are so right, that there seems to be certain sins that are worse than others. For me it was going through divorce after 25 years of being the "model Christian family." But what no one knew, and I kept hidden for all those years expecially from my children, was that my husband had been unfaithful for most of our marriage. I had always been afraid that if I was honest and let anyone know the truth, that I would be rejected, judged and abandoned. And sure enough, when I finally decided that I couldn't live that way anymore, that is exactly what happened! So, it has taken me time, and I am very careful who I let get close to me, but we have returned to a church where there is such a loving and embracing spirit. Sin is sin, and it is wrong . . . . but unless we can all be safe and feel free to be honest, all of that sin eventually will destroy our church community, our families, and our individual souls. Continue to be honest, and know that your honesty is truly a blessing to others who need to know that God does not expect us to be "perfect" before we can come to Him . . . . otherwise, why would He have needed to send His Son if we could have achieved salvation on our own?
Posted by: Nina | 08/15/2007 at 09:24 AM
One thing I will never do is stop calling myself an addict. I can be an addict "in recovery", but I am still an addict. If I do stop calling myself an addict, I forget who I am without God. If I do stop calling myself an addict, I might convince myself "I am healed" and reach for a drink. And the truth is, I am healed insomuch that God gives me the strength not to reach for a drink. If I reach for that drink, it's all downhill from there.
Posted by: stayathomemotherdom | 08/15/2007 at 09:50 AM
I found this very moving. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Jen.
Posted by: Namenlosen Trinker | 08/16/2007 at 08:15 AM
I'm sorry you experienced this, Jen.
Jesus loves you, and He loves your honesty. He knows, like no one else, how far you have come.
Church people aren't perfect, that is for sure. Most of them (speaking from experience and from a life time in the church) have deep issues which they need help with, too.)
Don't be isolated. Forgive.
Love, Holly
Posted by: Holly | 08/16/2007 at 07:39 PM
I'm sorry you experienced this, Jen.
Jesus loves you, and He loves your honesty. He knows, like no one else, how far you have come.
Church people aren't perfect, that is for sure. Most of them (speaking from experience and from a life time in the church) have deep issues which they need help with, too.)
Don't be isolated. Forgive.
Love, Holly
Posted by: Holly | 08/16/2007 at 07:39 PM
I'm sorry you experienced this, Jen.
Jesus loves you, and He loves your honesty. He knows, like no one else, how far you have come.
Church people aren't perfect, that is for sure. Most of them (speaking from experience and from a life time in the church) have deep issues which they need help with, too.)
Don't be isolated. Forgive.
Love, Holly
Posted by: Holly | 08/16/2007 at 07:39 PM
I'm sorry you experienced this, Jen.
Jesus loves you, and He loves your honesty. He knows, like no one else, how far you have come.
Church people aren't perfect, that is for sure. Most of them (speaking from experience and from a life time in the church) have deep issues which they need help with, too.)
Don't be isolated. Forgive.
Love, Holly
Posted by: Holly | 08/16/2007 at 07:40 PM
Hugs to you. Churches are made up of people -- and people are imperfect. They judge and hurt because they are hurting -- keep being honest about your stuff -- and keep praying for them to work through theirs...
Posted by: Mary (MPJ) | 08/18/2007 at 10:56 AM
Sure hate that this happened to you.I've been on both sides of the fence - the person hurt & judged, and the person who naively said all the wrong things, thus hurting others. God bless you. Keep looking to Jesus, the Author and Perfector of our faith. Without Him, we're nothing. *All* of us, not just the alcoholic or addict.
Posted by: Vicki | 11/15/2007 at 10:11 AM