Emotions–what we can’t trust, but can’t ignore…
Our emotions tell us something is going on out of the ordinary: happy events, frightening events, something wrong is going on, etc. However our emotions don’t explain or give the facts about the event…only what we are feeling as we are walking the experience.
 We all have basic needs to fit somewhere, to feel loved, to be accepted for who we are, and to have a basic sense of value, of worth. One of the ways God helps us meet those needs is social supply of nurturance, affection, and approval. If those aren’t met, we become afraid, anxious, angry….just as a baby cries and gets mad when it doesn’t get its food fast enough….we do the same, but in our own ‘adult’ manner. It isn’t enough to intellectualize our God-given worth. We need to choose to accept our worth when another doesn’t or when we feel like we do not deserve anything from God.
Two of the bigger emotions that we deal with as missionaries on the field are anxiety and anger.
Anger
We know what anger is and how we experience it. However we may not recognize our triggers and how our actions are affecting our relationships with our families and our co-workers, as well as the harm we are causing within our own person. We forget that anger management is a matter of choice, “Although my world may not be stable, I can be stable in it.â€Â Â
Anxiety
The anxious person usually has irrational thinking centered on one or a combination of acceptance, competence, and control. They think, “Something bad is going to happen that I won’t be able to handle.†One basic plan of attack against anxiety is answering the following questions:
One of my favorite movies is Falling Down. In it the character that Michael Douglas plays loses his job. He reaches his boiling point, snaps in traffic, and has a city-wide “postal†day fighting the injustices that he encounters while trying to get to his daughter’s birthday celebration. Although a little melodramatic, the movie captures the essence of anxiety and anger gone wild.
My former unwritten guide to living was unconscious within me until life forced me to face and deal with me:
Trying to be perfect…to not fail others…to do the right thing all the time, in all places, in all ways, in all things and with all people…
If I fail, others will know I’m not good enough, not strong enough, not spiritual enough, not wise enough…not enough….
Not enough for them to know me, accept me, or love me for who I am. Â
What a ticking time bomb. My new motto is from Dr. Seuss:
Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those that mind don’t matter. And those that matter don’t mind.     Â
Some of our irrational thinking triggers
We change the Golden Rule to “If I do nice things for people, they should reciprocate.â€
We think, “If I live life (right) for God, bad things shouldn’t happen to me.†In other words, “I’m doing what He called me to do, why is this happening?â€
Instead of dealing with our pain, unmet needs, or our fears, we bury, medicate the pain…
This leads us to another issue we deal with, shame. Although guilt can be constructive, because we want to fix what we have done wrong, shame focuses more inward causing us to feel poorly about ourselves. Our behavior then turns inward: we avoid others; we hide ourselves away; we withdrawal from social situations. Shame can lead to other behaviors as well:
We know how and where to find information. We know where to seek out counselors; professional, lay, spiritual or another peer. What usually lacks is the desire to change, the fear of consequences of seeking help and/or facing and dealing with our shame. Â
A person can only change if he or she wants to…when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change; if an event bigger than us (what we can do or manage) rocks our world. Your wife wants a divorce, your husband is getting deeper into porn, your son’s girlfriend becomes pregnant, a spouse has an affair, your child dies on the field, your child is an diagnosed with a terminal illness, your husband physically harms you…etc.Â
An Exercise:
Make a list of:
You can even graph your emotional health by making a timeframe of difficult events. You can map spiritual levels, quality of relationships–family, friends, and work related, emotional highs, lows, and intensity, as well as any physical issues. Â
Chart
Each of those items represents unfinished emotional business in your life.
Chart out what you need to do to fix it and how you can accomplish the task. Some of the tasks can’t be completed on the outside, but rather require inside work—dealing with irrational thinking, unrealistic expectations vs. reality. For example: accepting who you are in life, where you are in life, maybe that means being average, coming to grips with the western business idea of ‘promotion’ that plays into normal life-span development and the CEO/boss mentality, and putting that over against a Biblical view of success…What we do vs. who we are.Â
Some tasks may require that you make contact with another person-fix what you have broken between you.
Other tasks might be too big for you to tackle alone and you might need some help, from your spouse, a friend, or a counselor.Â
The important thing is to act, move forward in change and walk into a healthier and happier life.
References:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/anger-management
http://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/guilt_shame
Anxiety Disorders and Phobias: A cognitive perspective, Beck and Emery
The Anger Workbook, Carter and Minirth
Feeling Good: The new mood therapy, Burns
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