Some Enlightened Common Sense Discernment Regarding Revivals
A. Always begin with healthy skepticism
Skepticism is a highly prized value, a viewpoint polished to a high degree of refinement by those marvelously smart Enlightenment philosophers. And they were a very skeptical. And as we well know, one of the beatitudes says something along the lines of "blessed are those with healthy skepticism for they shall never be deceived." Ignore those places where there is this funny emphasis on "being like children." If Christ marveled at and commended faith, it only goes to prove that He didn't have the proper Enlightenment skepticism. But what can you expect? It was only the 1st Century, and people were primitive back then.
B. God has a way of proving Himself true in time, but the Enemy never does.
Maybe back in 1906 people were forced to wait it out for ten or twenty years to see the final results. But today we've got the Internet and time has compressed itself, which means that revival discernment has speeded up to levels hitherto not available in the past. So if the clock runs out in the next ten or twenty minutes, consider it as all settled. But we can all be thankful for this, because, after all, in this hectic day and age where everything is 365/24, everybody wants answers and they want them now! now! now! Thanks to the Internet we can have them in mere nanoseconds.
C. Consider the past fruits of anyone or any group working the miraculous in the name of Christ.
And of course only godly people always get everything absolutely right the first time around. There is no such thing as growth in the understanding and knowledge of God, or learning from your past mistakes. You have to hit the ground running and any stumbling is not allowed. Therefore, to bring about revival, God doesn't use any ministries that aren't the flawless pink of immaculate perfection from the get-go.
D. Real miraculous works from God are often imitated by the Enemy.
The Devil has tremendous power as we all know. There is not a miracle he can't perform, and he is Johnny-On-The-Spot about doing them too. On the other hand, miracles from God are a very iffy proposition. And you can never be all that sure that He will show up, if ever, and miracles with Him are few and far between. And talk about vague! His miracles are so vague and half-baked, that you can never be completely sure that you're even seeing one. So when it comes to the miraculous, all bets are on the Devil. So beware.
E. Any appeal to spiritual beings apart from the members of the Trinity is dangerous.
Remember all those holy angels you've read about in the Bible, who seem to show up at the strangest times with important messages from God. Well, we are sorry to report but because of the recent financial crisis in Heaven, all those angels have been laid off from their jobs. Consequently, being unemployed, they are out looking for new work. So be careful on whom you entertain. They're a dangerous lot. It is rumored that a couple of them even destroyed the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, and that another one even staged a prison break.
F. The whole counsel of Scripture matters, not just a verse here and there.
Especially don't pay overmuch attention to those funny Bible verses about knocking, asking, seeking, and finding. And the stuff about moving mountains isn't very good either and should be taken with a grain of salt. And goodness gracious, don't ever put them together to arrive at something other than sensible conclusions. Remember, keep everything in context with a good dose of modern thinking, otherwise you might go overboard and actually believe some of them. You do have your respectability to uphold.
G. God’s revivals and miracles are not chintzy.
The definition of chintzy depends a lot on who is doing the defining. So be careful: anything that doesn't conform to the Sanhedrin's definition of "kosher" is ipso facto "chintzy". For example, eating food with unwashed hands is definitely chintzy. One preacher we know about was very chintzy in this regard. Disgusting!
H. Novelty is not of God.
Therefore, please ignore those parts of the Bible where "creating new things," or "new wine," or "new wine skins" and so forth are mentioned. You can't possibly take them too seriously, and they can only be understood by highly trained experts. Remember, before all else, that there is nothing new under theSon…er, Sun. This is a universal principle of Science.
I. If a movement, revival, or series of miracles “feels off,†the Holy Spirit may be trying to warn us.
By all means pay very close attention to your feelings. They are absolutely important in every respect. Anything remotely unusual is suspect (tinglies are especially bad). God is entirely without imagination, has no sense of humor, and never does anything even slightly out of the ordinary. And He never tries to do anything that you can't anticipate ahead of time. If you feel in the least bit surprised, turn tail and run because it's a sure-fire sign of a phony revival.
J. We Christians are to seek Jesus, not signs and wonders.
As we all know, there was this certain well-known ministry that was too much into the signs and wonders trip. The preacher involved was doing them all over the place and at the wrong times (ignoring the Sabbath)—things like healing the sick, walking on water, commanding the wind and waves, giving sight to the blind, casting out demons, cleansing the lepers, raising the dead, and even going so far as giving authority to others to do the same sort of excessive stuff. Obviously, he had a very unbalanced ministry, which made him very suspect. Therefore, it is only sensible to avoid this sort of crazy extremism. By the way, the preacher involved, the chintzy one mentioned before, came to a very sorry and gruesome end. But it just goes to show you.
K. Real revival breaks out only among the humble.
Stay away from all those maladjusted, body-pierced-and-tatooed, red neck, chintzy, uneducated, broken-hearted, depressed, alcoholic, drug-addicted, half-crazed, ruined nobodies who turn up at these phony revivals getting all excited and emotional. They can't possibly be humble.
L. Christ Himself warned that genuine faith would become a rarity in the Last Days.
This is absolutely true. Scientific knowledge and high-speed Internet communications in our modern, advanced era have rendered obsolete the sort of "taking things on faith" that was common in earlier, more primitive times. Accordingly, upon report of any revivial taking place anywhere, everybody's sensible first reaction ought to be to regard it as entirely bogus. Nobody wants to be considered a fool by ever hoping otherwise. Skepticism is a sign of spiritual advancement. Cherish and nurture it.
M. Most of all, before all else, consult the experts.
Revivals are very dangerous things. Therefore, ordinary folks are well advised to never get near one without first consulting highly-trained experts with specialized credentials in the field of revivalology. Many of these experts do make their services available on the Internet free of charge. Finally, any true revival from God will conform to the rigorous standards and protocols as published by the Apistia Research Society of Experts†, an important international association of university-educated academicians who do nothing all day but study revivals. And for certain they know what they're talking about and you can completely trust them. Therefore, before all else, protect yourself and never do anything without expert assistance.
† Never accept anything that does not have on display the Official A.R.S.E. Certification of Revival Adherence to Protocols, a dependable seal of assurance.
A. Always begin with healthy skepticism
Skepticism is a highly prized value, a viewpoint polished to a high degree of refinement by those marvelously smart Enlightenment philosophers. And they were a very skeptical. And as we well know, one of the beatitudes says something along the lines of "blessed are those with healthy skepticism for they shall never be deceived." Ignore those places where there is this funny emphasis on "being like children." If Christ marveled at and commended faith, it only goes to prove that He didn't have the proper Enlightenment skepticism. But what can you expect? It was only the 1st Century, and people were primitive back then.
B. God has a way of proving Himself true in time, but the Enemy never does.
Maybe back in 1906 people were forced to wait it out for ten or twenty years to see the final results. But today we've got the Internet and time has compressed itself, which means that revival discernment has speeded up to levels hitherto not available in the past. So if the clock runs out in the next ten or twenty minutes, consider it as all settled. But we can all be thankful for this, because, after all, in this hectic day and age where everything is 365/24, everybody wants answers and they want them now! now! now! Thanks to the Internet we can have them in mere nanoseconds.
C. Consider the past fruits of anyone or any group working the miraculous in the name of Christ.
And of course only godly people always get everything absolutely right the first time around. There is no such thing as growth in the understanding and knowledge of God, or learning from your past mistakes. You have to hit the ground running and any stumbling is not allowed. Therefore, to bring about revival, God doesn't use any ministries that aren't the flawless pink of immaculate perfection from the get-go.
D. Real miraculous works from God are often imitated by the Enemy.
The Devil has tremendous power as we all know. There is not a miracle he can't perform, and he is Johnny-On-The-Spot about doing them too. On the other hand, miracles from God are a very iffy proposition. And you can never be all that sure that He will show up, if ever, and miracles with Him are few and far between. And talk about vague! His miracles are so vague and half-baked, that you can never be completely sure that you're even seeing one. So when it comes to the miraculous, all bets are on the Devil. So beware.
E. Any appeal to spiritual beings apart from the members of the Trinity is dangerous.
Remember all those holy angels you've read about in the Bible, who seem to show up at the strangest times with important messages from God. Well, we are sorry to report but because of the recent financial crisis in Heaven, all those angels have been laid off from their jobs. Consequently, being unemployed, they are out looking for new work. So be careful on whom you entertain. They're a dangerous lot. It is rumored that a couple of them even destroyed the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, and that another one even staged a prison break.
F. The whole counsel of Scripture matters, not just a verse here and there.
Especially don't pay overmuch attention to those funny Bible verses about knocking, asking, seeking, and finding. And the stuff about moving mountains isn't very good either and should be taken with a grain of salt. And goodness gracious, don't ever put them together to arrive at something other than sensible conclusions. Remember, keep everything in context with a good dose of modern thinking, otherwise you might go overboard and actually believe some of them. You do have your respectability to uphold.
G. God’s revivals and miracles are not chintzy.
The definition of chintzy depends a lot on who is doing the defining. So be careful: anything that doesn't conform to the Sanhedrin's definition of "kosher" is ipso facto "chintzy". For example, eating food with unwashed hands is definitely chintzy. One preacher we know about was very chintzy in this regard. Disgusting!
H. Novelty is not of God.
Therefore, please ignore those parts of the Bible where "creating new things," or "new wine," or "new wine skins" and so forth are mentioned. You can't possibly take them too seriously, and they can only be understood by highly trained experts. Remember, before all else, that there is nothing new under the
I. If a movement, revival, or series of miracles “feels off,†the Holy Spirit may be trying to warn us.
By all means pay very close attention to your feelings. They are absolutely important in every respect. Anything remotely unusual is suspect (tinglies are especially bad). God is entirely without imagination, has no sense of humor, and never does anything even slightly out of the ordinary. And He never tries to do anything that you can't anticipate ahead of time. If you feel in the least bit surprised, turn tail and run because it's a sure-fire sign of a phony revival.
J. We Christians are to seek Jesus, not signs and wonders.
As we all know, there was this certain well-known ministry that was too much into the signs and wonders trip. The preacher involved was doing them all over the place and at the wrong times (ignoring the Sabbath)—things like healing the sick, walking on water, commanding the wind and waves, giving sight to the blind, casting out demons, cleansing the lepers, raising the dead, and even going so far as giving authority to others to do the same sort of excessive stuff. Obviously, he had a very unbalanced ministry, which made him very suspect. Therefore, it is only sensible to avoid this sort of crazy extremism. By the way, the preacher involved, the chintzy one mentioned before, came to a very sorry and gruesome end. But it just goes to show you.
K. Real revival breaks out only among the humble.
Stay away from all those maladjusted, body-pierced-and-tatooed, red neck, chintzy, uneducated, broken-hearted, depressed, alcoholic, drug-addicted, half-crazed, ruined nobodies who turn up at these phony revivals getting all excited and emotional. They can't possibly be humble.
L. Christ Himself warned that genuine faith would become a rarity in the Last Days.
This is absolutely true. Scientific knowledge and high-speed Internet communications in our modern, advanced era have rendered obsolete the sort of "taking things on faith" that was common in earlier, more primitive times. Accordingly, upon report of any revivial taking place anywhere, everybody's sensible first reaction ought to be to regard it as entirely bogus. Nobody wants to be considered a fool by ever hoping otherwise. Skepticism is a sign of spiritual advancement. Cherish and nurture it.
M. Most of all, before all else, consult the experts.
Revivals are very dangerous things. Therefore, ordinary folks are well advised to never get near one without first consulting highly-trained experts with specialized credentials in the field of revivalology. Many of these experts do make their services available on the Internet free of charge. Finally, any true revival from God will conform to the rigorous standards and protocols as published by the Apistia Research Society of Experts†, an important international association of university-educated academicians who do nothing all day but study revivals. And for certain they know what they're talking about and you can completely trust them. Therefore, before all else, protect yourself and never do anything without expert assistance.
† Never accept anything that does not have on display the Official A.R.S.E. Certification of Revival Adherence to Protocols, a dependable seal of assurance.
Labels: parody, revivalology
