The Christian school that we had sent the girls to just didn't work out for us. So we are heading back into homeschooling this year. Not at all what we had planned but God knew. I'm waiting on Sky's school to get here so we can begin and Meadow and I are schooling away with what I had on hand from last year. She has new things coming too but I want to finish up where we had left off first.

I'm doing well. Trying so hard to change my focus even though I REALLY do NOT want to. I'm back on my diet and I'm working out and walking. Trying to occupy myself and not think so much about having another child and taking care of the girls that the Lord has blessed me with.

Pray for me to have direction. I want to pleasing to my Father. I can't wait to begin posting about our school days! I'm so excited!

Last month when the red stain showed I found myself naked on my knees in the shower with scalding hot water pouring on my back, in the dark, while I cried out to God with moans that came from the depths of my soul.

Pain.

Sometimes its so hard to bear.

The door opened and closed, I heard the shower curtain pull back, and my husband stepped in and slid down in the floor, into my darkness with me.

He wanted me to know I wasn't alone.

My oldest daughter is getting married in May.

My middle daughter is turning 13 in December.

My youngest daughter is 7.

I turned 37 last month.

This week my husband, Tony, asked me to wait until today to do a pregnancy test and he asked that we do it together. I don't know why that makes it harder but it does. It's sort of something I've always done alone. Sometimes it feels better to be alone so that you can deal with pain.

I peed in the cup and dipped the test in for 20 seconds. This month I purchased the digital kind that simply reads, "Pregnant or Not Pregnant." No games, no lines, no guessing.

As we laid together in the bed that I had climbed back into surrounding myself with mounds of comfort in my blankets, he asked me if we could pray. Yes, I told him, we can pray. He laid the test aside and He asked the Lord to hear our cry, to answer our prayer.

It touched my heart.

This month was a faith month for me. I've spoken life over my womb almost everyday. Here is a copy of a post that I saved in a draft on day 20.

I just have to confess this, I feel pregnant. I can't explain it but my stomach is feeling anything but normal. I know I'm over analyzing every feeling I'm having but I just had to say it! I feel pregnant!

As I laid in bed listening to my husband cry out to God for us, deep inside, I knew the answer already. I knew it yesterday when I purchased the test. I knew it was pointless but I had to carry on through the motions.

He lifted the test and we read.

Not Pregnant.

Our finances are drained. We aren't going forward with another month. I would if I had the money. I would go to the ends of the earth, no matter what the procedure and no matter what the cost if I could. We just don't have the sources. I will spend the next year or better paying for the treatments we have already had.

I know in my head all I have to be thankful for. But in the moments of despair I do feel as though God hates me.

I read that.

I read it again and I know how untrue it is. I know nothing could be further from the truth. I know His love for me is so great that He sent His Son to die on that old rugged cross to save my soul.

I have prayed for His will to be done and no matter what that is I have to be willing to accept it and move on.

I am most positive in the tomorrows to come I will find joy.

Meadow just came up behind me, clueless as to what I am going through, put her little arms around me, and said,

"Mommy?"

Yes Meadow.

"I love you."

I love you too Meadow.

Those are the sweetest words and I praise God that I get to hear them.

Today, I will have to go through the motions.

I need to focus so that I can Breathe.

Just breathe.

I'm so glad. Thank-you all for praying!

I've had a virus since Friday. I spent the day with diarrhea and vomiting, it was severe I might add. Sunday I thought I was better, I was weak but went to church. We had a long good day, but as soon as I got home I knew I had pushed myself too far, my stomach was achin and rolling. I've been up all night again, no rest and very tired.

Prayers are appreciated!

I've just been very busy and honestly haven't had a lot to blog about. I thought I would mention that my sil hasn't asked or let me keep Aiden in two weeks. I was looking at my pictures of him below and I really miss him. I'll bet he's growing up a storm. She mentioned that I may be able to keep him Monday. I hope so. I love having him here. He is such a doll!

The girls are faring pretty well in school. Sky has had a few incidents with two different girls and I have to admit it concerns me. After homeschooling for 7 years I'm in no way use to this and therefore have no experience in how to deal with it either. So far both situations have worked themselves out but I'm not a happy momma. I'm seriously considering bringing them back home the next school year. Of course its too early to be making these decisions now.

Things at church are going really well, I LOVE teaching my class. Tonight they all greeted me with so much love and excitement. They depend on me, and that feels good. They listen to me, and that amazes me! I love sharing Jesus with them. We are getting in gear to start the Christmas program and I'm praying about whether or not to help with this.

How are all of you?

The day before yesterday I noticed that Sandy (Sky's hamster) didn't have any food in her cage. So I opened her little cage and filled her bowl. I really enjoy giving her fresh fruits and veggies and how some nights she'll eat them out of my hand, but this night I was too tired, so I just filled her bowl and went to bed.

The next day Sky comes to me to inform me that Sandy is missing. She wanted to know if I had accidentally left her cage door open? Oh dear, yeppers, that would be me. I told her that Sandy's food bowl was empty and I was going to lecture her about that and Sky reassured me that she had filled Sandy's bowl that morning and that she was NOT going hungry. Oh dear.

Sooo...Sky pulled out her hamster book and read about how to catch her. The sad news is that they don't offer much hope in finding them. We put food out last night for her in Sky's room. Sky slept with us last night, yep, you heard that right, she slept with US! She was too freaked out by the idea that Sandy might climb the bed covers and sleep with her. So this morning when we enter the room, the food is gone.

Well I guess that is a good sign. At least we know she isn't too far off. Then around 11:00 o'clock this morning, Sky comes and gets dh and I and informs us that she can hear Sandy chewing behind her huge homemade American Girl dollhouse. (Did I mention that dh was totally against getting a hamster?) Of course dh orders us all into Sky's room, he wants this hamster caught! Inside I'm grinning so big. (I'm thinking, "only in my house!")

So I get a peach, um...I'm not sure if hamsters like peaches or not but its the only fruit in the house and I know Sandy loves fruit. Dh gets on one end of the dollhouse and I on the other, both of us armed with fresh pieces of peach.

Sandy goes to dh and takes a bite off of his peach only to run back to the center of the dollhouse where neither of us could reach her. Hmmmm Dh has a brilliant idea of getting the broom, so Sky, (terrified of the hamster) goes to get the broom. I put a small box on the floor, on my end of the dollhouse, with the peach inside and dh take the broom and scoots Sandy out from the other side and PLOOMP, into the box she goes!

Yay!!! We got her. I dumped her from the box back into her cage and made sure I closed the lid. Whew!

The thing is, are we going to keep her?? I don't mind cleaning her cage or feeding her out of my hand, but I can't seem to have enough calm to hold her. Sky is so afraid of her she won't hold her and I don't want Sandy to bite us. Dh of course wants Sandy gone. This episode was too much for him...sooooo

Do any of you ladies want a hamster?

thanks for your prayers! I truly felt and appreciate them.

We don't really have any big plans for the weekend. Sunday is my birthday and one of my best friends Kimmie is going to take me to see the new movie,"The Women" I'm so excited! I've watched a trailer of it online and it looks so funny and now is a good time for me to experience some humor. :)

Heaven is on a date with Matt tonight, (which is typical) Meadow is staying with her little friend Nikki, and Sky is in the late process of trying to find a friend to come here since she has the house to herself! Dh is in the bed early. I had a nap so I'll be a night owl again tonight! Ugh, so much for keeping schedules! :)

How about you? Plans for the weekend?

tomorrow. 9/26/08 Thanks sistas!

The girls are doing so well in school. Some days I'm so busy and others it seems I haven't a thing to do. Heaven and I went shopping and found her wedding dress, slip, bra, tiara and veil. I cannot believe my little girl is getting married. I believe earlier this year I was posting about having empty nest syndrome because she was going to be leaving for college. Now she will be attending the local community college for a couple of years before having to transfer out to finish her degree to teach English.

I have been debating what to do with myself, although I'm not 100% sure that I won't be homeschooling again next year, you just never know. I didn't start college at the Christian School as intended because of the classes. I thought it was a program that I could get a teaching certificate and a bible degree in so that I could teach in any Christian School but this one was bible classes only and wouldn't benefit me anywhere but there. I will be substituting though, actually I'll be teaching 4th grade tomorrow. I do love teaching. I wish our church would buy land and build a fully functioning Christian School. (I'm praying)

I have been contemplating going back to school to take the RN program. The thing that gets me is that I'll need at least 3 semesters of math and science before I can even apply to our local nursing schools. It will take me 4 years to finish, and that is if I passed all classes each semester and I passed the HESI test at the end of each semester. Here, even if you pass the semester, if you fail the HESI you must repeat that semester until you pass the HESI. I have a friend that failed the HESI twice and it took her an extra year to finish. That is a long time and a long commitment. Especially due to the high demand. I'm almost 37 and they only accept a limited # of students each year with a portion being given first to those just graduating and those that are already LPNs. I'd hate to take 2 years of prerequisites only to have to wait even longer to get in.

I investigated attending our local Tech College, the one I graduated from before, I could finish a degree in Medical Assisting in about a year. This would be my fastest option but I called several local Dr.s offices and they don't recommend it. In our area MA's aren't hardly used at all and I would have to travel to have a job. I'm an hour away from three different larger cities that would employ MA's so I'm hesitant to go that route also. Pay start out isn't that high either and with gas prices I just don't see the benefit.

Decisions, decisions.

That and trying to plan a wedding. I really haven't a clue where to start. Right now the big question is where? They want an outside wedding and not a typical church wedding so that greatly limits me. Pray the Lord show us the perfect place to hold a wedding in this beautiful county we live in.

Other than that all is well on the homefront. Oh, other than Roxy. She will be one in November and she still is NOT potty trained. She is in a crate and she is being taken outdoors, I also have pee pads down inside and she uses those too, BUT she still continues to poop and pee in the girls bedrooms. I'm getting to my wits end with her. We all spend lots of time with her, we even took training classes and I've read two books. Nothing is working. I've contemplated trying to find another home for her. That breaks all of our hearts but we just don't know what else to do. sigh...

Matt proposed to Heaven today! I just got the phone call. I knew it was coming because Matt had requested to have dinner with Tony last week and he asked Tony if he could have his daughter's hand in marriage. Tony gave his blessings, even though we do feel she is really young. I believe a late spring/early summer wedding is planned. I have so many mixed feelings , but at the same time, I'm really happy for them. Well, not much time, just wanted to share the news.