Isaiah Twenty Eight

And then there's the subject of ANGER...

Ask any grief specialist and they'll tell you that feelings of anger we have to work through during the grieving process are most certainly valid & justified. In fact, I would dare say as a "born again" Believer that feelings of anger are perfectly right. Frankly, anybody who says otherwise, is deluding themselves, ignorant of God's character and how He expresses Himself through the Scriptures, or just plain lying. I'll actually go as far to say that it's good to be angry--livid even--Such feelings are perfectly RIGHT--we're supposed to be angry at sin & death! The Scriptures say, "Be ye angry and sin not." It does NOT say that we should not be angry, but rather it says we need to be careful with how we resolve our valid anger. I would even venture to say that in the midst of being righteously angry at death, it's often a big challenge not to be angry with God for allowing the longsuffering of death to continue--especially when innocent little babies are swept up into the heartbreaking consequences of Adam's Curse. I think we have to somehow get to that place where we can "forgive" God -- and no, I don't think it's irreverent or blasphemous to contemplate such a notion (though I don't know as if God really needs forgiving for disciplining His children and setting the rules of life & death in motion). For me, it's been in the struggles of "forgiving" God (i.e. submitting myself to all that He leaves unanswered) that I've been able to re-embrace how much He forgives me. Through that I've been able to channel that righteous anger at death rather than at God. And yes, I do believe that such anger is righteous anger--death is completely & totally wrong and we're supposed to be angry with it. It's the coping with it on a human level that's so challenging--especially when so MANY "well-meaning" crooners have no earthly idea of the emotional turmoil that accompanies a baby death (let alone TWO). So such naysayers actually incinuate that God is "happy" that my babies died??? Truth is, God is just as heartbroken as I am--He weeps over death & suffering even more than I do. So how dare the "well-meaning" actually infer that I'm somehow supposed to be "happy" that my children are dead.

And then they respond with things like, But they're not dead; they're with God and it's a good & wonderful thing. Great! Then lets send your kids there to be with Him too. Let's see how YOU handle the lonely heartbreak--would you cry tears like I do, or would you jump up & down with joy like you EXPECT ME TO??? How dare you imply that my faith is lacking because I'm angry at death and they who caused it unnecessarily. How dare you wag your finger at me because I weep at my childrens' graves for missing them. No one believes more in the Good News of Resurrection more than ME! No one "rejoices" in the reality of heaven more than ME! But in this human state that I'm born into here on earth, my heart is shattered and tattered. And I think I'm doing a pretty damned good job of holding it all together in light of all that's happened!

So to they who shake their heads and wring their hands over how I've handled my grief--how would YOU handle YOUR anger if doctors had been instrumental in the untimely demise of your girls? Are not humans responsible for their actions? Are we not commanded not to kill? Are the doctors not culpable for the sin of death that they inflicted upon the lives of my daughters??? I mean, how would YOU handle YOUR anger if they who would be Godly, church-going people made YOU feel like a miserable failure; made you feel pathetic for being dropped to your knees? We've had "well-meaning" people pull in off the busy street that runs past the cemetery. They've parked their cars and approached us with tracts in hand making it perfectly clear that they saw us as pitiful & pathetic as we tended to the flowers we have planted at our children's gravesites. These people feel perfectly justified in the invading of our privacy because they see their tactlessness as a noble attempt at "witnessing" to the "apparent lost." One such tract explained that the soul is NOT eternal--that the soul dies when the body dies--the soul does NOT go to heaven to be in the safe arms of Jesus--its dead in the casket along with the corpse. The tract quoted a couple of vague & out of context Bible verses trying to "prove" the point that when we're dead, we're dead--just like the athiests believe. The tract went on to say that the "good news" is that maybe, just maybe, a few chosen souls would be resurrected upon Jesus' return--that none of us knew which ones were chosen, but that we could "HOPE" we were one of the few that are. I was dumbfounded as to why anyone would waste their time on such a futile and hopeless religion. That's not Good News! That's not what people like Paul, Peter, James and John spent their lives teaching. And it's certainly not what Jesus taught.

Frankly, the notion that our souls died along with our bodies made me frantic and exasperated. I spent the next couple of weeks combing through my Bible coming up with DOZENS of passages that refute their proposition--dozens upons dozens of passages that prove that any can be saved who ask to be, and that we can be completely assured of salvation and the eternal soul. Sure, it's true that the souls of my girls and their bodies are separated for a time. But when Jesus returns He will arrive bringing with Him all the souls He held in safety, and "the dead in Christ shall rise first"--their souls and their perfected bodies will be reunited for the next wonderful chapter in His Story. Oh the "christians" who forget the words of Jesus Himself as He speaks in John's gospel, "Marvel not at this: for the hour is coming in which all that are in the graves shall hear His voice and shall come forth--they that have done good unto the resurrection of life, and they that have done evil unto the resurrection of damnation." And it's been to my deepest comfort that the Lord has led me to passages nearly every day that reaffirm the eternal soul and the guaranteed seal of the Holy Spirit. In my distress, He assures me that the "Good News" is that "though we may die, we always live in Him...that those who have died in Christ are among the living saints who live to intercede on my behalf."

So yeah; anger--it's not just for sinners. It's also for the righteous who are incensed by the impact of sin & death upon our world. It's for the righteous who are devastated by the likes of a sinful & wicked humanity--for the injustice that this world often exudes! Were not the priests & Levites accountable for their abandonment as they crossed the road to avoid the beaten & battered man left in the gutter to die alone??? Which one of YOU has been s a good Samaritan as you've clucked your tongues and wagged your fingers in judgement of my angry & sorrowful expressions of grief??? Which one of YOU has patiently tended to my wounds and brokenness??? How many of YOU have felt justified as you tossed the first stone in your assertion that I'm faithless--and unsaved???

Excuse the crap out of me, but I'm screaming mad that a bunch of high-priced, over-paid jackasses didn't do anything to save my baby girl--a daughter that I had waited over 17years to have. Doctors give us all this bullshit about how important pre-natal care is, and how vital monitoring is to the health & well-being of the child---yea? well where were they the day Abigail's NST showed clear and frightening signs that she was in critical distress??? They left me sitting in the waiting room for nearly four hours trying to find a stupid doctor to answer their pager. The baby failed her NST, what should we do??? And when the retard doctor finally answered the page, it was a guy who had NEVER met me, NEVERE seen my file, and didn't really care. It was late in the day--it was quitting time--so he had the nurse--who also had never met me; who also had never seen my file; and who also didn't give a crap--send me home instead of trying to save my baby's life. And then when I came back for the follow-up--when they discovered that my little girl had suffocated to death--they tried to blame me. Yea, well screw YOU--where were YOU, Dr. Asshole??? How much did you bill me for all those fucking ultrasounds and NST monitoring sessions??? I think it's total bullshit that YOU get to move on with your tropical vacations and your gated-community lifestyle--leaving me in the dumpster of YOUR crappy medical care; leaving my child in a deep hole under a patch of weed-riddled sod. You don't even remember me or my baby girl. And what's worse, you actually think you're free & clear--your state license and medical degree removes any culpabilty for your bad judgement an indifference. I think it's total crap that you were legally allowed to kill my child and ruin my life. You're no different than any other scumbag murderer--except for the fact that you're much more arrogant.

Yes, I'm outrageously angry about that--I'll always be outrageously angry about that! Will I ever see justice on this side of heaven? Probably not. But like King David, in my righteous anger , I turn vengeance over to the Lord. I implore Him to take up Abigail's cause--meting out perfect justice on they who murdered her. I do the same for they who cast aside my little Anne like she was a weed in the garden not worthy of watering. They who robbed her of basic medication; a basic shot at life--they are no different than the drunk who deludes himself into thinking he can drive--how dare they determine that my living child wasn't worthy of helping. They think they did what they could; they think they did what was "right"--but my child was worthy of so much more than their pathetic indifference. And thus once again, I give vengeance over to the Lord of my salvation. He knows the hearts & motives of man--and judges accordingly with His perfect justice. And like the passage in Hebrews says, "It's a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the Living God."

I don't have energy to remain angry at all they who have abandoned me through the journey. I know that God will hold them in account as well. I know that like the priests & Levites, they have crossed the road of my affliction so as to keep up with the shallow comforts and carelessness of the American dream. I know that they have failed to hear God's commission--missing some vital opportunities to be faithful servants & ministers to the wounded & broken hearted. I know exactly what Jesus meant when He said, "In as much as ye have done it unto one of the least of these, My brethren, ye have done it unto Me." See, my affliction of desperate grief has been in many ways a calling to the Body to visit the captured prisoner; to clothe the raw nakedness of my shattered life; to soothe the desert of my thirst as my cup overflows with the saline of my tears. When I contemplate it deeply, I can heartily proclaim that my sorrows are deeper for them than for myself. To be certain, I may have failed my daughters to their detriment here on earth, but my acquaintences within the Body of Christ have failed the very "least of these" --and that's such a greater failing in the long run.

Ultimately, the only prayer I pray now is for God's mercy to abound in my life, and for my ability to extend His mercy to they who are so UN-deserving. I'll admit that I spend far too much time confessing my failures in my attempts at forgiveness. Verily I can proclaim that He Who began a good work in me is faithful to carry it out all the way to its completion. And to be certain, this excruciatingly painful journey has served to prove & reinforce that His grace truly is sufficient...

Goodness! Have I really not been here since June? I suppose the move, the reorganization, health problems, etc have all done their best to keep me from the computer. I need to work on some more lessons. I did get my Experiencing God workbook out, so that's some progress. I look forward to a long cozy winter whereby I can devote more of myself to my studies. I should call my devotions Lessons From My Broken Knees: a comparative study between knee failure and fervent prayer.

Anyway, so much has transpired between June and mid-December that there's not enough time to write about it all at once. I'll just say that the move really altered much of my life. Putting it all back together in an organized fashion has been challenging, yet productive. I'm looking forward to winter and the growth that will take place throughout the hybernation period.

http://news.aol.com/topnews/articles/_a/a-move-for-birth-certificates-for/20070522114509990002
This is the sort of crap that sends my grieving heart into the Netherworld of despair. Be sure to read the "post thoughts" when you're through with the article. To say that people suck is an understatement!

A short digression: I'm so humiliated that I live in the state Gov. Richardson represents. He's such an ignorant ass! He vetoed the bill because of fraud potential. Oh sure, I can see stillbirth fraud being a green card/immigration problem of national security proportions. I can also see it being a welfare fraud problem to the hilt--these are the issues that plague this part of the country, so he should know the problem very well. But the real problem isn't fraud as much as it's the fact that he's running for president. He's beg, bribing and stealing from every pro-abortion constituent that he can get to back him up. He's a loathsome criminally-based man who will never get my vote.

Gov. Richardson aside, the birth certificate thing has pissed me off ever since Abigail died and she was denied basic personhood. She does not exist as a legal person. Oh she has a legal deed of land ownership from the Capitol City--watermarked, and gold sealed. It's her officially sealed document of land ownership issued by the state perpetual care laws. It's a document that says, my daughter legally owns the hole she'd planted in, but she didn't exist as a legal person. The bottom line is that she can NOT exist as a person, it would challenge everything Roe v Wade stands for.

I've heard many people try to argue that it's not about abortion rights. They claim that it's about validation, legalization, and human respect for our babies. One stillbirth mom even asked, why is it so damn much to ask that our babies are recognized for who they are as human beings?

"Why?..."
...because you see, if our babies get recognized as human beings; as the sweet precious babies they are, then theirs must get the same recognition as well. You can not legally terminate or abort a pregnancy in which there is a person, a human being. So to pass useful legislation in favor of our unborn babies very much threatens their agenda, and they WILL NOT have that agenda threatened. In effect, we stillbirth moms and our dead children lose our rights so they can have theirs.
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That's the bottom line; and I hate to say this, but it's NEVER going to change--read the "post thoughts" to the NYT article and you'll be exposed to a plethora of horrid ideas from people who will see to it that it will never change. Medical lobbyists will make sure abortive freedom never changes. The ideas submitted to the post illustrate what I've known since the day after Abigail died: that by and large there's no sympathy for dead babies in our culture.
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In fact, the reason why our grief gets overlooked and minimized on a social level is because most in our culture don't see the loss of a baby as a valid loss--not when our culture rabidly EXPECTS entitlement to abortion on demand into the 2nd trimester, and all the way into the 3rd trimester if "medical necessity" is present. I mean, women will fight like vicious dogs for their right to kill the unborn--how can we even begin to present an alternative to a mother who's determined to kill her own child?
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Sadly, our culture has completely desensitized themselves into believing that a human pregnancy is just "tissue"--it's not really human. It's not a human being until it breathes or has artificial respiration in the NICU. And many, even in the so-called "JudeoChristian" realm, fight tooth & nail that there is no soul until the first breath. I had this very debate with a woman not long after Abigail died. She was adamant that the soul didn't exist within the human body until the baby breathed--many were they who agreed with her.
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Well, Abigail never breathed and therefore apparently had no soul. It's absolutely crushing that in the eyes of many, she was merely biological waste. That's certainly all she was to the doctors who theoretically cared for her prior to her birth.
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So according to most in this "live & let live" world of ours, not only was my child NOT considered a certified person, but she apparently isn't in heaven either since she had no soul. She's just biological waste that needs no certification or recognition because she never even was. Then why am I held in bondage to the state laws that require me to turn her remains over to the cemetery? Why can I not bury her where I want to like I would with our family cat?
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And why should their abortionistic worldview be allowed to plop all over my grieving heart without so much as batting an eye??? what makes their rights greater than mine?
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I'm sorry, but I'm a female. My daughters were female. But we apparently had our female rights stripped of us so another woman could have the right to abortion on demand. I'm sorry, but that's a grievous nightmare that I do NOT have to be supportive of.
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No where in my Bible does it say I have to compromise all that's decent and godly in order to support a woman who chooses to kill her child rather than giving the issue over to God and allowing HIM to be sovereign. To trust a doctor more than God is blasphemy, and God said thou shalt not kill--even if your doctor uses amnio and ultrasound to predict a gloomy future. Do you know how many mis-diagnoses are made every day? Are you really willing to put your child's life on the line with that much reasonable doubt in place? I'm sorry, but I can not support you if you can.
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And then I get a rock pile thrown at me when I dare say anything against the fallibility of medicine and medical equipment; against such feministic tyranny--I get this "how dare I "judge" crap thrown back at me...
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Yea well, how dare I have to walk in my victimized shoes for the rest of my life, while such murderers go free! How dare I have to give up all my rights, and my children had to give up their rights in order for the abortionists to have theirs!
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Ironically, I see quite eye to eye with this portion of the NYT article:

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But you're right as rain that I want medical accuracy in certified death documents, and I want naturally occurring stillbirths made totally distinct from the late term abortion. You see, I don't want a 2nd trimester abortion getting a birth/death certificate that says: cause of death=trisomy 18 (or whatever the disease was that prompted the parents to end the child's life early). Said baby didn't die of trisomy 18 if he/she was aborted prior to term did they? NO. So if a pregnancy is ended volunatarily it should be certified as such so as to prevent medical skewing of vital medical information that could ultimately undermine research for any given prenatal disease.
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Moreover, one of the aggravating things about the MISSing Angels bill is that it does absolutely nothing to insist on medically accurate information in the certification of life &/or death of a preborn child. I don't need a piece of paper for my scrapbook. I need accurate vital records across the nation so that researchers can begin to confront SADS and birth defect trends. I want to see nothing but research-grade certified records so we can start to do something about the crisis level of stillbirths in this country; so we can learn more about the causes of IUFD (intrauterine fetal demise).
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Otherwise, the certificates are nothing more than a crock of crap. And while I'm quite fond of winged babies on a sentimental level, my personal beef with the MISSing Angels bill is that it's offensive to my faith. My children are fully human, they are NOT angels. Furthermore, they are NOT missing--God has them written in His Book of Life, and I KNOW they play with Jesus in the butterfly meadows of heaven's grandeur. In some respects, I think the MISSing Angels bill does little more than stuff a sock in the mouth of a dismayed mother who is already dumbfounded by her stillbirth experience. Give her a certificate, that will shut up her questions as to why her prenatal care was so deceptively lacking; give her a momento, it will distract her from asking why her doctor isn't held more accountable for her baby's cause of death--especially in light of the incredible cost for prenatal care and the surprising rise in valid malpractice situations???
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Yes, oddly enough I'm rather on the side of the Planned Parenthood attorney, in that I don't really care if stillbirth is certified or legally recognized on paper unless they can make sure they separate the natural stillbirths from the voluntary abortions. I want medically accurate certificates--if a baby dies naturally in the womb then trisomy 18 can be noted as the cause of death (or whatever illness it had prenatally). But if the baby was pre diagnosed with trisomy 18 and a 2nd trimester induction was the real & actual cause of death, then that baby didn't die of trisomy 18. The appropriate cause of death (voluntary pregnancy termination) MUST be noted as such in order to be accurate & true to the trisomy 18 death rate statistics.
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I mean, doctors run around telling patients that trisomy 18 is 100% fatal. Sure it is when 98% of those prenatal diagnoses are terminated prior to birth. And yet what an inaccurate statement to make when there are hundreds of thousands LIVING with trisomy 18 around the world. What an inaccurate statement to counsel patients toward making a decision to terminate. What an outrageous way to corrupt vital statistics and medical records. What an unethical means of developing medical policies that then deny basic medical coverage to the living trisomy 18 patient who is overcoming the disease.
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There's a couple of cases I know of presently whereby the parents have chosen to end their child's life. If they get death certificates that claim that their babies died of xyz ailment, then those that actually LIVE with that ailment are thereby brushed into the medical corners of ethical disregard. Research becomes tainted by inaccurate death rates, and medical policies for treatment of those who live with the condition is critically compromised. I know this because I've lived the medical politics for myself.
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It infuriates me that the abortionist side always has more power & influence. Even today I read a post on a thread whereby a woman had decided to end her pregnancy mid-2nd trimester. Lots of support for the abortion, but any information for a pro-life alternative was clearly forbidden in the attitudes of the pro-abortionists who posted.
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In fact, a random poster made the simple & hopeful point that she knew a 14year old person who was alive and well, living with the same condition as the baby who was slated for the slaughterhouse. The poster was merely offering a bit of hopeful information that doctors are not always right, and that some people can & do live good lives in spite of the doom & gloom the doctors illustrate. The poster was very kind and heartfelt, and to me it sounded like a slice of hope that I would have wanted to hear in my time of fearful struggle.
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And yet another pro-abortion person interjected and flat out told the supportive poster to bugger off--the pro-abortionist stood on her soap box and said that the kind, hopeful info about those who live only made it worse, and that those who make such decisions have a right to make the decision without the added cruelty of guilt tactics.
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HUH???? EXCUSE ME??? I think some people are so insanely rabid for their "right" to kill the unborn that they don't even hear the crap that comes out of their mouths. The double-minded ethic makes me insane! There's a whole group of women rallying for this woman to kill her baby, and one person stops in and makes even the slightest suggestion that there might be hope, and fangs lash out. Truly people suck worse than they even know.
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypocratic_oath
And yet I thought it was the Hypocratic ideology that said a doctor was to support life, and never compromise his craft in favor of death. The Hypocratic Oath specifically speaks against abortion. And yet the AMA teaches a pro-choice ethic--what's up with that?
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So anyway, in separating & certifying the natural stillbirths from the voluntary abortions, how many on the abortionist side would insist that it wouldn't be "fair" that the terminated baby should then have a death certificate appropriately certifying the accurate cause of death as a voluntary preganacy termination (which, boohoo, my insurance won't cover unless the baby dies naturally). They want their cake & eat it too; they want a death certificate that says their baby died of xyz ailment, and yet their baby DID NOT die of xyz ailment. And those who LIVE with xyz ailment shouldn't have to forego decent medical statistics just to absolove a terminating parent of their guilt. And yet you know the abortionists get all the rights & benefits thereto, and people like me are just mean, heartless, and judgmental.
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And like I haven't had the same mean, heartless, judgmental crap thrown at me in my stillbirth and birth defected experiences-- me & my so-called biological waste with no soul (who looked the spitting image of her mama). Or how 'bout my trisomy 18 baby who who tried to live but they brushed her off as not even worthy of a $4 bottle of cardiac medicine. They judged her as unworthy of life, so they brushed her off for dead before she really was. And yet somehow I'm the heartless one because I rally for life rather than supporting the terrifying & painful process of early induction. How dare a parent claim to care about their sick baby's suffering and then put the baby through the painful horror of early induction. They never stop to think that nature never inflicts as much suffering as the hand of man does. But I'm the mean one!
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No, I'm not mean or heartless or judgmental. I'm a grieving mother who has been forced into extra grievance thanks to the fact that the abortionists have all the rights, all the laws, and medical & cultural ethos on their side. I've born more grief than most will ever know in a lifetime, and yet somehow I'm supposed to be supportive of they who stand against everything I believe in.
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What part of "thou shalt not kill" isn't clear? What Bible verses do they read that says I'm supposed to throw away God's sovereignty in that command in order to support prenatal homicide? Clearly, the world has gone mad in their expectations, ideologies and practices.
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I'm content to know that it's just the agony of the Refiner's Fire. It's no small thing to "come out from among them and be ye separate." I'm reminded that Paul implores us to "be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind," and again he reiterates to "put on the mind of Christ."
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It's no wonder the way the world thinks creates havoc & unrest within my mind. I'm not supposed to think like them. I'm supposed to come away from them full throttle. Oh they tell me not to judge as if Jesus was some sort of pro-abortionist, singing John Lennon songs. They take the one passage where Jesus says not to judge lest ye be judged, but they totally miss the context in which Jesus made that statement. They also fail to recollect all the Scriptures that tell us to be spiritually discerning in order to avoid they who are of a deceptive & ungodly worldview--how many times does Paul say, "I don't want you to be ignorant?" He even tells us not to take a meal with they who are unrepentant and worldly in their thinking.
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So tell Paul "not to judge" and leave me alone. And for the record, I don't judge individuals--that's God's job. But i am commanded & required by Scripture to judge ideologies and practices which are not grounded upon Scriptural Truth (or any sort of lie a woman will tell herself in order to rationalize her intent to murder her child).
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Never ever does Scripture command me to be supportive of such ideologies & practices which are so counter-biblical. To do so makes me a whitewashed sepulchre (says Jesus); double minded in all my ways (says James); an anti-christ (says John). I am commanded to do what I can to save a sinner from making an unsalvageable error. If my gentle & compassionate presentation of life-giving options is considered being "judgemental" then so be it.
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The abortionistic world can judge me all they want in return, but know this: I'm only caring for the eternal value of a baby who was created by God. Doctors & parents alike may see the child as nothing but a suffering defect. But the child is a gift from God. The Master Himself has chosen some of us to care for a very special gift; it's a test of sorts; an opporutnity to go deeper into life & love, beyond the borders of the typical--to kill such a gift is like keeping the oyster and throwing away the pearl...
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but this is how the world thinks, and why we are called to rise above that worldview and be transformed in the renewing of our minds...

I'm so slow at getting things done. My writing falls behind, my artwork falls behind... I feel rusty and ragged. I'm trapped under the suffocating weight of a beautiful Persian carpet--I know it's beautiful on the other side, but I feel like I'm trapped under the rubble of my life just struggling to survive.

I struggle with God over the vast injustice in the world; I struggle with ill-heath & feeling like crap all the time; I struggle in marriage. I struggle with those who claimed to be my friend, and yet in reality they dropped me down a deep pit and left me for dead. I struggle with those who think of abortion as a viable answer. I struggle in a deep place of loneliness. I struggle with grasping this "light yoke" concept that Jesus promises to us--the reward for they who are weary and take up His yoke...

Lord, am I doing something wrong? Of course not my child; you are merely hurting under the duress of Adam's Curse. Of course, how is one supposed to feel or behave in the face of such a rubbled life? I think of Rachel who begged Jacob for a baby lest she die--and in the end she did... And then I think of Nehemiah who sat down and sobbed as he assessed the devastation of his beloved City--God's Temple defiled & desecrated seemingly beyond repair... Nehemiah illustrates his character like Superman in how he picked himself up, took on His Yoke, and proclaimed that the Joy of the Lord was his strength... they repaired, rebuilt, restored, and rededicated...

I guess I'm just in the midst of my wilderness experience right now. I think on Elijah who was so depressed over the state of things that he wished he were dead. I think of how he was fed by angels and ravens through the exhaustion of his wilderness experience. Elijah was a powerful man of God, but he was not without duress. He was not spared a profound wilderness experience in which to grow his faith. He illustrates that no child of God can avoid the wilderness. Ya know Lord, I could sure use some of that angel's food though...

http://vickienadine.blogspot.com/

My own heart is sorely distressed--not so much because of my girls, but because of my son. He's quite ambitious in his expression of anger & rage, and I'm typically the recipient of his great displeasure (whether I'm to blame or not). In truth, Ben needs to be put out of our home, but I have no idea how to do such a thing. I'm weary to the depths of my core. It is a sad ending to motherhood's journey when your only child is nearly 21 years old and has virtually no ambition to pursue anything.

Well, that's not exactly true. He eagerly waits to turn 21 so he can pursue the plethora of saloons in town. My heart is a shambles over my incredible failures as a mother & teacher -- all that I have invested in him by way of education and Biblical worldview has yielded little more than a fledgling alcoholic. At least I can rest content that my daughters will never curse God so venomously; they will never end up in porn videos, and they certainly won't ever wake up screaming unmentionable obscenities at me.

Truth be told, Ben has been wicked mean to me ever since Abigail died, and he only got meaner after Anne died. This last month of April--especially the week of her birthday--his meanness level has been at an all-time high. He had a raging tirade at me last week where I thought for sure I'd need some sort of state official to intervene. I worry that he will become one of the countless thousands who will not turn back to God until he's in a prison cell, having done something in a fit of rage that can never be undone.

God has put me in a place where all I can do is pray, and yet I have no idea what to pray for. I told Ben yesterday that all I want is to be able to rest in my grave knowing that he can take care of himself properly and that he knows His Lord & Savior so that he will be with me again in heaven. All I want is to know that all my children will be with me in eternity. Some times he seems to truly grasp that, and other times he's as oppressive as Kaiser Wilhelm....

I just feel so ashamed of how things have turned out with him. It's like I can hear God whisper to my heart, "why should I have let you have those two wonderful princesses when you obviously didn't do well with the one opportunity you were given." I know that's the devil trying to undermine what's left of me, but still... It's so hard.

Most kids want to go to college or some sort of vocational training. I have no idea how to inspire my child to move beyond his stagnant place. I've presented our anger mgt training materials again & again & again. I've begged him to take his medical pkg from work and look into antidepressants (he's lost that job now, so he has no medical coverage--plus he was furiously adamant about not going that route). I've emplored him to reconsider school. I've asked him repeatedly to find a roommate and move out--sink or swim on his own dime and then maybe he'd appreciate all his parents really are in terms of protection.

I just want him to get a goal and pursue it. My biggest fear is that, like Cain, his goals will involve great detriment to his future, and that I will put him in the cemetery too. Truly I have cried as many tears for him as I have for my girls.

To be certain, I know what Eve must have felt as she contended with Cain--her good child dead & in the ground, while her bad child wanders around cursing God and making alliance with the wickedness of the world...

My son is not yet at the place where the next verse continues: "And when he came to himself..." He yet wrestles with Cain's mindset where he's adamant that the world oews him something (for nothing). He is angry that God, parents and society continue to remind him that he must invest in hard work, generosity, compassion, gratitude, humility, etc. He is profane in his response. He is angry that God and parents are right in their expectations. Ultimately, God had to banish Cain from his family. At least the prodigal son had motivation to go and pursue his selfish life. My son doesn't even have ambition to be the prodigal. I fear what God has in store for him in the way of disciplinary lessons! Please Lord, bless him & keep him; make Your face to shine on him and be gracious to him; make Your countenance shine upon him and give him peace...

I've heard it said from several pastoral teachings over the years that the primary difference between the Pharisees and the Sadducees was their belief in the Resurrection. The Pharisees believed in the Resurrection whereas the Sadducees did not--and that's why they were sad you see...

I was "born again" many years ago. I'd grown up in a Lutheran tradition, and Sunday school had been a way of life for most of my growing up years. But it wasn't until the early '90's when the Light of the Holy Spirit rested upon me and opened my heart. I hungered for the Word, and the Lutheran traditions that I had known left me literally starved for more of Him. I pursued Bible study like many pursue their PhD's. Truly I came to understand what the psalmist meant when he said, "taste and see that the Lord is good..." I was ravenous for the depth & purity of His Word without the maskings of a liberal church agenda. Lutherans don't study the Bible as much as they study books written by man about the Bible.

So we changed churches and I was baptized. Our Lutheran church had refused to do such a thing since I'd been baptized as a baby. That had been fine for my parents as a dedication, but now I was an adult and felt dramatically led to profess my own dedication to the Lord--just like Jesus had done in the Jordan. I became fervently involved with BSF for over a decade (Bible Study Fellowship, Intl., an interdenominational seven-year course of in-depth study). Their method of studying the Bible is one of the very best I've ever come across, and truly the Living Word of God came to life for me as I poured myself into each year-long study.

We were studying the history of Israel and the minor prophets the year I was pregnant with Abigail. Abigail got her name from that study--several of King David's relatives and one of his wives had that name. It was a common Hebrew name for a girl since it means "the father's joy." And truly she was our joy.

That joy has since turned to mourning as she was a corpse when I finally got to meet her. That profound weekend of "giving birth to death" brought the Scriptures to life in a way I'd never imagined. And tho a huge part of me died with her that weekend, another part of me was "born again" again. Never in all my life of Sunday school, Bible study or church attendance was I prepared to meet Adam's Curse face to face. Never in all my life had my need for a Saviour, a Rescuer, a Redeemer ever been so necessary. I'd never been so sorry about anything in my entire life as when I embraced her lifeless body. My flesh had failed her; my doctors had failed her; Adam's Curse had inflicted itself upon her and I was powerless to stop it or fix it. Only He could make such wrong right again, and planting her boxed up body in the cold frozen ground made Resurrection take on a whole deeper reality.

Since then, I've come to know the graveside quite intimately. Adam's Curse took my next daughter too--a totally different medical reason; the lottery's luck of a double-strike of lightening that none of us saw coming. The journey of giving my children back to the Giver has wrought with it no small amount of anguish. In fact, many parts of this scurged life have been sheer torture as I struggle through the grief. But praise God, I am not like the Sadducees...

For years, I've collected crowns: vintage brooches mostly. They represent cheap taudry examples of the awesome crowns we will inherit when we sit with Jesus at His Right Hand. I also have a crown of thorns, much like the one the soldiers plaited for Jesus as He stood trial before Pilate. My experiences with my babies deaths have brought to life that we must first wear our crown of thorns before we can wear our crowns of glory. There is a reason why the Church refers to the Passover slaughter of our Lord as "Good" Friday. It is "good" that we have this life stripped from us; it is "good" that we have our hearts focused heavenward--that where our treasure is there our hearts will be also...



It was Passover 2005 that we got the finishing touches done on the nursery. Abigail's crib had been in our storage shed waiting for such a moment as when we could rejoice in another baby coming into our lives. We spoke of the hope that we had when we put the crib away, and if we ever imagined we would ever know such happiness as putting it up again. We prayed over the crib and the nursery area; dedicating baby Anne to God and asking Him to prevent the Angel of Death from coming to us again; we prayed specifically that death would pass over our home. We asked for His favor and goodness as we welcomed our new baby into our lives. We prayed over her clothes--things that had been for Abigail; things that were new just for her. We took pictures of her special nursery area, and then we took pictures of ourselves--commemorating the final days of my round pregnant body. We loved her intensely; we loved Abigail and her absent presence. We wept for the love & hope that we longed for the Lord to restore to us. Little did we know what the Lord had planned for us just a handful of days later...

Truly I am grateful that the Lord took me through all those years of Bible studies before He took me to the cemetery--all those years of book learning put into real life application... It's been hard; very hard. But the profoundness of the journey has been astounding; and to be certain, I cannot fault Him for giving me such a plethora of gifts.

This Passover and Resurrection season I've been very sad, but the promise of Resurrection gave rejoicing to my sorrowed heart. It is Adam's Curse that makes me sad; beholding it up-close & personal has been beyond agonizing. But Messiah's Victory makes me very very glad. Thank you Lord, for your all-sufficient grace...