Oh, lookie. This is a draft from last month I worked on but never posted, which says basically the same thing about the gabbing on and on thing I just posted a minute ago. Hmm. It's not finished, and I've revised some of my thinking, but I'll throw it out here for general discussion.

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I've been quiet for a bit, just stopped talktalktalk-ing about my life to the world at large (well, ya'll. and my counselor. and accountability partner. and phone-a-friend lay counselor. I just got sick of blahblahblahing. It happens).

I just sort of hid away and tried to just be for a bit. That's hard too, b/c my judgment is wonky (I think) without people to bounce things off of, and yet no one can really know my life except God, me, and The Husband. And the kidlets, inasmuch as they can know.

I read somewhere (and may have posted this before) about living with pain in your life, that you just have to be still sometimes because if you flail around in it, the blades of pain will only cut deeper. I am a master flailer; my emotions have had me spinning around for years in my pain, just letting the blades do more damage.

So I stopped for a bit. And am regrouping.

And I am probably having some kind of annotated mid-life crisis, because I hated turning 40 last year. It really doesn't matter that I don't look 40, and co-workers/friends are constantly shocked that I am this age. I hate being 40 and feeling trapped and stuck and unhappy and regretful of most of my life. I feel gypped, I told God the other day. No surprise to Him, but I'm attempting to be more honest with Him about the Ugly.

Labels: introspection, life in stepford