The Diary of a Geek in Oxfordshire

One highly-amusing outcome of the current shenanigans is the way it's brought the conspiracy theorists out from their lead-lined bunkers, blinking mole-like in the bright light of a sun they rarely see.

I present, for your amusement, education and edification, a small selection of recent comments regarding the banking crisis from our tinfoil-capped brethren:

Quote 1:
The Global elite have the polititians in their pockets they are gonna rape you for everything you have. Then try and set up a global banking system to enslave you and destroy your nations independance.
Quote 2:
Our financial collapse has been engineered by forces we know little about and collectively do not understand. Cameron however clearly knows them well and understands them perfectly. As does also Vince Cable, Gordon Brown and Tony Blair. Where else, but the mother of modern democracy, could one better demonstrate to the ENTIRE WORLD that the illusionary sham, that is representative democratic government has been finally put out of its agony?
Quote 3:
It is the British EMPIRE's renegade banking fraternity who are behind this utter chaos in the financial sewage system...If we can stop them or seriously slow them down for a while, they will start to lose control, and we will be finally free from their satanic clutches.

Absolutely brilliant. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Greater-Spotted Net Kook, straying far from his normal habitat to grace us with the brilliance of his intuition and attempting to show us lesser mortals what only they can see and warn of. They do, however, provide great material for my Bloggeries.

It's not normally my habit to feed the Trolls, but let's just take a look at these beliefs and dissect them a little, shall we? We might even have a little fun on the way....

Let's imagine for a moment that I'm not an ordinary peon, but that I am, in fact, a senior and elite financier with superlative Masonic connections, political ties and a hotline to the Rothschilds. I eat at all the right dinner parties, and the head of Bilderberg is on my speed dial (or rather my PA's speed-dial, of course).

Now of course, I share the same purpose as my plutocrat comrades - total world domination and ownership of absolutely everything, from major industry down to those shoes you bought from Oxfam last week. However, I of course want to keep this secret from the proles.

Now, which course would I choose?

Will I choose Option A: ensure that sufficient virtual credit is washing around the system to keep the humble masses in flat-screen TVs, sunny holidays, moronic 'reality TV' and junk food, thus making certain that they remain dulled and uncaring of my dastardly plan for a New World Order;

OR:.....

Option B: completely screw up the entire financial system worldwide, causing these same humble masses to lose their savings, their jobs and their homes, wipe out any available cash or credit with which to buy the consumer goods from my factories and, in doing so, create a huge mass of pissed-off proletariat with nothing to do and a score to settle?

Hmm, difficult choice that.

Let's face it. If this is part of some dastardly, devilish plan by Satanic schemers to take over the world, then it's not exactly been handled with any great degree of competence by the 'Global Elite', has it?

But the Conspiracy Theorists will continue to spout their deluded ideas, and after a while will go back to their darkened bedrooms to research how Princess Diana was actually killed by President Kennedy because she found out he was a space alien. Or something.

Keep your tinfoil hats on, boys. But if you'd be kind enough to put them over your mouths, that would be just peachy. Thanks.

Of course, Pravda are spinning it as a positive, including an article this morning on the positive psychological effects of humour in a crisis.

Well I'm sorry, but I don't want to hear Snotty trying to be Jimmy Carr.

The only reason he's got a grin on his face is the increase in power granted to him by this crisis.

With a cabinet full of nonentities and sycophantic, fawning lickspittles, a Chancellor totally subservient, an Opposition backed into a corner and bereft of alternatives, a Parliamentary Labour Party terrified for their seats and the privilege they covet and an electorate cowed by the crisis and its damage to their pension funds, Snotty can indulge in the complete imposition of his will and the execution of absolute power.

He will continue to spend money he doesn't have to stem a crisis of his own creation. He will further mortgage our futures and the lives of our children in spiralling, crippling debt. He will carry on stalking the world stage, believing himself to be a colossus and a grand statesman and exhorting other nations to follow 'his' lead.

He knows that in such a situation as today, his opponents will never challenge him. The plotters in the PLP are swept aside by current events, the Opposition dare not question him for fear of accusations of 'playing party politics'.

Brown isn't grinning and joking as a psychological defence mechanism. Sociopaths have no need of the same social mores and structures as bind the rest of us. He's grinning because he has achieved his dream.

This is his dream - power over all of us. He has it now, and while calamity follows calamity cannot be ousted. Make no mistake - if there is still even the perception of a financial crisis in 2010, we WILL see the imposition of the Civil Contingencies Act to delay a General Election. Brown has tasted total power unlike that ever granted in modern Britain outside Wartime. He is not one that will willingly concede that power.

And he will bankrupt this country in pursuit of his own twisted ego-trip.

So I woke up this morning and, as usual, flipped on the news to see what the latest was.

Sky News were running on the collapse of the Dow, the 9.6% drop on the Nikkei, and the downgrading of General Motors. It was their lead story, and after a brief run-through of other news they were straight back onto it as a rolling story, with multiple correspondents reporting from various locations.

I quickly flipped over to Pravda to see how they were spinning it.

To find Susannah Reid and her cohort with guests on the sofa, earnestly discussing the merits of putting coffee-shops in municipal libraries.

At which point my head exploded.

Crisis? What crisis?

The job of Storyteller has a long and worthy history in this country and is, I'm happy to say, an old tradition that in recent years has been resurrected - and rightly so.

However, I don't think it's just the role of an official storyteller, or that of teachers, to introduce children to the wonders of the written word.

To me, teaching our kids to read and instilling them with a love of books and literature is, quite simply, one of the best gifts of love a parent can bestow.

We have the chance to show them whole new worlds inhabiting the pages; to enhance their imaginations and creative skills by showing them how characters can come to life inside their minds; to instil in them a love of the knowledge they can find within books; and to teach them that they need never be bored while there's a library nearby.

We're blessed in that we have such a vast range of authors and genres which we can use to do this. From Dr Seuss to Roald Dahl, from AA Milne to JK Rowling. It's all there for us to read to, and with, our children.

I'm not fortunate enough to be with my two boys 24/7, but I'm luckier than many in that I have plenty of access and I make time to spend with them as well. And for me, the best part of that time is reading with them, which I do every Thursday evening as well as at weekends.

With Josh, who's just three, it's mostly bedtime stories and Dr Seuss - but to see his eyes light up when we read 'The Cat in the Hat' together is just amazing. I've also started introducing him to poetry - today, for example, we were walking around the living room to AA Milne's 'Lines and Squares', stepping in time to the rhythm of the verse, both of us shouting, "Bears!" at the appropriate moment.

Then there was the wonderful moment of reciting 'Jabberwocky' - chasing a screaming Josh around the room, being 'the jaws that bite, the claws that catch'. He loves it, and he doesn't even know he's learning.

Jay, at 10, is more difficult, however Roald Dahl is always a winner. His characters are so vibrant and rounded, his goodies so good and his villians so vile, that it gains and holds the attention of even an older boy. And of course, the graphic descriptions of baddies meeting sticky ends is always popular. We're doing Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - and we share the reading, so he both learns and is entertained at the same time.

I've also started bringing poetry to Jay - he needs a little help with his reading at the moment, and the cadence and structure of simple poems seems to aid both his concentration on the words and also on his expressiveness when reading. The choice of subject matter also helps - I find that snot-related verse seems to have the desired effect!

My best friend Loudmouthman recently wrote an excellent piece on the Duty and Responsibility of being a Dad, which I urge you to read. However, I believe that a big part of that responsibility is very simple.

Read with your kids.

You never know - it might even be fun.

Behold! After boring briefings, the broad brush-strokes of Brown's Big Bank Bailout become bare. Billions of British brass will be brought to bear on the task, and big banks must beg to borrow their bit.

Basically, £50 Billion 'borrowed' by the banks, the brunt of the bill borne by the British taxpayer.

But that is but the basics of a bigger, broader, bastard of a bugbear for us Brits.

The Brown Bureaucracy has brought Britain to the brink of bankruptcy, with big bills beholden by every breadwinner in benighted Britain.

A bill of £24,700 borne by every British boy, belle and baby becomes bigger by £2000 with Brown's Big Bank Bailout.

Blame Brown. By borrowing beyond a balanced basis, Brown's bolloxed British society for both us and those we beget. Britain's Bank Balance under Brown beggars belief.

Banished Boom & Bust? Bullshit. Boom's been banned, there's but Bust to befall Britain.

But the best bit - basically, it's buggered from the beginning. The barrow-boys in business bade it no heed (FTSE burrowing below 4350 as I bruit).

This was billed as Brown's Big Bank Bailout.

It's become Brown's Black Wednesday.

Bugger.

Carluccio's
42 Oxford Castle, OXFORD OX1 1AY
Tel: 01865 24413

I have to confess that the idea of a quick lunch in Carluccio's Oxford didnt fill me with huge anticipation. To be honest, I was expecing Yet Another Generic Italian Restaurant - and my feelings about those are well documented in prior reviews!

However, I was utterly mistaken in my expectations, and ended up pleasantly surprised!

The place itself feels a little strange, walking through the deli area to get to the tables. While we had a table tucked away at the back, well away from the main door and any potential draughts, I would think it would feel a little exposed sitting near the retail area.

The shop itself is, of course, an Aladdin's Cave for a foodie, with a wide range of traditional Italian delicacies, along with other treats and dry goods. The only thing missing was the smell - while there's lots of good food around, there wasn't the welcoming smell of fresh produce and herbs that one might expect.

For lunch, we started with the savoury bread tin, which comprised a lovely range of breads including a delightful focaccia, with a light texture and a well-salted crust. There was also an excellent sun-dried tomato and walnut (I think) wholemeal. All was served with a first-class, fruity olive oil for dipping.

Our antipasti were a chicken pate for The Darling G (good flavour, and with a firmer texture than most, which gave it a more substantial feel), and for me a surprising dish - Vitello Tonnata. This was thin slices of medium-rare veal, topped with a tuna mayonnaise and capers. I was surprised at how well they went together, and thankfully the capers added to the overall dish rather than overpowering it, as they can so often do.

On to the main courses, where Gerry went for Penne Luganica, which was a delicious ragu made with sausagemeat. I opted for Linguine al Frutti Di Mare, which was packed with seafood and had a clean, clear sauce sparkling with garlic and chilli.

Portions for both courses were more than adequate!

We were in a hurry, so skipped desserts and coffees, but if they were anything like the other courses then I'm sure they'd be good. The bill was reasonable at £41 including a tip for (excellent) service, however neither of us were drinking which pushed the overall cost down.

In all, and as I mentioned at the start, this is anything but a Generic Italian Restaurant. The food's excellent, the service quick and attentive, and the price reasonable. While the nature of Carluccios would make it less attractive for an intimate dinner for two, for a good lunch it's hard to fault it.

(This review is also published on Dungeekin's Eatings and on Qype).

New York Italian Restaurant and Bar
Ozone Leisure Park, Oxford OX4 4XP

So last weekend Gerry and I took the boys out tenpin bowling, and we decided we'd stop for a spot of lunch beforehand.

We're trying to avoid the usual haunts of McDonalds and Burger King, and take the boys to places they may not have been before, so for a combination of convenience and speed decided to use Frankie & Benny's - after all, it's right next to the bowling alley!

In all honesty, we wouldn't use it for any other reason.

In style, look, decor and even menu, Frankie & Benny's feels like the poor Italian-American cousin of TFI Friday. And let's face it, even that's not saying much.

We didn't bother with starters, instead choosing to share some garlic & tomato bread - a simple pizza base that is almost impossible to mess up, and so it proved on this occasion.

The boys both had pasta dishes from the kids' menu, Gerry went for Chicken Penne Romana, and I plumped for the Manhattan burger.

The food was - alright. Average. Filling without being satisfying. My burger, for example, was large and well-topped, yet the meat was a touch overcooked and despite the amount, the cheese was strangely tasteless. The pasta dishes for the boys were bland and the portions too large, especially for a three-year-old. Our youngest's spaghetti bolognese was a pretty daunting size, even to my gluttonous eyes!

Another small niggle I have - and this is aimed at ALL restaurants which have a children's menu - why do you not have smaller cutlery for children? What's the point in having a small portion, if the knife and fork are too large for small hands? A teaspoon, while a nice offer from a helpful waiter, ain't much use for spaghetti really, is it?

that said, in their defence they offered a well-stocked goodie bag to each of the kids, who also left with a balloon.

Service was attentive throughout, except when it came to paying the bill. I was kept waiting far too long while the waiter chattered with a colleague, and the longer we waited the more fractious the kids became.

Overall, F&B's offered distinctly average food and an equally average experience, not quite managing to be good in any area, while avoiding complete awfulness. Pricing as well was distinctly average, coming out at £38 including service.

In all, then, Frankie & Benny's is a place I'd avoid. Mediocrity is never something I enjoy where my stomach's concerned, and sadly mediocrity seems to be all that F&B can manage.

Seen this morning on BBC News:

EU Trade Commissioner Peter Mandelson is to return to the government, as Gordon Brown reshuffles his cabinet.

Oh, dear sweet merciful {insert deity of choice} NO.

The Goonverment has scraped well past the bottom of the barrel with this one. Does Snotty McBroon seriously - SERIOUSLY - think that we have no memory?

This pillock has had to resign from the Cabinet not once, but twice, both times with the stench of (alleged) corruption following him out of the door.

The Robinson Loan.
The Hinduja Affair.

Is anyone in the business community or the wider electorate, therefore, going to see Mandy as a straight arrow? (No pun or slight on the worthy gentleman's orientation intended of course.)

A laughable, cretinous, truly risible announcement from a Government that's in a corner, against the ropes and on the way down. HM needs to do the decent thing, dissolve Parliament and put this freak-show out of our misery. Proof - as if further evidence were required - that Snotty McBroon lacks any competence whatsoever - despite his protestations that he's 'getting on with the job'.


I shall be scouring other potential sources for more information, with more than the usual dread that I get whenever I read a ZanuLiebore announcement of any kind. As of 10:00, Sky News are running it too. Apparently he's up for Secretary of State for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform (BERR).

UPDATE:
I see that Pravda's on the case - the weaselly Nick Robinson has unfurled his tongue and, in one smooth motion, re-inserted it into Snotty McBroon's crevice:

QUOTE:
Peter Mandelson is back. Gordon Brown, for so long said to lack courage and to be unwilling to reach out to his enemies in the Labour party, has now shown that he does by putting Mandy back into the cabinet.
END QUOTE.

No mention of Mandy's TWO resignations following allegations of corruption.

Right now, to use Rimmer Robinson's phrase, I'm too 'gobsmacked' to put together a rant of adequate proportions.