Dazzaluz

being in love with someone who is bi-polar might take the cake. And then being in love with someone who is bi-polar and has disappeared and is potentially losing his mind on the streets or lying naked in a field somewhere not knowing who he is might just equal certain death. This is happening right now. Right now, I have no idea where my boyfriend who happens to have been doing really well this past year, is. I had no idea what the damn signs were, if he always seemed just a bit strange to me, how was I supposed to know? He is a weirdo, that’s what I like most about him. Of course, after talking with his mom, and hearing all of her stories and thinking back to certain moments, yes, I could say there may have been signs that he was on a slow decline. However, me knowing that now, doesn’t so much work in anyone’s favor.

All rationale advises to “take it one day at a time” and “there is nothing you can do” and “you can’t help him”

I say fuck that, cause I cannot rely on rationale when it comes to my heart being ripped out of my body.

The thing is, he is off meds. In some crazy, pharmaceutical-loving world, he is some creature to be sedated and tamed. But there is this amazing program run out of Canada called True Hope which has offered him, and apparently Jim Carey, a sort of salvation from all that. They will work with you, offering you free consultations until you get your shit together and beyond. They got him off meds which he was on for 10 years, which made him a zombie, and onto a strict regiment of high doses of supplements. His mom said it was like someone coming back from the dead. Everyone was entirely ecstatic at his improvement. But unlike medications, working with your body to get to the root of the problem requires constant effort and diligent research and understanding and ability to address the realities of feeling not so great. If he had felt depressed he should have called them and they would have told him how to maintain. Instead he let himself go completely under and now he might be somewhere yelling at a lamp post.

So I have decided to organize a search party consisting of…me. I might enlist a friend who I don’t know very well, but enough to know simply that he cares and that he will chain smoke with me while I wallow.

I can only see myself just slowly losing my own mind if I sit on my ass and wait till he surfaces like everyone advises. It all just sounds self-destructive, really, so the question is “where do you draw the line?”

I guess.