Helping Those Who Don't Want Help

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There's an old story about a boy who found a turtle that had withdrawn into its shell. He tried to pry the turtle's head out with a stick. His uncle saw what was happening and said, "Not that way." He took the turtle inside and set him on the hearth. In a few minutes, as it began to get warm, the turtle stuck out its head and feet and calmly crawled toward the boy.

People, like turtles, can't be forced to open up. But in the right environment, they often choose to do so. Warmed by kindness and concern, they sometimes relax, and often wind up coming your way.

These are some of the ways pastors create an atmosphere conducive to personal change:

Many people request help but resist it when it is offered. To be more precise, they want the pastor to take away their pain, but they don't want to deal with the underlying problems producing the pain. They don't want help if it means making changes in the way they're living.

"People seldom know the solution. But they know they are unhappy, and they can describe eloquently, with exquisite detail, how their lives are out of sync," observes Roger Thompson of Trinity Baptist Church in Wheat Ridge, Colorado.

In some cases, the problem hinges on a superficial view of pain, particularly emotional pain. They believe the absence of pain is an inalienable right. Even some pastors fall into this trap.

"Most people who deal with suffering, pastors prominent among them, are by training and temperament doers and fixers," says Eugene Peterson, a Presbyterian pastor in Maryland. "They ...

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