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Fri March 19, 2010

Source Fark Headline Comments

America color-coded by bar/grocery store ratio. Fly-over country raises a tall one for all you sober coastal elitists (economix.blogs.nytimes.com) (15)

(Some Guy)

Photoshop this tempting treat (animalpicture.ru) (21)

California's Bar Association has decided the joke is getting old (tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com) (96)

Man sentenced to death for sorcery, apparently having failed his saving throw (cnn.com) (67)

Pentagon cyberattack takes down jihadist Internet forum used to plan attacks in Iraq. Unfortunately, it was a covert CIA-Saudi honeypot used to monitor extremists (washingtonpost.com) (37)

(Some Boogers)

Eighth grader Sarah Flickinger suspended from school for Flick-ing-er nose piercing. Of course, her crazy mom is Flick-ing-er finger at the school district. Why? Because a kindergarten teacher has one too (redbluffdailynews.com) (80)

(WFAA)

Kind of like dominoes, but with giant exploding oil tanks (wfaa.com) (32)

Turns out recording upskirt videos might be legal in Indiana. Barely legal, that is (indystar.com) (82)

Curious about how the health care vote will go this weekend? Want to see who already knows the outcome? (abcnews.go.com) (122)

Robbery suspect claims he has a "good heart"... unlike the hospitalized dying elderly woman from whom he stole $7,000 worth of jewelry (cbc.ca) (41)

(Some Supervillain)

Supervillain Smackdown: Mystique vs Catwoman (thecorrectness.com) (138)

(Bournemouth Echo)

Bizarre supermarket home delivery substitutions no. 3,750: "Sorry, we have no children's bubble bath in stock. Here's some sexual lubricant instead" (bournemouthecho.co.uk) (99)

(Guy with a flickering fog of color)

Millions of migrating monarch butterflies have gotten lost somewhere over Mexico (vancouversun.com) (75)

Oh, it's a banner farking day at the old Bender family; a new pill can halt the damage cigarettes cause to your lungs, so smoke up Johnny (io9.com) (117)

Hero teacher Mrs Q eats the same food AS THE STUDENTS (with anti food-porn pics of what a student might eat) (abcnews.go.com) (174)

(Some Guy)

For sale: 840-acre island. Amenities include miles of private shoreline, 140-year old lighthouse and private research facility for highly infectous animal diseases (theday.com) (94)

Jon Stewart does his best Glenn Beck impersonation, somehow linking Jesus to the Ayatollah and both of them to Bert. The last one wasn't that much of a stretch (thedailyshow.com) (177)

Who is the stripper who is the painter who is the pizza maker? It's TSGs Friday Photo Fun. Contest ends at 6pm Eastern (thesmokinggun.com) (71)

California police department subjected to deadly booby-traps, allegedly set by a criminally inclined biker gang. And you thought Steven Seagal's movies were far-fetched (aolnews.com) (107)

The ladies and gentlemen at the Crufts Dog Show show us all about proper English decorum, tradition, dog scrotum tickling (w/video) (blogs.telegraph.co.uk) (38)

Items the RCMP seized from eco-terrorist Wiebo Ludwig's farm included a book called Disruptive Terrorism, a crossbow, and a Lord of the Dance cassette tape (edmontonjournal.com) (53)

Swedish court rules that faking it is illegal. Your wife is now a hardened criminal (thelocal.se) (76)

Here's a tip, just because you have coin operated booths that show 'movies' doesn't make you a cinema. Oh, and here's a bill for all those back taxes you owe, please drive through (news.yahoo.com) (16)

Maryland secedes from the South (news.yahoo.com) (211)

Town planning new museum to mark the 200th anniversary of the Luddite uprising. Museum to feature interactive, multi-media exhibits which can also be accessed via live video over the Internet (news.yahoo.com) (35)

Photoshop this Afghani youth (telegram.com) (38)

After a week of bad Publicity about found e-mails and federal grand juries, Sheriff Joe has apparently decided it's time for another Brown People Round-up in Maricopa County (abcnews.go.com) (317)

Having her gowns worn by Michelle Obama gave Chicago-based designer Maria Pinto such a career boost that, well, she's going out of business (aolnews.com) (104)

Burglar exhibits efficient time management, breaking into store and using its computer to try and sell the items he was in the process of stealing...all from his own MySpace account (abcnews.go.com) (14)

Actual headline: Woman is living proof that she's not dead (sfgate.com) (28)

I have no idea what you're talking about, so here's a picture of a skateboarding owl (telegraph.co.uk) (72)

Joe Sarno, founder of the Chicago Comic-Con, is no longer mint (chicagobreakingnews.com) (38)

Thousands of marauding animals eating their way through the countryside, severely damaging the local ecosystem. Who is responsible for this environmental disaster? Animal activists (thelocal.de) (111)

The strangest chandelier ever. Period (techeblog.com) (96)

(Some Guy)

You know it's a good after-school girl-fight when an AK-47 was fired (thepittsburghchannel.com) (95)

When your 42-year old parrot is diagnosed with cancer, let it go (dailymail.co.uk) (117)

Most little kids are curious about where babies come from. Not all of them get to learn first hand by delivering their own brother (sfgate.com) (107)

(Some Guy)

Okay, this time I DID shoot the deputy (kptv.com) (40)

Universities starting to offer mixed gender dorm rooms, mixed species dorms rooms can only be next (articles.latimes.com) (207)

Ugly-ass baby squirrel monkey born at Edmonton's Valley Zoo. (With "awwww" pic) (cbc.ca) (24)

You know it's a good after-school girl-fight when Mom and "a slew of deputies on horseback, motorcycle, on foot and in cars" arrive (orlandosentinel.com) (49)

Man arrested for attacking neighbors' door with hoe because he believed they stole his cookies. (w/ pic of hoe beater) (upi.com) (34)

(Some Guy)

You know it's a weird story when the least strange part is a man eating a squirrel's eyeballs (bransondailynews.com) (52)

(Some Guy)

Photoshop this guinea pig posing for a portrait (bigpicture.ru) (50)

Bernie Madoff's dizziness and hypertension that sent him to a prison hospital last Dec. turned out to be a broken nose, fractured ribs and cuts to his head and face. Shylock sought for questioning (online.wsj.com) (242)

(Some Guy)

Having solved all other problems, undercover cops in Florida are now busting stores for letting people buy condoms with food stamps (970wfla.com) (118)

Head off to France for their new guillotine exhibit (dailymail.co.uk) (65)

Think your commute is bad? It takes just as long to drive the LA Marathon route during rush hour as it does to run it (latimes.com) (76)

(Albany Times Union)

Day after day / Alone on a hill / The naked old man with the camera is keeping perfectly still (timesunion.com) (35)

Thu March 18, 2010

Russia threatening to invade Canada of mineral and oil rights. Canada responds with a 'oh ya? Well my pants can kick your butt' (cbc.ca) (292)

GLOBAL WARMING may cause snow to fall in the Midwest this weekend. Because it never snows after February in the Midwest (press-citizen.com) (177)

(Some Dog)

Cute: Bedbug-detecting dog. Ewwww: Trainer keeps a vial of bedbugs for training purposes and feeds them by letting them bite her hand (king5.com) (67)

(WWL)

The EPA wants to know if long-term fracking using massive hot injections could be harmful to your health (wwl.com) (38)

India - where people drink from the contaminated Ganges river and often bathe in cow urine - is considering banning Lindsay Lohan, because, hey, even they know where to draw the line (telegraph.co.uk) (45)

HA HA, QUAKERTOWN MAN RECEIVES MENTAL EVALUATION AFTER SETTING HIS CAR ON FIRE (mcall.com) (210)

(Style Weekly)

Pesky First Amendment thwarts developer whose name was used for website depicting her as a demon with a "Ghostbusters 2" quote (link fixed) (styleweekly.com) (90)

Shakespeare lost works "no hoax." Oh great, as if we need to spend even more hours trying to find *one* joke in the damn thing and forcing kids to dress up in tights and say "What ho, my lord" (npr.org) (98)

Sad Status Quo: Making your opponent in a bylaw debate sound scary by saying you refuse to be identified, claiming "fear of retaliation". Fark: In a debate about a leash-free park. Your dog: Steak, please (thespec.com) (30)

(Some Nutjob)

Woman sees Jesus in wooden door. Lady, that's knot Jesus. (w/ video) (abclocal.go.com) (76)

(Some Guy)

Divorce proceedings postponed in case of woman who hired hitman. Whew. We really hope this couple can work things out. (With "she's totally worth it" photo of accused woman) (970wfla.com) (103)

(Some College)

Photoshop this stickman student (shorpy.com) (33)

Mother pig nurses her crippled newborn piglet to health. Both will be making a delicious appearance fried and covered in maple syrup on a breakfast plate next year (dailymail.co.uk) (67)

Old and busted: finding an image of Jesus in your toast. The new hotness: finding the skeleton of Natalee Holloway in your vacation photos (blog.al.com) (161)

"Hipster on food stamps" fires back, blames his crappy career and an unjust society that discriminates against creative types like himself (salon.com) (547)

(kmir6)

Suspect arrested in cinema thermometer stabbing, police say well done (kmir6.com) (41)

Kid learns the hard way that if you're old enough to rape an autistic woman on a street corner in broad daylight you're old enough for grown up PMITA prison (toledoblade.com) (303)

"Moms' self esteem hurt by helpful dads" says Institute For Mens' Lazy-Ass Excuses (news.yahoo.com) (220)

Jordan and Chester M. are now friends. • Comment • Like • Pedophile (news.bbc.co.uk) (98)

Working for the government comes with some great perks, like job stability, posh benefits packages, and in many cases, the need to pay taxes (abcnews.go.com) (131)

The Pentagon official who allegedly boasted of running his own private team of "Jason Bournes" is finally speaking out (wired.com) (90)

Not only is driving with early Alzheimer's ill-advised, studies now show it might also be ill-advised as well (news.yahoo.com) (97)

Coffee, tea, or flight attendants in hot pants? (life.com) (265)

(Some Guy)

Smoking hot cougar that had been prowling near high school turns out to be a male. Just like that hooker you picked up the other night (krqe.com) (55)

Five of the 10 plants with the highest amount of mercury emitted are in Texas, which explains a lot (news.yahoo.com) (81)

A boardwalk is a lovely place to have a wedding... provided that the boardwalk can support all of your chunky asses (thesun.co.uk) (43)

Giant hovering pliers attack house in England. I say, shall we all panic? Quite (maps.google.co.uk) (155)

Somali pirates attempt attack on Dutch warship with expected results (aolnews.com) (221)

Photoshop theme: This will not end well (fark.com) (55)

Archbishop of New York calls out NYPD police commissioner, and St. Patrick's Day parade grand marshal, for being late to church. Fortunately the commissioner had a good excuse (nydailynews.com) (109)

Cable glitch replaces children's TV with Playboy channel for the BEST TWO HOURS EVER (smh.com.au) (150)

Larry Flynt to write history of presidents' sex lives. Suggested titles include "From Johnson to Bush" and "There's A Reason They Called Millard 'Fillmore'" (voices.washingtonpost.com) (65)

43-year-old woman arrested for alleged sex act with student (w/ "hell yes" pic) (news10.net) (201)

A possible factor in Type 2 diabetes risk is antici- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - (upi.com) (78)

Jon Stewart: "He's just like our last president". Texas school board member: "Somebody needs to stand up to the experts" Jon Stewart: "Wow he really is just like our last president." (thedailyshow.com) (453)

If you beat the murder charges, but you did actually commit the murder, the first thing you do shouldn't be to write a taunting letter to prosecutors detailing the crime. Unless you want that to also be the last thing you do (myfoxdc.com) (136)

Bus driver who won £2.3 million lottery the day after getting a divorce vows to share his jackpot with his ex-wife. YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG (thesun.co.uk) (87)

Disgruntled ex-employee of car dealership accused of remotely disabling 100 customer's cars over the internet. In other news, your car dealer can apparently disable your car over the internet (dailyfinance.com) (108)

Behold the horror that is the Steve Jobs cheese head. Good luck trying to get to sleep tonight (gizmodo.com) (91)

Last chance to sign up for 2010 Fark NCAA Tournament Pick'em. Search for Fark, no pword required. Duke sucks (games.espn.go.com) (224)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - pation (upi.com) (93)

Health officials reveal that most brain injuries are the result of falls, accidents, reruns of "Two and a Half Men" (upi.com) (50)

Man ends his electrician career to become a conductor (sfgate.com) (102)

Today's Fark-Ready headline "Sleeping man shocked after cold man jumps into bed" (news.yahoo.com) (45)

Armed robber goes to a grocery store, pulls out a knife, and demands cash. Do the other customers: a.) hold him at gunpoint until the cops arrive, b.) tackle him and take his knife away, or c.) bring him down with a hail of vegetables? (news.com.au) (43)

Cutest pics you'll see today of a Persian cat taking a dip in the family pool (couriermail.com.au) (93)

In case your faith in humanity wasn't shaken enough (villagevoice.com) (76)

(Daily Telegraph)

Gambling GILF grievously gyps guru, galled gaolers grab granny (dailytelegraph.com.au) (70)

Police suspect flees biting dog (news.cincinnati.com) (27)

Officer forced to take evasive action to avoid getting struck by A) gunfire, B) car, or C) penis (news.bbc.co.uk) (45)

(Some Guy)

Add some color to this bleak landscape (shafir.info) (56)

Insurance company does the right thing by helping those most in need. Just kidding, they pick out people in a database who probably have life-threatening illnesses and investigate them for fraud so they can drop their coverage (consumerist.com) (168)

Pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers, and hot lead (myfoxla.com) (26)

Ex-vegan gives talk to vegans. Do they: c) burn her face with capiscum while the audience cheers? (sfgate.com) (320)

(Daily Telegraph)

Living in your car with 23 animals? That's a finin' (dailytelegraph.com.au) (21)

Cracked presents the Cliff's Notes version of Drew's book for free: Six ways the media disguises BS as fact (cracked.com) (45)

Correctional officer at the Cook County Jail was fired for bringing DVD's to work to watch; DVDs of Discovery Channel's "Cook County Jail" series (examiner.com) (32)

"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Interrupting missile strike against an Al Qaeda leader." "Interrupting missile strike aga-" *KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM* (foxnews.com) (117)

Proving that some people just can't take a hint, a Nova Scotia woman has been incorrectly declared dead by authorities - for the second time (cbc.ca) (28)