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Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Lithuanian parliament names Arunas Valinskas as its speaker. This is equivalent to Howard Stern being named Speaker of the House 
(27)
Experts want to lift taboo on nursing home sex despite the ensuing increase in mental bleach need (41)
Astronette lubricating joint experiences eruption, prematurely lets go of sack. Climax of mission so far (26)
Couple discover as RV vacation in Florida with their pampered kangaroo and crippled goat wasn't what they were hoping for (22)
A Texas grand jury has indicted Vice President Dick Cheney and former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales on charges related to the alleged abuse of prisoners. 62 more shopping days for Bush pardons (81)
Even if he's calling your girlfriend "bad names," don't get in a fight with a guy who wears a meat cleaver as a necklace (44)(CW McCall) 
Trucker crushed by 70,000 of rocks. Would it be any better if he had been hauling 70,000 pounds of feathers? (70)
Trucker crushed by 70,000 of rocks. Would it be any better if he had been hauling 70,000 pounds of feathers? (70)
It's National Geography week and a survey says US kids couldn't find their asses with both hands (59)
Woman treats head lice with highly combustible fuel, heats water with an open flame. Lice is now least of her problems (24)
Parents angry that a school board member sent a student a 'tough love' note complete with a line about a drop-out last seen at a convenience store "asking customers for money for wine and offering (oral sex) for money." (30)
Renting out your home to some stranger for the Obama inauguration, sure sounds like a great idea (36)
Hard-hitting journalism: "Bush and Clinton fit into the expectations of what earlier generations thought a president's wife should look like. Obama has the opportunity to break the mold." (60)(Some Dumb Guy) News: Prisoner escapes from Kentucky jail. Fark: Returns the same day, rings bell, and begs to come back in (27)
News: Prisoner escapes from Kentucky jail. Fark: Returns the same day, rings bell, and begs to come back in (27)
Why in 1770, if you had toothache, your best bet was to get totally hammered: 'Take astringent liquors'. If that didn't work, 'break the teeth into order by means of a strong pair of crooked pliers' (74)
Month-long weapons amnesty program nets swords, axes, bayonets, crossbows, throwing stars, nunchaku, two 19th century pistols, and an anti-tank rifle. Score (70)(Some Squirrel) Today: Nutsack squirrel died for your sins. Next Week: Nutsack squirrel spotted in grilled cheese sandwich (36)
Today: Nutsack squirrel died for your sins. Next Week: Nutsack squirrel spotted in grilled cheese sandwich (36) 
Today is World Toilet Day, with experts calling for an end to flushing toilets. Bonus pic of coolest. Toilet. Evar (115)
School janitor wins $3 million in the lottery but vows to keep working at his old job. "I don't want this to change my style of living." (90)
Game wardens rescue female kakapo that couldn't kaka, due to sharp stick in a place even more uncomfortable than the back seat of a Volkswagen, which technically would have made it just a po (41)
Nestlé recalls nearly 900,000 Lean Cuisine frozen chicken dinners because they may taste even more like plastic than usual (103) 
High School employee buys beer in exchange for pics of boys' privates; Fark: Complains when he finds out pics were from the internets, not really from HS boys (116)
EVERYBODY'S STARVING, Oh wait, it's only the people that have been starving forever. EVERYBODY RESUME EATING (169)
"How to Avoid iPod Ear Damage". Translation: How to Turn the Volume Down so the Entire Bus/Train Car Can't Hear You (96)
George has playdate today. Could be trouble if the man with the big yellow hat doesn't come out of the undisclosed location (100)
Crook robs convenience store. Makes wrong turn out of parking lot. Getaway truck breaks down. Takes taxi back down the road. Driver stops at same convenience store to ask for directions. Hilarity ensues (22)(Some Attention Whore Helper) Having trouble thinking of new douchey Facebook statuses? Then this tool is for you (130)
Having trouble thinking of new douchey Facebook statuses? Then this tool is for you (130)
Michelle Malkin in 2004: Democrats can't win elections because they treat the American people like they're stupid. Michelle Malkin in 2008: The American people are stupid (572)
Tiny bladder helps save neighbours caught in housefire - With bonus quote "I'm not the hero. She's the hero. She had to pee" (38)
Joe Lieberman (?-CT) allowed to keep his Senate committee chairmanship after emerging from Harry Reid's office in a blue ninja outfit screaming 'Fatality' (148)(Some Guy) 
If you buy a vehicle with the proceeds of a wrongful death suit due to a drunk driver, you may not want to drink and drive in said vehicle (55)
If you buy a vehicle with the proceeds of a wrongful death suit due to a drunk driver, you may not want to drink and drive in said vehicle (55)
Subpoena documents reveal CBS more worried about pleasing right than Bush being AWOL from Nat'l Guard duty, considered Limbaugh & Coulter for 'impartial' investigation of Dan Rather's story (145) 
News cycle sputters. What to do, what to do? Hey... we haven't had a Natalee Halloway story in a while (40)(Cape Cod Times) Volunteer firefighter decides show off town's $165,000 specially customized fire truck to his lady-friend, resulting in epic fail (w/pic) (86)
Volunteer firefighter decides show off town's $165,000 specially customized fire truck to his lady-friend, resulting in epic fail (w/pic) (86)
Alleged douchebag sues over his photo appearing in "Hot Chicks with Douchebags" book. With photo of said alleged douchebag (417) 44-year-old stripper sues club that fired her for age discrimination. This thread is just fine without pictures of Saggy McSagerson (173)
Since Hugo Chavez took office, the homicide rate in Venezuela has tripled, and criminals run rampant. But at least he's helping the poor through socialism (89) DC officials preparing for a crowd of 4 million at Obama's Inauguration . Good thing the city government is well known for their competence and efficency, particularly in the area of public transit (254) With the new vampire flick Twilight coming out soon news outlets feel compelled to write stories about "real vampires" that walk among us (170)(Some Guy) Boycott of Kentucky ends after state backs down on gambling domain forfeitures. "For some of us here the hardest part of this boycott has been abstaining from bourbon." (26)
Boycott of Kentucky ends after state backs down on gambling domain forfeitures. "For some of us here the hardest part of this boycott has been abstaining from bourbon." (26)
Nicole Kidman says she may stop taking all her clothes off in films - or as she calls it, "acting" (109)
Australian Pastor reminds local Jews that they will "burn in a hell worse than the Holocaust" unless they convert to his more tolerant religion (155) Drew Peterson may seek a divorce, which would be a lot like a decapitated person wanting to get a botox treatment (66)
If history is any guide, Obama may not have thought his cunning "Team of Rivals" plan all the way through (348)
10-point white buck shot near Milwaukee, the first white Milwaukee Buck with double-figure points in decades (177)
Michael Jackson says he is "too sick" to travel to London to defend himself in the latest lawsuit against him for ripping off someone who was stupid enough to do business with him (75)
Make sure the bridge you're travelling under is tall enough for your truck to pass through, otherwise you'll wind up like this guy (w/pic) (86)(WSFA) The right tool for the job: Thieves use forklift to load ATM onto pickup (surveillance video) (39)
The right tool for the job: Thieves use forklift to load ATM onto pickup (surveillance video) (39)
Sure, binding the neighbor with duct tape, covering him with gasoline, and threatening to set him on fire seemed like a good idea at the time...but there just might be a downside to it (27)(Sun Chronicle) City threatens to put lien on elderly blind woman's home over $.01 due on her utility bill (150)
City threatens to put lien on elderly blind woman's home over $.01 due on her utility bill (150)(Voice of America) Analysts say that the cease-fire agreement between Israel and Hamas is "further threatened" as Israeli tanks begin to level the border lands while Hamas continues to rain rockets on Israel (92)
Analysts say that the cease-fire agreement between Israel and Hamas is "further threatened" as Israeli tanks begin to level the border lands while Hamas continues to rain rockets on Israel (92)
Woman flagged by Sports Authority for yelling during football games. Maybe they just don't like her moustache. With pic (80)(Some Guy) MacGyver voted Top TV Tough Guy after killing Chuck Norris with a paper clip and the hood emblem from a '73 Buick in latest useless MSM top 10 ranking (118)
MacGyver voted Top TV Tough Guy after killing Chuck Norris with a paper clip and the hood emblem from a '73 Buick in latest useless MSM top 10 ranking (118)
Barney Frank acting all tough on Paulson and Bernanke in TARP hearing this morning. None of these two-bit circus clowns have any idea what they are doing (293) Greenpeace activists dump five tons of fish heads in Paris, now face charges of improving the odor (58)
Office of National Drug Control Policy says San Francisco has more medical marijuana dispensaries than Starbucks shops. But they missed counting the Starbucks that had opened in the men's rooms of the other Starbucks (60) Clever detectives believe there may have been some anger between a 21 year old girl and the 5 people she stabbed (32)(Great Falls Tribune) Local restaurant goes ahead with annual tradition of offering free dinner to all military personnel, despite having burned to the ground a few weeks before. Well done (42)
Local restaurant goes ahead with annual tradition of offering free dinner to all military personnel, despite having burned to the ground a few weeks before. Well done (42)
A visit to acclaimed microbrewer Dogfish Head and its crazy genius founder. Keep on drinking the good sh-t (166)
First rule of kidnapping someone and stuffing them in your trunk: always, ALWAYS take their cell phone (29) Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, special orders don't upset us; all we ask is that you let us shoot you in the face. Make my-y day, maaake my day (52)
Bill Clinton must reveal all of his connections, activities and secrets before his old lady gets the Secretary of State job, including the location of his secret porn stash (235)
Japanese local news crew spends several minutes filming a tree that sort of looks like Godzilla if you have imagination (41) Kangaroo genome very close to humans', explaining their propensity to punch each other, jump around, and lock children in their basements (24)
New Jersey Institute of Technology loses record-setting 35th straight Division I football game, considers renaming school to Stephen Hawking Institute of Technology (84)(WBIR) Tennessee may allow wine to be sold in grocery stores. Pennsylvanians react in shock, wonder if such a thing is possible (155)
Tennessee may allow wine to be sold in grocery stores. Pennsylvanians react in shock, wonder if such a thing is possible (155) It's easy enough to see how one might lose their way in the rainforest, but it's harder to explain losing all your clothes (46)
Japanese company recalls imported U.S. mineral water due to strange smell, failing to realize Coors is supposed to smell that way (44) Naked man interrupts car race by running across track and swan-diving into mud puddle. "Alcohol was believed to be a contributing factor" (36)
Woman instructed to hold the handle to prevent the toilet from exploding while a United Water imposter stole $3,650 (43)(The Moscow Times) Woman who killed drunk husband by closing him in folding couch given suspended sentence. She made her bed, now she must sleep in it (39)
Woman who killed drunk husband by closing him in folding couch given suspended sentence. She made her bed, now she must sleep in it (39) There are good times and bad times to wake up. For the record, waking up during abdominal surgery would be a very bad time (86)
Turns out gambling and smoking aren't so recession-proof after all. Alcohol and porn still paying dividends to wise investors (42) Scarlett Johansson is "flattered" to find out that she inspired the song "I Kissed A Girl". Submitter would love to hear what she thinks of the song he wrote entitled "MOTORBOAT" (306)
Monday, November 17, 2008
If you're told demons are destroying corpse's appearance as she decays on the toilet to make it look like she wouldn't rise from the dead, consider maintaining a healthy skepticism (83) Ulysses drops 140 lbs. in 11 months to fulfill dream of serving country as Marine; hopes to impregnate enchantress and slay one-eyed giant (84) 
Rare transfusion attempted on tiger cub after it's mauled in a Vegas lounge by Siegfried and Roy (22) Shawskank Redemption: Male, female inmates crawled through ceiling tiles for late-night sex trysts (83)