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Friday, July 25, 2008
(WWMT) 
Stealing beer from a Tiki bar? Better go by canoe . . . and leave a floating trail of empties so police can find you (0)
Stealing beer from a Tiki bar? Better go by canoe . . . and leave a floating trail of empties so police can find you (0)
The show "Extreme makeover: home edition" renovates your house and pays off your mortgage. Builder also gives you $100k. Now the bank wants to foreclose on your house. You're doing it wrong (22)(Some Guy) Think you had a crazy 21st birthday? You've got nothing on this guy. Story includes semi-nude football dummy tackling, and then it gets weird (48)
Think you had a crazy 21st birthday? You've got nothing on this guy. Story includes semi-nude football dummy tackling, and then it gets weird (48)
If you text while you're walking around, you might walk into things, says the Institute for the Blindingly Obvious (30)(Some Tree Hugger) 
An online global-footprint calculator asks, "Do you have electricity in your home"? Then proceeds to tell you how much of a waste of space you are (265)
An online global-footprint calculator asks, "Do you have electricity in your home"? Then proceeds to tell you how much of a waste of space you are (265)
Hot 43 yr-old arrested for running through park naked as part of a "truth or dare" game with teens, who said she provided alcohol and was going to expose her breasts to them. (w/ mug shot of woman who, amazingly, is not a teacher) (176)
Jilted bride-to-be sues her ex-fiancé for not being enough of a sugar daddy, wins $150K and the respect of golddiggers everywhere (226)
She was all "No I di'nt: and the cops were like "Oh yes you did" and she was like "No I di'nt" and the cops said "Oops our bad" and her lawyer said $$$$ (96)(Time to get a new fence) 
Ugly-ass baby girl elephant born at the Pittsburgh Zoo. In fact, it's the second one in under a month. "The other elephants were all very excited and trumpeted repeatedly following the birth." Ugly-ass pic available (40)
Ugly-ass baby girl elephant born at the Pittsburgh Zoo. In fact, it's the second one in under a month. "The other elephants were all very excited and trumpeted repeatedly following the birth." Ugly-ass pic available (40)(The Conservative Voice) UFOs and aliens are really fallen angels sent by Satan to test Christian faith. Nice to see that all cleared up (417)
UFOs and aliens are really fallen angels sent by Satan to test Christian faith. Nice to see that all cleared up (417)
Step 1) We're sorry, but the trailer you won in our e-bay auction is full of bees. Step 2) What trailer? We never sold you a trailer. Step 3) Lawsuit (197)(wsbtv.com) 
Suburban restaurant scores a whopping 15 on their health inspection. Among the violations - extra protein in the soup in the form of flies. Fark: Still not the lowest score in the county... that was a 13 (63)
Suburban restaurant scores a whopping 15 on their health inspection. Among the violations - extra protein in the soup in the form of flies. Fark: Still not the lowest score in the county... that was a 13 (63)(Some Guy) NY's Finest prove how tough they are by cuffing a truly dangerous suspect -- a 10-year-old boy who hit the school bully in the back of the neck with a bean (38)
NY's Finest prove how tough they are by cuffing a truly dangerous suspect -- a 10-year-old boy who hit the school bully in the back of the neck with a bean (38)
"I got p---ed because my lawn mower wouldn't start, so I got my shotgun and shot it. I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want." (108)
Office workers dig graves during graveyard shift to fill in for striking workers. Wait, wouldn't ANY shift be a graveyard shift at a cemetery? (37)(Some Yat) State trooper does news interview about idiot drivers on I-10. Idiot driver offers a demonstration (309)
State trooper does news interview about idiot drivers on I-10. Idiot driver offers a demonstration (309)
Bike messengers -- those guys who think they own the street, run red lights, and cause accidents with their recklessness -- find that their jobs are being endangered by the Internet. Keep up the good work, Internet (299)
Would-be thief comes up with clever way to steal gasoline by wrapping credit card transmitter in Reynolds Wrap, but his plan was foiled (43)(Edmonton Sun) 
And all he wanted to do was build a three-hundred meter banana and float it in geostationary orbit above Texas (72)
And all he wanted to do was build a three-hundred meter banana and float it in geostationary orbit above Texas (72)
A dwarf burglar has defended his life of crime claiming that it is the only career open to a man his size. Well, besides posing for trophies (61)
France to trim their military by 54,000 troops, leaving them with two inept soldiers, and a Citroen 2cv with a WW2 machine gun on the roof (93)
New study reports that granite countertops, the icing on the top of the McMansion cake, are radioactive and emit radon gas (167)
How a drunken bar brawl became an international incident between the US and Serbia. Zombie Archduke Ferdinand snickers (71)
And it came to pass, in the eighth year of the reign of the evil Bush the Younger (The Ignorant), when the whole land from the Arabian desert to the shores of the Great Lakes had been laid barren, that a Child appeared in the wilderness (lots) You might be an editor, but woe betide you if you remove a single letter from this man's restaurant review (155)
Speeding, driving erratically and changing lanes without signaling to pass a funeral procession is bad. Worse when it's a funeral procession for a firefighter, being led by the Highway Patrol (68) Readers of Esquire are soon to be exposed to the publishing industry's latest attempt at re-inventing itself -- a battery-powered magazine with a flashing cover (72)
If you fail to notice that your car is disintegrating around you while you move, you may be too drunk to drive. Dumbass drunk driver trifecta in play (61) New Zealand university students withdraw $5000 reward for arrest of Condoleezza Rice after Auckland police district commander invites them to enjoy a nice cup of STFU (121)
Police detective suspended for claiming overtime for watching porn at work, promises to finish faster next time (30)
If you are hiking on an ice-covered mountain, tying yourself to several family members may not help. Anyone (128)(Press and Journal) If you're too drunk to drive, you're also too drunk to pull your car along with a rope (20)
If you're too drunk to drive, you're also too drunk to pull your car along with a rope (20)
If you're going to take crotch shots of a girl passed out drunk, don't do it when you've just helped load her into the ambulance (120)
Concerned citizens in the Sacramento area have an eye towards that inevitable day when Zombies overrun us. Thank you, good people, thank you (77)
Family of four weighs 900 pounds, amusement park ride holds 700 pounds. Check the tag, do the math, show your work (291)
Qantas comes VERY close to farking up that perfect safety record. Damage limited to big hole in cargo hold and 350 people with soiled underwear they bought at K-Mart in Cincinnati (128)(Fayetteville Observer) 
First woman in U.S. Armed Forces history is confirmed by Senate to wear 4 stars. Hero tag shatters 232-year old brass ceiling, Boobies tag stays hidden under camouflage (161)
First woman in U.S. Armed Forces history is confirmed by Senate to wear 4 stars. Hero tag shatters 232-year old brass ceiling, Boobies tag stays hidden under camouflage (161)(WREG) Man breaks into bar, tries to cook food, catches the bar on fire, dies . . . Darwinstocrats (41)
Man breaks into bar, tries to cook food, catches the bar on fire, dies . . . Darwinstocrats (41)(Some Guy) Harper's New Monthly Magazine, April 18, 1874: "I venture the prediction that within one hundred years from this time Cincinnati will be the greatest city in America, and by the year 2000, the greatest city in the world" (158)
Harper's New Monthly Magazine, April 18, 1874: "I venture the prediction that within one hundred years from this time Cincinnati will be the greatest city in America, and by the year 2000, the greatest city in the world" (158)
It bothers some to see vultures perched outside their hospital windows. "I've had patients tell me, 'Doc, it's not very reassuring.' " (78)Thursday, July 24, 2008
The land devoted to opium poppies in Afghanistan, even at the current record level of production, totals just 637 square miles, less than a third the size of Rhode Island (115)(Some Sweaty Guy) 
State of New Mexico is SHOCKED to find out that Scientology-based rehab program that incorporates sauna and massage into treatment is not effective (w/ bonus sweaty druggie pics) (88)
State of New Mexico is SHOCKED to find out that Scientology-based rehab program that incorporates sauna and massage into treatment is not effective (w/ bonus sweaty druggie pics) (88)
News: Fishermen snared by floating tuna ranch pen. Fark: Ship towing the pen didn't notice the marooned boat sitting in the middle of it for over two hours (40)
It apparently needs repeating: Do not tailgate on the highway if you are transporting $25,000 worth of smack (53)
Evolution has ensured that humans respond to anecdote, instead of science. Which explains the success of chiropracty as well as those urban legends your secretary forwards you (432)
(Durant Democrat) Oklahoma lawmaker brings loaded gun to Capitol. Again. Bonus: It's not her first time on Fark (102)
Oklahoma lawmaker brings loaded gun to Capitol. Again. Bonus: It's not her first time on Fark (102)
(Federal Bureau of Investigation) The FBI debunks 10 myths about itself. J. Edgar Hoover's dressing habits fail to make the list, which shouldn't surprise us, as they only list myths (78)
The FBI debunks 10 myths about itself. J. Edgar Hoover's dressing habits fail to make the list, which shouldn't surprise us, as they only list myths (78)
That baby photographed swimming naked for Nirvana's album cover is now 17, hates school, likes water polo, and is grappling with his public image. "Quite a few people in the world have seen my penis. So that's kinda cool." (194) Obama addresses an estimated crowd of 200,000 people in Berlin, 185,000 of whom were just there for a concert by the Decemberists (1274)
Newseum celebrates 100 years of the FBI. Interactive exhibits include "Let's Wiretap Martin Luther King" and "J. Edgar Hoover's Fashion School" (22)
Ben Stein on Obama's convention speech: "Seventy-five-thousand people at an outdoor sports palace, well, that's something the Fuehrer would have done" (lots)
A former consultant for Anheuser-Busch in St. Louis accused of stealing from the company. His punishment is expected to be watered down and tasteless (78)
Looks like playing golf can add five years to your life. Duffing that tee off into the water will take 10 take years off your life, though (90)(Some Guy) "Participants identified their personal portraits significantly quicker when their faces were computer enhanced to be 20 percent more attractive" (92)
"Participants identified their personal portraits significantly quicker when their faces were computer enhanced to be 20 percent more attractive" (92)
If you're poor and on food stamps, you can go to the Houston Zoo for free. But officials ask that you please not steal any of the animals' food to take home (87)
British Best in Show Competition: Entrants bark, sit, stay, roll over and blast enemies with solar cannons (23)
Man decides that since his wife can't walk around naked on his neighbor's porch, that he should spit on him every time he sees him. That is all (170)
New study finds that people have to get to work somehow, and if they get robbed along the way, that's a risk they're willing to take (54) Soy may reduce sperm count, even in modest amounts. Or maybe men who choose soy products are kind of girly to begin with (130)(Some Blogger) Interview with National Enquirer editor about catching John Edwards in an affair. Note: They had seven reporters at the hotel and there were at least 10 witnesses to Edwards trying to hide (258)
Interview with National Enquirer editor about catching John Edwards in an affair. Note: They had seven reporters at the hotel and there were at least 10 witnesses to Edwards trying to hide (258)
Man fined £30 for smoking at work. In his own van. Which he uses as a self-employed painter. And he wasn't working at the time. Or even driving to a job (97)
Man says he tried to snag Drew Peterson by posing as a woman and leading him on by instant message (38)
Bill Gates and Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg announced on Wednesday that they would spend $500 million to stop people around the world from smoking. DUHHH smokes don't have software (83)
If you've ever thought "Hey, I could really use a chart to keep track of who in the Bush Administration could face criminal charges, and for what", you're in luck (163)
Parent busted after helping son's Boy Scout troop earn badges in porn watching, cigarette smoking, and beer chugging (45)
17% of officers in the US military are black. 14% of Americans are black. Article says US military black officers are very rare (197) Call off the HBO boxing analysts: Ex-fiancee/mother of groom courtroom catfight won't happen. Mom drops lawsuit after her son got dumped by bride-to-be (19)(WGAL) Chinese post signs around Beijing teaching citizens how not be rude bastards when Olympic tourists arrive (115)
Chinese post signs around Beijing teaching citizens how not be rude bastards when Olympic tourists arrive (115)
117 sick, neglected cats, other animals found at Obama's home. What? Omaha home? Ooh. Never mind (71)
Dead man found in drivers seat of car that had received a parking ticket. No, not in England this time (33)
Scientists recover complete dinosaur skeleton, a Tarbosaurus. Also find partial skeleton of a dinosaur that died by running with scissors, a Tardosaurus (100) Hulk Hogan "disgraced" that his wife is now dating a 19-year old boy, says his life is "total insanity." Not like he's asking for it or anything (158)
Dinosaurs diversified over time. But even their portfolio wasn't enough to save them from the housing crash (32)
That Iowa Farker who asked for our help with his campaign slogans? Well, he's using them. Really (126)(Some Guy) 'Moore was part of a July 9 prank in which he dressed the headless roadkill in a blue graduation cap, white muscle tank top and shorts" (22)
'Moore was part of a July 9 prank in which he dressed the headless roadkill in a blue graduation cap, white muscle tank top and shorts" (22)
Who is the biggest asshat? The couple with the Calvin peeing on Obama sticker on their truck or the woman who goes beserk and calls them racists? (246)
Stretch of road to be named after Tim Russert; to curve to the left slightly before ending rather abruptly (46)
Man uses an AK-47 to clear a traffic jam, a father, and two kids. Was an illegal immigrant protected by San Francisco's sanctuary laws. This did not and will continue to not end well (451)
Researchers in the field of drunkology hope to redesign streets to make them more drunk-friendly. In other news, people research drunkology. Professionally (36)
More than one million New Yorkers struggle to speak English. Which begs the question: only one million? (80) Gun rights activists say that everyone ought to be able to carry a gun in a national park, presumably to prevent the scourge of pick-a-nic basket-jacking (155) Stay in a beach resort in the UK for just £10 a night. The catch -- no toilets. The other catch -- the hotel is made out of sand (18) In a flash of brilliance, police think "hey what if we post the weird 911 calls we get on to YouTube, because that will discourage people from making weird 911 calls" Yeah (31) As the media moves to correct itself for glowing coverage of Obama, it's entering a period of shallow analysis (186)
Grinch.... er... Nintendo president says he can't guarantee there will be enough Wii's available in the U.S. this Christmas. Then he jumped from a diving board into a warehouse full of money (260) To the surprise of absolutely no one, the guy who sold his life on eBay will have to take it back because none of the top bidders can complete the deal. And he can't even leave negative feedback. Bummer (17)
The arctic could hold 90 billion barrels of oil. And, conveniently, will soon melt so that it will be easier to extract the oil (88)
"X-Files" star David Duchovny claims to have seen a UFO. But he was "having a hard time then, you know, life" so he could just have easily been drunk (43) New Zealand university offers $5,000 reward to anyone managing to arrest Condoleeza Rice in her upcoming visit to the country. What could possibly go wrong? (115) The government is urging parents to use steamy TV soap scenes to talk to their children about sex (19)
The Christian Bale "assault" on his mom and sister? He just yelled at them after his sister asked him for $200 grand to "help raise her children" and he turned her down. The heartless bastard (305) 78-year old woman has her purse snatched, outruns 20-year old crook, gives her a damn good shaking. Fark: her grandson is an Olympic sprinter. With "angry fist of Gran" photo (42)
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