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Monday, December 01, 2008

Emus on the loose in Ontario. Authorities plan to capture them using bad poetry as bait (5)

(Great Falls Tribune) Weird

Judge upholds law prohibiting parolees from owning bows, instructs Sheriff of Nottingham to enforce ruling (4)

Attention, doctors: If you insist on offering your female patients free mammograms, try not to tweak the nipples. It looks a bit suspicious (39)

(Some Guy) Dumbass

So it turns out that using untrained, unprotected officers, as your meth clean-up crew might not be a good idea. Who knew? (13)

Possibly the most entertaining Headline of the Week roundup we've had so far. Also, Drew's It's Not Fark It's News update (23)

Indian authorities had warnings of Mumbai terrorist operations nine days prior to attacks but "it got lost in the computer system". If only there was a country that offered tech support (68)

BBC apologizes after TV star commits indecent exposure live on the radio. Wait, what? (39)

Study reveals left-handed children do worse in national tests than their right-handed peers. Researchers are puzzled by the results, but suspect a sinister plot (92)

Now that Thanksgiving is over, media dusts off the old "the office holiday party should not look like 'Girls Gone Wild'" article (67)

Toe nibbling wakes wife from 13-year coma, creeps her out (58)

Having solved all other problems, the Big Apple demands that you get a Big Permit if you plan to decorate an outdoor Christmas tree, Hanukkah bush, or Kwanzaa shrub (34)

Strange things may be happening at an Cheesecake Factory in Arizona. "A cook would stand in the middle and rub his genitals into my genitals." (175)

(Some Guy) Photoshop

Photoshop this stampede (32)

Pentagon to deploy 20,000 uniformed military...inside the United States. No word on billetting or if the uniforms will be bright red coats (364)

Mayor of Birmingham, AL arrested on corruption charges as city prepares to declare bankruptcy (70)

Mass suicide in Indiana has police baffled, folks wondering if John Cougar Mellencamp is releasing a new album (87)

(Some Guy) Silly

This year's lame ass article/advertisement on the items in 'The 12 Days of Christmas' says they would cost $86,609, up 10.9% from last year (26)

President-elect Obama continues with plan to destroy America, names Hillary Clinton to Secretary of State position (lots)

UN conference assures that failure to address climate change will lead to "war, hunger, poverty and sickness." Which at least will only require re-training one of the four horsemen (188)

Jesus Christ, it's a lion. Get in the snowmobile (89)

Palm Beach County's GOP is a bit miffed that a home-schooled 19-year-old upstart was elected to join their Republican Executive Committee. Of course, the fact that he's a white supremacist might also be a factor (153)

Man who slept with gun under pillow has licence revoked for being irresponsible, despite insisting it would not have gone off in wife's face or hair (53)

(Some Guy) Weird

"An Irish judge has thrown out two separate drink-driving cases because of the danger the defendants inhaled alcohol from their own urine while in custody" (41)

Note to Australian Air Force: If you're going to build a fence to protect your airfield from intruding wallabies, make sure all the wallabies are actually outside the fence when you build it (46)

Stephen Harper may have regrets about thet circular firing squad he put together last week... and about to add "Former" to his "Prime Minister" title... not so "honourable" though (287)

American Airlines now charging fees to non-passengers. Satire tag has to beat back Obvious tag with its carry-on luggage (43)

(Some Guy) Spiffy

Coolest photos of a gathering storm over Greenland you'll see ... well, pretty much ever, actually (85)

Mumbai cemetery refuses to bury terrorist gunmen, virtually assuring their return as super terrorist zombies (63)

(wmtw.com) Dumbass

Man outruns police until he crosses the county line then pulls over, confident that all the old movies were true (57)

Woo-woo guru Deepak Chopra discovers who is responsible for the terror attacks in India. Hint: The culprit begins with an "A" and rhymes with "Bamerica" (219)

Mugger puts away his knife to meet his victim man-to-man in a squeegee duel (22)

There's no way I'd wear this space-age man corset...except it makes me look kind of hot (82)

(Some Guy) Dumbass

Two men dress up as security guards to get on the sidelines for a college football game, somehow forgetting that real security guards would already be on the sidelines (17)

Plaxico Burress's lawyer says that he will arrest himself and turn himself over to his local police department after accidentally shooting himself in his leg on Friday after discovering himself trying to break into his own house (81)

Man dressed as a woman fires shots inside a Wal-Mart during a robbery attempt, police organize dragnet (24)

As credit crunch hits, people increasingly turning to sex as "a cheap way to pass the time." But only if it's done right (120)

You know it's hot when even the presence of a crocodile in your pool fails to deter you from having a swim (22)

Women use their boobs to trap men and take their money. Oh, this time they're using chloroform too (71)

Aquarium employee charged with grand theft, admits he's no angel, got cod up in it just for the halibut (35)

Crayons - they're not just for eating anymore (25)

Lagoon city of Venice threatened by high water, flooding. No, this is not a repeat from 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, 2000, 1999, 1998, 1997, 1996, or any other year since the 13th century (24)

(Some Guy) Obvious

French found to be the biggest dicks in Europe (90)

Supermarkets selling alcohol cheaper than water. Surprisingly, some people think that's a bad thing (22)

Welsh couple say The Most Trusted Name In News gave away their hiding place to Mumbai terrorists (66)

Huge explosion in Slough. David Brent among the missing. Cabbage everywhere (77)

Tipping holiday tipping tips for tippers. Tip (283)

India considers anti-terror body, closing barn door (44)

Melbourne to outlaw "bad street musicians". Ummm, make that "Melbourne to outlaw street musicians" (45)

City council thinks it can curb alcohol-related fights by giving drinkers bubbles to pacify them after a night at the clubs "This is completely bonkers" (41)

The "Office of the President Elect" has no real authority. Photoshop other attempts to make an unofficial thing seem more "official" (59)

Since repealing the smoking ban didn't fill Atlantic City casinos, they will now try letting patrons wearing Santa hats chase Hooters girls through the halls (25)

Dinosaur fossil poachers apparently victimize Cleveland Museum of Natural History. In other news, apparently there are dinosaur fossil poachers (61)

In the Farmer's Market 500, one driver manages to hit seven cars in 13 minutes, gets NASCAR contract (24)

The "Ashley Dupree" of Scotland forces a Sheriff to quit his job after his heavy whipping sessions were discovered (49)

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Muslims condemn Mumbai attacks, pork (221)

Top 20 "top 10 lists" list (28)

(Some fry surgeon) Strange

Police seize frying pans in homicide investigation. Imagine the skillet took to get this investigation to pan out. They seem to have a handle on the clues, though (52)

Some people have names tailor-made for their careers. What's your aptronym? (355)

Power company finds way to discourage excessive electricity usage - charge your customers $200,000 a month (42)

The New York State Bowling Association takes a strike to its economic balls that may cause business to go into the gutters. Members now asking a judge to spare them (39)

Hiker goes missing in Goblin Valley. Elf, dwarf, and cleric promised an Enchanted Sword of Fire +3 if they find her (148)

(Some Guy) Photoshop

Photoshop this good time girl (64)

No acorns or hickory nuts in Virginia's oak trees this year. Scrat wanted for questioning (111)

New study finds 64% of high school students have cheated on a test, 35% lied on a survey (79)

(Some Guy) Amusing

Bicyclist blocks traffic in a Jack-in-the-Box drive-through because he was denied chicken strips. "Go ahead and call the police. I'm making a stand." A bicycle stand, as it were (437)

Chinese girl, born in America and raised by a white family, is taken to China by her birth mother. Has difficulty adjusting to weird Chinese life, digesting dog meat (248)

Bad Santas (32)

Raise your glass in a tabasco-topped tomato toast. It's the Bloody Mary's 75th birthday (76)

How boring is Canada? The Weather Network has become a "pop phenomenon" (159)

Eighty-year-old finds lost brother six blocks away from his house (28)

Farker springchiken on the cover of the Oregonian newspaper for the next five days (136)

Scotland dyes its sheep blue to celebrate St. Andrew's Day, spice up their sex life (pic) (27)

(Budget Travel) Strange

Worlds weirdest hotels. Includes inexplicable bonus slide show featuring a young, cartoon Bruce Campbell (27)

(Some Guy) Florida

If you have been leaving goat, pig, sheep and chicken heads around this subdivision, the police would like a word with you (19)

(Some Guy) Followup

Pennsylvania county wants to offer parents an easy, affordable way to completely alienate their children and lose their trust entirely (83)

Student hangs Santa hat on "impossible to climb" spire on top of 60-foot building as end-of-term prank. Nanny State sends 3 fire engines and 10 firemen, who spend over an hour taking it down (94)

If you live in NYC and ride the subway to work or school, you've probably been late because of delays. NYC Transit division now offers excuse notes that blame the subway for your lateness (65)

Swedish police cordon off large area of central Halmstad amidst fears that blow-up doll might, well, blow up (22)

Newlywed couple, who are both abstinence teachers, kiss for the first time. Sex Ed teacher to join them on their honeymoon (224)

(Some Guy) Interesting

Ten reasons to be antisocial. Read it then fark off (288)

New report states more employees visting porn sites at work. Really? no, really (60)

The crash of an Air New Zealand plane off the coast of France last week has been traced to the **shakes magic eight-ball** gravity. Just kidding, they're blaming the paint job (66)

Woman adopts 3-year-old cocker spaniel from animal rescue group. Cocker has two puppies. Animal rescue group wants to "rescue" the puppies. Stay classy, guys. (with ugly-ass cocker spaniel puppy pics) (164)

Iowa has one simple request. And that is to have snowplows with frickin' laser beams attached to their roofs (41)

Photoshop this wishing well (68)

If spray-on pot was real: the seven most ingenious smuggling techniques (that got caught) (36)

On a slow news weekend, the BBC does not talk about dangerous Christmas toys, or the effects of eating turkey. Nay, they are better than that. A story about Princess Diana's sex life. Stay classy, Britain (45)

The latest unfathomable number of what the economic rescue package might cost: $8.5 trillion ($8,500,000,000,000 or $8.5 x 10¹² for you math nerds). You still get a rock (290)

UK supermarket budget foods not such a bargain after analysis confirms their contents to be almost entirely food-free. No need to ask about analysis on own-brand UK toothpastes (63)

Annoyed with Florida's strange and unusual everything, space shuttle decides it isn't going to take it anymore, moves west (66)

American company sold, everyone laid off without warning. Just kidding, employees got a thank you that will boggle your mind (257)

Washing your hands means you're less likely to eat the family dog, abuse a kitten, or steal money (30)

Mainstream media, upset that their dire predictions of retail doom and gloom proved false on Black Friday, are now spinning it that we aren't buying enough gadgets (78)

Researcher at the Royal Institute for the Painfully Obvious discovers women often don't get along with their mothers-in-law. With bonus collection of mother-in-law jokes (71)

Britain issues first biometric ID cards with fingerprints and facial details, but has not issued a single scanner yet. That's some damn fine security work there, Nigel (30)

Catholic cleric attacks Disney for corrupting children's minds, says Catholicism has historic monopoly on magical sky people and talking flora and fauna (141)

(WWL)

Apparently, the ACLU has a problem with giant, taxpayer-funded flashing crosses in Christmas displays (328)

The question of our age is finally asked: When is too early to put up Christmas decorations? (122)

Swiss head to the polls to decide whether or not to quadruple their tourism draw (51)

30 days hath September, April, June and November. All the rest have thirty one except, and this is really quite important, February. Did you get all that? (58)

Photo gallery of phone sex workers. Be afraid. Be very afraid (153)

Switzerland set to approve prescription heroin as "safe alternative" for addicts. Amy Winehouse announces immediate plans to move to Zurich (52)

Dmitry Medvedev says he was able to see two earthquakes hit Alaska from his backyard today. You betcha (49)

Gunmen shoot eight on Mexican border, slap horse on ass with last dying gasp (57)

Cop lifts car off of crash victim. Upon further inspection, it turns out his badge number is 24601 (108)

Photoshop this splash of blue (55)

80 whales re-enact the opening scene from "Saving Private Ryan" (55)

(Some medieval redneck) Fail

If your brother barges into the bedroom you share with your live-in boyfriend and defends your honor with a crossbow -- twice -- you just might be a redneck (59)

"The animals are fiercely territorial and efforts to relocate them often lead to lethal wombat combat" (57)

Wanted: lighthouse keeper in SF Bay. $100,000 plus room and board on SF Bay Island. Great views and a foghorn that goes off every 20 seconds, 24 hours a day, 7 months a year. Must have commercial boat operator's license. Huh? (74)