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Saturday, July 26, 2008

(KMTR-16)

This just in: Don't let your precious snowflake eat your car's air freshener (7)

Add "being buried alive under hot asphalt" as bad way to die #738 (114)

Friday, July 25, 2008

(nasaimages.org) Cool

New NASA image archive site catalogues thousands of stunning images. Images of alien life forms suspiciously absent (45)

Old and busted: Waterboarding. New hotness: McDonald's french fries (78)

"The nurses who looked after me were mostly grubby - we are talking about dirty fingernails and hair - and were slipshod and lazy. Worst of all, they were drunken and promiscuous" (56)

Police kill man at radio station. No word on whether or not the perp's guns were filled with hot sauce (36)

Pit bull attacks boy, did NOT know who it was messin' with (217)

Anna Yang: soap bubble artistry (34)

Old-maid and busted: Matching bridesmaid dresses. New hotness: Matching bridesmaid cleavages (92)

(WFIE)

That guy claiming to be an "underwear researcher" and offering twenty bucks to let him "research underwear" on your kids? Sure, that's how they do market research (46)

Hottest trend among college students? Getting food from a food bank (288)

(Some Guy) Dumbass

Woman who rammed her estranged hubby's girlfriend's car of the road did the same thing to her husband in March. She's like the Gallagher of crazy chicks (49)

Gun-toting thug wannabe orders a pie from Pizza Hut. Undercover cop delivers him a Tombstone, instead (132)

Owner of American-style BBQ joint in London lashes out at snooty food critics, says his customers love sizzling beef and pork, dripping in sticky barbecue sauce, with accompaniment of deep-fried goodies. GO USA (83)

Judge pulls a knife on defendant. In open court. The Sun is . . . confused (64)

If you put the DMV examiner in the hospital during your driving test, chances are you didn't pass (20)

If you've stolen 3.4 tons of ooOoOOoOoOOoOoOoOooOooOOOoOOOOoOoo solution, New Jersey police and lots of pissed off little kids would like a word with you (70)

Police arrest con artist who pretended to be Frank Sinatra's grandson (w/ mugshot that is the spitting image of Ol' Blue Eyes) (68)

Poll of America's favorite alcoholic drink shows that despite a hiccup in 2005 when effete, wine-drinking poseurs bum-rushed the survey, beer is still king (118)

Photoshop these orange workers (42)

Francophone lawyer claims all of Alberta's laws are invalid because they are only written in english. Bonne chance avec ça, eh (92)

(Florida Today) Florida

Man celebrates one-year anniversary of his last police chase with a new 100 mph, two-city police chase (24)

(Some Zombie) Amusing

One night stand and BRAAAIINNNSS (64)

(Some Guy) Asinine

City council to allow felons to run massage parlors. A prison term with a happy ending (31)

Man arrested just for placing a bet at a casino blackjack table. Apparently, you can't bet marijuana. Who knew? (146)

Schools may attempt four day weeks to cut fuel costs, teacher-on-student lust (57)

(WWMT)

Stealing beer from a Tiki bar? Better go by canoe . . . and leave a floating trail of empties so police can find you (11)

Mugshot round-up: Get Out of Jail Free (331)

The show "Extreme makeover: home edition" renovates your house and pays off your mortgage. Builder also gives you $100k. Now the bank wants to foreclose on your house. You're doing it wrong (108)

(Some Guy) Amusing

Think you had a crazy 21st birthday? You've got nothing on this guy. Story includes semi-nude football dummy tackling, and then it gets weird (62)

If you text while you're walking around, you might walk into things, says the Institute for the Blindingly Obvious (37)

(Some Tree Hugger) Unlikely

An online global-footprint calculator asks, "Do you have electricity in your home"? Then proceeds to tell you how much of a waste of space you are (359)

Poland refuses to allow DNA testing of Frederic Chopin's heart. Just what are they Haydn? (67)

Texans: Thank God, Hurricane Dolly has finally passed and the worst is over. God: Not so fast (146)

Hot 43 yr-old arrested for running through park naked as part of a "truth or dare" game with teens, who said she provided alcohol and was going to expose her breasts to them. (w/ mug shot of woman who, amazingly, is not a teacher) (201)

Hello Newman (73)

Second confirmed West Nile case in USA. Can we panic now? (93)

Jilted bride-to-be sues her ex-fiancé for not being enough of a sugar daddy, wins $150K and the respect of golddiggers everywhere (260)

She was all "No I di'nt: and the cops were like "Oh yes you did" and she was like "No I di'nt" and the cops said "Oops our bad" and her lawyer said $$$$ (105)

(Time to get a new fence) Cool

Ugly-ass baby girl elephant born at the Pittsburgh Zoo. In fact, it's the second one in under a month. "The other elephants were all very excited and trumpeted repeatedly following the birth." Ugly-ass pic available (41)

(The Conservative Voice) Unlikely

UFOs and aliens are really fallen angels sent by Satan to test Christian faith. Nice to see that all cleared up (442)

Step 1) We're sorry, but the trailer you won in our e-bay auction is full of bees. Step 2) What trailer? We never sold you a trailer. Step 3) Lawsuit (232)

(wsbtv.com) Scary

Suburban restaurant scores a whopping 15 on their health inspection. Among the violations - extra protein in the soup in the form of flies. Fark: Still not the lowest score in the county... that was a 13 (70)

(Some Guy) Asinine

NY's Finest prove how tough they are by cuffing a truly dangerous suspect -- a 10-year-old boy who hit the school bully in the back of the neck with a bean (45)

Norfolk &%$#-in' VA to @#$&-in' rescind %&@#$mn anti-profanity ordinance (42)

"I got p---ed because my lawn mower wouldn't start, so I got my shotgun and shot it. I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want." (119)

Last call, Farkers. North-Central Jersey Fark Party tomorrow night. Grasshopper in Morristown (188)

Office workers dig graves during graveyard shift to fill in for striking workers. Wait, wouldn't ANY shift be a graveyard shift at a cemetery? (38)

Finally. Someone is inspired by Dane Cook (218)

(Some Yat) Scary

State trooper does news interview about idiot drivers on I-10. Idiot driver offers a demonstration (334)

Bike messengers -- those guys who think they own the street, run red lights, and cause accidents with their recklessness -- find that their jobs are being endangered by the Internet. Keep up the good work, Internet (309)

Craigslist CEO: we hate to kill newspapers, but our classified listings are booming (159)

RIP Professor Randy Pausch, of "One Last Lecture" fame (162)

Reminder: NYC Fark party TOMORROW. DIT (24)

Would-be thief comes up with clever way to steal gasoline by wrapping credit card transmitter in Reynolds Wrap, but his plan was foiled (44)

(Some Guy) Amusing

Burnt popcorn prompts evacuation at University of Texas dormitory. EVERYBODY PANIC (93)

(Edmonton Sun) Followup

And all he wanted to do was build a three-hundred meter banana and float it in geostationary orbit above Texas (73)

A dwarf burglar has defended his life of crime claiming that it is the only career open to a man his size. Well, besides posing for trophies (62)

(xeev Wisconsin) Obvious

Lawv txojsia luv los vim lumfai sibtsoo xwb (211)

Police officer shoots suspect to keep him from hurting himself by swallowing drugs (59)

France to trim their military by 54,000 troops, leaving them with two inept soldiers, and a Citroen 2cv with a WW2 machine gun on the roof (102)

(Some Dad) Photoshop

Photoshop RagingLeonard's daughter after kicking the whole playground's butt (70)

How a drunken bar brawl became an international incident between the US and Serbia. Zombie Archduke Ferdinand snickers (71)

And it came to pass, in the eighth year of the reign of the evil Bush the Younger (The Ignorant), when the whole land from the Arabian desert to the shores of the Great Lakes had been laid barren, that a Child appeared in the wilderness (596)

You might be an editor, but woe betide you if you remove a single letter from this man's restaurant review (159)

Speeding, driving erratically and changing lanes without signaling to pass a funeral procession is bad. Worse when it's a funeral procession for a firefighter, being led by the Highway Patrol (68)

Readers of Esquire are soon to be exposed to the publishing industry's latest attempt at re-inventing itself -- a battery-powered magazine with a flashing cover (74)

1800-year old sculpture depicts Elvis. Not the 50's cool Elvis, the 70's fat Vegas Elvis (128)

ACLU says CIA got CYA from DOJ (135)

If you fail to notice that your car is disintegrating around you while you move, you may be too drunk to drive. Dumbass drunk driver trifecta in play (62)

New Zealand university students withdraw $5000 reward for arrest of Condoleezza Rice after Auckland police district commander invites them to enjoy a nice cup of STFU (122)

Police detective suspended for claiming overtime for watching porn at work, promises to finish faster next time (30)

Japan to begin giving acupuncture to tuna in attempt to improve their sushi (45)

If you are hiking on an ice-covered mountain, tying yourself to several family members may not help. Anyone (130)

(Press and Journal) Dumbass

If you're too drunk to drive, you're also too drunk to pull your car along with a rope (21)

If you're going to take crotch shots of a girl passed out drunk, don't do it when you've just helped load her into the ambulance (121)

Photoshop this nerdgasm: A stormtrooper hula-hooping in a bikini (55)

Concerned citizens in the Sacramento area have an eye towards that inevitable day when Zombies overrun us. Thank you, good people, thank you (77)

Family of four weighs 900 pounds, amusement park ride holds 700 pounds. Check the tag, do the math, show your work (304)

Qantas comes VERY close to farking up that perfect safety record. Damage limited to big hole in cargo hold and 350 people with soiled underwear they bought at K-Mart in Cincinnati (130)

(Fayetteville Observer) Hero

First woman in U.S. Armed Forces history is confirmed by Senate to wear 4 stars. Hero tag shatters 232-year old brass ceiling, Boobies tag stays hidden under camouflage (165)

(WREG)

Man breaks into bar, tries to cook food, catches the bar on fire, dies . . . Darwinstocrats (42)

(Some Guy) Interesting

Harper's New Monthly Magazine, April 18, 1874: "I venture the prediction that within one hundred years from this time Cincinnati will be the greatest city in America, and by the year 2000, the greatest city in the world" (163)

Bear in Alaska bites woman's head then spits her out. Did she taste bad? I dunno. Alaska (113)

It bothers some to see vultures perched outside their hospital windows. "I've had patients tell me, 'Doc, it's not very reassuring.' " (80)

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Air Force missile silo crews caught sleeping on the job, will be replaced by WOPR (167)

Three people injured in horse drawn carriage accident. This is not a repeat from 1512 (33)

(Some Guy) Photoshop

Photoshop theme: Not-so X-treme activities in X-treme locations. LGT example (67)

Remember when NC had to recall 100's of "WTF" plates? Well, Arkansas just upped the ante (266)

The land devoted to opium poppies in Afghanistan, even at the current record level of production, totals just 637 square miles, less than a third the size of Rhode Island (117)

(Some Sweaty Guy) Stupid

State of New Mexico is SHOCKED to find out that Scientology-based rehab program that incorporates sauna and massage into treatment is not effective (w/ bonus sweaty druggie pics) (88)

(Some Guy) Amusing

Who said it? Batman or Bush? (link goes to video) (119)

News: Fishermen snared by floating tuna ranch pen. Fark: Ship towing the pen didn't notice the marooned boat sitting in the middle of it for over two hours (40)

It apparently needs repeating: Do not tailgate on the highway if you are transporting $25,000 worth of smack (54)

Evolution has ensured that humans respond to anecdote, instead of science. Which explains the success of chiropracty as well as those urban legends your secretary forwards you (434)

Oklahoma taking nominations for state rock song. Have at it (253)

How to piss off airport staff: Try to get a dwarf through checked baggage (72)

(Durant Democrat) Dumbass

Oklahoma lawmaker brings loaded gun to Capitol. Again. Bonus: It's not her first time on Fark (103)

Girls don't suck at math, they just dupe your dumb ass into doing their homework for them (179)

(Some Guy) Dumbass

How many times do 7 and 9 go into 44? According to the police, 30 times (130)

(Federal Bureau of Investigation) Interesting

The FBI debunks 10 myths about itself. J. Edgar Hoover's dressing habits fail to make the list, which shouldn't surprise us, as they only list myths (80)

That baby photographed swimming naked for Nirvana's album cover is now 17, hates school, likes water polo, and is grappling with his public image. "Quite a few people in the world have seen my penis. So that's kinda cool." (195)

Obama addresses an estimated crowd of 200,000 people in Berlin, 185,000 of whom were just there for a concert by the Decemberists (too many)

Newseum celebrates 100 years of the FBI. Interactive exhibits include "Let's Wiretap Martin Luther King" and "J. Edgar Hoover's Fashion School" (22)

(Some Flyin' High Guy) Amusing

What to do with that old junked 727 that your dad left you (88)

(Some Chick) Photoshop

Photoshop this strange bird (64)

Here is the church / here is the steeple / another crane falls / and crushes two people (112)

Ben Stein on Obama's convention speech: "Seventy-five-thousand people at an outdoor sports palace, well, that's something the Fuehrer would have done" (½)

A former consultant for Anheuser-Busch in St. Louis accused of stealing from the company. His punishment is expected to be watered down and tasteless (78)

Looks like playing golf can add five years to your life. Duffing that tee off into the water will take 10 take years off your life, though (90)

Upset that inflation is ruining his name brand, 50 Cent sues 79 Cent, 89 Cent and 99 Cent (221)

One doctor's story of her time in Darfur. Not safe for soul (¼)

(Some Guy) Amusing

"Participants identified their personal portraits significantly quicker when their faces were computer enhanced to be 20 percent more attractive" (92)

If you're poor and on food stamps, you can go to the Houston Zoo for free. But officials ask that you please not steal any of the animals' food to take home (87)