Blog Guy, your blogs about the lesser-known Olympics events have been eye-opening. Thanks for being the only one to write about Bare-Knuckle Self-Fighting, while the Mainstream Media just crams swimming down our throats. What else aren’t we seeing?

Well, I’m a huge fan of the Equestrian Jump-Over-it-Yourself event. This is where a horse gallops up to the fence, stops suddenly, and throws its rider over. It’s a very complex maneuver, and to get the most points, the riders have to look like they’re not expecting it.

Sheesh! I’m e-mailing NBC to demand coverage! Is there more stuff they’re hiding?

Absolutely. For instance, the so-called television coverage ignores my very favorite event, Women’s Stiletto-Heel Lingerie Slap-Boxing. You be sure to mention that in your e-mail to the network, and tell ‘em you saw it here.

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New Zealand’s Katie McVean falls off Forest after he refused to jump a fence during the equestrian jumping individual first qualifier at the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games in Hong Kong August 15, 2008. REUTERS/ Caren Firouz

Models play a game on the catwalk during “Hot in The City” lingerie collection in Sydney, August 15, 2008. REUTERS/Daniel Munoz

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Memo to sales staff: Okay, what do we do when our swimwear business is slow? We invent a brand-new piece of clothing that people never even knew they needed.

So, I’m proud to unveil the SHOULDER DOILY! Every woman is going to want one. These thick woolen garments will have you sweating like a pig under the hot sun, sending attractive rivulets of flop sweat cascading down your stomach. All the fun of a sauna, all day long!

And, they send a playful message: “Hey, Big Boy! I bought a bikini to expose a lot of flesh, and now I’m covering it up with this thing, so maybe I’m conflicted. Are you feeling lucky today?”

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A model walks the runway wearing Custo Barcelona creation by designer Custo Dalmau of Spain during ColombiaModa fashion show in Medellin July 31, 2008. REUTERS/Fredy Amariles

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Guys, you have to believe me! I have a REAL date with a REAL fashion model! I met her online. I checked her name with the agency, and she’s genuine.

I’m sure she’s drop-dead gorgeous. I thought it would be cool to see her for the first time like this, working at a fancy show. I brought you guys along so you can spread the word about how lucky I am. Earl, you capture all the magic on this video camera, so my ex will die from envy.

After this show, I’m taking this chick straight to the poshest place in town. She’ll be coming down the runway soon, and she’s gonna flash a V-sign. She’s supposed to be wearing something yellow. Man, I can’t wait! Are you rolling, Earl?

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A model poses during the show of the label “Anglomania” of British designer Vivienne Westwood during the ‘Fashionweek Berlin Spring Summer 2009′ in Berlin, July 20, 2008. REUTERS/Hannibal Hanschke

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Quick quiz: The German phrase on this fashion model’s chest translates to…

a) “How’s my driving?”

b) “I can text-message with my bosom!”

c) “Help me get this ridiculous pink thing off my head!”

d) “Your call is very important to us”

I’m told it may mean “Fashion is a beautiful charade.” Then again, it may relate to that Schiller dude, whose missing skull is the stupidest story of the year, and his concept of an aesthetic illusion. Or, if the model is using her navel for punctuation, that could change everything.

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A model shows a creation from the label ‘Susanne Wiebe’ during ‘Fashionweek Berlin Spring Summer 2009 ‘ in Berlin, July 17, 2008. REUTERS/Tobias Schwarz

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“See a female colossus… her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs, giant desires!”

The year was 1958, and the big schlocko summer B-movie was “Attack of the 50-Foot Woman,” about this wife who grows to enormous size and goes after her cheating  husband. It was not a true story.

Fast-forward exactly half a century to 2008, and what I gather must be a remake of that movie, judging from the photo below. But unlike all those other stupid movie remakes I complain about, the time could be right for this one.

For women movie-goers it offers a tale of empowerment, social justice and vengeance against a pig husband. For guys, it offers, well, a hot Amazonian chick in a bikini and stiletto heels. Where are the drive-in movies when we really need them?

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Above: 1958 movie poster

Below: 6′5″ tall model Iwona poses with spectators in front of Potsdamer Platz square in a bikini by German designer Torsten Amft to promote his show at the upcoming Berlin Fashion Week in Berlin July 12, 2008.  REUTERS/ Hannibal Hanschke

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Blog Guy, why don’t designers ever give us a chance to dress like great women of the past, evoking the glamour of bygone days? 

You should check out some creations from a recent haute couture show in Paris. One, called the Mother Teresa, makes the natural connection between a saintly  woman who worked with the poor of the Earth, and, you know, super-rich chicks with a fortune to spend on designer dresses.

Did they offer anything else for those of us who may not be on the path to sainthood?

Yes, there was also one outfit named after a celebrated 19th century novelist who dressed like a a man and called herself George Sand. 

I see. Let’s go back to the Mother Teresa one, then. How would that look with my patent Jimmy Choo pumps?

Models wear outfits called Mother Teresa (R) and George Sand (L)  during French designer Franck Sorbier’s Autumn/Winter 2008-2009 Haute Couture fashion presentation in Paris, July 1, 2008. REUTERS/Philippe Wojazer 

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Dear Blog Guy, I have a fashion problem and I hope you can help. People tell me I have a very nice build, but I think I’d prefer to look like I have a huge butt. Does anyone design clothes that do that?

Wow, I have to say I don’t get that request very often. You should check out an outfit I tracked down for you at a Paris fashion show just yesterday. If this doesn’t protect you from bothersome compliments, nothing will.

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A model presents a creation by Italian designer Alessandra Facchinetti for fashion house Valentino as part of her Haute Couture Autumn-Winter 2008-2009 fashion show in Paris, July 2, 2008. REUTERS/Eric Gaillard

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Memo to fashion design staff: Okay, I take full blame for this. When I asked you to design “a slinky dress” for the fashion show, see, I didn’t mean to use a real Slinky.

I think we have a real safety issue here. Do you know how much effort this poor model is exerting to fully extend the Slinky and stand upright? Do you know what’s going to happen when she snaps backward? It is NOT going to be a pretty sight!

You guys take a big net, and be prepared to run after her when she starts going boing boing boing down the runway - if she bounces out the door, we’ll NEVER catch her!

Related: No! Haven’t you ever seen velvet art?

A model presents a creation by French designer Jean-Paul Gaultier as part of his Autumn/Winter 2008-2009 Haute Couture fashion show in Paris July 2, 2008. REUTERS/Eric Gaillard

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Hey, Blog Guy. I’m furious! I tried to go swimming at my favorite beach yesterday, and there was a sign saying “Hat, scarf and flower  required.” Have you heard of anything like this?

Yes, it’s becoming common. Look, you can try to fight it, but while you’re there arguing, professional models will sashay right onto the beach, because they are already dressing like that at the big fashion shows. 

I suggest you give it a try. If you hit the beach tomorrow with a big hat, a long scarf and a corsage, I guarantee people will pay attention to you.   

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A model presents a creation as part of British designer John Galliano’s Spring/Summer 2009 men’s fashion collection in Paris June 27, 2008. REUTERS/Benoit Tessier

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Blog Guy, I heard there was a competition in England for dumb blondes, where they…

Excuse me? We don’t engage in such stereotypes in this blog.

Sorry. I mean, a competition for motorcycle models who are fair-haired. Anyway, I wanted to find out how it came out.

That’s better. You’re talking about the one where they had to figure out how to open and close an umbrella. It only started yesterday, so there’s still no winner.

Related video

Kawasaki models struggle with their umbrellas in high winds before the British Motorcycling Grand Prix at the Donington Park circuit, central England June 22, 2008. REUTERS/Darren Staples

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