Note to fashion design staff: Every so often we need to remember that haute couture is about raw animal sexuality. It’s about a woman feeling desirable, about giving her the confidence to think, ”Hey, I’ll never look HOTTER than I do tonight!”

Take the Pierre Cardin number shown here. When this woman shows up in this sizzling outfit,  jaws will drop and every man in the room will want to take her home.

“So, gorgeous! What’s YOUR name?”

“They call me Gumby, big boy!”

“Well, Gumby, do you know how turned on I get when I see a chick in a blue sleeping bag with slits for her face and arms?”

“Yeah, you and every OTHER dude! Get in line! **

**  A simulated conversation not based on real events.

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A model presents a creation by French designer Pierre Cardin as part of his 2009 spring/summer and autumn/winter ready-to-wear fashion collection in Theoule-sur-Mer, southern France, October 6, 2008. REUTERS/Eric Gaillard

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Blog Guy, can you please settle a bet for me and my friends? Who is the best-looking guy in the world today?

Women tell me it’s George Clooney, for sure.

Cool. Then what can other guys do to look more like him?

Well, the main thing is the suit. A dude like that spends four, maybe five hundred bucks on a single suit, so of course he’s going to look great. Oh. And wear a tie, too.

A nice suit and tie? That’s his secret?

Pretty much, but to really clinch the deal, you should tape this picture of Clooney next to your bathroom mirror and practice looking like him. You know, do funny stuff with your eyes, make a Hollywood smile… In no time, women will start thinking you’re him, just like they do with me.

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Actor George Clooney arrives for a charity dinner in Venice, Italy, August 26, 2008. REUTERS/Max Rossi

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Readers come to this blog for the very latest in diet and beauty news, and it’s time again for Diet and Beauty Fair 2008, in Tokyo.

This year, the trend is very much to treat humans like food. For instance, there is this blue room, the “Salt Studio,” which uses salt tiles, high temperatures and humidity.

Yes, that does indeed sound pretty much like the process for curing country hams and slab bacon. For smooth skin that resembles a big old pork chop, you can’t beat it.

Then there is this white capsule gizmo which supposedly offers LED light, aroma, vibrating mattress, high density oxygen and healing music. Fair enough, but if you look closely it resembles a human panini grill. I believe your main decision every day is what kind of cheese you want melted into your flesh.

More new Diet and Beauty Fair stuff tomorrow, including the George Foreman Human Tenderizer and the Gourmet Griddle O’ Death.

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above: A “Salt Studio,” which uses hexagon-shaped natural salt tiles, high temperatures and humidity.

below:woman reclines inside “Alpha LED light-spa” at the Diet and Beauty Fair 2008, August 25, 2008.  The spa is a relaxation capsule which provides treatments such as LED light, aroma and high density oxygen.

REUTERS photos by Yuriko Nakao

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Hey Blog Guy, I know you’re completely on top of movie remakes and sequels. I’ve heard there is going to be another Jurassic Park sequel. Is that true?

Yeah, I’m afraid so, and as so often happens with sequels, this franchise has run out of steam.

The premise of this one is that a beauty pageant is held at Jurassic Park, which supposedly has been cleared of dinosaurs, but of course there are some left. The special effects for “Jurassic Park: Beauties and the Beasts” are the cheesiest yet, as you can see from these studio promotional photos. Are we just supposed to not notice some guy’s fingers?

I don’t recommend this one unless you’re really into vapid, half-naked blonde chicks being terrorized and dismembered by scaly green reptiles. Oh, never mind - I see you’re already in the ticket line.

Barbie Slideshow

A piece by LaVonne Sallee titled “Z-Warrior Barbie in Battle with an Iguana” sits on a display at the “Altered Barbie” exhibition in San Francisco, August 11, 2008. REUTERS/Kimberly White

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Guys, you have to believe me! I have a REAL date with a REAL fashion model! I met her online. I checked her name with the agency, and she’s genuine.

I’m sure she’s drop-dead gorgeous. I thought it would be cool to see her for the first time like this, working at a fancy show. I brought you guys along so you can spread the word about how lucky I am. Earl, you capture all the magic on this video camera, so my ex will die from envy.

After this show, I’m taking this chick straight to the poshest place in town. She’ll be coming down the runway soon, and she’s gonna flash a V-sign. She’s supposed to be wearing something yellow. Man, I can’t wait! Are you rolling, Earl?

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A model poses during the show of the label “Anglomania” of British designer Vivienne Westwood during the ‘Fashionweek Berlin Spring Summer 2009′ in Berlin, July 20, 2008. REUTERS/Hannibal Hanschke

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Dear Blog Guy, I have a fashion problem and I hope you can help. People tell me I have a very nice build, but I think I’d prefer to look like I have a huge butt. Does anyone design clothes that do that?

Wow, I have to say I don’t get that request very often. You should check out an outfit I tracked down for you at a Paris fashion show just yesterday. If this doesn’t protect you from bothersome compliments, nothing will.

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A model presents a creation by Italian designer Alessandra Facchinetti for fashion house Valentino as part of her Haute Couture Autumn-Winter 2008-2009 fashion show in Paris, July 2, 2008. REUTERS/Eric Gaillard

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As you may have read, a woman is suing Victoria’s Secret because she says she was hurt by her thong panties when a metal clip holding a rhinestone flew off and hit her in the eye.

Personal injury is a very serious thing. Still, if this comes to trial she’s probably going to have to show how it happened in court. I can see lawyers, jurors and the judge all wearing industrial goggles to protect their eyes while the woman pulls on thongs every which way, trying to duplicate the sharp zing of flying rhinestones.

As a dedicated consumer advocate, I’ve tested odd claims before. You may recall Help me, I’m in a grape jam!  If something bad happens, please explain to my family why I was found in a room full of extra large thongs, the walls pock-marked with staples and shards of imitation gems. They’ll want to know what happened.

More news about Victoria’s Secret

Model presents winged angel lingerie by Victoria’s Secret in 2000 file photo. REUTER/Fred Prouser

Brazilian model Adriana Lima poses with lingerie at a Victoria’s Secret store in 2004 file photo. REUTERS/Albert Ferreira

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Okay Hef, we get it. You can always scrounge up these three chicks to bring to big events, like this Hollywood thing yesterday.

Indeed, as you can see from the combo shot below going back three years, it’s the same smiles, just different dresses. They show up everywhere, sort of like on Bonanza if Pa Cartwright had daughters instead of sons. When I see these photos, I always have the same questions:

If you get invited to a big event, isn’t it kind of tacky to say “I’d like to bring THREE guests?” And how do they all fit in the same taxi? Does Hef have to sit in front with the driver? When they go to church do they like take up an entire pew? You know, I wonder stuff like that, just like every other guy.

Related: Who says the 1950s are over?

(above) Hugh Hefner (2nd L) poses with Bridget Marquardt (L), Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson (R) as they arrive at the taping of the American Film Institute’s 36th Life Achievement Award gala honoring Warren Beatty in Hollywood, June 12, 2008. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

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Welcome to a feature we call “Can I sue my freaking hairdresser?” Folks send us photos of God-awful hair, and we give legal advice.

We’re getting queries from soccer fans who went too far for Euro 2008. Sports-related bad haircuts are always thrown out, so these three below are out of luck. Oh, my mistake - the lady with red hair turns out to be an actual model, at a Hair Expo, so she can sue and will win big.

Just to show how complicated this legal stuff is, the woman with the black hair that looks like a matador hat, the dumbest hair style of them all, has no legal grounds. Why? Look at her. Incredibly, she seems to like it!

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Euro fans: REUTERS/Felix Ordonez

Hair Expo models: REUTERS/Daniel Munoz

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We’re back again at Beautyworld Japan, the same event that brought us the Pink Bedpan Necklace yesterday, because we wanted to see if they had anything more ridiculous than that to offer. And guess what?

“Okay, Mr. Sherman, loosen up. We’re just gonna jam your face underwater in this aquarium and let these little bitty piranha babies nibble your skin. They’ll cleanse your face and, you know, maybe expose a little skull.

“If you think you need air, just start struggling. Don’t panic. Most folks can go a lot longer than they think without breathing. Okay little fishies, LUNCHTIME!”

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Kazuhiro Aoki puts his face in an aquarium as Garra rufa, a fish used for skin treatment, nibbles his skin at the Beautyworld Japan trade fair in Tokyo, May 20, 2008. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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