Blog Guy, my commuter train was an hour late again today! Happens all the time! What can we do?

Well, by way of comparison, that happened in the Buenos Aires suburbs today, too.

Yeah? Do they have a consumer action group there?

Yes. Their consumer action group set fire to a train and hurled stones at a ticket office.

That’s some kind of consumer action! How many hours late was the train?

Um, the railroad says it was 20 minutes late.

Holy moly! What was it that pushed them over the edge, anyway?

I don’t know for sure, but I’m guessing things got crazy after some bureaucrat in a uniform came out and said, “Your call is very important to….”

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Firefighters put out a blaze in a train at the Merlo station, in the western suburbs of Buenos Aires, September 4, 2008. REUTERS/Enrique Marcarian

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Quick quiz: Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, who now earns a living telling scary campfire stories for young and old and bills himself as “BOO-liani,” is saying here…

“So the THUMP-THUMP-THUMP was his head, rolling down the old staircase!”

“Then he screamed, ‘That isn’t RAIN on my windshield, it’s BLOOOOOOOD!’”

“Suddenly, she realized! The call was coming from INSIDE the mayor’s mansion!

“If the capital gains tax is raised, we won’t be quite as RICH!”

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Former Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani speaks at the Republican National Convention in St. Paul, Minnesota, September 3, 2008. REUTERS/Mike Segar

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Blog Guy, I love the test matches you set up to answer reader questions about what beats what. You’ve done a gopher vs. racing cars, real bikes vs. stationary bikes and horses vs. container ships, among others.

So now, I have one. Who would win in a foot race between a movie actress and a lion statue with wings?

This was NOT easy to set up, let me tell you! I hired actress Tilda Swinton and flew her to Venice, Italy, to go up against exactly the kind of statue you described. We told them to race to a black and white pole we had set up, and it was a dead heat.

Thanks! Now, what about a race between a giant warthog and a ventriloquist?

Sorry, you’ve already had your turn.

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British actress Tilda Swinton arrives at the Venice Film Festival August 28, 2008. REUTERS/Max Rossi

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Here’s a story about police in Germany hunting for a guy who was video-taped riding a skateboard down a steep stretch of highway at more than 60 miles an hour.

WHY are they wasting our tax money on this? And by “our” I mean other people’s tax money. These police never studied Bob’s Third Law of Cartoon Physics?

At some point soon, this doofus will be streaking downhill and take a sharp curve, only to find a chasm where a bridge used to be, a duck poised to slam him with a big shovel, or maybe a freshly-built brick wall.

There will be much noise, he will bounce past the moon, and will be aware of a stuttering pig saying “That’s all, folks!” This is how an orderly universe deals with guys like this. No need for the police.

Looney Tunes screen grab

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Hey Blog Guy, I’ve been asleep for the last year. What’s the main issue in the upcoming election?

Uh-oh. I slept a lot too, but I believe the big issue is music.

Music?

Yes. Republicans want to make country music our official music. If you watch their convention you’ll see lots of signs saying “COUNTRY FIRST.”

That’s not much of an issue. 

It is if you think how much the Democrats love rock ‘n’ roll.

What about classical music?

Get real. That’s for Europeans and Austrians. They can’t vote here.

Do the Republicans accept any other kind of music at all?

Sure. Some of them are okay with both country and western.

You don’t know anything, do you?

Not much, so it’s nice of folks to read my blog.

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Delegates cheer during a tribute to John McCain’s military service, at the Republican National Convention in St. Paul, Minnesota, September 2, 2008. REUTERS/Shannon Stapleton

U.S. Senator Joe Lieberman addresses Republican National Convention, September 2, 2008.    REUTERS/Brian Snyder

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Blog Guy, looking around the Republican Convention, I saw a fairly famous guy who might have been overlooked for the number two slot on the ticket.

Yeah, I think I know who you’re talking about. He doesn’t seem to be what they’re looking for. He was closely associated with a war, and that’s not the right image. He’s also not very popular in the South, and isn’t likely to bring in those states.

I didn’t think of it that way. What else is wrong with him?

He’s from Illinois but probably couldn’t take that state from Barack Obama.

So he would bring nothing to a ticket?

I  wouldn’t say that. The team who vetted him for the veep slot noted that his Secretary of State, William Seward, bought Alaska. One thing leads to another, and when they went up there to ask the current governor about him, well, you figure it out.

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Missouri delegate George Engelbach, wearing a hat and beard reminiscent of former U.S. President Abraham Lincoln, walks the floor at the Republican National Convention in St. Paul, Minnesota September 1, 2008.  REUTERS/Brian Snyder

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Blog Guy, did I miss it? Have you announced the top five most popular items in your blog for August? I stayed home Labor Day Weekend just for this!

You didn’t miss anything - it was very close this time, and knowing that some people bet heavily on these results, we reran the data just to make sure.

Once again, a diverse spread of topics, from bicycle trees to tips on looking like George Clooney, to stuff from the Olympics. You may now collect your winnings.

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5. Mmmmm, ripe, juicy bicycles!

4. Stuff they don’t want you to see

3. Even better-looking in person!

2. I’m dropping my pants…

1. A very goofy photo opportunity!

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Okay Blog Guy, I enjoyed your advice on how average guys can look just like George Clooney, but I’m outraged over that Clooney photo you used in your blog, with his eyes all googly and everything! It was horrible!

On behalf of loyal Clooney fans everywhere, I DEMAND that you publish a different picture of this extremely handsome man!

Sure thing. Here you go.

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Actor George Clooney poses at the Film Festival in Venice, Italy, August 27, 2008. REUTERS/Max Rossi

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Quick quiz: The guy in this photo is saying…

“Hi! Looks like we’re seatmates all the way to Tokyo!” 

“You don’t mind if I fly naked, do ya Bob?

“You take the middle seat. Sometimes I have to get to the lavatory REAL fast!”

“Bob, those bloggers make me CRAZY! I’d love to get my hands on one! So what do YOU do?

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Meir Ezra prepares before competing in the Mr. Israel bodybuiding contest in Tel Aviv August 30, 2008. REUTERS /Sharon Perry

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Blog Guy, I worry that the candidates don’t get enough to eat. 

Are  you kidding? They won’t starve. Each candidate eats an estimated six gallons of ice cream daily! They go through a dozen cones at a single stop, so all the photographers can get pictures.

I had absolutely no idea!

Sure. Why do you think a dentist travels on each campaign plane, to make sure tooth decay isn’t an issue despite all that sugar?

But what about that lady candidate, Sarah Palin? I don’t see any photos of her eating mounds of ice cream.

Look, she’s a former beauty queen, so she’s a little timid at first. Give her another week and she’ll have syrupy rivulets of butter pecan rolling down her sticky chin, just like the rest of them.

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Republican candidate John McCain in New Concord, Ohio August 29, 2008. REUTERS/John Gress

Democratic nominees Barack Obama and Joe Biden in Aliquippa, Pennsylvania, August 29, 2008. REUTERS/Jim Young

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