Behold, the emerging images from last night's opening of that resort in the Mammon-humping hellscape that is Dubai, where the unofficial theme for the party seems to have been "Celebrities who you don't EVER have to listen to if they EVER start lecturing you on human rights again"

Madonna picks potential suitors out of the crowd. Photograph: Ethan Miller/Getty

Right. Now that's out the way it's time for those concerned to dust down their party frocks and move on to find new love. I'm thinking, of course, of Madge and Guy - to whom, by the way, a pint of real ale on LiS down his own Mayfair pub in recognition of not pursuing Madonna for any money

Jennifer Aniston tells Us magazine how much she enjoys curling up on the sofa in front of an old episode of Friends

Movie director's new film will be Monopoly - a movie based on the board game

Set your faces to stunned, and behold the trailers from the Star Trek prequel, in which Winona Ryder plays Spock's mother

Kate Winslet: making half a stand. Photograph: Chip East/Reuters

I am confused about why anti-fur celebrities are prepared to wear fake fur. In photos, if the fake is any good, it looks like real fur. Therefore, in print or on film, the vegetarian, vegan or otherwise concerned celeb appears to be wearing fur ...

Lost in Showbiz is too upset to talk about the following, but it's an exchange from Newsweek's transcription of an interview between one of its young female reporters and Jean Claude Van Damme, who we'd assumed was still in seclusion in the intensive care unit of a Thai dog hospital. All you need to know is that he is talking about his new movie, JCVD, in which he post-ironically plays himself. At least he is at first. The Newsweek reporter's quotes are in bold

h.o.t Henry Conway. Photograph: AP

Never mind Scarlett, Halle, Ben Affleck, and, er, Colin Powell. Knowing how fond y'all are of Henry Conway, it will doubtless delight you to hear he is an Obama supporter

In a dizzying development that eminent "numerologists" would no doubt interpret as highly significant, Lost in Showbiz has three pieces of sensational and new-ish news – which are all about trilogies

Diddy had to make do with a T-shirt while he waited for the Obamajamas to come out. Photograph: Alan Diaz/AP

Where does Barack Obama rank in the rolling league table of global celebrity? A little above Sting, but some way below Madonna? Higher or lower than Michael Jackson? Is he a Marilyn or a Mandy Rice-Davies?

Jason Donovan: partying with the big boys. Photograph: Sarah Lee

Today's WTF-tinged weekend round-up: on Saturday, Kate Moss and her boyfriend Jamie Hince, 50, met up for a nice pub lunch in the country with Jason Donovan. Of course, connoisseurs of Jason's searing 2007 autobiography will recall that Jase'n'Kate go way back

The Dallas cast: Texas's answer to the Borgias. Photograph: Peter Larsen/Getty Images

News that the cast of Dallas was to reunite at Southfork, for one brief and glorious evening, to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the uber-soap's first broadcast, offered a sudden oasis of hope and delight

Chelsy Davy, Paris's best mate. Photograph: Davidson/O'Neill/Rex Features

Paris Hilton has reportedly struck up a close friendship with Prince Harry's girlfriend, Chelsy Davy, while filming in the UK for her new reality TV show Paris Hilton's My New British Best Friend! Like, how totally amazing is that?!

Don't worry folks, Otis is doing fine. Photograph: Peter Macdiarmid/Getty

Many of you have, we know, been terrifically anxious about how the joint-master of the South Shropshire Hunt, and son of Roxy Music singer Bryan Ferry, Otis, has been holding up in prison as he awaits trial for robbery, assault and attempting to pervert the course of justice

A kissing couple on Second Life. Virtual affairs are just as painful, you know ...

Move over Madonna: there's a more interesting divorce in town. A 28-year-old woman called Andy Taylor has divorced her husband because he was having an affair in the virtual world of Second Life