DO YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME ON THE INTERNET?

[Via Shamus of Twenty Sided] The rock band Weezer released a halfway decent song called Pork and Beans, the video for which contains references to 28 popular internet meme videos.

I've seen 16 of them before.

Score that a solid 57%, and I think this means my geek street cred is now somewhat in question.

Although to be fair to myself, I'd actually been tempted to click a link to Chocolate Rain before, but deliberately chose not to.

MY OWN HORN, I AM TOOTING IT

If you've heard about Nancy Pelosi asking some protesters "Can we drill your brains?", you will LOVE this piece I posted at IMAO.

Seriously, it's one of the best things I've written in months.

Just Contemplating

Michelle Obama said there were 18 million cracks in the glass ceiling.

MY analogy is that there are 18 million beavers cutting down the forest of workplace gender oppression.

20 FOR 20? I THINK I NEED TO STOP READING TRIVIAL PURSUIT CARDS FOR RELAXATION

I was born in '66, and I aced this. This should be easy for Baby Boomers, and increasingly difficult for Gen's X, Y, and Z.

[Million Times Forwarded Email from Blogless Brother Roy]

MEMORY TEST! This is NOT a pushover test. There are 20 questions. Average score is 12. This one will be difficult for the younger set. Have fun, but no peeking! Good luck, youngsters.

1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?

A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The Buttmaster
C. Spaghe tti
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
F. Milk
G. Cod Liver Oil

2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...

A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
E. Fabian
F. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay

3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and...

A. It's you
B. He is us
C. It's the Grinch
D. He wasn't home
E. He's really me an
F. We quit
G. He surrendered

4. Good night David.

A. Good nigh Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good night Irene
D. Good night Gracie
E. See you later alligator
F. Until tomorrow
G. Good night Steve

5. You'll wonder where the yellow went...

A. When you use Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C. When you clean your tub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
F. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's friend....

A. Stuart Whitman
B. Randolph Scott
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G. Krebbs
E. Corky B. Dork
F. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo

7. Liar, liar...

A. You're a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fire
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher
F. On the wire
G. I'm telling Mom

8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fi ghts a never ending battle for truth, justice and...

A. Wheaties
B. Lois Lane
C. TV ratings
D. World peace
E. Red tights
F. The American way
G. News headlines

9. Hey kids! What time is it?

A. It's time for Yogi Bear
B. It's time to do your homework
C. It's Howdy Doody Time
D. It's Time for Romper Room
E. It's bedtime
F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
G. Scoopy Doo Time

10. Lions and tigers and bears...

A. Yikes
B. Oh no
C. Gee whiz
D. I'm scared
E. Oh my
F. Help! Help!
G. Let's run

11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone...

A. Over 40
B. Wearing a uniform
C. Carrying a briefcase
D. Over 30
E. You don't know
F. Who says, 'Trust me'
G. Who eats tofu

12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a t elevision commercial wearing women's stockings...

A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Stauback
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway

13. Brylcream...
A. Smear it on
B. You'll smell great
C. Tame that cowlick
D. Grease ball heaven
E. It's a dream
F. We're your team
G. A little dab'll do ya

14. I found my thrill...

A. In Blueberry muffins
B. With my man, Bill
C. Down at the mill
D. Over the windowsill
E. With thyme and dill
F. Too late to enjoy
G. On Blueberry Hill

15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by...

A. Clark Gable
B. Mary Martin
C. Doris Day
D. Errol Flynn
E. Sally Fields
F. Jim Carey
G. Jay Leno

16. Name the Beatles...

A. John, Steve, George, Ringo
B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo
F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George, Ringo

17. I wonder, wonder, who..

A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?

18. I'm strong to the finish...

A. Cause I eats my broccoli
B. Cause I eats me spinach
C. Cause I lift weights
D. Cause I'm the hero
E. And don't you forget it
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
G. To outlast Bruto

19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today...

A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera
B. Smile, you're on Star Search
C. Smile, you won the lottery
D. Smile, we're watching you
E. Smile, the world sees you
F. Smile, you're a hit
G. Smile, you're on TV

20. What do M & M's do?

A. Make your tummy happy
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
C. Make you fat
D. Melt your heart
E. Make you popular
F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
G. Come in colors

Answers in extended entry...

Stupidest Sentence Ever Written

Besides "I'm Barack Obama, and I approved this message", of course.

From a panicky, fear-mongering article on global warming:

You read that correctly. After unqualifiedly declaring globally-warmed weather to be unpredictable, he immediately declared his predictions as to what that weather would be like.

HANDY IF YOU'RE BORED OR HAVE KIDS

The 10,000 Page Coloring Book.

Abstract line drawings that you can print out and crayon to death.

[Hat tip: Lynn of Violins & Starships]

OBAMA'S FISHY FUNDING

Pam of Atlas Shrugs has compiled a LOOOOOOONG list of contributions made by an obviously-fake "Jeanne McCurdy" to the Obama campaign. Her point being that this should cast a pall of suspicion over the identity of Barack's shadowy and possibly Muslim contributors.

While I appreciate that she worked hard on this. I don't care.

Come November, the reason I won't vote for Obama will STILL be that he's a fucking socialist.

COURTESY LINK

Right Wing News polled right wing bloggers (me included) to ask their most and least favorite living, currently in office, elected Republican officials.

Interesting lists.

My "most" guy didn't even make the cut. I said Ron Paul.

Let me clarify. I like this guy as a Representative. I would love this guy as a Senator. On matters domestic, we see perfectly eye-to-eye. However, I would never vote for him for President, because he thinks that we have no right to engage America's enemies until they're on American soil.

I disagree, so I don't want him as Commander-In-Chief.

My "least" guy came in at #5. John McCain.

Plain & simple, I will never forgive him for McCain-Feingold. It's a grotesque mockery of free speech rights, despite the Supremes giving it their blessing, and as such, I consider his sponsorship of this law a violation of his oath to preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution.

On the other hand, I like his "kill terrorists" policy. He would be a good Commander-In-Chief.

But domestically, he's going dump a big, tarry, bucket of crap all over this country.

REMEMBER

7-7-05

CAN I MAKE A WILD GUESS, TOO?

I can't believe we're supposed to take these morons seriously.

9... to 88...

A range of 79 cm, or about 31 inches.

Wow... could they be any LESS precise? "Might be a couple inches, might be a yard".

That's not even a SWAG. That's just a WAG.

Well, to celebrate Independence Day, I'm giving a good ol' American finger to these international dipsqueaks by making MY highly scientific prediction on the expected rise in global sea level:

Between 0 and 8 centimeters.

Which is 10 times more precise, and has just as much chance of being accurate as any other prediction about a chaotic system that is - by its nature - absolutely immune to prediction.

When someone can give me an accurate 10 day weather forecast, I'll start listening to 100 year weather forecasts.

Or not.

Like global warming, it's kinda hard to predict.

TOO GOOD NOT TO SHARE

A couple of related videos. First, the truth about what a crappy car the Toyota Prius is:

Second (courtesy of Blogdaughter Teresa of Technicalities), how to dispose of your crappy Prius should you accidentally end up owning one:

WHY I DON'T WATCH NETWORK NEWS ANY MORE - UPDATED 8:45PM

I counted only one sentence in there that wasn't of the "guns are Satan" variety:

Least. Objective. Story. Ever.

UPDATE 8:45PM - What if they're right?

5 YEARS

From my first post until this one.

Give or take a few hours.

To help me celebrate, you can leave a comment for me, and include a link to something that's either "delightful" or "disturbing". You don't have to mention which it's supposed to be.

I'll start:

Pictures of naked women. But they're in famous works of art, so it's actually intellectual and classy. But the entire montage is to stripper music.

I found it delightful.

5 YEARS ALREADY?

Well, no, not quite yet.

That would be Saturday, June 21st, 2008, which is five years after Saturday, June 21st, 2003.

Early Saturday, I will have a blogiversary post for you to leave comments on. Here's my request for gifts:

Leave a link to something that's either "delightful" or "disturbing", but don't mention which it is in your comment.

Surprises are fun.

COURTESY LINK AND EXPLANATIONS

Right Wing News polled some right wing bloggers (including me) and asked some questions about McCain, Obama & the election:

1) If you had to guess today, who do you think will win the election in November?

Obama - I already explained that one.

2) Who do you think the Democrats' strongest candidate would be in November?

Obama (vice Clinton) - see above

3) In the Senate, do you think the GOP is more likely to...

Lose seats - I think the MSM has done an effective job of tarring & feathering Bush, and there's plenty of spillover for the rest of the party.

4) In the House, do you think the GOP is more likely to...

Lose seats - see above.

5) Do you believe Barack Obama is...

Liberal (vice Moderate) - Socialist, more like, but that wasn't one of the choices.

6) Do you believe Barack Obama is patriotic?

No - a patriot supports the Constitution. Obama doesn't believe that that document limits his powers.

7) Do you believe Barack Obama is an anti-white racist?

No - I'm sure he feels a sense of affinity towards people who share his skin color. Most people do. This affinity may, at times, rise to the level of prejudicial stereotyping. Also fairly common. But blind, ignorant racism? I haven't seen it from him.

8) Do you believe Barack Obama is a Muslim?

No. Half, by birth, if you can be said to inherit a religion. But I've seen no evidence that he practices or believes in Islam.

9) Do you think Barack Obama is competent and experienced enough to be President?

No. Policy-wise, he's completely ignorant of how free-market economics works. He knows some law, but he doesn't understand what consequences those laws bring about. But more important is the image he projects. When he's off the teleprompter, he stumbles & mumbles and he can be easily knocked off balance. McCain - despite a similar deficiency in the politics of freedom - can at least remain cool under pressure. Probably in large part to his background as a military officer. You can't rattle him. And when he tries to sound tough, he sounds convincing, not petulant. He'll make a good Commander-in-Chief, even though he'll be a bad President. Obama will bungle both jobs.

WHEN YOU MUD WRESTLE, EXPECT TO GET MUDDY

ABC News headline:

All the article's fluff aside, here's the only issue: unfavorable reaction to Michelle's statement: "For the first time in my adult lifetime I'm really proud of my country."

If you try to analyze what kind of person would make such an odd statement, ABC thinks you are "ugly" and "love to hate".

But here's the truth: when someone publicly voices an opinion in favor of a candidate, they should expect those words to be analyzed by bloggers and the press. This applies to everyone, including me.

If Cindy McCain starts stumping for John, then her words can, will, and should be subject to analysis, too.

I don't know if that's "fair", exactly, but it's how the game of politics is played, and since everyone knows the rules going in, it's "fair enough".

When you state your political opinion, choose your words carefully, and be prepared to back up your position if someone questions your meaning.

If you're not up to the task, stay out of the discussion.

HOT PANTS

Right:

Wrong:

WHY OBAMA WILL WIN

Lynn of Violins & Starships linked some presidential candidate answers to (vaguely) science-related policy questions.

If you've been following the candidate news at all, there aren't many surprises, but it's still nice to see it put out in so many words.

Not that these words will have any effect on the outcome of the election, because that's not how America, as a nation, chooses its leaders.

This is why Obama will win:

1) He's better looking

2) His voice is more pleasant-sounding

3) He can sound sincere while making statements designed to appeal to emotions.

He looks good, he sounds good, and he can reach you emotionally.

Since TV became THE method of covering the elections (say about 1960), the leader of the free world has also been the leader in these three categories. Policies & ideas be damned.

The 20% of America's voters who essentially flip a coin on election day will usually flip it for "the charming guy". And that's how elections are won.

So stock up on non-perishables, because it's gonna be a bumpy ride once Carter 2.0 gets the reins.

FLASH!

Blogdaughter Teresa of Technicalities points out that there's a gaping security hole in my Adobe Flash player.

Since I use Flash all the time for everything from fun little online timewaster games to random video clips, I figured I should get this fixed.

Seriously, I don't have time to deal with a virus.

If you don't either, click the link, and thank Teresa.

Oh, and be sure to patch ALL your browsers on ALL your computers.

WAY TO BURY THE LEAD, CNN

First two paragraphs:

Then this bit of information which is, I would say, rather important to understanding the story:

Second paragraph from the end.

So maybe headline should've read "Australia Reduces Troop Levels By 30%" instead of the incredibly misleading "Australia Ends Combat Operations In Iraq"?

Assholes.

CNN, not the Australians.

Except for that asshole Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, for whom, apparently. Bali is just a faded memory.

IT'S NOT VETERAN'S DAY

But it's related.

Ogre mentioned in his post that Memorial Day "is really about those who followed through and actually gave their lives in defense of the concept of America".

Really the two holidays are two sides of the same coin. The coin is joining the military, which is not actually "giving your life". No one joins with the intention of dying. It's about risking your life. It's about taking the chance.

Some people win the bet & come home alive. That's what Veteran's Day celebrates. But for some folks, the coin comes up tails.

That's what Memorial day is all about.

I don't believe the dead can hear, so I'll thank the families, instead, for supporting those in uniform who were brave enough to put the coin in the air, and my condolences for when it came to rest unfavorably.

SORRY, BUT I GOTTA BE HONEST HERE

After hearing of Ted Kennedy's terminal brain tumor, my thoughts, prayers, and best wishes go out to the family of Mary Jo Kopechne, who are at last getting their long-delayed smidgen of justice.

CHANGE OF PERSPECTIVE

I hate Nickelback.

Grindy, wheezy, no-talent hack vocalist backed by the least inspired power-chord-whacking AC/DC fan-band rejects to ever pick up a Fender.

"Rockstar" is possibly their most egregious example.

But after seeing what blogson Mike the Marine did with it, I do believe I've had myself a Grinch-picking-up-the-sleigh moment.

Check it out.

CONSTRUCTION TECHNIQUE

So, when you make a peanut butter & jelly sandwich, do you spread the jelly on the peanut butter, or spread each on their own slice of bread?

'Cuz frankly, I'm with the duck on this one - there's just something deeply unnatural about you "on the peanut butter" people.

NOT BECAUSE HE'S BLACK, BUT BECAUSE WE'RE COLORBLIND

There's a big fuss about a T-shirt with a picture of Curious George and the slogan "Obama in '08".

Some people say it's racist.

The guy who made the shirt says that if you look at the ears and the hairline, there's a resemblance.

Which is true:

Fact is, if you're an unpopular politician with ears that stick out, you're going to get compared to a chimp no matter what your skin color.

Right, George?

CALL ME SUPER-SKEPTIC

Physics Geek quotes a warming-denier who claims that the Earth is cooling because of a drop in solar activity.

But as much as I enjoy hearing from someone who's not beating Al Gore's drum, I have to be honest.

I don't believe his numbers either.

Temperature is such an incredibly localized phenomenon that I find it very difficult to give credence to the very existence of "average global temperature".

Much less measuring its change.

Much, much less measuring it to a precision of hundredths of a degree.

Frankly, I consider the idea of "average global temperature" to be about as useful as the idea of "average global moisture". After all, "on average", the whole planet is under a mile of sea water.

Bunk, bunk, and bunk. I'll have no truck with it.

FIRST TIME

Most people I know are my age, give or take a decade.

However, I work with people in their early 20's

Today one of them mocked me for being around when the song "Hotel California" first came out.

That's the first time someone's made fun of me for being old and MEANT it.

It just gets worse from here, doesn't it?

GOOD MARRIAGE DEFINED

Leslie's Omnibus

I'D RATHER FIGHT THAN SWITCH

Blogdaughter Teresa of Technicalities is agonizing over whether it's worth driving another 10 miles to keep her hairdresser.

Apparently it's a tough call, and it brings to mind a line I heard somewhere else:

"I'd rather find a new gynecologist than a new hairdresser."

Which I understand, since far fewer people will notice the results if you have a bad gynecologist.

POWER HUNGRY WOMEN

Lynn of Violins & Starships expanded my vocabulary with the word "gynocrat", which aptly describes those bitter, man-hating feminists who insist on calling themselves "womyn".

Which makes me wonder... if we elected one president and she suspended the Constitution, would that make her a "dyctator"?

AND I THOUGHT I FELT OLD *BEFORE* THIS QUIZ

You Belong in the Silent Generation

You fit in best with people born between 1925 and 1942.
You are a person of high values and character.
Family, your country, loyalty, and hard work all important to you.
You are willing to do what's right, even when it's difficult.

Hat tip: Richmond of One For the Road

ENVIRO-NAZI HALL OF MIRRORS

In other words, we're taxing the crap out of you to pay for an agency that decides how much we should tax the crap out of you.

Better idea: scrap the agency, then you don't need the tax.

SOME VOTERS *ONLY* WATCH DEBATES

"Certainly most of the questions were inane, old, gossipy at this point. I mean Jesus how much more can we hear about Rev. Wright, right?"

Wrong.

These questions may be old to you, but a LOT of people only follow politics incidentally, and this may well be the first time they heard them. They may not even have been aware of the controversies those questions referred to.

Not everyone who votes is a news junkie.

GOOD QUESTION

"If the draft were reinstituted, would it bring about a quick(er) end to the war in Iraq?"

Yes it would.

Not a victory, just an end.

And a new beginning a few years later.

A CONFESSION ON PREJUDICE

I look down on people who can't speak standard English.

Yeah, I know. Who am I to talk? I sound like I just stepped off the set of Fargo.

The thing is, I know proper English, but I frequently choose not to use it in order to support an atmosphere of informal camaraderie.

Some people use non-standard dialects because they don't know any better.

And I look down on them.

YOU GREENIES ARE GETTING ON MY NERVES

I've completely lost my tolerance for environmentalism. I now view it as a strange, insidious, and probably dangerous religion.

The eco-nuts are the new shaven-headed 70's Krishnas, and the whole freakin' world is turning into an airport.

I'M HOPING THIS WORKS OUT

Testing out Haloscan comments. If they work ok, I'm going to put this into my archives, too.

Here's your excuse to test:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

AT MY HOUSE, THIS IS CONSIDERED FOREPLAY

[Hat tip to Lynn of Violins & Starships]

QUOTE OF THE DAY

From Shamus of Twenty Sided, on why most DRM schemes are generally a stupid idea:

To his credit, he does more than just bitch about it, he offers some solutions.

EASTER EXPLAINED

It may not be technically accurate, but that third panel has one of the most profound truths ever put into words.

WHAT CAUSES GLOBAL WARMING? SCIENTISTS DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE

Amazing how global warming advocates will tie themselves into the twistiest of knots to avoid facing the fact that their queer little religion is just a pile of made up shit:

Translation - if their facts don't support our dogma, their facts are stupid.

Oh well, at least SOMEBODY is admitting that global warming is the big fat lie:

That's right, the people predicting eco-disaster forgot to factor clouds into their computer models.

Oops.

Have I mentioned lately how much I hate the global warming Nazis? Because I really, really do.

DEEPLY DISAPPOINTING

Created by OnePlusYou

[via American Digest]

ELEPHANT PAINTS ELEPHANT

About 8 minutes, but fascinating to watch. Yes, that's a real elephant.

Two observations:

I had no idea that elephants had such fine motor control with their trunks.

No upward brush strokes. Only down.

THE OFFICE - EH...

Unless you're actually working in an office, The Office isn't really all that great.

And even if you are, it still isn't.

I mean, only 10% of it is funny. The other 90% is just awkward.

Awkward should only be used sparingly in a comedy, if at all.

FITNA

Fitna is a short movie (about 17 minutes) from the Netherlands that juxtaposes violent verses from the Koran with images of violent actions taken by Muslims, some quite graphic.

Were Islam a decent religion, they'd make their own short propaganda film showing all the good and charitable work that Muslims do, juxtaposed with uplifting verses from the Koran.

They have not done so.

What they HAVE done is threaten death to the good folks at LiveLeak for hosting the film, ironically proving Fitna's point.

However, "the Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it".

The movie can still be found here.

UPDATE: Google Video has it, too.

WORDS I CAN'T FATHOM SAYING AND MEANING

Proof positive that Global Warming is a dangerous cult that preys on the weak-minded:

What else will this person do just because millions of other people do it?

I don't know, but I'm locking the door and loading my Glock, just in case they decide to do it near me.

GOOGLE NEWS SWINGS & MISSES

Looks like one of my Newsish Fakery posts at IMAO got picked up by Google News by mistake:

[Click to enlarge]

Notice how beautifully my headline (at the bottom) contrasts with the one directly above it.

I.
Am.
Amused.

[Hat tip to fellow IMAO-ite Frank J. for bringing this to my attention.]

2 GIRLS 1 CUP - STRANGE JOURNEY

Funny how you get from here to there sometimes.

Blogless Brother Tom was over visiting, and - being the computer geeks we both are - random chatter was accompanied by random web surfing. That's our equivalent to having a radio on in the background. Well, our radio-equivalent was YouTube, which just happened to feature the words:

"Ooh Girl!" - An Honest R&B Song

over this highly amusing video (which is not appropriate for innocent youth, who probably wouldn't get it anyway):

Checking out related videos by the same artists made me realize that Runawaybox is the future of YouTube sketch comedy. Bookmark them.

Still this realization came with a price.

You see, one of their videos is "The Marty Show - 2 Girls 1 Cup", which is a video of this guy watching a popular internet video that I'd never heard of called "2 Girls 1 Cup". And as soon as Marty started watching, I paused the Marty Show & told Tom words to the effect of "We need to watch this video so we get the joke."

It didn't take much Googling to find the basic description - some weird Brazilian fetishist made a video featuring two lesbians thoroughly enjoying a cup of poo, followed by cheerful exchanges of vomit.

I thought it odd that I'd never heard of this video, because there's apparently a strong cottage industry at YouTube of filming people's reactions to viewing this video.

Naturally we set about to see this festival of wrong for ourselves.

Turned out to be quite a challenge to find.

Most of the popular Google links were to what I'll refer to as "sucker pages", where they talk about the video just so that you'll visit their sites and click their ads. Any video links tend to be mere reaction videos, and completely unhelpful to our quest.

I did, however, find a couple useful links:

The one at this forum features the video, but you have to scroll down to see it. The bad news is that it starts automatically, so scroll down fast so you don't miss any pooey goodness.

Over here are some links where you can download the video in FLV format. FLV players can be found via CNET.

Now the reason I'm posting this isn't so that you'll watch the video, or any of the reaction videos (except maybe the Kermit the Frog one), but rather because nothing pisses me off more than having to wade through a bunch of deceptive Google-whoring liars with fake links and duplicitous content to find what I'm looking for. Hopefully this post will keep someone else from having the same problem.

OREOS VS. BREAD

If you leave a package of Oreo cookies sitting out, they will get stale and soft.

If you leave a slice of bread sitting out, it will get stale and hard.

Why?

I would think that both of these baked goods would end up with moisture contents related to the household's internal humidity, and thus end up with similar degrees of pliability.

Scientists and/or bakers, please explain.

SICK OF IT

Unless someone can point toward some fancy plugin that'll keep me from drowning in spam comments, I swear I'm moving back to Blogger.

Tangentially, do people with Haloscan comments get a lot of spam? Maybe I could just install those into my template & shut down these beshitted native MuNu ones.