Posted at 7:14 AM ET, 12/ 1/2008

Morning Look: Zorn's Necklace

When Jim Zorn made this particular motion yesterday, he actually wasn't saying anything depressing, nothing about his head hurting or his soul aching or his positive necklace vibes gradually leaking out of his necklace of unknown provenance. Actually, he was talking about Shaun Suisham's missed field goal, and how he could see what happened (high snap, plant foot too far forward) with his own eyes, in real time.

But whatever. This is how I'm choosing to remember Giants-Redskins II, the game that ran Washington's home record over the past three seasons to 11-12. It was wet, but I stayed inside. Many others elected to stay outside and get outlandishly waterlogged. If you ever see those photos, maybe that's how you'll remember this game.

Regardless, it's a kinda big week for local sports. From yesterday to next Sunday, we have the Redskins playing the Super Bowl champs and the I-95 rivals (on national TV), Maryland hoops playing both Georgetown and GW, the Hoyas playing both the Terps and American, Virginia Tech playing Navy in D.C., the (putrid) Wizards hosting both Greg Oden and Kobe, the Caps at home twice, and who knows what other treasures. The Verizon Center will be hot for six straight days, Tuesday through Sunday, featuring seven Bog-worthy games.

And here's my game plan: I'm going to be vacationing in Miami. Sorry, but it was all based on a childcare schedule set three months ago that was pretty much out of my control. Internet traffic is overrated anyhow, right boss?

Both Lindsay Applebaum and I will attempt to check in wherever possible this week, but, you know. Maybe just look at Jim Zorn's necklace and think peaceful thoughts.

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Posted at 8:11 AM ET, 11/28/2008

Post-Holiday Pith

(By Reinhold Matay - AP)

I'm so thankful for the 94 people who voted in this week's Atlantic 11 poll that I spent several hours compiling this on Thanksgiving night, even though many of these jokes--written four days ago--don't even make sense any more.

I'm also thankful that our ranked teams have gone 4-1 since Virginia's fiasco on Tuesday night, with the one loss No. 11 UMBC's narrow miss against No. 10 GW.

I'm also thankful for the joyous display of fun basketball offered by Maryland last night. They are no longer, in any way, fun to root against. Sorry, Terp haters.

I'm also thankful for editors who let me publish 2,100 words of this nonsense, for the unlimited space afforded by the lords of the Internet, and for Tofurky.

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Posted at 1:17 PM ET, 11/27/2008

Jason Campbell's Ugly Slides Make Zorn Embarrassed

(By Toni L. Sandys - TWP)

The classic Jim Zorn Is Quirky storyline remains his famous slip-and-slide, debuted with baseball's Frank Tanana in Detroit and perfected with baseball's John Olerud in Seattle. It made for great photo-ops, and it cemented Zorn's reputation for being the anti-Belichick, but it was also supposed to teach awkward men how to slide with grace.

Last week, after nine months of lessons, we got to see exactly now well Jason Campbell can now slide.

"Hilarious," Colt Brennan said.

"An implosion, almost," described Pete Kendall.

"He's probably the worst slider in the league," Randy Thomas said.

"That was ugly," Campbell agreed.

"Oh, so embarrassed," Zorn said this week, when asked about the results of his fabled teaching methods. "Did you see it? Ok, enough said. That was SO bad. But anyway, we'll work on that. I'm gonna have renewed energy. I'm gonna put some new feeling into the way I coach him sliding."

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Posted at 4:39 PM ET, 11/26/2008

Smoked Turkeys and Fredasynthesis

Turkey. (By Gerald Herbert - AP)

I've tried to avoid the "what are you eating for the holidays?" locker room questions since two years ago, when the Wizards provided answers that could never really be topped. Gilbert Arenas said he'd "eat a nice hamburger and just call it turkey." DeShawn Stevenson said he'd eat McDonald's.

But two things today made me relent. First was a poster hanging in the locker room at Redskins Park, announcing the NFL's "Nutrition Game Plan" for the holiday season, tips to "make it through the holiday season lean, strong and swift." Someone with access to the NFL logo really ought to be writing cookbooks.

* Squash: The pilgrim who introduced this beauty to the table was a true nutritional visionary. Dig into the Butternut, Hubbard or Acorn varieties and be treated to a mouthful of flavor as well as a whole host of phytochemicals and a potent antioxidant, Vitamin A.

* Pumpkin Pie: This is the pumpkin's time to shine, and boy, does it shine in this position.

And so on. The second thing was an innocent question from the Redskins' official blogger about how Fred Smoot prepares his fried turkeys.

"I inject it, plus I go through a process that I will go through tonight called Fredasynthesis," Smoot explained. "It's when that turkey turns from a turkey to the TURKEY."

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Posted at 2:49 PM ET, 11/26/2008

Malcolm Kelly's Called Sugar

I've been waiting all season for Fred Smoot to break out his library of nicknames for the team's rookies, but he told me today that it's a false hope, that I should pack up that blog item and store it in the basement for another year.

"I don't play with rookies any more," Smoot said. "Because coach didn't let us do nothing to 'em, so I don't."

Disappointing. Instead, I asked to get the nicknames of some new arrivals, like the newest, Ryan Boschetti.

"Boss ain't no rookie," Smoot pointed out. "He's just been The Boss Man since he's been here. That's it."

The coaches?

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Posted at 1:51 PM ET, 11/26/2008

Today in Blachisms: Mice Turds and Elephant Dung

Elephant dung. Roarrrrrgh! (By John McDonnell - TWP)

Special Wednesday treat: in honor of tomorrow's holiday, Greg Blache's weekly media availability was moved up a day. If you were hoping to hear the d-coordinator expound on animal droppings, well, today's your lucky day. (More normal Blachisms over here.)

On London Fletcher's availability: I have no clue. Honestly, years ago I used to say I don't think about it, I don't worry about it, and I'd lie. Right now, it matters to me, but I don't worry about it. I've just learned that hey, me worrying's not gonna make him get well faster, all it's gonna do is make me take more Zantac. You know? So there's no sense in me worrying about it. I've learned not to worry about it. I've learned to worry about the things I can control.

On the key to staying medium: Maturity. And just realizing you have this stomach where it's up in the top of your throat, and you've got heartburn and everything else. You're thinking, 'This is really, really foolish,' because I'm worrying about things I can't control. I was worrying about mice turds, and there's just mounds of elephant dung around. And you realize, watch out for the big stuff and don't worry about the little stuff. Don't worry about those little things, because they're not gonna stay with you as long as the big stuff does.

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Posted at 1:10 PM ET, 11/26/2008

Karl Alzner Arrives in D.C.

(By Marc Serota - Getty)

Over the summer, I wrote about some of Caps prospect Karl Alzner's superstitions and good luck charms and the rest, including his tendency to make wishes at 11:11.

"I don't just make one [wish], I make as many as I can think of at the time," he told me then. "I have three standard ones, that I can't say because I want them to come true, and then I have ones like making sure I have a safe flight. Or I win the lottery. Things like that."

Well, Alzner got called up to the bigs today, and in his brief remarks to reporters, 11:11 came up again.

"You know what, Sami got called off the ice earlier in the day and I knew what the situation was up here," Alzner said. "I knew that there was a lot of guys hurt. And I know a few of you have heard about my 11:11 wishing, and I always make multiple wishes. Well, that day was just one wish, and it was to get called up, and I got called up later that night."

Good for Alzner, and good for me, since he now becomes by a factor of 18 the team's most bloggable player. I lost most of my previous interview, which included long discussions of Alzner's homemade hats and special banana smoothies and shopping trips to U.S. department stores, which is near tragic, but at least he's back in town, so smoothies are back on the table as appropriate lines of questioning.

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Posted at 12:44 PM ET, 11/26/2008

Zornucopia Explained

Sign creator Spencer is in the yellow hat on the left.

Some Redskins bloggers have made scattered mention of the Zornucopia sign from Sunday's Seahawks game. Stupidly, I imagined this to be an homage to the bounty of the harvest season, the pumpkins and squashes and glorious root vegetables that will fill our tables with plenty tomorrow afternoon.

Yeah. Not so much. Turns out Reader Doug, a former co-worker at The Post, and his son Spencer were the creators of the sign. Doug e-mails with the explanation:

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Posted at 11:00 AM ET, 11/26/2008

The Zorn Vocab: "Mr. Official"

Um, Mr. Official? (By John McDonnell - TWP)

I can find only three published instances in the past 12 months where a head coach in any sport has used the phrase "Mr. Official." Oh sure, you can find lots of humorous-type writers dropping in that phrase during fake dialog between players and referees, but you just don't see head coaches actually saying it.

Except for Jim Zorn, who has now used that title at least three times in his various press conferences this season. Each time, I've laughed out loud.

Concerning Ladell Betts's fumble last week: "Ladell tried to explain it away [to me] and talk to Mr. Official, but it wasn't going to be explained away," Zorn said. "It was definitely a fumble."

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Posted at 10:28 AM ET, 11/26/2008

Jimmy Patsos Continues to Lose His Mind

Sometimes you have to lose in order to lose. (By Chuck Burton - AP)

So last night was very good for ex-Gary Williams assistant Ed Tapscott, but it was even more awesome for ex-Gary Williams assistant Jimmy Patsos. Any time the head coach at Loyola can make national news twice in two weeks, he's doing something right.

Turns out his self-imposed exile on the end of the bench and then in the stands was only Patsos's opening act this year. Yesterday, he decided to double team the nation's leading scorer, Stephen Curry, all night, allowing Davidson to play four on three against Loyola on the rest of the floor. It didn't necessarily work; Loyola lost by 30. But the strategy was deemed such an awesome success that the Greyhounds kept it up even in the final awesome minutes.

The quotes were, predictably, even more awesome than the awesome strategy.

* "We had to play against an NBA player tonight," Patsos explained. "Anybody else ever hold him scoreless? I'm a history major. They're going to remember that we held him scoreless or we lost by 30?"

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