Winging It

A friend sent this to me and it was worth it to pass it on to you. If you don't laugh, at least you'll have new insight into my character.

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
4. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
5. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
6. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
7. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
8. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it!
9. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
10. The dead batteries were given out, free of charge.
11. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
12. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is just two-tired.
13. A will is a dead giveaway.
14. A backward poet writes inverse.
15. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
16. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
17. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in linoleum blownapart.
18. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
19. A calendar's days are numbered.
20. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
21. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
22. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
23. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
24. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

There is an invention that came out, apparently, in 2004 of which I wasn't aware. It's a machine, of sorts. It is a unique machine, used in politics by only one side. Google "Republican Attack Machine" and you'll find story after story on this incredibly vicious and quite effective device that the Republican party designed and built. I couldn't find any pictures of the thing, but it must be awesome even thought it's quite secretive. I say it's secretive because you cannot find anything about a "Democratic Attack Machine". Apparently they don't know who made the one that the Republicans use, they don't know how to make one of their own, and they can't seem to find anywhere to buy one.

Perhaps it's the clever way in which the Republicans disguise the thing. You see, they have "the Republican Attack Machine" and "the GOP Attack Machine" and "the Right Wing Attack Machine." So ... which is it? Not all Republicans are right wing. Not all right wingers attack. So there is apparently some deception in the use of terminology that misleads the Democrats.

Perhaps it's just that the Democrats don't want it. You know ... they're a loving group with no intention of making any negative remarks about anyone ever. I mean, look at MoveOn.org. Loving ... simply loving. No unkind remarks. No mean things to say. It's clearly not Democrats who call McCain "McSame" and the like because that would be mean. When John Edwards accused George Bush of engaging in a covert political plot to produce the Iraq War, that was meant entirely in kindness. When Al Gore accused the President of "utter incompetence", it was meant as a friend. Those blogs that reference the Republicans in terms that I don't use in polite company are certainly intending it as helpful suggestions.

Or maybe ... just maybe there is a Democratic Attack Machine similar to (can you say "just the same as") the so-called "Republican Attack Machine" and the media just doesn't like to admit it. Hmmm ... I suppose that could be a possibility.

(Note: If there is any doubt that there is a "Democratic Attack Machine", just look at what the media has done with Sarah Palin. They manufactured lies. (Rumors were constructed on the Internet that Palin faked her most recent pregnancy to cover up for her daughter and that Trig is actually her grandchild. It has been demonstrated to be false.) The press has almost universally presented her in a negative light. On the other side, how many of you have heard that the military officially handed over the Anbar Province to Iraqi control? Remember Anbar? It was the staging ground for al-Qaeda, with Fallujah as a primary city. It was considered by many to be impossible to win there. It is now officially peaceable enough to hand over completely to Iraqi control. Why is it that we haven't heard this on the news?)

Yeah, sure, tell me the media isn't biased!

MSNBC has a show called "Race for the White House." Now, if that isn't a tacit endorsement of Obama simply on the basis that he's black, I don't know what it is.

Huh? Oh ... wait a minute ... yes I do ... never mind ...

What is it with colors? Have you ever noticed that they have a variety of meanings?

If you're angry, you're seeing red. If you're sad, you're blue. A person can be green with envy, and a coward is yellow. If you're healthy, you're in the pink. A "blah" day would be a gray day. And, of course, if you're really in a bad mood, it could be a black mood.

Then we can shuffle the deck. If you work for a company that isn't making money, it is operating in the red. Of course, if it is making money, you would think it was operating in the green, but it's not -- it's in the black. If it happens to be in the red, you might be seeing red. If you were smart you might feel kind of yellow, of course, realizing that they might give you a pink slip which could make you blue, but the goal for them would be to operate in the black. Yeah, like that's not confusing.

So ... what color are you?

People say some really stupid things sometimes. To often it gets passed off as "cool" or, worse, "wisdom." "I've got a mind like a steel trap," someone might say. What does that mean? It's rusty and illegal in 37 states? There are famous quotes from famous people, like when Queen Elizabeth II asked the Beatles, "So, what do you do?" Or when the Foreign Minister of Vietnam said, "We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally." I particularly liked Samuel Goldwyn's classic, "A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." Or the wise guru who said sagely, "It's like the sound of one hand clapping."

There are the classics that everyone has heard. "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why would you keep looking if you found it? "There are more fish in the sea." So ... what's the connection with "fish" and the person you just broke up with? The opposite sex is all wet? Slimy? Easily hooked? What does that mean? How about this one? "If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times." What is that ... a proverb for the math challenged? And a phrase I've never understood: "I couldn't help it." I know it means, "I couldn't stop myself from doing that", so what does "help" have to do with it? It's like, "I could care less" used to mean "I couldn't care less." It doesn't make sense.

Then there are the contradictory ideas peddled as wisdom. Take, for instance, "Many hands make light work." Okay ... but we also know that "Too many cooks spoil the broth." So, which is it? We have all heard, "Look before you leap," but we've also heard, "He who hesitates is lost." So, which is it?

When I was in junior high school, I remember telling my coach, "I can't do that." I don't remember what "that" was, but I do remember his response. "'Can't'," he told me loudly, "means 'didn't try'." Even at my young age I understood that that made no sense at all. "I want you to fly up to the top of that pole and catch that bird." "I can't!" "'Can't' means 'didn't try'!" Um, no, "can't" means "I lack the ability." "Go rob that bank." "I can't!" "'Can't' means 'didn't try'!" No, again. "Can't" in this application means, "I am not allowed to do what you're telling me to do." Of course, explaining the various definitions of "cannot" and their ramifications to your junior high gym teacher who is three times your size and screaming at you at a distance of 2 inches isn't likely the right choice. So I proceeded to demonstrate to my coach that, in this case, "can't" meant "I lack the skills to do what you ask." While I get the intent of "'Can't' means 'didn't try'!", I question the wisdom.

One you've all seen, I'm sure, is the bumper sticker that settles everything. "God said it! I believe it! That settles it!" This one hurts me as much as it tickles me. You see, in this structure, there are two factors that determine if a thing is settled -- 1) God said it, and 2) I believe it. I picture God making a statement and then waiting, with bated breath. "Sure," He thinks, "I've met the first criterion ... but will he believe it? Oh, I hope, I hope ..." You see, it's sheer arrogance. The sticker would make sense if it said, "God said it! That settles it!" You could tack on "I believe it" at the end if you wished, but it would have no bearing on what determines a thing is settled. God saying it is all that is required.

I'm sure we all have things we hear and, more to the point, things we say that, if we thought about them, just wouldn't make any sense. I suppose our hope is that no one is listening, eh? No, that can't be right ...

America has been on a vast "self-improvement" effort for the past several decades. We have been stunningly successful. By careful and incremental steps, we have managed to raise many people to being "above average".

When I was young, above average meant that you had to know the definition and even use in a sentence the word "circumnavigation". Today you are above average if you know that "sale around the world" is not the same as "sail around the world". When I was young, a "locomotive" was a common term for the device that pulls a train. Today's young people would likely think it was some crazy reason for doing something. In order for me to excel in education, I had to get better than a 3.75 grade point average (since 4.0 was the highest possible) and then finish college. Today a 4.0 is "slacking" but tells others nothing about your abilities or intelligence (It's called "grade inflation") and graduating from high school is an achievement ... well, perhaps not a meaningful achievement, but certainly makes you above average.

When I entered the work force (which, technically, was when I was 12 ... but that's a different matter), to be above average you had to work hard. You had to do more than others did, produce more than others produced, be more accurate than others were, or serve more customers (with a smile) than others served. Whatever the business, you had to work hard to do more than the rest to be above average. Today new entries to the work force have to show up on time more often than the rest to be considered outstanding, likely management material.

I could go on, but here's the deal. In a very short time America has managed to push more and more of its young people "above average" simply by lowering standards and expectations. In other words, if we lower the average, then the law of averages would say that it's a lot easier to be above average. It was wrong of us to think that kids could behave in church, so the ones that don't are "average" and the ones that do ... well, it's a good chance those parents are abusive. It was wrong of us to think that the "service industry" would provide "service" ... so they don't. It was wrong to expect kids to learn reading, writing, and arithmetic, so the ones that do must be brilliant. It was wrong of us to think that hard work and determination were values we should espouse. Show up most of the time and don't damage things and you'll be fine. By lowering expectations and standards, we've managed to raise a whole lot more of our people to the "above average" rating. I think that should go in the "success" column. Don't you? Or is that just too much sarcasm on my part?

"Mom! He's doing it again!" Yes, Al Gore is at it again, calling on the U.S. to have every kilowatt of power we produce be fossil-fuel free by 2018. At the cost of $3 trillion, he is planning on fixing our global warming problem. Now, if sarcasm bothers you, go read the news item and don't bother reading further ...

[Begin sarcasm]

The world is coming to an end ... soon. I think we all know that. Global warming, an indisputable scientific fact (now, now, don't go pointing to scientists with scientific data that disputes it ... that's not science), is caused by humans and is so very bad that it has ceased to be "warming" and has simply become "climate change." If we don't stop it now, life on this planet as we know it will end ... soon.

So, what is the cause of the problem? "Well, it's carbon dioxide caused by burning fossil fuels." No, no, that doesn't help. First, science can't actually draw a corollary between carbon dioxide levels and climate change as a cause-and-effect item. No, be specific. Okay, first you must realize that the United States is the real problem. Other countries are problematic, to be sure, but it is us, the U.S., that is to blame. So what is happening in the U.S. to bring about the end of the world? Well, it seems that 40% of our carbon dioxide emissions come from fossil fuel powered electricity, with 93% of those coming from coal. (For the record, then, Problem #1: Electric Power.) Next on the list is the emissions of internal combustion engines, comprising 33% of our carbon dioxide emissions. (That means Problem #2: Automobiles.) After that there is a decreased but significant problem with emissions from airplanes followed by emissions from buildings. (I'm sorry ... I don't know what that means. I'm just reporting what I found.) (Let's ignore "buildings" since I don't know what it means and say Problem #3: Airplanes.) A big part of the "greenhouse gases" is water vapor. Sorry ... not much we can do there. Indeed, they're not really sure if it's good or bad. Moving on. Nitrous Oxide is produced by oceans and rainforests, but man-made sources include nylon, fertilizers, catalytic converters, and the use of N2O for anesthetic. Apparently, though, the #2 cause of global warming is deforestation, with pollution being the primary cause. Between cutting, burning, and the loss of the forests' ability to absorb carbon dioxide, this is the second largest problem. (Sigh ... okay, let's reorder this. Problem #1: Electric Power. Problem #2: Transportation. Problem #3: Deforestation.) Now, this website lists a slightly different set of causes. 1) Pollution. 2) Human population.

Okay, we've narrowed down the causes. (Hey, back off! I know that there are loud voices in the scientific community that are in sharp disagreement with these views. Ignore those people behind the curtain. We can't be bothered with facts. Anyone who disagrees with the problem is clearly divisive, ignorant, and immoral.) So, having determined the danger (the end of the world) and the causes of the danger (humans), what are we going to do about it?

I think the solution is pretty simple. Step One: While the U.S. is obviously the primary offender (We're the primary offender in anything, aren't we?), it is equally obvious that all of the civilized world is heading in the very same direction, adding their own, albeit decreased, contributions to the problem. So, what we need to do is go bomb them into oblivion. I know ... too much smoke will be a problem. I think it's a necessary risk to bring about the kind of change we need. And we can carefully limit our targets. We need to take out oil fields, petroleum processing plants, electricity generation stations, and automobile factories. Hey, take down the power plants and you've pretty much shut down the world anyway. Step Two: Having eliminated the rest of the world, now it's our turn. Dig a really big hole and bury everything. That would include our cars, trucks, airplanes, tractors, tanks, anything that burns fossil fuels to propel it. Step Three: Put a radical and sudden end to our electricity generation. Sure, more smoke, but it will dissipate, and, trust me, the results will be the salvation of the solar system. It's worth it.

There it is ... we're done. Having terminated the use of fossil fuels, we would almost entirely eliminate pollution. With the complete disabling of the world market, we would eliminate any need for deforestation. The world-wide bombings coupled with the (short-lived but deadly) aftermath likely removes a significant portion of the population. Centralized agriculture and sprawling cities become a thing of the past because there is no means to grow, harvest, or transport food, goods, or people over large areas. Most people would likely starve, further aiding in the problem of population pollution. We'd end up with a small, communal existence, much like it was back before the Industrial Age. It will be good! And if humans die out in the process, it will be even better! We, after all, are the ultimate problem.

"Oh, come on," my detractors might argue, "that's going too far!" Well, how about an alternative? We cannot maintain the current technology and lifestyles of humans around the planet with our current methods. It has already been reported that even if the U.S. cut out all emissions entirely, within a decade the rest of the world (the Third World) would have replaced all U.S. emissions. China and India are rising rapidly with complete disregard for the environment and with larger numbers of people who will have larger needs for electricity and fuel. The only way to affect real change is to affect real change, not minor fixes. We cannot sustain cities. We cannot sustain industry. We cannot sustain transportation. We have to impact the two problems: Pollution and Human Population. I haven't yet heard a reasonable plan that would change those two items. Mine would.

So ... who's with me? How soon can we start?

[End Sarcasm]

I'm not a big fan of President Bush, but neither am I on the "hate Bush" bandwagon like so many I know. However, this has been making the email rounds and I thought it was humorous. I also thought there was some points of truth to it that are worth thinking about.
_______________________

The following 'speech' was written recently by an ordinary Maineiac [a resident of the People's Republic of Maine]. Although satirical in nature, all satire must have a basis in fact to be effective. This is an excellent piece by a person who does not write for a living.

The speech George W. Bush SHOULD give:

To my readers: I didn't write this. If I knew who did, I'd give them credit. I just thought it was humorous enough to pass on. Be sure to read all the way to the end.

It started out innocently enough.. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up.

Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

I came home early that afternoon. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking... ."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

But, Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.

"You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors.

They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting..

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I took the final step.

I joined the Democratic Party.

If you can't laugh at yourself, you shouldn't be allowed to laugh at others. And if your particular denomination isn't included here, trust me ... there's likely a line for them, too. Enjoy.

How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to bind the spirit of darkness in the room.

How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

How many neo-evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.

How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

How many independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one because any more would be compromise and ecumenical standards of light would slip.

How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use candles.

How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change light bulb?
One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb. One to bless the elements. One to pour the sherry. And one to offer a toast to the old light bulb.

How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
At least 15. Three committees to approve the change, schedule the change, and plan the associated potluck dinner, and one to actually change the light bulb.

How many Nazarenes does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

How many United Church of Christ members does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven. One to change the light bulb. And ten more to organize a covered dish supper that will follow the changing of the bulb service.

How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
We read that we are to so fear and love God that we cannot by our own effort or understanding comprehend the replacement of an electromagnetic photon source. It is, rather by faith, NOT by our efforts (effected toward the failed worldly incandescence), that we truly see, and that our own works cannot fully justify us in the presence of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Of course, it is still dark.

How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
What's a light bulb?

How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One man to change bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it.

How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved -- you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Oh, sure, the Navy wants you to believe it's just an unfortunate accident. They want you to believe it was entirely innocent. It's pure coincidence that the building is unmistakably in the shape of a swastika.


There is no getting around it. And if it's just an accident, then why, on the same base, is the SS noted in building form, eh?


Indeed, you can also find a replica of the classic iron cross on the very same base.


So ... who is kidding whom?

(Please, dear Father, deliver us from conspiracy geeks with computers!)

Just for fun ...


"I told you you were mom's favorite."


"Weeeee! Can we go higher?!!!"


"What do you wanna do?"
"I don't know ... what do you wanna do?"


"You can't see me; I am a master of camouflage."

(I don't know who wrote this. I didn't. If I did, I'd give credit. But I liked it enough to share it with you.)

SOME THOUGHTS ABOUT THE PAST IN BLACK & WHITE

Black and White







(Under age 40? You won't understand.)

You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."

My mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE.. and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an option ... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah ... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T -- SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING.

TIS BAD stands for The International Society to Ban All Dihydromonoxide. The aim of this society is to work for the ban of the dangerous chemical known as dihydromonoxide. This chemical is found in every industrial factory in the world.

The Facts about Dihydromonoxide
• Causes thousands of deaths every year from exposure worldwide.
• In its solid form, can cause serious tissue damage. Has resulted in loss of limb and life.
• In its gaseous form, can cause serious burns to unprotected skin.
• Overexposure can cause an imbalance of electrolytes in the body and may be fatal.
• It is the 2nd leading cause of injury-related death for children aged 1-14 years. Black children ages 5 through 19 years have death rates 2.5 times the rate of whites from this substance. Death rates were at least 3 times greater for males than for females.
• It is found in many other common substances. It is the primary component of acid rain. It has been found in a large variety of cancerous tumors. It is widely used in pesticides and other equally dangerous chemicals.
• It is hazardous to most natural substances. It can erode substances as hard as rock. Worldwide, it is responsible for massive erosion of the environment.
• Many U.S. factories dump untreated dihydromonoxide into rivers and streams without regard for its effects on the environment.
• The government is fully aware of its dangers, but continues to support its general use in a wide range of applications, in many cases subsidizing its use.
• Currently, the U.S. Navy and virtually every military organization are conducting experiments using dihydromonoxide without regard to personnel or environment.

We are working toward the curtailing of the widespread use of this dangerous chemical with the aim of eventually banning it altogether. We would appreciate your support of this movement.

Yeah, McDonnell Douglas is no longer around, but this has been circulating for years. I thought it was worth a chuckle at least.

McDonnell Douglas Warranty Registration Card

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. Salutation
[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Exalted
[_] Classified
[_] Other
First Name: ________________ Initial: ____ Last Name:________________
Code Name: ________________

2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): _____/___/___

4. Serial Number: ______________________

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / Aid package
[_] Catalog / Showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Shop-At-Home Network
[_] Classified
[_] eBay

6. How did you become aware of the product you purchased?
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Late night cable TV advertising / infomercial
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] Company reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Europe
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Africa
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Classified

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all that apply)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / Marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department Military,
Aerospace Division

IMPORTANT:
This warranty card is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humor, or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this warranty card is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. If the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this warranty card, although the sheltie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your equipment you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this warranty card in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk, and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.

Anyone who is or has been a parent has likely experienced this before. You're sitting there at dinner with a really tasty something on your plate. It is done to a perfection and it is your favorite ... and your darling little one wants some. Do you share? Well, every loving parent shares. So you put a nice tasty morsel of this wonderful food on the plate for your little darling to taste. He or she picks it up (with fingers, of course), looks at it for a moment, then hurls it across the room where the dog, cat, or dust bunnies can enjoy it. Then your little sweetie looks at you and asks for more.

Any loving parent would share, but at some point any intelligent parent would say, "It's not doing my dear child any good to hand over my good things so they can throw them on the ground." Let me put it another way. Any good parent would conclude, "Don't cast your pearls before swine." (I know, I know, "Kids aren't swine!" Don't miss the point. "Don't throw what is really good to those who will fail to appreciate it and simply waste it." Is that better?)

So, here I am, thinking about Easter. Colleagues of mine who just a few weeks ago were ridiculing anyone who could be convinced that any religion was valid (well, that is, anyone who could be convinced that Christianity was valid) are now talking about how nice this Easter is going to be. "And no one better say we need to come in and work," I heard one say, "because it's Easter." And I'm thinking maybe I don't want to share anymore.

The day that we observe as "Easter" is intended to be a Christian celebration, a religious holyday (I didn't mispell that by accident), an observance of the central issue of Christianty -- the death and resurrection of Christ. On this day we celebrate the fact that He actually rose from the dead. It is one of only two days that a large number of "Chreaster" Christians actually show up at church. You know the ones; they only go on Christmas and Easter. You can count on nearly every church in the nation having a special, clear presentation of the Gospel for the lost who they all anticipate will show up that day of all days. It is a unique day in the year, and it is uniquely Christian. And we have generously shared it with everyone else. They all get together and celebrate with family and observe "new life" (the point of Easter bunnies and eggs) and things like that. It's a day off for everyone regardless of religious persuasion. And they've turned it into a circus. Toys, candy, parties, large quantities of food ... they've taken that exquisite, perfect morsel of food we've put on their plate, looked at it for a moment, and thrown it across the room for their bunnies to eat, so to speak.

Well, I don't want to share anymore. I'm taking it back. You guys are perfectly free to believe what you want. You can laugh that anyone could possibly believe that someone could come back from the dead. You can complain that religious lunatics believe that a book is inspired by God and ought to be believed and followed. You can ignore the Gospel we offer and call it foolishness. It's your right and I wouldn't dream of taking that from you. But you can't have my Easter. It's a special, unique, exquisite day when we celebrate the Resurrection of our Lord, and if you don't want to do that, don't, but don't think you get to waste the day on other things. It's not your day.

(Note: If anyone missed it, this is tongue in cheek. I'm being somewhat humorous. Or, at least, trying.)

In an earlier (and clearly less than serious) article, I suggested that we should execute those of us responsible for Global Warming. Well, it appears that the problem is worse than we suspected.

It appears that NASA has discovered (or rather known for years) that the polar ice caps of several planets, dwarf planets, and large moons in our solar system are shrinking. I've seen reports from 2001, 2003, and 2007 documenting the decline of the Mars ice caps. Wow! Apparently the middle class, SUV-driving, fossil-fuel-consuming, refusing-to-recycle United States has a larger impact on the universe than we had originally imagined! Not only are we destroying our planet. We've managed to warm the solar system.

And while I might question this source, it still makes me wonder: Why is it that the leadership of the middle class, SUV-driving, fossil-fuel-consuming, refusing-to-recycle United States hasn't made their own move to alter their lives to fix this crisis? Consensus aside (because, as has been pointed out by multiple sources, "consensus" is not science -- ask Galileo), if this is such a crisis, why is it that those who are so convinced that it is such a crisis aren't acting on it themselves yet? If it is true that you always act on what you really believe, one has to wonder ...

I get it now. I didn't before, but I do now. The term was (and, mostly, still is) "global warming". I didn't get it. How could they blame something called "global warming" for both heat waves and cold spells? How could something called "global warming" be responsible for both the warmest January on record and the coldest January in more than 30 years? That was irrational. So they've renamed it "global climate change". Now we have a ball game.



What is causing this? Well, clearly it is America. How do I know? Because this particular effect that has been documented to be 180° out of phase in the southern hemisphere. Quite clearly the effect has originated in the U.S., then radiated to the rest of the northern hemisphere and been inverted by passing the Equator. Deny it if you wish, but I think it's pretty hard to get around the facts.

Now, we need to be fair. I don't think it's entirely accurate to say that the fault lies with "the U.S.", as if everyone in this country is to blame. No, indeed! The primary problem is greenhouse gases. Greenhouse gases are produced by major factories and large SUVs. Who owns the vast majority of these? Obviously it's the rich to middle class white males. So the blame for this documented global climate change lies squarely in the laps of American white males.

Now that we've figured all that out, I'm pretty sure the solution is obvious and easily accomplished. We simply need to start executing American white males. You may think that this is a bit extreme, but think about it. Global climate change is to blame for a lot of horrible things. It is the cause of every major climatic event for the last hundred years. It caused the earthquakes that destroyed San Francisco in 1906 and Anchorage in 1964. It caused serious damage, loss of life, and injury in Oakland in 1989. New Orleans has never recovered from Hurricane Katrina, obviously caused by global climate change. How many people died in the tsunami of of December 2004? Droughts, floods, cyclones, hurricanes, tornadoes, cold weather, heat waves ... how many people have died over the last 100 years because of weather? And worse! It is a well-documented phenomenon that when the temperature goes up, so does crime. Clearly, global climate change is responsible for crime. How many people have died or suffered serious injury from crime? When you add up the cost of crime and the cost of weather simply in terms of human life, it is a staggering number. Has anyone asked how warm it was on September 11? Well, they will, because it's clearly the reason. So I ask you ... is it unreasonable to make those responsible pay for their evil?

I suspect that as soon as we eliminate American whites (and likely their less culpable but equally suspect European counterparts), life will get better. Women will be treated better. Children will be happier. The climate of the Earth will stabilize. You (Since I'm an American white male, I don't include myself in the joys of the aftermath) will enjoy an unprecedented peace. Of course, unemployment will be rampant (because those evil white company owners hire a lot of people) and civilization as you know it will collapse (because it is the evil white Industrial Age that is the problem), but it will indeed be peaceful. At least, they say it's very peaceful in the grave. So I've done my research and am climbing on the "global climate change" bandwagon. I think the evidence is irrefutable. According to records kept in my area since the 1800's, there have been indications of a climate change. It appears that every year, around May, the climate here begins to change to something quite warm. By mid July it can be above 110°F. However, as the year progresses, these temperatures begin to fall off. By December the high temperatures are barely over 70°F. As further proof of this phenomenon, I have been able to determine that this same sort of fluctuation in temperature appears to occur over a 12-month period throughout the northern hemisphere. See? "Global climate change". It's real. You can't deny it.

by Lewis Carroll
(from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There, 1872)

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought --
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

I really enjoy this poem, but I can't tell you why. It's amazing to me that you get a sense of fear, of suspense, of joy ... all from a nonsense poem. None of it makes real sense, but you get the sense of it. Now, that's talent. Thanks, Mr. Carroll.

These are popular Christmas carols. Can you figure out their normal names?

1. Approach everyone who is steadfast.
2. Ecstasy toward the orb.
3. Listen! The Foretelling spirits harmonize.
4. Hey, Minuscule urban area southeast of Jerusalem.
5. Quiescent Nocturnal period.
6. The Autocrat troika originating near the ascent of Apollo.
7. The primary carol.
8. Embellish the corridors.
9. I'm fantasizing concerning a blanched yuletide.
10. I apprehended my maternal parent osculating with a corpulent unshaven male in crimson disguise.
11. During the time ovine caretakers supervised their charges past midnight.
12. The thing manifests itself at the onset of a transparent day.
13. The coniferous nativity.
14. What offspring abides thus?
15. Removed in a bovine feeding trough.
16. Creator, cool it, you kooky cats!
17. Valentino, the roseate proboscises wapiti.
18. The slight percussionist lad.
19. Father Christmas approaches the metropolis.
20. Seraphim we aurally detected in the stratosphere.

(Don't read the comments until you try to answer them yourself. I have put the answers in the comments.)