You Googled WHAT and found me?

It's time to take a look back at the month that was. World Leaders were crowned. Fortunes were lost. Crazy humans throughout the Internet universe Googled very strange things... and wound up on my blog.


1. "yuppies hair salon brantford"

Was this like a yuppy wanting to move to town making sure there was a suitable hair salon first? Or maybe someone thinking about converting to "yuppy" and exploring what their hair would have to look like. Or maybe someone from another economic demographic acronym category screaming curses wildly into the midnight sky about that "dang yuppy hair". Either way... good luck with that.

2. I had a TON of "world's fattest" this month thanks to Manuel Uribe. Here are the highlights:

"worlds fattest tom
worlds fattest chicken
worlds fattest mouse
world's fattest poop
world's fattest mom
worlds fattest priest"

World's fattest Tom? Is this a hotly contested "world's fattest" title? Boy the "world's fattest" record archives would have to be enormous to keep track of the world's fattest by name. I wonder if the second fattest Tom has ever tried to knock off the world's fattest Tom. Maybe like a poisoned pork chop? Who would regulate the great Fat Tom war? So many questions have I.

3. "vasectomy failure"

Fffffailure??? What you talkin' bout Willis?

4. "the bailey school kids boogie man doing coach soccer"

Zuh? Who made the what now?

5. "pregnant sea monkeys only"

This has LONG been my blog policy. You ARE a pregnant sea monkey... aren't you? AREN'T YOU??? (shaking fist dramatically in the air)

6. "ross perot hammer pass through lower intestine"

Rose Perot is superhuman in many ways. I would hazard a guess that THIS is not one of those ways.

7. "massey ferguson virtual reality"

This made me laugh out loud. I'm picturing a former worker from "the combine" dreaming about the glory days... pulling an Uncle Rico... "I gotta get back there somehow."

8. "how to spank"

I'm glad you asked me first before launching into this complex operation. Let me walk you through this step by step:

• Pull down pants
• Spank child
  

Please note. It's the child's pants indicated in step one. Not yours.


9. "deaf and dumb prayer and fasting"

Sure. Why not. Go for it.

10. "dance brantford"

If you're referring to Freedom House's New Year's Eve "That 70's Party" all night disco party that you can get your tickets very soon for... then leg 'em down and smack 'em yack 'em my brother.

11. "babies r us brantford"

Actually they used to call me and Krissy that. But I took care of it.
(See #3)

12. "barbie doll fighting a fish"

This Christmas season, get your daughter what she really wants. It's Barbie Doll fighting a fish! That's right, it's all the frills and lace you've come to love from Barbie... but she's fighting a fish! Comes with a real working washing machine a small sample of "Tide for fish guts" to get the crud out of Barbie's evening wear. Comes with a relatively fresh cod, but if you buy today, we'll throw in a mackerel, a carp, and for an especially good fight night... a squid. Look for Barbie Doll fighting a fish this Christmas season at a retailer near you.

So after all the Halloween hoo haw I'm dressing up as...

Yep... I'm Steven Harper.

Some people dress scary.
Some people dress as a super hero.
Some people do the "that's weird" thing.

Me?

I thought to myself, "who do I know who can rock a sweatervest, holds kittens with bold confidence, and who my increasing gray hair will compliment?"

So look out Eagle Place. The PM is coming to your door tonight.

Boo!

You Googled WHAT and found me?

And now it's time to find the funniest things that people Googled this month... and somehow wound up on my blog. Some doozies this month. As always... this is not for the faint of heart... or the easily offended. Just real, raw, googling action by world wide weirdos.


1."spandex public erection"

What is my 6th Grade nightmare Alex

2. "yet sex dominates our thoughts"

That's a great ending to any sentence. Makes you sound smart. Try it

"I wanted to eat some toast this morning... yet sex dominates our thoughts"
"I started doing my math homework... yet sex dominates our thoughts"
"My home just lost half its value and it's Mr Noodle for dinner again... yet sex dominates our thoughts"

Nice work you horny professor you.

3. "theology out of dumbo"

(In my best TD Jakes voice) The ELephant Dumbo... is stoe-ree of ah... EPIC proportions. That ELephant didn't believe he could-AH... rise on the wings of the EEEEEagle! Yet it was a TINY mouse's faith like a mustard seed who beLEEEEved in Dumbo. And Dumbo doth spread his giGANTIC ears and did a MEEEERicle to a thunderous chorus of hallelujahs!!!! Praise the Lord. Please be seated.


4. "stephen dion poop dove"

Did you know that according to the National Science Foundation's "Tree of Life" project... the number of species on earth is estimated to be anywhere from 5 million to 100 million but roughly 2 million have been cataloged?

I think there MUST be room to call one the Stephane Dion Poop Dove. It's stunningly beautiful. A real crowd pleaser.

5. "steven is a silly poo"

He sure is.

6."proverb on nipple care"

Hmm... well there is the Song of Solomon 7:

Your full breasts are like sweet clusters of dates. I say, "I'm going to climb that palm tree! I'm going to caress its fruit!" Oh yes! Your breasts will be clusters of sweet fruit to me.

So if boobs are fruit... maybe the nipple is the stem? And the Bible doesn't speak much about stems. There are roots, vines, trees, branches, fruit, boobs... but no nipples. Sorry. I tried.

7."positive quitting"

I've never quit something positively. I've used the term "pull that pickle out of your butt with a huge set of tongs" when quitting... but I don't recall that ending well.

8."november 29 2008 brantford, ontario thanksgiving"

Sorry. Too late Earl. Turkey's all gone. See ya next season.

9. "i can has sex?"

I doubts it Clem.

10. "funny fasting food"

it's HILARIOUS to fast meat... the way you loose all your energy... hahahaha... and when you fast caffeine and your body shuts down from withdrawal... it's a RIOT!!! LOLlololol... Oh stop me now, I'm rolling on the floor over here.

11. "church communication methods video projector"

It's the desperate Googlings of a 75 year old board member on the "AV committee" after being told that the overheard doesn't work anymore.

12. "Derek webb shit in church"

Did he now?

13. "God creation god creation god creation god creation god creation god creation god creation dot mack and michael jackson the the the the the the the th"

Weirdest... search... ever.

14. "do big ears skip a generation?"

Listen... your kids should be so lucky to have big ears! Friends of our just discovered last week that their boy has one big ear. Their kid looked up at them excitedly and said, "Just like Dave Carrol! I have Dave Carrol ears!" He's 6 years old. And brilliant.

My friends are geniuses... the "no call list" arrives!

If you didn't know... TODAY you can register for the national no-call list here. I can't stand telemarketing. I know they are real people with real jobs... but it's time for those real people to get other real jobs.

My brother (who is a genius) and I just had this MSN chat. He has the greatest "stick it to telemarketers" routine I've ever heard! Even better than the old Seinfeld bit.

Dave at Work says: telemarketing drives me bananas
Rick: We just put the phone down now and continue on with our conversation. I love the companies who are not allowed to hang up on a customer... they are left with quite the conundrum.
Dave at Work says: haha... really... do you do that?
Rick: ya it's great cause they can hear you talking but completely ignoring them. Amanda (my amazing sister-in-law) used to get embarrassed about it... now she enjoys it more than I do

So I shared the concept with my friend Jess who replied:

Jess says: see I'd take it a step further... if i had to go to the bathroom...I'd take them with me.

The humans I know are some of the greatest humans there are.

And now for something completely different

As Freedom House launches a Random Acts of Kindness blitz starting this weekend... we found this Sunday's Simpson's episode truly fantastic as Ned led Homer in rousing chorus of AD/BC's hit Christian alternative song,"Kindly Deeds Done For Free". Prompting my email...



It's sometimes a little off color and always bizarre but I'm hooked on the "A Beautiful Revolution" cartoons. This just killed me the other day


I want more of this story.

I've found my new favorite desktop wallpaper at the Deadly Viper Blog.



And in the category of "Jesus needs new PR" we have a candidates debate in a Sudbury High School today where David Popescu an independent candidate decided to voice his "Biblical" views...

"A young man asked me what I think of homosexual marriages and I said I think homosexuals should be executed," he said. "My whole reason for running is the Bible and the Bible couldn't be more clear on that point."

Ummm... yeah... so... Love takes balls David. Might be time to invest in some.

Even David Crowder knows that Jesus is like a Mountie... ZAP!

If you're a part of Christendom and have access to this so-called-INTER-NET... you've likely seen Sonseed's "Jesus is my Friend". It's got it all. Foxy Backup Singers... A hard rockin' Lead Guitar player, cuttingly sharp lyrics... it's the whole package baby.

I found the blog of guy who introduced the clip to the internet at a blog called "dougspoitation". He had a mysterious homemade videotape of his Sonseed heros and was on a mission to find out more. So he tracked down "Sal" the lead singer of Sonseed and did an interview with him! Turns out... they were a Catholic Band on multi-denominational show on WNBC in New York where priests and rabbi's would normal debate issues. Sonseed was the first musical act they'd ever had! What a kickoff! Best revelation is that Sal married Olive the organist! She could wail. Sadly... they are no long together. Oh the times we live in where even crazy cats like these 2 can't stick it out.

But my favorite "Jesus is my friend" moment so far is that this phenomenon has now spread right into the trendiest of the trendy churches. David Crowder closed out a service at his home church with it! Yes sir... this is awesome.



Zap.

I admittedly think too much about things... but what an impact You Tube and Web 2.0 is having on society in every way. I feel another blog coming about this. Maybe next week's "Hot Topics" at FH.

You Googled WHAT and found me?

1. "where can i buy it stays bum glue for gymnastic leotards in Victoria"

You must be asking because "Bill's bum glue" on 41st went out of business. Well, long story short... but Bill's bum glue is now Big Billy's Bum Glue" on 3rd Ave. Go there for all your bum glue needs.

2. "tshirt i'm horney"

You think my wife would let me out of the house with a I'm horny t-shirt? The first week we were dating I came home to find her in my bedroom with my Mom throwing out my old jeans that had holes in them. No dice on the t.

3. "what a horrible night to have a curse"

This sounds like the third sentence of a Steven King novel.

"It was a dark and stormy night. I finished waltz with the possessed toaster and gave it my hungry eyes as we scurried off together to take a bubble bath. What a horrible night to have a curse."

4. "volleyball players on steroids"

Hulk spike ball. Hulk dive for dig. Hulk use bum glue from Big Billy's...

5. "sweet +bulah land concert tickets"

Dude I scored me some sweet tickets to Beulah land... you know brother... like from Isaiah 62 in the KJ???

"Thou shalt no more be termed Forsaken; neither shall thy land any more be termed Desolate; but thou shalt be called Hephzibah and thy land Beulah; for the LORD delighteth in thee, and thy land shall be married."

You know... Beulah land??? sweet seats... Bueller...

6. "storm make tree falls on house"

Testify sister...next

7. "obama eating melons"

Somewhere on ebay, someone's selling the melon rinds from this whole melon eating incident. Lotta nerve... eating melons... reveling in the melon-afterglow... and all the while John McCain is off solving the nation's gigantic financial problems. For shame you melon muncher you...

8. "lost prophets start something"

Hmm... that could be fun. Ezekiel started cooking with cow manure. You could start something like that again? Just a suggestion. Trying to be helpful.

9. "have you ever reflected on a situation and wish if i knew then what i know now"

Heck yes I have... I would have been MUCH more careful with my Alf bouillabaseball cards if I had ANY idea that the show would be gone that quickly. So sad. Fish Baseball? I really thought it would catch on.

10. "finding jesus in the homeless ontario"

Hmm... I've yet to meet Jesus. But I've met a guy who looks A LOT like Gandolf

11. "flinstone olympic flag"

I'll bet that when it's flown... all of Bedrock has a "gay old time". I just like saying that.

12. "fruit genitalia"

Wow porn searching is strange. You're in a deep dark hole there Billy.
XXXChurch.com... PLEASE... before you go to another supermarket!!!! Do it for shoppers and produce hounds everywhere.

13. "dionbook"

And now introducing Dionbook. It's incredibly expensive... too confusing for anyone to understand... written in perfect gibberish... and you'll likely loose your job just by reading it. New from Random House.

14. "do anyone win money at brantford casino"

No Cleatus... nobody do. Do something better with your nickels OK?

15. "dumbo daves ears"

You don't think they were ACTUALLY looking for me do you?

16. "cfl video game"

It could never happen could it? The Rouge is too complex to write into code.

17. "women that have a poo then make sandwiches"

Dude...

...I got nothing.

Ned Pineda... the last secret supporter of Superman underoos

A listener of my radio station just dropped off a t-shirt with THIS on it.



I was asked... "Do you want it?"
I replied... "A random bald man talking about underoos? ABSOLUTELY!"

Remember when you were a kid and it was only Underoos that had stuff like Spiderman or Superman on them? Now you'd be hard pressed to find a pair of tighty whiteys for a kid. How come Diego has to be on everything?

I have absolutely no point here. You weren't looking for insight about life from a blog post called "Ned Pineda... the last secret supporter of Superman underoos" were you?

Merry Snipsmas!

My brother asked me the other day what to get a guy for "Snipsmas"? I suggested heaps of cash... but settled for frozen peas. But since I can't use legal tender to purchase anything from my bedroom... peas have been more valuable today.

What an interesting day. It's not everyday that you have slice of your reproductive tract removed! My procedure was actually delayed at the hospital because both of the urology nurses knew me. Thankfully, they have a policy that you don't get to look at the junk of those you know. So my friend from elementary school and the mother of some of the kids I used to be a youth leader for... were spared my nervous operating table ramblings and a peep at my vas deferens

My Doctor was a great guy. After he showed me the 2 large sections of my testicular-innards that now live in a petri cup... I marveled at how much he actually took out!

"Gotta make sure there are no jumpers? Like the Dukes of Hazard over the bridges?" I asked. We talked about the Dukes, Rosco, and Boss Hogg for a while, then he told me about practising medicine in Kentucky where there was actually a Hazzard County nearb by! See now THAT's some kickin' bedside manor. My kinda urologist!

Best vasectomy line so far comes from my friend Dwayne...

Dude, did you get the... snippage? Let me tell you the touching story of a 60 year old Iranian Urologist with fat fingers, and a tender young newfie with too many kids...

... follow shortly after my brother's invention of "Snipsmas". I think it's the word "tender" that clinched the deal for me. Any takers?

Bottom line for me so far is that it was all very easy. Not a lot of pain... unless you count constant dull throbbing pain... pain. Just kidding, I'll be powerlifting and dog sledding again by the morning. Just lots of laying around, defrauding the frozen veggies, popping Tylenol 3's and re watching season 1 of Lost (remembering a simpler time).

I think I'll do this again sometime

I'm now in hour 31 of 45 sleepless hours

I could use a Jolt Cola. I wonder if they make it in diet?

"Diet Jolt Cola... all the flavor... twice the caffeine... none of the calories... with a new elk aftertaste!"

They told me I couldn't... work twice... spend time with the family... host a TV show... do a prayer meeting and run an all night street BBQ... WITH NO SLEEP.


Time will tell indeed Fictina. Hope I don't pass out on the grill at 2am. Although... I DO get pretty loose lipped when I hit the 40 hour mark without sleep. I might be a wild party tonight.

Best line from last night's Nite Lite...

Caller: "If I came to your church, would it be OK I was a musician kind of Christian instead of a ritual killing kind of Christian?"
Me: Why yes. That would be better.

Oh yeah... and thing that's made me laugh the hardest today... this is Democratic VP to be Joe Biden yesterday



Chuck's in wheelchair.
Chuck ain't gettin' up
Stand up for Chuck.

Microsoft Strikes Back

This is a terrific branding ad for Microsoft. REALLY good.



I'm going to call this ad... "We're cool too". One day... I just want to see "PC" lean over and give "Mac" a wedgie. Wipe that smarmy smirk of his trendy little face.

Every now and again I do a good ad

I wrote it. I'm also the voice of the British Guy...

... and the cat.

Meow

You Goggled WHAT and found me??

It's the most wonderful time of the month. Time for "You Goggled WHAT and found me?" I got some beauties this month, so let's do the top 20 shall we?

1. "Olympic wedgie"

This was BY FAR the most Googled thing on my blog this month. I believe I received an Olympic wedgie just outside of the tech wing at North Park in week 2 of Grade 9.

I can tell you that I wasn't doing cartwheels after

2. "doug factor"

He was running late that night... but what no one accounted for was the (dun dun dah) doug factor! I have no idea what that means.

3. "an oak tree fell on our house"

We should start a support group. I'll bring the scones.

4. "brantford ont jeepers used"

Is this becoming our "rep"? Yeah in Brantford they all say jeepers. Are we like Shelbyville to your Springfield?

5. "Billy Connolly long nasal hair"

Let's check...


It appears that he does. Next.

6. "carved pumpkin bride groom"

What a glorious ceremony it was as the Great Pumpkin finally married Linus... who was wearing only a blanket.

&. "Dave Carrol gay?"

Shut up Ernie... i told you not to say anything. I was planning on selling my story to Vogue.

8. "do gymnasts ever get photographed nude"

I don't know about gymnasts but there was a couple of people engaged in "acts" without clothes on being photographed on our beach at about 1pm in Punta Cana. Ask my wife about that story. She tells it VERY passionately.

9. "frank caliendo nude"

Yucky. He's not nude in this clip... but anyone who can go on a rant about Kim Jong Il as Charles Barkley is OK in my books



10. "how do you tell a christian missionary you think there lazy bums"

Ummm... I wouldn't tell him that. That's a tough conversation to have. "As if the throng of angry Pygmies resisting conversion aren't enough... my friend thinks I'm lazy. Dang it."

11. "i wanna taste the salt of your skin"

Ernie... I told you NO

12. "melon et érections"

i love the extra touch of class the accent aigue gives on the word erections.

13. "oak trees + john Lennon"

HE didn't make that tree fall on my house did he? DID HE?
LENNONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

14. "play online -download adventure game +talk use find -battle -action -downloads -buy -multiplayer"

I'm not sure we can be friends

15. "pre-victorian spanking"

Things were way different back then. It's where the term, "going medieval on your as* came from. Hard core baby. Show them kiddies.

16. "reason why a person with a big ears will have a long life"

There are so many... but the main one is because they are stunningly handsome. And Charming. And Verile.

17 and 18: In the gibberish category we have "rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" and "shoooooo bop bop"

Right back at ya folks

19. "starbucks boob"

Did they make some menu additions while I was out of the country? I know they are trying to pep up their brand but wow!

20. "testicle souvenirs"

I don't know where you're traveling too... but I'm not carpooling with you.

Krissy buys a patio set

Is it just me or do Olympic gymnasts kind of look like terriers?

With those little powerful legs and all. Running and jumping and springing and such. Come on... I can't be the first person to think that.

And honestly... is there an Olympic rule about not picking your wedgie? Swimmers, volleyball players, gymnast people... I'm looking in your direction.

Two of the funnier things I've seen in a while

Cat herding... it's just what you think.



A "Font Conference"



Wide Latin is my fav. That reminded me of my first ever blog post in April 06... ranting about Comic Sans and Wing dings. "Mailbox! Mailbox!"

I love it when people put a high amount of production into completely pointless things. Them's me people.

A "Dave's Brain" Play by Play

Did you even realize that "blog" is short for web log? See... I did not know that. So today, seeing as how I'm actually really busy at work... I'm gonna (in 15 minute intervals or so) tell you the excruciating minutia of the thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters that is my brain.

9:37

I'm tired. The dude I work with in my creative department is on holiday so I'm by myself in my office cave again today. In the last 2 days... I've written ads for 3 interior decorators and 3 women's clothing stores... i seem like the one who has his finger on THAT pulse don't I? And I have about a dozen more ads to write in the the next two days. Woot as the kids say. They all say woot.

9:42am

Wouldn't a thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters be amazing? I'll bet you'd get ticks though. But it's all the bananas you can eat.

9:46am

As much as I never want to go to a Smooth Jazz show... I almost want to see WHO is at a Smooth Jazz show.

10:06am

Oh man I feel so dirty... I just participated in a "who's gonna win So you Think you can Dance" discussion.

OK so I think Twitch will win OK??? Leave me alone.

10:10

I sent 61 work emails yesterday. Yep. I did.

10:20

I think Sleep Country... while they might sell a soft mattress... schedules their radio ads in a very weird way. This information means absolutely nothing to you; I understand if you'd prefer to look away.


10:35

Uncle Stevie Harper sent this to my house
I like Uncle Stevie. But he needs a "pimp my PM" makeover... and I don't like that he's sending out stupid crap to homes when there's been no election called... calling young people "THUGS". I don't like that.

11:01

When you say to someone on the phone, "We have nothing available right now, but we'll definitely keep you in mind"... what you really mean is... "I'll forget your name as soon as I hang up the phone."

11:11

11:11... just sayin.

11:27

Wow... I just wrote an ad I actually like for a Pet Store. Doesn't happen that often.

(Sounding like a BBC documentary)

Gushy British Accent: Nigel Popplebottom reporting from ______ … today we learn golf tips from pets. When playing the fade into the wind, how much stance compensation should be made?

Cat: Meow

GBA: Well… what advantage would curling up a ball and purring be?
Cat: Meow meow

GBA: Oh pish posh a catnip ball wouldn’t carry half as far as…

Cat: (sassy) meow

GBA: Oh you win

Announcer: Pet’s from ________. Terrible golfers. Great friends. Come see their huge store and actually play with your new friend before taking them home.

11:48

Just had a great discussion about the ups and downs of polygamy. It think it would be hard since it's not really just a "not monogamous" relationship... it's a multi-committed relationship! Dang...
shall we pray for brother polygamist for a moment...

Dear Lord.
Give my polygamist brethren the ears to hear what their many angry wives are saying...

12:02

I think I'll have lunch and think about this...



1:47

Ahhhh... having meetings about church things is a smoothing brain oasis for me. No really. I love it. Not being sarcastic. My church rocks. And I ate chicken fingers.

2:06

Conversation #2 about so you think you can dance. When that judge starts on her "hot tamale train" I get panicked and hope that either her or me explode as soon as possible to make the pain stop.

On the plus side we also talked about Arrested Development... so I found my happy again.

"I blue myself Michael"
Tobias Funke

2:33

Home designer girl don't like my script? Oh well. I'm still thinking about Arrested Development. Happy happy happy. Remember Carl Weather's obsession with stew?



2:52

Just voiced an arts report, a Jazzfest, and some Sleep Country tags. I remember when being in a studio was a novelty. Actually... no I don't remember that.

3:10

Did you realize that it's been 20 years since Ben Johnson broke Canada's heart? Remember when he raced a horse for money?

3:32

I hate talking about money. Especially when there isn't enough. Actually ONLY because there isn't enough. My dream gig is to give away gob's of money to smart people with an honest desire to impact their communities for Jesus. I'll love talking about money then.

6:18

Well I picked up a tent from some friends as we're going to give camping one more go tomorrow night. This one will be way better for me... since I'm going to sleep at home and meet up with Krissy, my sister and the kids Saturday morning.

This doesn't look so good though...

6:33

I think my favorite Old Testament Laws to break are the ones about not eating pork.

7:06

As the Jays game gets under way... Jared and Aislin are giggle fighting over whether his name is AJ Burnett or AJ Burlett. Gold Jerry Gold.

Brianna? She's hitting my leg with a stick. Equally funny

8:18

I'm now eating leftover funeral cake. Mmmm...

8:25

I wonder if the Jets traded for Brett because so they could call themselves "Brett and the Jets". I wonder if anyone told Kid Rock that "things" and "things" aren't really good rhyming lyrics?

8:42

Krissy is at a friend's house who has young kids and are also subjected to hour after mindless hour of Dora The Explorer. She made me email them the link for THIS. If you know Miss Dora... you'll love Maraka



9:02

Was just reading Todd Cantelon's Blog (planted Freedomize church in TO and hosted FreeTV). He's starting a site called www.christiansex.ca. Check out this snippet from his blog about this site (which I don't think actually exists yet) where he recalls an interaction that happened during a councilling session...

The girl wants to ask a question. Is real nervous about it. Won't come out with it until we press her a bit. Finally she asks the question that's been bugging her...

"Umm, well--ahh. You know, uhh--what, umm, happens to the--err--'you know'...once you're--ahh...done?"

So painful.

My wife (who's horrified that I'm telling you this) looks her in the eye.

"It drips out of you. Sometimes for days."

See?

Half o' y'all's bums just went tight and half o' y'all just went; "Exactly! Why didn't anyone ever tell me that?"

You know what? I've had that exact conversation with Christians about to get married... freaked because they know nothing about what real sex is.

9:23

I don't know why... but the links on my blog have all mysteriously turned purple. Why blog gremlins? Are you still mad that that kid put a gremlin in a microwave back in the movie? That was a long time ago Gremlin. Get over it!!!

9:29

Oh wait... it fixed it. Sorry. it was formatting... not gremlins

could have sworn it was gremlins

10:25

Alright... that's it. I did or thought nothing for the last hour.

Here's how I wish my day at work went

Here's how I wish my day at work went

Maybe tomorrow

It's THAT time of the month...

... where I take a look at the best, wackiest, rudest, oddest... Google searches that found Big Ear!

You thought I was talking about my period didn't you? With the ovaries and the eggs and all? No no friend. I DO NOT have a single fallopian tube in my (as Steve Martin would say) "special purpose". Silly Blog reader.

Quite a collection this month if I do say so myself. Little bit blue this time... but that's how I roll eh.



Oh man oh man oh man... Steve Miller is gonna be PISSED when he sees this. And you know how he can be when his lyrics get botched. I know he loves me... that's why he has to hit.






That will be fun at holidays. At least you'll be able to find common ground with "Pork Disdain"




Not a bad idea. But for no more than 40 days OK? Then go back to porn. Actually... don't go back to porn.




Depends. The Female has a number of fun uses. Both practical and "otherwise". Rrrrow! The Male nipple however is very simple. It sits on my chest and gets covered in hair. Yum.




Thank you Alex... The question is "Who are two people who would have nothing to talk about?".




I don't think I have one of those. I mean these... I mean... the picture, the picture. Wait a second... do YOU have a picture?




Is that like the official term of what the Beverly Hillbillies were?

"A hat. It combines the spirit of old Mexico with a little big city panache. I like to call it the Urban Sombrero."
Elaine Benes

Oh I don't think you meant to search for that. Like... I know he has many gold gloves and all but...




Oh don't you tell me that there was a racist remark on Market Street! I won't hear of such nonsense. In April you say? Rubbish.




I think that was a Wesley wasn't it?




No no silly. Melons ARE Viagra. Remember?




They may be in my bathroom... but they WILL NOT be drinking any Red Red Wine on the new carpet. I don't know what that means.




I don't know about Starbucks... but I always suspected Juan Valdez. Let's start an Internet rumor... OK?




Why?


No really...


Why?

I'm afraid of you sir. Or Mame? (Gagging a bit)





If I was ever going to get an Aislin tattoo... it would be this one. She's my princess eh.

A flavorful stew of the semi-interesting and somewhat offensive

Let's play a game... I've got a flavorful stew of the semi-interesting and somewhat offensive things that have piqued my interest lately. I challenge you to give me your thoughts on each point using 3 words or less... OK? And go.

1. Anne Jackson from FlowerDust.net and her church called Crosspoint in Nashville have been blogging their way through a mission trip to the Dominican Republic. A few days ago she posed a question that I have asked each time I've left North America...


2. Did you realize that at the time John Lennon made the "bigger than Jesus" quote... he thought of the Beatles as a Christian band? (Whole story here)

“It’s just an expression meaning the Beatles seem to me to have more influence over youth than Christ,” he says. “Now I wasn’t saying that was a good idea, ‘cos I’m one of Christ’s biggest fans. And if I can turn the focus on the Beatles on to Christ’s message, then that’s what we’re here to do.”

3. This is a quote from Jack Nicklaus at the British open about the differences in life for him as a golfer and the way it is today.

"When we played golf, it wasn't to make a living," Nicklaus said. "It was to make a name for yourself so you could make a living."

4. One more "the state of sports" quote. This is from new (and old) Toronto Blue Jays hitting coach Gene Tenace about his relationship with his wife.

"You know, when I proposed to her, I told her I was going to give her an out. I told her she could have my heart but that baseball would always have my soul. She said she'd take the heart."

5. This is from my sister Jenn's blog written about leaving Liberia. On her way to the airport, her transport was mobbed and jostled by a crowd demanding to have one the passengers thrown to the mob! (whole blog here)

"...deep down, I live with the attitude that 'it will all work itself out'. I guess most people would call this naivety. I have had too many experiences convincing me that it is God.

Because, I am too lucky to be lucky."

6. Amazing story about the 10 most racist toys ever... times MAY have changed a touch.

7. I love hearing where songs come from. Here's the story behind Chris Tomlin's "God of the City" song from Passion's new album. It was written by a band called "Bluetree". The story reminds me of my 3 days on the island of Puerto Galera in the South China Sea.

It was just simply heart breaking seeing young Philippino girl after girl hanging off the arms of old dirty white guys. I kept thinking... "it really wouldn't be THAT hard with a little work to see this whole island saved".

“We got asked to go and be part of an event called Pattaya Praise. Pattaya is a seaside town/resort place, and physically, it looks to be like the darkest place you’ll ever go to. And spiritually, it is THE darkest place we have ever been to. You just feel the evil...

......and we got to play for two hours. And just the way the band set up, we like using loops, and at one point I just started singing out. I started singing “Greater Things”, something along those lines, almost prophesying over the city."

8. SUCH a cool anti racism ad from South Africa (putting the darkey in the Watermelon to shame)

OK... so let's hear some 3 word comments.
Here's mine...

1. God's got plans
2. John wavered lots
3. People are soft
4. That's really dumb
5. My sister's cool
6. Hard to believe
7. Come save Brantford
8. Mandela was amazing