This “Marry Him!” article in the Atlantic has incited a bit of controversy among my circle of friends. The author, a 40-something, never-married single mom, talks about what she wishes she would have done differently in the finding-a-mate department. It’s a sad story, but she’s got such a good sense of humor I nearly laughed out loud.
One caveat: She advises people to settle, and settle young (before the end of your 30s). This may be offensive to some. There are other questionable things, but you might as well just read it yourself if you’re interested.
The Take-away: I would say this woman’s mistake is not that she was too picky, as she describes herself, but that she wasn’t looking for the qualities that are actually important in a spouse. In fact, she only realizes that maybe there are important qualities in a husband that she wasn’t factoring into her search until after the birth of her child (by a sperm-donor, fyi). Factors like, “Would he make a good father?”
Therefore, my translation of this article, which I hope is less offensive, is simply to prioritize -- figure out what you actually need and want for a life-long partner, and find a person with those qualities. E.g. if a guy is intelligent, funny, responsible, affectionate, and would make a great dad, just go ahead and overlook the fact that he’s bald. Or “not curious.” Or “allergic to dogs.”
That said, I doubt many of my readers are that superficial to begin with. Nonetheless.
I remember being told to make a list of everything I wanted in a husband, and using that list as a reminder to (a) pray and (b) not settle. I first made this list circa 1995, and it went on for pages. By the time I actually got married, I had long lost that list, and frankly, that’s probably for the best. I had, by then, narrowed my mental list down to five things. Joel got five stars, and on top of all that, I loved him. (Still do.)
I didn’t get everything that was on my list in 1995, but I wouldn’t say that I settled. I would say that I grew up.
And one last thing: This article was also a good reminder NEVER to become one of those wives who say things like, “Oh [single friend], you’re so lucky, you never have to [deal with a negative side affect of being married].” If I ever say such a thing, just go ahead and slap me. Really. That’s the most obnoxious, ungrateful thing I’ve ever heard.
