Inside Voices

I think I’ve struggled with this more than maybe I realize. It comes up now and then but, I think sometimes it comes up and I don’t really realize what it is…

I think what I struggle a lot with is these conflicting ideas about family. About my family. On one hand I’m more willing to see all the things that went on in it. All the things that continue to go on in it. To see how unhealthy these things have been. To see that my family is ‘messed up’/dysfunctional. Whatever you want to call it. It wasn’t and isn’t the greatest. On the other hand…it’s family, right? I struggle with knowing this was the best thing to ever happen to me. I struggle with how grateful I am. I know my life could have been much worse. I don’t even like to go there. Just realizing that’s been a long time conflict going on for me I think.

My brain is going in all these insanely emotional places the last 2-3 days. Not really sure why. Maybe it’s because I’m not on the Remeron right now (hurt my shoulder really bad, again. Taking tylenol 3 till mom gets back and I can get the info for the Rhuemi she had found out about.) Some of them just seem really random. This one though I think I know part of what set it off. Maybe I’ll post it tomorrow.